Hi, I hope you won’t mind me cutting in to throw my own two cents here!
I think most lesbians go through something like this, and so many of us can relate. Your experience is not something that cuts your off from the rest of us, but a pain we can understand. Hang in there!
Also, the fact that you have come to realize that you are a lesbian and have started to call yourself that tells me that you are in fact dealing with your internal conflict. You have just taken a huge step forward, recognized your feelings and accepted the true nature of them. You know you are a lesbian. That’s definitely something, and you should remember that especially now that you’re struggling towards the next step.
Feelings of insecurity and doubting others stem from your internalized lesbophobia and fear. You feel bad, so you reflect that back to others. It sounds to me like you both fear belonging and not belonging among lesbians. Perhaps you feel like a newcomer yourself since you have previously thought you were bi?
It’s okay. In your message you have recognized several problems that you’re having and categorized them. You are processing your problems, and that’s good! You are thinking about them, talking about them and searching for solutions. You’re doing great, Anon! Yes, it’s hard and the struggle is indeed real, it takes time and effort, but don’t think you’re stuck.
My advice is: Keep thinking and processing. Listen to your thoughts and feelings, reflect upon them and consider your options and other points of view. Talk to others like you’e doing now, reach out to friends and your community. By actively processing you’ll find solutions, and it gets easier with time.
Practice self-acceptance. Take a moment in a safe place and conciously forget about everyone else, don’t concern yourself with what others might be thinking about you and don’t burden yourself with expectations. Quiet your mind and let yourself be. Listen to your own thoughts, both good and bad, and let them come, inspect them, accept them, and then let them pass. They are just thoughts, and what actually matters is which ones you let stick and how you will act.
With self-acceptance comes confidence. It will take time to build up, but when you know yourself and can be at ease with yourself, you won’t feel like you need to rise up to some bar set by others nor do you want to judge others according to your standards.
Also remember that other wlw are just people. There’s a lot of us, each of us different, and it’s a given that we won’t all get along or agree on everything. We are connected only by our same-sex attraction, and besides that we come from all walks of life. That’s okay! You can’t control others, so all you can do is be kind, honest and practice good faith yourself, and you’ll find the people you like and who like you. Those are the ones you’ll find friendship, community and love with.
It’ll take time, but you’re definitely getting there! You’ve gone through a shift, and getting comfortable and confident takes time, but with that other good things will come. Keep working on yourself and it’ll be okay!