lena.txt

The big 1 and 6 ♡ || Academic victim || Some days I try to find who I am, but most days I don't know why I am #deepinnit

[lestruthstxt]

Like a pixie on acid...

~Lena ☆

[glamorousfamousnotoriouss]

[ghxstttsblog]

[lunarscyphozoa]

straight people act like their breakups are sooo bad “she took my cat!” “he cheated on me with my sister” well did he stab you in the neck three times then blackmail his ex into disintegrating your corpse? thats what i thought. count your blessings, jessica.

[yearningdaughter]

[lestruthstxt]

Gonna acc try to live my life and not just tolerate it

Wish me luck

[lestruthstxt]

I miss loving

Not the romantic, lovey dovey, heart eyes way.

The "omg this book is so good" way

The "wow I had such a lovely day today" way

The "isn't the sky just so pretty?" way

The "you didn't need to do that, but thank you" way

The "no way! That's so cool! I'm so proud of you!" way

The "maybe I kind of enjoy being with myself sometimes. Just a bit" way

Idk

[lestruthstxt]

Ts hits different after an academic crisis

#academiccomeback amiright

[lestruthstxt]

I just found my old playlist from my GCSE period. I fear my MARINA phase may be coming back full swing

[lestruthstxt]

Ts hits different after an academic crisis

#academiccomeback amiright

[noralovesyouu]

i don't care what i have to do, what i have to sacrifice, whether it be my time or my health, i just have to be better.

[two-bees-poetry]

this has to be enough

[sincerelycrescent]

yeah i’m not happy, but my sadness makes me beautiful

[avpdsnail]

shoutout to that underlying sense of unease that’s made a home in my bones

[lestruthstxt]

I should be studying rn but I have this compulsive urge to sort my posts with those cute lil tags idk if ykwim

Like what if my daily check in things (I need to restart those lol) are lesdays.txt or smth like that? My rants lesrants.txt? And then my random shit lestruths.txt? Etc etc. Idk lmao just think it might be nice to reorganise everything, though that would be hella tedious.

Maybe that'll be my post study reward lol

[lestruthstxt]

Ik I did this to myself by picking 4 A-Levels instead of 3 but I'm fucking exhausted and I just don't enjoy life anymore :|

Like genuinely, when did each day become some dull, excruciatingly long trail that I have to tediously crawl on all fours through, just to restart the same torturous cycle again? When did sleep or hobbies or taking a break become a liability? When did studying become something I can barely stay awake for? When did my love for learning die?

Ik I absolutely hated my GCSE period, but I highkey miss it. Back then, I used to have some semblance to life flowing in my bloodstream. I used to sit down and study all of my different subjects for hours, even when I hated trying to understand the motor effect for Physics or writing a code for Computer Science because I felt like I was conquering something when I finally got it right. I think that's how I managed to get better grades than I expected; studying was never an obligation, it wasn't quite "fun," but I still managed to find some inkling of light through it. Studying was something I did without thinking, something that lit a tiny fire in my chest that lit up the cold nights where I had nothing better to do. It gave me a sense of purpose.

And that's really ironic, because looking back, I don't think I would've said the same thing. I remember being almost as tired as I was now, upset that I gave up all my hobbies just to have more time to study. Now I'm back at taekwondo, starting at a new piano school, and picking up the pen and paper. But I still feel miserable. I still feel that bone-deep fatigue and blurry pressure behind my eyes. Because through it all, I feel guilty. I feel scared. Because I'm not studying as nearly as much as I'm "supposed" to. Because my flame is no longer solely my academia, it's been distributed among other things, rendering it weak and feeble.

I'm pretty sure this is probably unhealthy. My obsession over obsessing over studying. And ik I sound so incredibly obnoxious and performative and like I'm trying to make a huge problem out of nothing. I should be happy I'm (trying to be) leading a healthier lifestyle, no longer bent over books, no longer an anxious mess, no longer stuttering when someone asks "do you have any hobbies?". I technically have a life now! I finally have an identity outside of my academia. But for some reason, I still feel guilty and miserable. Like a dying fire, smothered out before it could have even been sparked. Because who am I, if not the girl whose sole purpose is to get good grades?

[dollettias-blog]

Always be a little weider than necessary ♡

[lestruthstxt]

Having mainly mommy issues instead of daddy issues as a teenage girl on tumblr feels wrong