I just wanted to write a little about how marijuana helps my c-ptsd. I think it’s important so I’m gonna share my journey with you :)
PTSD is characterized by chronic stress-like symptoms that occur some time after a traumatic experience. The symptoms include but aren’t limited to hypervigilance, emotional reactivity, flash backs, and general anxiety. C-PTSD occurs after extreme, on-going, or repeated trauma.
Not everyone who experiences a traumatic event will develop PTSD. I personally believe people who are highly attached to their emotions and senses are at higher risk of developing PTSD after a traumatic event.
I am one such person. I’ve always felt like my sensory and emotional experience was visceral in a way that not everyone could relate to. And if they did relate to it, they never would have talked about it. It feels my internal speakers are always turned up to 11 and almost everyone else sits at a comfortable 3. I’ve always felt extremely overwhelmed by crowds and large groups. I don’t do well under certain bright lights, or with lots of loud noises. I was like this before I developed PTSD. It’s definitely part of my core personality and not something I learned.
PTSD took my visceral (and sometimes frankly very beautiful) emotional world and warped it into terror. I could no longer feel the joy in the world because all I could ever feel was just a little unsafe. All of my energy was redirected towards a deep distrust of myself and the world around me. I was afraid of this and so I tried to shut it off completely.
I was initially prescribed xanax, and then zoloft. I was diagnosed with “panic disorder” and sent on my way. These sure did shut “it” off. They shut off everything. I stopped having emotions. I stopped caring. I had no regard for myself or anyone else. Those medications might work for some, but they were probably one of the worst things that could’ve been given to me at the time. I’m frankly shocked I survived that time of my life because I did not care if I lived or died. But I was always a high achiever so no one would have known or thought there was a real problem. I was still going to work and functional.
I found weed around the same time but I didn’t think it had the “power” to replace my xanax. And it wasn’t medically recognized in my state yet so I really wasn’t convinced it had any therapeutic value. It was just the little thing I did every once in a while that I enjoyed.
I was able to get off of Zoloft and regain some of my feelings. But Xanax… I wasn’t ready to give that up as easily. It was the first thing I ever took that was actually able to stop my panic attacks as they were happening. Of course, once it wore off I felt 1000000000000x worse but it worked when I needed it, right?…
Well, I had one more bad experience with Xanax then swore I’d never take it again. I haven’t used it in over 5 years. I told myself I was done with medications and would just try yoga. I was still using weed but again, I didn’t understand the value.
At this point, 5 years ago, I still didn’t even know I had c-ptsd. I knew I had a really bad panic disorder but I never thought to characterize it as that until marijuana became medically legal in my state.
“Oh stonedkitchenwitch, that’s real convenient that you suddenly found you had c-ptsd when it was on the list of approved medical conditions”
Ya. It was. I started to look into it and I realized what I’d been dealing with since I was young was much more than just an anxiety disorder.
I started to buy GOOD marijuana. I started to realize that the right stuff made me feel truly at ease. Like I could actually listen to myself and not the stress demon that seemed to live in my head. I could actually shut him off, and just… be. Just be me. As I learned to sit comfortably alone with myself I realized that I actually liked myself, and that my mind could be somewhere nice to live rather than the literal horror zone it had been for most of my life.
Just like any other drug, marijuana isn’t like this for everyone who takes it. I don’t think it’s for everyone. But it was never disorienting, or overwhelming for me. It always felt like it was gently bringing me back home to myself.
It takes those raw emotions that feel like an exposed electrical wire and gives them a coating. I can feel my bodily sensations in an approachable, soft, comfortable way, even if the sensation itself is uncomfortable. I can turn the volume in my brain down to 7, and suddenly I can hear music better. I can hear more of the instruments, and feel the beat. The world is softer, kinder, and more beautiful when I can turn down the volume and listen to myself and the world around me. It’s incredible and I’m so grateful to have legal access to this plant.
