So. I have Lateral Epicondylitis. Which is an inflammation on the root of the tendon on my arm. Apparently it takes a long time to heal and Iāll need to do physiotherapy for a while.
How did I get here? Wellā¦
first Iāve always had some wearing pain on my arm, from either drawing too much for long hours without pauses, or drawing with a bad posture. I tend to bring the paper, canvas, screen, too close to my face when I draw, and that makes my arms flexed in a narrower space to move my hands and draw, tensing my muscles.
My setup isā¦ not ideal š so when Iām on the computer, I was drawing with my hands on a 90 degree angle. That was tensing my arms even moreā¦
I was ALSO not taking breakes š
. My anxiety and abuse on energetic drinks, got me hyperfocusing for about 6/8 hours with no breaks. I wouldnāt even notice 6 hours have passed. My therapist thatās a symptom of my HDAD. Well I guess that was one of the aggravations.
Besides using the phone for long hours. For a while I was addicted to tiktok.
AND THEN I went to help my grandfather to renovate his house and took the task of breaking the old tiles attached to the floor, with a hammer. On my own. For reference, I weight 50kg.
After that I completely fucked my arm. And havenāt been able to grab a pen, type or anything that uses my hands. Just doodling that drawing above already made my arms sore and hurt.
It be a lie to say that Iām okay, it came to me that I donāt really know who I am without the craft. Itās weird and I donāt know what to do. So lately Iām being forced to look at other areas of my life besides art.
I realised there were a lot of things I just wasnāt doing. I convinced myself Iād be progressing as long as I kept practicing, but there were a lot of things that needed my attention. Areas in my life Iāve been neglecting. People in my life who needed me.
I am taking the time to think carefully about what I will do next, and reflect on what I can do in my life that doesnāt involve drawing or art. I ended up isolating myself from the world specially after the pandemic, and for these past years my social life was inexistent, and I didnāt realise how much it affected my confidence in actually showing my work and not being a dictator, judge, devilish Anton Ego on myself every time I grab a pen.
I am noticing now, even though I am very introspective, I do enjoy being around people. Itās healthy for me to actually be present, to talk to them, being on conventions, and workshops, and presencial courses, and getting to meet new people, and see their work. I guess, for having a tendency for introspection and self isolation, and, I think the pandemic collaborated to that immensely as well, I just unlearned how to interact with people, and that raised my anxiety levels, because I have forgotten how people can be nice, and funny, and beautiful, creative. And my experiences on high school had me believe otherwise. Media, series, books, stories, all that invests into narratives where random people are mean and hostile with the main character. And thatās because that kind of conflict fascinates us, it makes the story more interesting. But life isnāt always like that. In fact those cases, bumping onto someone deliberately trying to attack you, is mora rare than kindness and empathy. People donāt like conflict, we enjoy watching a show with it, but being involved in it brings stress and anxiety. And we hate that.
Being so much in my own head, made me forget, or maybe Iāve never actually learned, that there is nothing to be anxious about showing your work. Itās the best way to connect with people.
it's funny to me that the right mindset for art was only brought to me when I was forced to stop practicing, it's absurdly ironic in fact.
I'm not helthy, but I feel like I'm in the right path now...
blakekathryn
prguitarman
janainaart
vaporwave
turnnoffyourmind
stormborns
dededos
