Dead Weight Dead Heart Pt.2
fuck. fuck. fuck. I just had to force myself to reread every journal entry that I wrote about how utterly vacuous you make me feel. I read about how I used to think to myself, one day I’m gonna break. I guess I finally met that day. I made it like 3 weeks before talking to you, reaching out. Making a bid for connection, its what I do. I feel so fucking stupid. Reading my old journal entries is so crazy, I can see now that my assumptions,my gut, my intuition were all right. I wish I would’ve listened to myself. But also you cant take shit back, cant change the past. He brought me many good things too. But it was just so incredibly surface level at the end of the day. Spoke to me with contempt more than love. I dont want to be your pet. I dont wanna be your source of emotivity. I am longiiiiiing for you to respond. I even manifested love and sent it his way. Cuz I dont want him to think I’m crazy. I truly cannot tell you why I care so much about what this godforsaken man thinks of me after I spoke my truth and voiced my feelings that have held me suspended for 2 years. I was just getting clean this time 2 years ago. Today I’ve actually been clean two whole years. Can y’all believe that. And here I am, depressed, in bed all day and now its night, crying and simping over an avoidant dude who really could care less about how i feel. Now, since i couldn’t control myself and sent him a fucking angry novel about all the things i felt like he didnt give me, now im at my lowest. Shouldn’t I feel better? Relief? Freedom from those heavy emotions? Guess not. His silence is deafening. But I asked for space so wtf am i bitching about?Â
STOP DREAMING, B. HE’S NOT GONNA SHOW UP. He’s not gonna call you. He’s not gonna text. He wont show up on your doorstep in the middle of the night, in the rain (lmao ok i laughed at that one). STOPPPP looking for a fairytale. All u want it someone who shows up. Why would u want this man to do any of those things? Hasnt he proven himself unworthy honestly? I really do hope that he is just like.... in shock that I stood up for myself. I don’t think he thought I had it in me. God I hate a breakup. First one while being clean. Forced to feel it.Â
I’m the better off one in the end. I have a heart that feels. That can beat for someone else. I have the deepest empathy. I am cute enough. I’m funny, a hoot actually. I’ll do anything to make you smile, to remind you that i think you’re amazing, or just cuz u deserve to know how u light up my life. Protect the energy sis. U still confuse me u always will. I wish you would come crawling back tho, I wont lie. ugh. I hope I get back to rational thoughts soon.
It will all be okay. You’re enough and you will carry yourself thru this. Don’t succumb to the darkness.
yousharknotpass
ellievsbear
theartofmadeline
gamechangershow
amandla
titsay
jimmyeatworldofficial
