like, no offense but i know more about you than i know about my s/o of three years.
which isn’t anything against you but is kind of concerning for me and them.
that’s where the conversation ended.
I think that you're right to be concerned about this, and the fact that both of you are moving on to other, potentially more fulfilling, relationships is certainly a factor to be considered. Ben needs to let you finish this conversation and commit to a course of action, but the fact that you have tried multiple times to bring up the idea of changing things in your relationship and have never received a response indicates that this won't happen. You are pushing your relationship along all on your lonesome, and rather than help you, they are choosing to ignore the problems in favour of whining, which isn't unsurprising given the fact that they are an addict and choose to not address that either.
Given the amount of times that you've tried to get some kind of response out of them, and that you are coming to a better place on your own, I think that what you need to do is explicitly state for Ben what is needed. Whether that's some changes, or a separation. I would personally lean toward the latter. Trying to coax them to participate hasn't done any good in the past three years, and that isn't going to change now. If Ben wanted to put in the work to save this relationship, they should have done so earlier.
At this point breaking up with them would be the smartest choice, I think. Not so that it would free you up to date whoever else, but because this relationship is going nowhere and it's taking you with it. You deserve better than that.
hm. ok... in their defense we have made like, baby steps. like. last time we had a discussion it was about how we never talk and they keep disappearing. and they did start talking to me a little more, especially the first few days after, and they said they were starting therapy so maybe it would help with stuff between us too but then a couple weeks after i asked how it was going and they didn’t answer. and i don’t want to shit on them for being an addict because it’s heroin and they’re depressed and i know it’s really hard. but i’ve like, tried to help them quit a few times. i offered like, to pay for rehab, i made a plan for them to quit warm turkey, i read everything i could read, i said i would stay with them for withdrawals and everything. so. i don’t know what to do with that but i’ve addressed it, things just. haven’t changed.
i’m kind of scared of outright breaking up with them. so.
Given the last time that you attempted to break up with someone, I completely understand your apprehension.
i might be like. “we either need to make some serious plans about changing stuff, because i have tried a lot and nothing really has, or i think we should consider the alternative. maybe. i really want us to make this work, though.”
That is an option, but I purposefully didn't suggest that.
It's too open-ended and leaves a lot of room for them to not address the real problems. Ultimatums never work out because they just create pressure to perform and don't actually foster a sense of urgency like you expect. If you give them the "We need to fix these things, or we will separate," line, more likely than not you'll get a conversation or two out of it, and then nothing for a very long time until you need to address it again, and at that point it's just an endless series of second chances, because you can delude yourself into thinking that it may be different this time. Concrete responses are better.
You're too wishy-washy in the way you present it, as well.
You need to make clear statements. None of the fuss of trying to make it palatable.
can i be concrete without outright breaking up, then. idk... i do want to give them a chance to talk about things more.
If you're going that route, you should say something like "We need to talk about x," or "We need to do something about x," or ideally "We need to do x about y."
Clear, concise, and to the point. No room to weasel out of it.
and then if it doesn’t work, we break up?
ah shit, i’m already going to get divorced, aren’t i. i’m going to have 800 wives serially like my dad and that’s just going to be my truth.
If whatever you suggest doesn't work, or they refuse, or they just don't put forth the effort required to make it happen, then yes you should separate.
Well, for starters, you really shouldn't be married at your age anyway. No offense.
i see. ok. i can do that.
i know... we got engaged when we were 18 and it felt right, like, at the time. all we ever talked about was how in love we are and i really thought it was a forever thing. maybe this will all work out ok.
I told you once before, Sasha.
Love is a wonderful thing, but a relationship cannot survive on love alone.
jeez, at least put that in a hard to swallow pills meme.
That's more Wade's style than mine.
that conflicts with my worldview, so i’ll do you one better instead of that: i’ve maybe been riding a feeling from 2015 for way too long and i think the biggest part of being loved is being known and the way we talk to each other feels so performative to the point that like, maybe we just aren’t really in love.
That occurred to me as well.
like, in an “i can’t believe it’s not butter!” kind of way.
You were desperate to be in a new relationship, so you took the first person who was kind to you.
You don't need to be in a relationship to be happy.
Sometimes you need time just to be yourself.
my time to be myself was all the months i spent laying on the floor of my room doing nothing.
i’ve never not had anybody. even when it was just fakedating.
You can't live your life through the lens of other people.
i wouldn’t call it. that. i just. like. idk.
all of the things i could say here are really unfortunate so.
Then you've made my point for me.
i kind of feel like i’m in high school again. like, i just want people to like me.
Everyone wants to be liked by someone. That's normal.
What isn't normal is when you center your entire personhood around being liked.
i had a super brief period where it wasn’t like that. like, when i was on that stupid team? i didn’t really care if people liked me or not when i decided to do stuff. i wasn’t really good, i wasn’t really nice, but i was right. sometimes. but that kind of disappeared when that stopped being a thing.
People should like you for who you are, not the other way around.
so what, should i start being a bitch again. i have an endless well of unkind thoughts.
No. It's not always one or the other, Sasha. There is middle ground.
everything i am was up to someone’s vote. freakin’. my fake name was sahara until someone told me it was ugly, so i changed it to sasha, which everyone says they like even better than sofie. so i’ve kept it. and like, i like my hair better blonde, i think. like, my real color. i think it makes me look like rapunzel from tangled. but everyone else thinks it’s prettier platinum.
where? my telescope is broken.
Why would you let other people run your life like that?
(like, you know the kind pirates use. to see land. and they’re like. land ho!)
i want to be what people want. idk.
If people need you to change to be acceptable to them, you need to find new people.
nobody’s ever really forced me to. i just, like. do it.
i don’t even talk to the person from the name thing anymore.
I would urge you to start making your own decisions. Even if they're small.
i have no decisions to make.
i already decide what i want to watch on tv. most of the time. that’s the highest stakes there are for me.
There are always decisions to make. And asserting your opinions and choices over small things is good practice for the bigger ones.
well. i do capital h have really strong opinions. on everything. like, i think beer and heavy vaccuums are atrocities to god.
the word that is pronounced like vackyoom.
i just don’t see how having opinions helps with anything when the stakes are what i said.
Having opinions doesn't mean anything if you let the whims of other people override them. You had opinions about all of those things you said before, but because someone else said otherwise, you chose to ignore what you wanted to please them. The challenge isn't so much in acknowledging that you feel a certain way as it is in remembering that your opinion on things, things that involve yourself, is important, and should come before whatever anyone else says. You get to pick your hair color. You get to decide what name you go by. These are the most basic of identity things that you should always be in sole control and ownership of. Asking for the opinions of others should occur rarely, and that input should be seen as supplemental, not a substitute.
easier said than done. but. thanks.
Good. I'm always glad when the things I say are actually helpful and not just taken as so much bluster.
how do you find the balance between supplement and substitute?
i'm going to start with you. my aesthetic isn't to make other people happy and it's one of the very few things i get enjoyment out of putting together. it's beauty for its own sake, so die.
if it was for other people it would include, like, men.
That was so beautiful and perfect.
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