All My Uphill Clawing

i'm bored.

[leonardo-dicapyoass]

your tumblr is gone. you’re the only one i ever wrote to. guess no use for me here now either.

[leonardo-dicapyoass]

i am, i was

today, notre dame burned down.

the spire collapsed in flames, and

all i could think about was how in our lifetime,

monuments with history will only ever be destroyed,

and cannot be created.

i went looking at your pictures and poems again,

like i do when i feel estranged,

when i can’t see enough of your kindness or wisdom in myself,

and it all came back to me in waves.

ive been making a lot less mistakes these days.

part of me wonders whether or not

you ever wonder how different things would be.

you’re always 2 steps ahead of me,

you probably figured out a long time ago there’s no point in such things.

but that’s not my question- do you?

ive been wanting to pack my bags and leave this cheap seat life behind.

not just talk about it. i mean really, really leave.

remember when i was in college and wanted to hitch hike across the country?

we talked about it seriously and more importantly

you always took me seriously.

even on solid ground it can feel like quicksand sometimes.

and it’s not because of you but,

a dream is something we all sink into.

when life feels like one sometimes the gaps forget to fill themselves in.

and one day you wake up, about to turn 24,

and if i could ask God one question now,

it’d be ‘why now’, if those feelings don’t even matter, and i know they don’t.

ive been going to therapy regularly for the first time in my life

it’s been bringing on growing pains from a place

it is easy to get complacent to live in.

to inhabit entirely. and realizing

i was lost for a long , long time.

and realizing being found is not somewhere you go to.

it comes to you.

and i don’t know what any of this means beyond the definition of the words.

but i promise i’m learning. look,

i have a good job making good money in a good place in my own house

i can speak 4 languages now

and still sing like most only dream

but i am still wide awake. and i really feel it sometimes.

bored of getting stoned.

badly wanting a cigarette.

but i’ve been staying away from mistakes

so if i could ask God one question now,

it’d be why these feelings never feel like one.

and saying that i realize why you keep your distance.

but i wouldn’t think twice or look both ways and yet,

i don’t think i even cross your mind.

but sometimes i pick a bench on one side, sit down,

light a joint and watch you through the traffic.

inside and outside you’re all grown up

and still as beautiful and full as the summer twilight

as you were back then. a sun,

soft and warm,

getting so low.

[leonardo-dicapyoass]

half woke in the dull light

beneath a warm rose blanket

i'm so sure of myself

& ive never been so sure i wasn't someone else.

this is a catalyst.

i make the first move-

i'm open wide as the maw of the gaping sky,

for a savior with a list better check it twice, am i... on it?

& do i even want it?

my soul is tired. "o lord!"

can i just sleep in the darkness deep beneath the floor?

don't tell my mama.

don't tell my family.

i don't know why all this trouble comes as such relief,

i'm tucked between the books pages like a dying leaf & i am

crushed. between them. the gravity, i'm beneath it,

& why would i sleep, all i dream abouts the same place i wanna escape

it's just a version. full perversion. it's what i've made.

i'm not a prism, i'm caught in the spectrum,

sometimes it's hotter in the shade.

[leonardo-dicapyoass]

You speak each day of each thing to one person and then one day, you speak of no thing no day to no person because that person isn't there. Fuck.

[bigtopsecretdemoland]

The struggles we share.

1. A couple years ago In a magazine or a yahoo news headline Or something I read that lovers who grow old together often Resemble each other.

2. Sometimes Ill be watching cops ((You really like cops) At least I think you would) I chuckle at the thought, You come home restless but sore, Throw your bag on the counter, ‘How was your day?’ you can’t get through the first sentence Without giving me our nightly kiss. (I paid attention, you said ‘oh it was fine, a little slow but’/Nightly If we don’t make love, anyways.) But nightly is good, We’ve learned patience (together) We savor each moment we have.

3. My recliner sits like a rock in our living room With the aged burgundy carpet, Rubbing a sore spot on my chest (The phrase ‘growing pains’ isn’t a blessing at this age so I Have to be careful) its no big deal. I feel my sternum stretch, My young spine is still somehow tired And cracks deeply, You hold me in a baseball glove, fit to me like Leather.

4. We laugh like the creaky floorboards in the tired yellow kitchen, We dance like fools to songs Most would now consider old, (our childhood never really ends) We kick and we snap {( into focus) effortlessly) always}

5. sometimes when I look in the mirror, {(Steamed, you can only See me where I’ve wiped it away) You can’t ever really get it off)} I’ll notice some things haven’t changed, I don’t make any excuses for the bags under my eyes: But you wrap your arm around my stomach, You’re content and quiet with your Lips in my shoulder blade.)

6. Sometimes, On the routine days, with cops And a nightly kiss, I look at the tv and notice my Lungs catch the light, Your anchored smile helps me breathe, Like the quiet hum of the AC at night, In bed Or leaves tapping on the window, OrThe rain applauding the struggles We share

7. I’ll clean the gutters tomorrow, You don’t have to ask

[leonardo-dicapyoass]

'Ici Repose' by hgw

[leonardo-dicapyoass]

you’d prefer an astronaut.

she thinks she missed the train to mars, she's out back counting stars she's not at work, she's not at school she's not in bed, i think i finally broke her i bring her home everything i want, nothing that she needs i found her out back sitting naked looking up and looking dead a crumpled yellow piece of paper, seven nines and tens i thought she'd be there holding daisies, she always waits for me she thinks she missed the train to mars, she's out back counting stars.  

[leonardo-dicapyoass]

Somebody please just get me the fuck out of here

[leonardo-dicapyoass]

Ya boy so anxious he Caint sleeeeeep turn up

[erotically-self-absorbed]

[gaymerzone]

[leonardo-dicapyoass]

Fuck.

[m4isie]

[slow-riot-deactivated20200720]

[leonardo-dicapyoass]

I’M FUCKING CRYING 

[ratandboa]

[goodgirl4him]

cheiloproclitic

(adj.) being attracted to a person’s lips or mouth

[actualdogvines]

ball is life

[blondpup-deactivated20150505]

[leonardo-dicapyoass]

tTHIS IS THE BEST THING ON THE INTERNET

[brisegrise-deactivated20150131]

[modestmgmtofficial]

identical twins have so much power tbh last year my lab partner steve came in with pierced ears and everyone was like whoa steve when did u get them pierced and he was like i’ve had them for 3 years. i’m not steve. and he just sat down and started taking notes. the next day steve came in and was like did u guys see my brother jake yesterday lmao we switched schools