misty windows and blurry lights

i've got magic beans.

[s-n-arly]

Skip Google for Research

As Google has worked to overtake the internet, its search algorithm has not just gotten worse.  It has been designed to prioritize advertisers and popular pages often times excluding pages and content that better matches your search terms 

As a writer in need of information for my stories, I find this unacceptable.  As a proponent of availability of information so the populace can actually educate itself, it is unforgivable.

Below is a concise list of useful research sites compiled by Edward Clark over on Facebook. I was familiar with some, but not all of these.

⁂

Google is so powerful that it “hides” other search systems from us. We just don’t know the existence of most of them. Meanwhile, there are still a huge number of excellent searchers in the world who specialize in books, science, other smart information. Keep a list of sites you never heard of.

www.refseek.com - Academic Resource Search. More than a billion sources: encyclopedia, monographies, magazines.

www.worldcat.org - a search for the contents of 20 thousand worldwide libraries. Find out where lies the nearest rare book you need.

https://link.springer.com - access to more than 10 million scientific documents: books, articles, research protocols.

www.bioline.org.br is a library of scientific bioscience journals published in developing countries.

http://repec.org - volunteers from 102 countries have collected almost 4 million publications on economics and related science.

www.science.gov is an American state search engine on 2200+ scientific sites. More than 200 million articles are indexed.

www.pdfdrive.com is the largest website for free download of books in PDF format. Claiming over 225 million names.

www.base-search.net is one of the most powerful researches on academic studies texts. More than 100 million scientific documents, 70% of them are free

[tedcruzsradblr]

Not to sound like a boomer here but I feel like I see so many people isolating themselves and spending HOURS and HOURS glued to social media like tiktok and just really rotting away. My friends will send me the most hyper niche TikToks like “how to align your spirit with your intentions” and I just shake them and be like “by getting off your phone and touching grass”. And I’ve done it too! Spent 8+ hours watching short clips of bullshit and ads and it’s draining and depressing. Being outside and disconnected for even short periods has been tremendously helpful for my mental health.

We were not meant to consume meaninglessly like this for hours on end day after day. We are social creatures and we need social interactions. Our brains literally degrade faster in isolation. An isolated person that is glued to their phone is the perfect consumer and it’s almost criminal at this point just how much it’s robbing us. Our social lives, our grasps to reality, our communities, and our physical and mental health.

[gilalevana]

I can tell when I'm doom scrolling, regardless of what app I'm using. When I do, I try to put my phone down and get up. Get water, a snack, just walk around in a circle. Anything to help my brain reset and think of something better to do.

A while ago I realized that part of the feeling that drives me to doom scroll is loneliness, I am craving human connection and so I pick up my phone and try to find it. These days I try to analyze the feeling and figure out why I'm feeling that way but it took YEARS of practice to be able to do this.

[old-school-butch]

In the 90s, as the number of tv channels ballooned from a dozen to hundreds available, you could spend an entire evening flipping channels with your finger on the remote, changing, changing, looking for something that was actually entertaining enough to stop and watch for more than 10 seconds.

That's what you're doing when you scroll. You are searching, searching for something interesting but you're not finding it. When you scroll, it means you're bored. Stop and wait until you feel the boredom and then let it guide you to something interesting that you actually want to do.

You can't fully feel an emotion unless you've experienced the other side of the coin. You don't know joy until you've experienced loss, because that loss sharpens your appreciation for those joyful moments. You have to experience desire to feel satisfied. You have to approach boredom to seek out your interests.

If you feel trapped it's because you're in limbo. Let your poor brain take a break, let your feelings bubble up so you can find out what they are and then let them direct you into activities that make you happy.

If that's too much to get started, seek out slow media. Long form essays and audiobooks, slow paced movies from the 1940-50s. If you don't find yourself pausing to reflect on what you're feeling as you consume entertainment, then it's moving too fast for you and numbing you in the process.

[antiporn-activist]

There are many ways to dissociate and avoid your feelings. Phones are one of the ways.

But feelings aren’t as scary as you think and moods are temporary.

[lessonfromtheleaves]

i took the minibus home as the dusk settled over. a popular soft rock song in the 2000s played over the radio, but i could not remember its title. i looked past the windows between the curtains, trying to make out the surroundings outside. i thought of my boyfriend, whom two years ago was just a footnote in my life, but now means everything to me. and i thought of my dreams, how they have been sitting in my head all these years, but i have just started taking steps for them just recently. i wondered if i could make them real. in the news, carlos yulo has won two gold medals. i love the social media posts about him, especially about his beginnings as a young gymnast. i'm not into sports but the stories of the athletes inspire me. i hope someday i can also achieve the impossible.

this is for creating my own path, as the structure of school and past achievements end. this is for shooting my shot, no matter how impossible. as i took the minibus home, i observed everything and thought that i am content with these. the ordinary. the mundane. but just like athletes competing in the olympics, there is nothing wrong striving for the extraordinary.

[lessonfromtheleaves]

when i was a child, we go to the city to celebrate christmas with our relatives. as a lonely kid, it is something i look forward to every year. some things did not matter. like the sewage smell from the corners of the compound, or the lack of greenery. because most times we would go to a mall or an amusement park, or spend the whole night singing with the karaoke. not to mention the gifts i'd receive. now we spend christmas in each of our homes, not together anymore. although i must say i am not as sad as i used to be when i was younger. but i still keep that old blue pouch my cousin gave me. some things stay.

[lessonfromtheleaves]

today i passed by the veterinary clinic where our cat has died. it took me back to the last time i saw him, barely breathing. i left him there, thinking that he'd recover.

sometimes regrets come to mind. i should have brought him home with us that day, i thought. so that he could stay with us till the end. maybe if we have brought him to a better clinic in the metro maybe he'd live. maybe we would learn his true illness.

when i went home i looked at his grave. i promised myself i'd place flowers on its ground as long as the yellowbell plant blooms. i would pull out the grass and fix the solar lights. i would never forget. the grief stays with me forever.

[lessonfromtheleaves]

i still miss you. it's probably something our family has to carry throughout our life. i remember you whenever i look at the spot you were buried. the yellowbell plant beside it blooms and someone places fresh flowers at that spot every morning. in the evening, the solar lights automatically cast light at your spot, illuminating the wall and the flowers on the ground. i remember you when i look at mona, your feline companion who probably has forgotten you. her kittens have been sent to new homes and she's now alone. from being a mother for months, seems like she has changed back to that of a child, chasing every moving thing she catches with her eye. maybe this is how she copes being alone, without her children and her partner. i remember you when i scroll through the pictures i have captured the last two years, and realizing that i have not taken a picture of you in the recent months before you fell ill. i remember you when i get sad about other things. maybe this is how grief works. the waves get stronger during lonely times. i remember you when i look at each corner of the house you used to stay. i miss your purr. still remember the sound of it. everytime i come home, everytime you want the door open. i have bought the net that was supposed to cover the window whenever you feel like watching outside, because you did not get a lot of chances before. we were scared you'd go outside where it is dangerous. but an illness took you away. an illness we'd probably never learn. i miss you all the time. i hope there's a heaven for animals like they say. because it is hard to imagine someone you have loved to have turned into nothing for all eternity. the weight of that soul, where does it go?

[lessonfromtheleaves]

he was just a coworker, a friend, someone to argue with. now he is stitched in every part of me, seeping into every aspect of my life. how could someone who used to be a footnote in your life now appears in almost each page? sometimes i try to remember when have i started seeing him in a different light. in that wedding, in another wedding. or maybe even before, when we exchanged holiday greetings we never talked about. no matter how this ends, i think i'd love him forever.

[scottlava]

“Every rejection, every disappointment has led you here to this moment.”

[lessonfromtheleaves]

i look up at the night sky, but even the stars are not present to make me feel a bit better about my life. i've finished watching better call saul last night. the last episode about regrets. if jimmy had asked me where i would go if i could go back in time, i knew exactly what to say. sometimes i close my eyes and imagine living the life i'd have if i had done things differently. but i guess it's time to stop indulging in the fantasies of what could have been. we make our choices and must live through the consequences of those choices. i just wish it is easy to change tracks once you learn you are in the wrong direction. most times it is not the failure of ambitious dreams or unachieved milestones that make me lonely, but the loss of a community i once had. one i chose to let go of. i miss the feeling i belonged. i miss the person i used to be.

i am still trying. hopefully one day i'd find myself happy again. right now i'm convincing myself to be content on a starless sky.

[heartcountry]

i love you perpetually heartbreaking world despite the perpetual heartbreak i love you morning rain i love you ocean tide i love you incognito search window to see if someone i once loved is still alive and well i love you strangers i love you dream where everyone comes back

[daisyjazzridley]

Sunshine Cleaning (2008) dir. Christine Jeffs

[suntara]

my favorite love language is trying, actually

[suntara]

like when people try to learn your hobbies or try to play the same sports that you play in an effort to get closer to you, people who try to love you the way you love people, people who will go to places you want to visit just for your sake, people remembering, putting in an effort. just. trying

[mityenka]

[dogmotifs]

rly been obsessed with this tiktok dude who posts essentially notes app truisms with his book shelf as a back drop

[symphonyoflovenet]

“My whole religion is this: do every duty, and expect no reward for it, either here or hereafter.”

— Bertrand Russell, Greek Exercises

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

When God closes a door I reach my little paws under it and meow until He opens it again.

[youcouldmakeareligionoutofthat]

Parable of the persistent widow

[cheruib]

every day i wake up alone in my little creaky beloved bed and I look around with sleepy eyes and realize it’s a “remember, loneliness is still time spent with the world” kind of morning

[lessonfromtheleaves]

i remember it quite clearly. i was walking down the bus aisle looking for an empty seat when i saw your sleeping face. your head leaning against the window, mouth slightly open. for a split second i thought, 'what a cute sleeping boy'. until i realized it was you. i sat farther back, thinking what were the odds we would be riding the same bus on the way to work. i was not able to catch up with you as many passengers stood up and got off. we never got to ride the same bus again after that.

sometimes i wonder if things would have been different if i was able to catch up with you and talk. i also wonder about the other things. like if the pandemic did not happen, would we have been closer? or if i had replied to one of your messages. i had always thought there was a next time. until a few days ago when i learned that there is no next time anymore.

you never knew i was on that bus, but i wonder if you somehow know how i felt for you.