CYCLES
EPIC SAGA - SCENE ELEVEN
Raphael reaches out to Leonardo for help after coming to terms with the fact that he may be in over his head with Donatello, only to realize that the clan’s fearless leader may also be in no state to lead them.
not-the-nightwatcher :
Once he has left Donatello in his room to recover, Raphael makes a pit stop to use the restroom and returns the bottle of Dramamine to the cabinet where he found it.
As he is washing his hands, he catches sight of his strained and unhappy face in the bathroom mirror. Christ, why does he have to broadcast everything he is feeling on his stupid face? It doesn’t seem very ninja-like. He looks at himself, and slowly lifts his hand to cover one eye. He imagines a terrible gash beneath his palm, a puckered empty socket, his depth perception forever flattened. Fate... Knock it off, he growls at himself, whirling away from his reflection. He forgets to flush the toilet in his haste to get away from his haunted thoughts. From there, Raphael takes the closest route around the upper balcony and down the stairs. Stressful and frustrating as today has been, his next priority is a nicotine fix. That means trudging out of the lair and into the tunnels just outside their front door. To invade Don's lab while his brother isn't in there is unthinkable. Privacy is something Raphael has always valued. But what should his next move be? What option is left other than to haunt the silent lair like a restless ghost, with his head locked in an endless cycle of worry and self-recrimination? Raphael is afraid to be trapped alone with these thoughts -- afraid of the mood he may have cultivated by the time Don does awaken. This family means so much to me, he thought, and such a surge of emotion overcame him that he was forced to pause near the bottom of the stairwell and grip the rail. It's been the hardest thing in the world, watching them fall apart. Not understanding why or what to do...I got no idea why Mike has been so angry. I got no idea why Leo is so sad. With Don, I thought we were getting somewhere. Sometimes it seems like we are closer than we have ever been... but then something like this happens, and I realize that I don't know shit! God, I can't afford to think this way. Where is that lone wolf mentality when I need it? the turtle wonders bitterly. He pushes away from the rail and continues on his way towards the large double doors that are the main route in and out of their underground lair. But Raph knows this has been part of his own healing process, recognizing these early signs of increasingly toxic thoughts and reaching out to someone in his family. He can't bring himself to be so dramatic and obvious as to come out and ask for anybody's help, but finding someone he could safely vent at, or even just burying himself in whatever they were doing for a while, was often all he needed to get his head back in the game. Lately, Don himself is the person Raph goes to most often. Before that, it had been Leo. Following their reconciliation six years ago, they had been thick as thieves for a time, hanging out almost every night. Raph is not sure exactly when that changed, it happened so gradually. Not that it matters right now. Raphael knows he will have to work this out on his own. Literally everyone he might care to talk to is out of reach. But as he passes the entrance to his father's treasure room, the turtle suddenly wonders if that is true after all. A fresh possibility springs to mind as he considers the necklace lying right there on the shelf. He snags it and slips it around his neck on his way out the door. It's possible that this is a bad idea. Leo can be crazy perceptive, especially where Raphael is concerned. He is halfway through his cigarette before he works up the nerve to say anything. The chunin looks down at the necklace and feels very stupid as he lifts it to his mouth and speaks into it. "Hello? Uh... is this thing working? Can you hear me?" "Loud and poorly timed as always, Raph," he can hear his brother sigh. Raph jumps and looks over his shoulder reflexively, but of course no one is there. He immediately decides, "That's fucked up. How does it do that? No, don't tell me." "Full disclosure, Raph. I, uh." He hears his brother clear his throat softly. "I can also see you when you use the necklace." Raph feels his stomach drop out and huffs an explosive sigh. He stubs his cigarette out against the bricks and leans his shell against the tunnel wall as he mutters, "Asshole. Coulda told me that ahead of time. What if I called you on the john?" He tries to console himself with the fact that the fact that Leo isn't flipping his shit yet, which probably means he already had a clue. Raph is pretty sure he is the least sneaky turtle in the Hamato clan these days.
The days since he left his home in New York had been filled with trivial meetings, Jonin of other clans making his acquaintance and trying to form allegiances with the Hamatos. Each new face was met with an air of propriety and dignity, but never did the young shinobi master let his guard down among these people. None of them were friends to him and none could be trusted. Any new ally could turn on him just as easily as they pledged friendship and they likely would if it proved that there was even the slightest thing to gain by doing so.
When he was not being bombarded by these ninja, there was the council themselves. Since he was already in the compound and stuck here until such a time that Mikey’s trials were completed one way or another, the council had deemed that some of Leonardo’s free time be spent allowing them to evaluate the training methods which were used by the Hamato’s, comparing them to the efficiency of training which Splinter had given the clan.
It was beyond nerve wracking, being actively compared to his father. The fear that he may not measure up to the challenge was by far one of his greatest insecurities, but he tried with all he had to not let any weakness show and to do his father proud.
He had one such meeting with the council the previous evening which was unexpectedly interrupted by a lean shinobi who resembled an anthropomorphic calico cat, whom he almost immediately recognized as a member of the Neko clan from Usagi’s world. His confusion on the Jonin’s appearance was dispelled when Kagemaru, as he introduced himself to be, gave a detailed report on both Michelangelo and Usagi’s doings the past few days.
The turtle lay on his bed, rubbing his face wearily as the report echoed in his mind.
“The pair have been on the road towards the Geishu province in the South. From what I have gathered they are hoping to find the lad a sensei to help hone his magics at the suggestion of the ronin, who interpreted the scroll which was left for Michelangelo to decipher.
When I left them they had just entered Niigata, a port town, to stock their supplies and have also decided to postpone setting on the road again, instead staying to indulge in the matsuri taking place there currently.”
Leo groaned, wishing that the ronin had put his foot down and forced Mikey to take his trial period seriously. He should have at least made him translate his own scroll. But he could not be mad at Usagi for this. He had left him with little to no instruction and regardless of the horrible insult he had left the samurai with when they had briefly spoken a few nights before, Miyamoto was still standing by his promise and trying to help Michelangelo. It is not the ronin’s fault that his brother has the attention span of a fruit fly.
Another heavy sigh left his lips as the necklace around his neck flared to life, a spectre-like image of Raphael appearing in his room.
More good news, he thought sarcastically to himself as he sat up and answered the red-clad shinobi.
"Hello? Uh... is this thing working? Can you hear me?" Raphael spoke into the necklace as though it were a microphone, earning a shake of the head from the jonin.
"Loud and poorly timed as always, Raph," he replied with a heavy sigh.
If he was not so worried about what message it was that Raph might be bringing him, he may have laughed as his second in command spun around, looking for the source of his voice. It was then that he spotted the cigarette in Raph’s hand, clearly already halfway gone. "Full disclosure, Raph. I, uh." He said, clearing his throat and pointing at the smoke, even though he knew that Raphael was unable to see him. "I can also see you when you use the necklace."
His brother’s next comment did bring a chuckle to his lips, but it only lasted for just a moment. “I would hope that you would show me a tiny bit more respect than trying to talk to me while using the restroom.” He shook his head, pinching the bridge of his beak in an irritated fashion, realizing that it very much seemed like something that may happen in their home.
“To what do I owe the honor, Raph?” He finally asked, hoping that his stress did not shine through in his voice.
"Hmmm. Me, show you the respect you think you deserve? Like... what, outta nowhere?"
Raphael flicks the mashed butt into the canal in front of him and smirks. "Do you even know me? I am definitely calling you on the john next time. I'll eat a bunch of White Castle sliders first, and keep the necklace on my lap the whole time so you get a real good earful."
Leonardo’s face winces in disgust momentarily as his brother paints a truly horrifying image that even his blind eyes cannot unsee.
“Charming as ever, Raphael. Now, did you have something you actually needed to speak to me about or was the purpose of this conversation merely to put me off my breakfast?”
"I know, I know," Raph grumbles. "Yer allowed to talk to me on this thing about official clan business only. You only said so in your letter about a billion times." He frowns and adds, "But that is some bullshit that you can see me and I can't see you."
Leonardo grinned slightly at the spectral form of his brother, shaking his head at the comment, “Yes, the world is full of injustices. I apologize that this arrangement is upsetting but truly you are not missing out on a whole lot.”
He sat up in his bed, stretching his arms above his head as he asked, “So, what is it you needed?”
Raphael half expected his brother would remedy the situation by suddenly appearing before him. His brother is capable of amazing things lately. It's too bad. It would have been nice to see his annoying face. "I never said... I don't need anything," Raph insists, folding his arms defensively and looking away. "I just..." He blows out another one of those heavy sighs. "I had us do training today. For the first time. Like, my own routine, not doing exactly what you said to do for once. But it, uh... it didn't go so great." Raphael, grand master of understatement.
The statement was not reassuring in the slightest. He had hoped that the first report that he would have received from Raph would have been positive. Raphael had seemed to be connecting with Donatello in a way that he simply was unable to lately. He hoped that their younger brother would have been more cooperative under this new temporary management.
He let out a groan before asking, “What did he do?”
When did Michelangelo and Donatello become the problem children of the Hamato clan?
"No. Ain't like that!" Just from his brother's tone, Raph can hear the comparison being made to the many combative sessions Leonardo has endured trying to serve as Michelangelo’s sensei. "He didn’t fight me, tried everything I asked him to do! He was a trooper... maybe too much of one, y'know? I swear I wasn't tryin' to make it a tough session. Felt like I was takin' it easy on him, if anything! But... I didn't know he was sick. Or whatever's goin' on. I had no way of knowing! Maybe -- maybe I shoulda seen it. He started lookin' rough I guess. His performance got worse, but I didn't think -- he didn't say a word, Leo! Right up until the weights fell out of his hands and he was almost passing out and puking..." Raphael shakes his head in dismay. "I had to call it quits early. But by then he couldn't even walk. I think he musta almost passed out again 'cause he fell down the stairs to the mezzanine. I had to pick him up and carry him to bed! I feel so fucking bad about it. He looked so miserable. I know now, I shoulda called it quits sooner. But a part of me thinks he might’a did this to himself. I mean, the guy barely sleeps. We almost got into it this morning cause I forced him to eat breakfast before we trained. He got real pissed at me for it."
The blind shinobi is silent as Raphael speaks. He knew that Donatello’s health had been on the decline. He had seen it himself. Had even had several quite explosive conversations with his brilliant younger brother about what a priority his health was. But recently Donatello had become distant, combative, and was likely to snap at a moment's notice.
This newest information did absolutely nothing to ease his mind about the future of his purple clad brother.
He looked up at Raph, even though the other could not see him. “If Donatello will not care for himself you may have to take matters into your own hands.”
"Are you sure? Because I really don't know if I should!" Raphael counters unhappily. "That's been the hardest thing, Leo... knowing when to be his leader and when to be his friend. Because I can't be both. And my gut is telling me he needs a friend right now. If it ain't me, then who's left?"
Raph unfolds his arms to gesticulate as he speaks. "How is he supposed to deal with - with anything if it feels like he got nobody in his corner, Leo? But it's so hard to walk that tightrope, tryin' ta be both!"
“How is he supposed to deal with anything if he cannot manage a flight of stairs, Raph?” Leo snapped. He did not mean to sound upset with Raphael. He knew that the shinobi was simply trying to do his best in the situation that he was stuck in.
In a much softer tone he added, “Raph… I left you in charge because I trust you to look after the well being of our clan in my absence. I trust that you will be able to deal with Don. But remember that sometimes it is far more important to set firm boundaries than it is to be a friend. He is smart enough to figure out that you are trying to advocate for him.”
"Yeah, cause that's worked out so well for you so far..." Raphael grumbles. "I don't feel like you would be sayin' that if you understood how bad things really are for him. Right now I am the one person who can sometimes reach him, and you are telling me to risk that."
Leonardo scoffed at the comment. It was true, and he hated it. The more he had tried to fill the role of sensei and take hold of the mantel that Splinter had left for him, the more that the two youngest of his clan had begun to pull away from him in their own ways. Mikey had gotten himself into worlds of trouble and Don was practically falling apart at the seams. He knew now what Michelangelo had gotten himself into and he had suspicions as to the depths Donatello had sunk.
And even if his suspicions were no more than speculation, they were still cause for worry.
An idea dawned on him. The idea of it made his stomach churn slightly, but the prospect of confirming his fears while simultaneously aiding Raph in his current endeavors was enough to give it voice.
“There is another option.” he said cautiously. “In my room, in my footlocker are a few items that I confiscated from Michelangelo earlier this year.”
He rubbed his face wearily before letting out a prolonged sigh and continuing, “Our little brother, as I am sure you are aware, developed quite the taste for marijuana. I really felt as though I could not condone the behaviour, so I took it away and locked it up. You say that Donnie is not sleeping nor eating and has been anxious and on edge. It seems to me that, until he is able to push past this, it may be the lesser evil to allow him to indulge.”
Leo shook his head, groaning unhappily. He hated the thought of any of his brothers on drugs. But a thought rung through the disapproval, his genius brother - if he was immediately willing to participate in this without that logical mind of his telling him that it was an unwise choice it was very likely that he had already turned down a similar path of self medication on his own volition.
The jonin cleared his throat and added in a stern voice that left no room for debate on the matter, “Having said that, if it is the path you choose to follow where Donatello is concerned I expect that my participation and my permission in this matter are to be held in the strictest confidence between you and I. I will not have my clan believe that I condone this behaviour. This is merely a desperate time that calls for a desperate measure.”
"Wow," Raph finally comments when he is able to overcome his surprise enough to speak. He has been aware of the ongoing marijuana drama between Leo and Mike -- more aware than he has broadcasted, anyway, in his efforts to not somehow wind up in the middle of it. He knows, for example, that for a time Leonardo had tried a more lenient approach with Michelangelo directly. He had set restrictions based upon frequency and quantity, and for time it seemed to work. Michelangelo had been impressed with his big brother's attempt to keep an open mind, and initially adhered to Leonardo's restrictions down to the letter. This first attempt at leniency was also meant to be a secret and desperate measure, one which Leonardo must not seem to condone openly to the rest of the team. That "secret" lasted all of five minutes. Mike was so impressed with Leonardo's compromise, he couldn't help bragging about it. Raph knew that it had been an effective technique, but only for a time. Once Mike's mystic abilities began to present themselves, once he started getting real secretive and stressed and started going off on his own, he stopped following Leo’s guidelines and started getting baked whenever the hell he wanted to. If Leo were ever to ask Raph which side of this particular battle he supported -- once he got past the knee jerk evasions of Raph not wanting to get involved, anyway -- Raphael would actually back Leo on this one. Mike agreed to a deal, and then he reneged on it. It's as simple as that, and as far as he's concerned, Leo had every right at that point to go back to confiscating Mike's shit all the time and acting like a nagging school teacher. Raph knows his big brother can't have enjoyed either scenario very much. But he sees now that being the leader and working towards the greater good means being regularly railroaded down paths you never would have taken otherwise. "Geez. You know I don't even smoke, right? I --" A flush hits his cheeks and makes his gaze drop to his lap with a scowl. "Well, I -- I mean, I smoke. I just don't usually smoke that. No bullshit, I honestly never saw the appeal. Think I tried it when I was twelve or thirteen maybe? Normally I'd just rather get drunk, but -- that won't help Donnie, not with his stomach all jacked. I swear, it's like it pains him to eat. So... yeah, maybe." He shakes his head again and nearly laughs as he adds, "Jesus, still I can't believe yer askin' me to do this."
Leonardo stood from his bed, shaking his head woefully as he grabbed his trench coat off of a kimono hanger on his wall. He threw on the item and turned to his brother with his arms folded across his chest disapprovingly. He almost wished that he had appeared before Raph just so the other could see the gesture. Perhaps next time.
“I do not approve of your smoking either, Raph. If it begins to interfere with your performance or the well being of the clan in anyway I trust that you know my hand will be forced to put a stop to it.”
The shinobi master scoffed and added, “And I did not ask you to take that road with Donnie. It is simply an option that I won't kick your ass for trying.”
" Yeah... sure thing, Leo," Raphael drawls, giving his brother a knowing look -- or doing the best he can without actually being able to see the guy. "I'll shoulder the blame for this one if it helps ya sleep at night. Anyway, ain't like I got any better idea of what to do." He gives another of his classic snorts, a bitterly amused huff to punctuate his next insistence, "But you ain't stoppin’ shit when it comes to me. We both know I'm in better physical condition than anyone on this team -- yourself included, ever since you been spending so much time mucking around with ninja politics and magic. The minute that starts to change, you can bet I'm gonna be the one to put a stop to it. Until then, I'm a grown fucking man and honestly the least of your worries right now. "So, y'know... step the hell off my nuts." Raph touches two fingers to his forehead and flicks them away in a mock salute as he adds, "Respectfully."
Leo chuckled and shook his head at Raph’s performance. It seemed like lately the red clad shinobi was the only one that was able to break his stoic visage. After Splinter died he really felt like Raph stepped up for him and the two of them became very close for a time. Recently they had not been together as often, Raph was spending more and more time with the troubled Donatello and Leo would never begrudge him for that. But he did miss the one on one conversations with Raph more than he could really express in that moment.
With a half grin he quipped, “Blaming you is how I have managed to sleep at night for years. It works wonders.”
“And consider your nuts no longer stepped on, Raph. You are a big boy and you definitely not my biggest problem right now.” With a soft and somewhat saddened chuckle he added, “If someone would have told me a few years ago that Donatello would be far more worrisome for me than you were I would have thought they had gone completely insane.”
That went so much better than how Raph thought it would when he had been dreading the conversation. Of course, he also hadn't been expecting to have it quite so soon.
"Sorry to dump more worry on ya," Raph says quietly. He has started fiddling with his bandage. The skin of his tightly bound wrist itches. "I know you got some kinda shit storm to deal with in Japan or you wouldn't be there right now. I was just... kinda tripping over how bad it went today."
Raphael flashes a brief smile and confesses reluctantly, "I already miss trainin' with ya, Leo. Like, I totally get why you needed to work with Mike so much when he was around. He needs to get that shit under control in a serious way. But when he went off to do his trials, getting you back in the dojo was like the only good thing to come outta that, you know? And now yer gone again."
With a solemn nod Leo sighed, “That is actually the most eloquent way that I can think of to put words to what I am dealing with over here.”
He returns the smile that Raph had given him when a swell of affection rose in him. “I have really loved having a good sparring partner as well. They have been in very short supply for… well, quite awhile now. I promise that when I return home we will spar again, brother. Mikey is already on the path of his trials once again, so hopefully that day is sooner rather than later.”
"God, I hope so," Raphael agrees. "It always gets weird when one of us is gone for a long time. You'd think I would be used to it by now. Now we're two down for the first time ever." The turtle wraps his good arm around his lower chest plates, hooking his fingers on the edge of the plastron. "I don't know what to do with all this peace and quiet. What do I do once I start feelin' stir crazy? I can't even hit the bag. Hopefully Donnie is smart enough to figure out some projects I can help with, even one-handed..."
He could certainly understand feeling stir crazy, even before he was trapped in this temple of sages, away from all of those he held dear, Leo often felt the oppression of the too quiet lair. When Michelangelo left their midst their home has seemed more empty to him. Even though he had been fighting with the youngest Hamato often lately, his presence was still dearly missed.
He could only imagine the stillness of the lair now that an additional turtle, even be it himself, was absent.
“I have always found that meditating in Dad's room helps me, Raph. Even though I know that you are not particularly fond of meditation, you may gain some peace from it too.” He chuckled softly and added, “That or there is always YouTube.”
"Nah, stupid cat videos and autotune garbage is really more Mike's thing," Raph rejects the second idea outright. The first is trickier. "And... well, I already bugged dad once today," Raphael admits after an uncertain pause, sounding decidedly shy about it. "Not really meditating, just... talkin' to him. Prayin', I guess. I don't want his spirit to get sick of me whining to him all the time."
“Raph,” Leo calls out softly to his brother, shaking his head even though he wore a kind and understanding smile on his face.
“If dad did not get sick of my constant intrusions and begging for advice in life, which he did not, I am sure that his spirit will not begrudge you coming around to talk to him. He always enjoyed talking to us whenever we were open enough to talk to him. I am certain that the same holds true now.”
"Yeah, yer probably right," Raph agrees. "I just dunno what else I could even say. I don't have any answers... I don't think I even have the right questions. Everything is so complicated right now. I almost miss the simplicity of us versus the Shredder. Us versus the world." Raphael reaches into his belt and pulls out another smoke, but stops when he sees the weird eagle thing printed on the side of it. Shit... this is the one that belongs to Donnie. He can't smoke that. He said he would give it back, and still intends to keep that promise. He should have grabbed a few more from his room before heading out here. Sliding it back into the belt pocket with a sigh, the turtle concludes, "Times of peace are way more tricky, if you ask me."
“Times of peace are quite tricky,” Leo agrees before narrowing his unseeing eyes and solemnly continuing, “But you are not in a time of peace, Raphael. It may not be ‘us versus The Shredder’ or ‘us versus the world’ but right now you are certainly facing ‘Raphael versus Donatello’s mental illness’ which may be an even more fearsome enemy, one that currently has our brother captive as a prisoner of war “
He shoved his hands into the deep pockets of his trenchcoat and began to pace the length of his room. “Perhaps conceptualizing the enemy as such will make it easier to to form a battle plan. You are at a disadvantage though, seeing as our tactician is under it's control.”
"Under it's control..." Raphael doesn't seem to like that. "You talk like it ain't reasonable. Like it ain't what any of us would be feeling in his situation. But that ain't how it is. I'm pretty sure it would be worse -- at least, if it had happened to me. I wouldn't be keeping my shit together half so well. You know I can't tell you everything, but.. I can tell you that much. He's been real strong, Leo. For all our sakes."
His tone was not defensive, rather Leonardo spoke with genuine concern and curiosity, “How am I supposed to come to the conclusion that this reaction is reasonable when I have been kept almost entirely in the dark about it? I have no idea what Donatello is going through, I only see my brother who has always had more potential than the lot of us, in many ways, becoming aggressive, secretive and combative. His cool and logical composure replaced with a ticking time bomb.”
“You tell me he has been strong and that things are bad for him. I am trying hard to trust that when you say that you have got this under control that you are certain of that… But I hope that you can step into my shoes and take a look at how all of this really looks from my perspective and see how hard it has been for me to stay relatively silent about it while you have tried to reach him.”
"I know, Leo," Raphael looks at the ground and gives a steady nod. "Believe me, I get it. I'd be ready to beat it outta somebody if I was in your shoes. Ya been real patient with us, and I appreciate it. I am gonna work on it, getting him to talk. I don't see how we can face what's coming without you guys. It's gonna take each and every one of us. We gotta take this on as a team. That's one of my priorities for sure, getting him to see that!" The red-clad ninja shakes his head with true regret. "But I can't be the one to tell ya what's going on. Not without his say-so. Leo, I swore an oath -- a serious oath, okay? Maybe I shouldn't have, but I did. It's done. I gave him my word." He looks up and searches the air, imploring. Surely Leo, of all people, can respect the sanctity of this.
Leonardo rolled his milky white eyes at the mention of, what he had interpreted as, this prophecy of doom. He had gathered enough to know that these two believed there was some calamity on the horizon but refused to say anything about it. The novelty of this information had quickly grown stale, leaving Leo merely annoyed at the cryptic half warnings.
He let out a heavy sigh, “Yes, I understand that. And I am trying to remain patient. I want to give you the room you need to help him, seeing as you are the only one of us that has seemed to make any headway. The way I see it, as long as I am stuck here, doing things your way seems the best option. If things are not resolved by the time I get home however, I hope that you will be willing to look at an alternate course of action, whatever that may be.”
"Don't fuckin' threaten me, Leo." Raphael comments wearily. "You wanna come home and lay down the law, that's fine with me. I'm gonna get us prepared as best we can, and get Don to a point where he can actually talk about it." He's vaguely annoyed at Leo now, but that's fine. Vaguely annoyed is better than filled with panic and self-doubt. "By the way, if you still got my knife in that footlocker, I'm so taking it back." It's not really his knife. He took it off a dead guy. Leo had issues with that. But it's a really sweet fucking knife.
“I did not threaten you, Raphael.” Leo snaps, his patience officially wearing out with his brother. “What I said is that if in six months what you are doing is not working I would hope that you would try something else while I am there to help. I do not see a threat in there. I do not even see me saying that I will be ‘laying down the law’. I said that I would like to see YOU try something else. I am trying to work with you here. I'm trying to be lenient and understanding. I do not appreciate being accused of threats when I have done nothing but give you your way here.”
Leonardo threw his swords onto his back with a growl of frustration and added, “The knife is there. Not like there is much that I can do in the way of stopping you from taking it. Just know that I think you are better than that. A stolen weapon from a dead man is far beneath you. I will be disappointed. But I can't stop you. Was there anything else you need or are we done here?”
"Yeah, Leo... that's it, I guess," Raph grumbles, pushing away from the bricks he has been leaning on and heading for their front door. "I just had to check 'spoil Leo’s morning' and 'find new ways to be a disappointment' off today's to-do list." The turtle tugs on the pipe that is really the a hidden lever, causing the front door to rumble open.
“Well, at least you are efficient.” Leo grumbles unhappily, almost immediately regretting it. The shinobi sighed once again and turned to his brother, “I’m sorry. I did not mean that.”
“I am just stressed and it is unfair to take it out on you. You are just doing what you think is best.” Rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly he added, “I am glad you called. I do want to know what is going on and I do not want my outburst to deter you from contacting me. I am sorry, Raph.”
"It's all cool, Leo," Raph grunts. "Takes a helluva lot more'n that to shut me up for good."
The turtle's massive shoulders lift and fall in a shrug. "I'm still just doin' my part to help you sleep better at night. Anyway, wouldn't you rather get into it with me these days than Mike or Don?"
Leonardo was glad that the little spat between them deescalated before it turned into a huge rift like the fights that they once had as teens. If this conversation had happened even just a few years ago it was likely that the two of them would he at eachother’s throats by now, probably throwing punches.
He let out a soft chuckle and responded, “Yes, actually. You seem to be the most reasonable of my brothers lately.”
By now Raphael is inside, and the door has rumbled firmly shut behind him. "Yep... the world is officially topsy-turvy," he agrees. He returns to the treasure room which is not too far from the front entrance and stands idle, overlooking the many items enshrined there. The empty eyes and painfully wide smile of his youngest brother's Cowabunga Carl head looks back at him. It creeps him out a little -- always has. "Is Mikey..." he begins, then shakes his head and amends, "I know you can't say much about him. But -- just tell me he ain't miserable! Tell me he's doin' better than he seemed to be when we tossed him out."
“Mikey is fine, Raph.” Leo reassures. Through the days that he had been with the council they had made it clear what was expected as far as their clan’s involvement in Mike’s trials, which was that none of them were to contact him at this point or interfere. They had never said that his trials must remain unknown to the rest of the clan.
“I wouldn't expect any more letters from him though. He is not on Third Earth anymore.” He cleared his throat a little then briskly added, “He is with Usagi on Seventh Earth. Charging Usagi with being Mikey’s yojimbo during his trials was approved by the council in the hopes that he would be able to learn some restraint and humility from a few teachings of bushido. He was only alone for a total of five minutes.”
Raph whirls around at the words 'he is not on Third Earth anymore', like he is ready to fight somebody over this. But of course there is no one there. He stares balefully through the open archway, processing the next words a bit slower thanks to the sudden flare of temper which had caused a roaring in his ears and briefly blocked out his reason. At first his mind had pictured Mikey alone on an alien world, a thought which was completely unacceptable. After all, Mikey hadn't needed very much time at all unsupervised on the planet D'Hoonib before he (and his greedy stomach) had managed to cause a fairly impressive bar fight.
The turtle's unbandaged hand flexes in and out of a fist and eventually he starts to nod in acceptance. "Okay, so... so he's in that other Japan," he confirms, perhaps needlessly. He tries to picture an old world creature like Usagi traveling to distant planets and having space adventures. It seems like a perfectly ridiculous idea, but he feels obliged to make sure. "Chilling with a bunch of animal people, and has a furry little you watching over him. I guess I can live with that. Though I'm gonna miss his letters. Guess I can stop checkin' the mail every day."
That is something he did while Leo was gone too. The only difference is that now he has mellowed and matured enough to openly admit it.
“Yes, he is in Usagi’s Japan, with him. Thus far there is nothing particularly interesting to report. They have simply been travelling from where I dropped him off to the next large city and together they have figured out the clues that the Council left for Michelangelo which they are on their way to completing those tasks.” He says with a slight shake of his head, still somewhat perturbed that Michelangelo had gotten Usagi to decipher his scroll.
“I will be getting regular reports on their whereabouts and activities, as they are being tailed by the Neko clan of ninja from Usagi’s world. Anything important happens and I will let you know about it.”
"Sure, if you wanna," Raphael agrees uncertainly. "Not much I can do from here, though." He's just not sure what he is supposed to do with this information, other than be comforted by it. But it brings up another question. "You weren't checking in on me the whole time I was doing my trials, were ya?" Even having passed with exemplary marks, it is kind of a disconcerting thought.
Leonardo chuckled briefly, “No. I was not checking up on you, Raph. I received your letters and a brief report from the council about once a month. It was standard procedure.” in a tone that took on a slightly dark edge he added, “Mike's trials are not so simple…”
He let out a brief sigh, “But if he stays on course and does as he is supposed to we should be able to put all of this behind us soon and then I can try to convince Donatello to willingly undertake his trials.”
Raphael snorts in typical pessimistic fashion. "Good luck with that. Wasting yer time on a lost cause, if you ask me. He's pretty dead set against it. Just gonna alienate him further if you push it."
He doesn't really expect Leo to take his advice, though. All of the Hamatos are bull-headed and stubborn in their own way.
"And Usagi's really cool with helping us like this?" Raphael wonders, his good hand coming up to scratch at his chin thoughtfully. "We ain't seen him in ages. Like, I was kinda wondering if maybe we did something to offend the guy..."
Raph’s comments about Donatello’s lack of willingness to undertake the trials of the Tribunal did not come as a surprise to Leonardo. He had, for quite some time, been trying to convince his brilliant brother to set out but had been met with nothing but resistance along the way. He could only hope that he would be able to convince Don otherwise, unsure that the council would be willing to let any of the Hamato’s go without their trials, given the talent within their midst… and trouble their clan has caused.
His head jerked upwards at his younger brother’s words about Usagi and Leonardo was extraordinarily glad that he had not appeared before Raph, certain that his surprise and hurt were showing plainly on his face.
“Our clan has done nothing to offend him.” The turtle replied carefully, making sure that while vague he was telling no lies to his brother. And it was true. The clan had done nothing to cause offense. Leonardo himself on the other hand, that was an entirely different story. “Events of life has created the distance, though he has expressed that he still regards all of us very highly and misses the company. He was quite willing to undertake this task to help our family.”
Raphael nods, "Well, that's good. Tell him thanks for me, the next time you... well, I guess if he's guardin' Mike that could be a while. But it's mighty good of him. Hopefully Mike ain't already drivin' him nuts." The red-masked turtle stretches and decides, "Look, I didn't wanna take up yer whole morning. I'm probably gonna fix myself some grub and... I dunno, kick the bag, since I can't really punch it. But I'm glad we gotta way to talk, even if it is with crummy magic, heh. Got any parting words of zen wisdom for me?"
“I am sure that Mikey has been on his best behavior… so I am also quite certain that he is driving Usagi ‘nuts’ by now.” Leonardo said playfully. In truth there was no one that he believed more capable of dealing with Mike’s eccentricity than Usagi. The ronin had proven to him to be infinitely patient with those that he claimed as friends. But he also took solace in the fact that Usagi was not likely to put up with toxic or damaging behavior.
The samurai whom he had taken as his lover all those years ago, while somewhat reckless and headstrong at times, had shown on countless occasions to have a moral compass that was unwavering. He was certain that Usagi’s good judgment would help steer Michelangelo down the right path.
With that comforting thought in mind he continued, “I do not mind giving some of my time to you, Raph. I am glad that you called. I guess all that I have left for now is that I do not want you to hesitate to call me back. I would like to get regular updates on Donatello.” He gave a shrug and added, “As for zen wisdom… I don't know… Be true to yourself. Never wear white after labor day… Something like that.”
"Perfect," Raph chuckles. "That last should be pretty easy. I don't got anything white." Leonardo is crazy if he thinks Raph is going to tattle on Don for every little thing. Maybe it would be better if he had never brought up Don and opened that door at all -- but on the other hand, he does feel better for having discussed some of it. "Look, I'll keep in touch," Raph offers truthfully, though he is careful not to promise more than that. "But this is supposed to be divide and conquer, man. I might hit you up for advice, but don't be tryin' to put all'a Don's crap on your shoulders. You're too far off, and ya got more'n enough to deal with between Mike and the Tribunal, yeah?" His good fist thumps his plastron, right below the gaudy golden pendant. "Them's my words of wisdom."
His brother's words are met with a soft sigh. He knew that it was the best that he was going to get from Raph, however displeased may by it. “The well-being of the clan is my top priority. Talking to me about the goings on there is not, in my opinion, putting ‘crap’ on my shoulders. So please, if there is anything you ever want to talk about, anything at all, please do not hesitate to talk to me for fear of putting more on my plate. I am here to help, I am not trying to be the bad guy where any of you are concerned. I would do anything for my family.”
He cleared his throat as if the gesture could dispel the vulnerability and emotion that he had just displayed before his brother. “Having said that, I hope that if things start looking up or start going South that you will let me know about it.”
"I hear ya, Leo!" Raph gives a long-suffering laugh. "Loud and clear. Any big shit goes down, I'll let you know. But I also do not wanna be feelin' like... I dunno, some kinda double agent every time I hang with Don! Like, I want him to be able to trust me. And I don't see how he can do that if I'm running to you to blab about every stupid thing. I'm sorry, but that's the best yer gonna get from me.
The idea that he was truly seen as the ‘bad-guy’ by the majority of his siblings caused a heavy sadness within the blind shinobi. The fact that letting him know what was happening with Donatello would be seen as a betrayal stung him profoundly. But he supposed that it came with the territory of being the jonin of their clan. Sometimes it was more important to be his brother’s leader than it was to be their friend.
For now though, he could accept what Raph was willing to give as far as Donatello was concerned. If things went badly he would be made aware of it, but until that time it is not like there is a whole lot that he could do while stuck in the temple of the Tribunal anyway.
“The best I am going to get will have to do for now then, I suppose.” he replied a few moments later in a solemn, but accepting voice. “Just try to take care of him and of yourself. I want everyone in one piece when I get home.”
"What? Whaddya think I been--!" Raphael splutters, bringing his hands up to his face. The touch of the bandage against his skin reminds him of the injury and he drops it quickly, but the other rakes over the dome of his skull in frustration. "We're fucking benched, Leo! I been keeping us benched, okay? I been following your orders!" His good hand makes a slashing gesture out the archway, towards the main living chamber. "I spent most of last night on the goddamn couch watching Dexter reruns while Donnie dicked around in his lab. Tell me, Leo, is that safe enough for you?" Even though he can't see Fearless, he takes a challenging step forward as he growls, "You want I should tone it down, maybe watch Powerpuff Girls instead next time? Hey, I know! We could plant a nanny cam in Don's lab! Then, when he finds it, when he feels real pissed off and invaded, it'll be fine! Because Don's so fucking smart, right? He'll eventually realize we did it all for his well-being! Doesn't that sound like a swell fucking plan?"
“That is not what I meant and you know it, Raphael.” Leo snaps in response to the outburst that he received from his brother. Over the years the shinobi had become accustomed to these flares of anger from his red-clad brother. It was not often that they were able to have a conversation without a small one making an appearance. It was honestly surprising that it had taken this long into the conversation for it to happen.
The blind shinobi pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration and continued with a low growl, “I was just trying to tell you to take care. That I want you to be safe. That I care about you and I worry because I love you. I am sorry if you are frustrated by my decision to take you and Donatello out of commission while I am gone but with your injury and his decline of mental health I thought it for the best. I get that it sucks but I am just trying to be a good leader.”
"I never said that it was a bad call, Leo," Raph returns sharply. "I wouldn't still be backing you on this if I thought it was a bad call! Fer Christ's sake, I'm not pissed off about being benched! I'm pissed off because I don't see how I can do right by both of ya'. The whole main reason I called is because I am kinda struggling with when I should be a leader and when I should be a friend. But that is clearly something you still suck at. The next time you wanna show me how much you love and care? Maybe you should just fucking say that." A weariness comes over his face then. Raph regrets having said that -- in fact, he is starting to regret having said any of it. Shit. Leo doesn't need this right now. "Look," he grimaces. "I'm done. Let's... not do this. We can't afford to do this, none of us can. We keep pushin' each other away. You just, you freaked me out a little, talkin' about wanting to come home to everybody bein' in one piece... I can't control that. Awful things could happen, no matter how hard try to stop it."
“I understand that it is a tough call to make, believe me, I do. And I may not have been the best at knowing when it was the most prudent to step in as a brother and friend rather than the leader of the clan, but I hope that you know that it is because at the end of the day the well being of each of you and the future of our clan rests on my shoulders.” At this point Leonardo had begun pacing the floor of his quaint room, his diatribe aimed at the polished wooden floor. He knew that Raph was trying his best to fulfil the role that he had left for him but he could not help but feel as though his own efforts for the clan were being attacked personally.
He had tried with everything he had to do right by his brothers and to do justice to the legacy that was left to him by their sensei. He had sacrificed the only thing in his life that had ever brought him true happiness all for the sake of his clan.
He turned on his heel to face the image of his younger brother and added with an exasperated breath, “I understand that your trust with Donatello is fragile and that it is important for that trust to not be broken. I am not asking you to violate that trust. I am simply asking you to come to me if you need help or if you feel as though the situation becomes beyond your control. If I did not trust you to make the right calls here I would not have left you in charge. I trust you, Raph. You are my second in command and I truly do believe that this is well within your grasp. But I also know that leadership can be a hard burden to bear and I want to be able to support you through it.”
Leonardo had not felt this worn down in a long time. He had managed for so long to keep it together, or at least he had managed to maintain the appearance of keeping it together, but as he spoke the exhaustion was clear in his voice, “The truth is that I do not know that I really know how to be a friend to any of you anymore. You are right that I have pushed all of you away by being the leader. But the leader is what I have to be. I want you all to be in one piece when I get home because it is my job to take care of you. I know that some things are beyond our control but if anything happens to any of you it is my failure.”
"No," Raph insists, narrowing his eyes. "Don is on me. If Don is not on me right now, then what's the fucking point of leaving me in charge? If it's no burden off you, might as well say we're equals, babysittin' each other until Mommynardo gets back!" The turtle parts his hands explosively. "How do you expect me to be responsible for shit, when you don't wanna share any of the goddamn responsibility? What could you really even DO if shit went down here at the lair, and you're locked up in some temple way the fuck in Japan? What good's it do Mikey, or any of us, to be freaking out about failing us back home somehow?"
The injured turtle's unbandaged hand stabs at the air violently. "And another thing, don't you talk like we ain't friends no more, just 'cause I raise my voice with you sometimes." He makes a grumpy sound in the back of his throat and adds, quieter, "You oughta know me better'n that by now."
He could understand what Raph was saying, and it was true that leaving Raph in charge back in New York did put some of the responsibility for the well being of Donatello onto his shoulders, but the fact remained that the fate of his clan was truly his responsibility. Raph may be immediately responsible for Donatello while he is gone from the lair, but it would still be his fault for not having prepared Raphael enough for the responsibility that he thrust upon him.
But there was no point in arguing it with his brother any longer. Raph had made up his mind about his stance on this and it simply was not worth the argument to try to change it.
The older of the two shook his head and replied in a weary voice, “I know that the reason why you yell is because you care.” He rolled his sightless, milky eyes and added, “And fine. Don is yours. He is your responsibility, until I get home it is on you. But do not call me Mommynardo. You know I hate that shit.”
"Fair 'nuff," Raphael smirks. "At least, 'til the next time you really earn it."
The half smile fades, his expression shifting to one of guarded concern. "But seriously, Leo... Don't take this the wrong way, but I kinda feel like any time you get wrapped up in all the ways you aren't living up to whatever you think yer supposed to be... when every other sentence comin' outta your mouth includes the word 'failure', like just a second ago? That should be a sign that it's time to check yourself. Like, meditate or something, do whatever it takes to clear that shit out of your head and focus on what you can do right now, yanno? Cuz you are never at the top of your game when you are obsessing about that shit. You are not as perceptive or as tactful or as badass as I know you can be when you are stuck in a cycle of tearing yourself down over shit that's over and done, or shit that ain't even happened yet. I'm not trying to... to attack you about this, I swear. I'm sayin' this as a brother and a friend."
Raphael is secretly glad he didn't mention anything about Don's confession that he has been suicidal. As much as it might be a comfort to share the burden of this terrible knowledge with someone, he's pretty sure that Leo couldn't handle that right now. Look how upset he got just from hearing that Don got sick during training and fell down the stairs!
The oldest of the Hamato clan was silent as his chunin spoke. The things that Raphael was saying were true, he was letting emotion cloud his mind, letting himself become too wrapped up in his failures and potential failures to be an effective leader or friend.
It was not as if this type of toxic mindset was new for him. Leonardo had struggled with these types of self destructive thoughts ever since he was a young shinobi and the responsibilities of leadership were placed upon his shoulders. He so often feared that he was going to fall short of his father’s expectations of him, that he would not be able to measure up to the title he had been given.
For many years the only times that he was able to put these feelings behind him was when he would spend time with Usagi. The way that the ronin would look at him, like he was perfect, like he could do no wrong, it made all the moments in between bearable. His ronin always seemed to know the perfect thing to say to him to settle his mind, always knew exactly what it was that Leo needed to hear.
He could not count the number of times that he had wanted to run back to the samurai in the last few years.
He only hoped that after he was able to get all of this settled with Mikey and Donnie that he would be able to patch things up with Usagi. He felt in his heart that the rabbit would hear him out and that together they could work through the hurt feelings that they were both harbouring. Holding on to that hope was one of the only things that had kept him soldiering through these recent events.
Tears had begun to sting his eye mutinously at the thoughts of the ronin. Tears that he could not afford or indulge. He took a deep breath and formed the symbol for RIN with his hands whispering, “Kokoro…” with a slight shift in position ZEN is now displayed as he releases his breath and with it the anxiety and pain that he had succumbed to, “...no ishi.”
When he addressed Raphael it was with a voice devoid of emotion, a zen calmness that had become quite typical for the blind shinobi over the years. “Thank you for that insight, Raphael. I will make sure that I keep a clear mind. I am of no use to anyone while emotionally compromised.”
"God damnit," Raph swears. "Seriously? I tell you to stop stressing about a thing, and that is your solution? Wall off your whole goddamn heart? How does that even make sense right now? How the hell are you supposed to make sure these Tribunal assholes feel for Mike and make the right call when you can't feel shit yourself?"
He shakes his head severely, already reaching for the necklace as if to remove it as he mutters, "Fuck this. And fuck you, man. I can't talk to you like this. Make this necklace glow or something when your stupid spell has worn off, asshole. And you better gotta fucking apology ready."
He knew that his brother’s words should sting, but they rolled off of him leaving no more than an understanding that Raphael was angered by his decision. He replied in a voice that was silky smooth and completely unaffected by the seething anger of his younger brother.
“I can see that you are angry, Raphael. I have not ‘shut off my heart’, I am merely using the tools available to me in order to be able to look at the situation at hand subjectively. I was ‘stuck in a cycle of tearing myself down’ and I needed to take a step back from my emotions in order to be an effective leader. But I understand that you want this conversation to come to an end due to my current state, I will respect that decision.”
"The tools available... what bullshit!" Raph has the necklace off now but he is just standing there, holding it in front of his face and snarling at it. He never was good at backing off once his temper has ignited. "Geez, I got one brother who is off flunking his trials and about to get arrested by the magic ninja police, and the other two are fucking robots half the time! You two got more in common than you know, I swear to God!"
His fist clenches harder around the red silk ribbon as he goes on to say, "But what the hell do I know, Leo? Maybe you two got the right idea. Maybe I oughta start emptyin' fucking syringes into my arm so I can feel nothin' too. Cause that's about how much respect I got for this tool of yours, you fucking hypocrite."
He slams the necklace onto the shelf with enough force to make the boards rattle, but it's a sturdy hunk of gold and none the worse for wear.
The red-masked turtle stomps away in a classic huff, but that will be left to Leo’s imagination. As soon as he is no longer in direct contact with the ribbon, Raphael disappears from sight.
Leonardo did not bother to respond to Raphael’s tirade. It would not be long before his brother had calmed down enough for them to once again calmly speak about the issues that they were facing. He did not even flinch when Raph verbally exploded and disappeared from sight, having obviously severed their connection.
The shinobi sat down on the soft padding that served as his bed and folded his legs into a graceful lotus position. While his mind was still he was able to look at the situation without his emotions skewing the way that he was perceiving the situation at hand. Perhaps there was some truth to what Raphael was saying though. He had begun to rely on the suppression of emotion by magic in order to cope with his situation. There was much about that situation which should be remedied.
If he had to suppress his emotions that meant that he was truly not in control of himself. He merely had a temporary illusion of control. If he was going to be the leader that his clan deserved he would have to start making changes in regards to his methods.
Perhaps it was for the best that Raphael was willing to call him out on this.
The jonin took a deep breath, making a mental note that when his spell wore off that he would need to make contacting Raph a priority, even though it would mean swallowing his pride.
He tucked the heavy metal amulet back into the inner pocket of his trench coat before laying back on the bed, closing his eyes and letting himself enjoy the sensation of utter stillness in his mind, this one last time.
"What a great fucking plan that was!" The turtle is still muttering under his breath, darkly sarcastic as he tromps towards the stairs. "Go to Leo for a heart to heart, you'll feel so much better!" Now his voice takes on an unfairly high pitch to mock his brother, "I can see that you are angry, Raphael. I have not shut off my heart, merely using the tools available."
His voice drops back to its natural pitch as he goes on to accuse, "You lied to my face! I know 'kokoro no ishi' means 'heart of stone', you fucking dick. I ain't that bad at Japanese."
He's seething about it all the way back to his room. Raphael almost misses the piece of paper, but he opens the door with such unnecessary force that it causes the computer paper Don taped there earlier this afternoon to flutter. He's been keenly trained to hone in on any unexpected movement in his peripheral vision, and jerks back a step to look at what has been left there for him.
Don is trying to apologize for this morning. His whole explosive conversation with Leo is forgotten as he looks it over. He's glad to have this, though he's still not convinced Don was more to blame than himself. Man, he has added even MORE sections to this thing, he observed with vague amusement. This fricken thing gets changes and gets more complicated every time we fight.
Then again, Raph supposes that makes sense. Don is a complicated guy.
What he reads on the page mostly fills him with fresh hope and new understanding. Right until he gets to something marked off near the bottom.
Don't tell Leo.
Raphael's stomach turns over. He glances up quickly to look towards Donatello's room, thinking: Fuuuuuck.
