jen i'm really nervous lately because after months/years of exclusively being "just friends" i've started a sort-of relationship with a close male friend. i have identified very strongly and comfortably as a lesbian for many years and i still feel almost exclusively attracted to women, and even now i'm not attracted to men with the exception of this deep emotional attachment to this one man i'm sleeping with
i guess i'm scared to abandon my lesbian label/identity because it's so important to me but i also don't want to feel like a fraud because i'm almost in love with a man (and feel like i could get married to him one day). if i had to place my sexuality i would say that i'm almost exclusively homosexual, incidentally heterosexual, but i still don't feel like it would be 'right' to still call myself a lesbian. i don't feel any internal strife about the situation, it's only when i start to think about explaining/coming out that i get uncomfortable
i've been a long time follower of yours and always appreciate your insight, do you have any advice you could share?
Sexual orientation can be tricky business in a world that we are required to use words to accurately describe ourselves for reasons of safety and stability. We have to be able to name ourselves to find like community and build connections with people who have shared the most experiences with us. And this is a vital survival technique in a world where being not heterosexual can be extremely dangerous. All LGBT people I know understand "Safety in Numbers" is a real thing.
While celebrating and naming our sexuality is wonderful and helps us to defeat isolation and that feeling of be the "only one" there are obstacles this support system can cause. Our sexuality does not change, at least not in my experience, but our understanding of it is what is fluid and can change. Often it takes time, maturity, life experiences and other things to help us understand our sexual attraction. However we live in a world where we are pushed to "pick one" and "figure it out" and then once we do everyone goes whole hog either cheering us on or putting us down. Very few us us come out to a sort of middle of the road acceptance.
Those who really love us and want to support us go all out with flags, pushing us to date "I know a lesbian...." and sometimes won't stop talking about how great it is. Even our community, and the friends who share our named orientation are very invested in our sexuality and for good reason, that is often the tie that binds us.
Those that dislike us cause us to dig in our heels and to become stubbornly self celebrating in order to defend ourselves.
Through all of this we sometimes forget to listen to ourselves, to be honest about new information we gather about our sexual attraction. To be "wrong' Is fodder for friends and enemies alike to fault us. But so many of us don’t get it right, especially in the age of on line engagement. We are not exposed to a wide variety of real people and life paths. We tend to fall into echo chambers. I you are on strictly lesbians on line spaces you might get a constant barrage of how being with men is awful and “poor straight and bi women.. they have to like men”. The conversations are not conducive (just like if you only know straight people who are not gay friendly) to allowing yourself to explore facets of your sexuality. The rewards for being one way tend to be high and the disparagement to be another way are aggressive and demeaning.
If you are sexually attracted to any man you are not a lesbians. You either have the capacity to have a sexual and emotional to men or you don’t, there is not “just this one man” or “but we are best friends so only him”. That is not the way sexuality works. In a neutral world no one would care and words like “lesbian” would not be so important be our world is far from neutral about sexuality.
You need to differentiate between “lesbian spaces and culture” and your lesbians friends. Most of your friends (good ones) will love you as you are. But it does not mean that you are entitled to lesbian spaces or conversations set aside for lesbians at this point. . As a woman dating and actively enjoying sexual intimacy and an emotional / romantic relationship with a man you are not a lesbian. You are bisexual.
Do not let the negative connotations about bi women you have been exposed to form your opinion of yourself. Being bisexual is a material reality. A perfectly normal and natural sexual orientation and you should not let your past exposure to myths and mistruths define you. Being wrong and misinterpreting information in also normal and happens to many of us, all ages.
Having some connections to lesbian culture is a fact for you since you spent time in that space in the same way that women who come out later in life have a history in the straight world. As someone who has been around and lived as a lesbian you are in the unique positions to understand why it is vitally important that women with sexual attraction to men do not usurp the word lesbian for themselves.
You don’t need to make a big “coming out as bi” step. Have the conversation with close friends. Find bi spaces on line or in your community. You will find a rich and varied degree of women and many will share a story much like yours. I think you will discover that you will resonate with others who have been where you are, thus making new ties to bind friendship and self love and acceptance.
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