Ryder's Birth 5/6/14
At 37 weeks along, my midwife, Cara Muhlhahn was at our apartment checking on the baby. She noticed his head was engaged and said, “I give him 2 weeks.” I said, “Ok. That is 2 weeks from today. I predict Tuesday, May 6th.” (After Ryder’s birth, Cara and I LOVED reminiscing over how spot on we were with our predictions.)
Also around 37 weeks, I had mapped out my “ideal labor and birth” at our prenatal appointment with our doula, Siobhan Whelan.
This was my perfect birth scenario that I shared with Andy and Siobhan - I would get a full night’s sleep. Wake up at 730a and contractions would begin slow and easy. Andy would throw together my labor-ade (the most wonderfully hydrating drink I’ve ever put to my lips. I chugged this stuff for weeks postpartum) and prep some other loose ends. I’d have a bath. Rhi could watch some shows. We’d go out to breakfast and walk around. Then head to the grocery store to prepare food for the birth team. Then we would return home and Rhiannon and I would bake a chocolate cake to celebrate Ryder’s birth day. Labor would begin to pick up and we would send Rhiannon to play with a friend while Andy and I would walk around the neighborhood and work through contractions. Ryder would be born in the evening after a 12 hour labor. We would really enjoy our last day as a family of 3. Labor would be manageable and allow us to be out and about and would also allow me to putz around like I really wanted to with her birth, but didn’t get to.
On Monday, May 5th, I was taking Rhiannon to her class at the Y and on our way out the door, of our apartment building I felt Ryder shift. All of a sudden I couldn’t walk. I had to walk with my legs far apart and truly felt him drop in that second. I had a bowling ball between my legs! As we walked into the door of the Y, the guard at the desk said, “he dropped!” And I said “YES. He literally just dropped!! I think I’m going into labor!!” I excitedly told my mom friends and the teachers of the class that I felt like labor could happen at any moment. Nancy, the class Psychologist, said I had a glow.
That night, I dreamt of being in labor all night long. I guess I had actually been having light contractions in my sleep but thankfully, I slept right through them. I had been taking unisom and vitamin b6 as a morning sickness remedy since the second trimester of my pregnancy which always brought deep, deep sleep. So I slept deeply and relaxed all night long, despite the labor dreams.
Tuesday, May 6th rolls around and though I got a full night’s sleep, Rhiannon woke up quite early (6:30a.) I was not so happy with her and still cranky despite my great sleep. I may have slammed the bedroom door (oops). She was wide awake and raring to go and mama was roaring. I went to the couch and tried to sleep more. I laid down for about 45 mins alone and then got Rhiannon up at 715. I apologized to her for getting angry about her early wake up. Around 715a, I let her nurse on the couch and literally within 5 minutes, at 720a, contractions began. I wanted to make sure they were coming consistently before waking Andy. But after a round of waves just 2-3 minutes apart, I excitedly woke dada up at 745/8a and told him labor was starting. I said, “dada, I’m in labooooor.” And I’m pretty sure he didn’t believe me because I’d had a few sessions of crampy contractions in the last few weeks. But I knew this was the real thing.
I decided to get in the bath to see if I could ease the pain of the surges. They were already close together and they were not light cramps. They were painful and required focus from the start. From 720-4p they were anywhere from 1.5 minutes to 7 or 8 mins apart but mostly 2.5 minutes apart throughout the day. In the bath, I called Siobhan first. She answered very sleepy around 8a. I told her what was going on and she said keep me updated and that I should call Cara. I called Cara next. During my phone call with each lady I found myself already moaning and needing to breathe through each wave. They were already intense just like with Rhi. Damn, I thought, here we go again with another intense labor right out of the gate. Cara asked how far apart they were and for how long. I said 2-3 mins apart and about 45 secs to 1 min long. She laughed and said well if that’s the case then this is the point when I need to come. But I brushed it off and said no, no let’s see what happens. But I was already beginning to focus. She asked me to call her back in a couple hours and to keep her updated. I relaxed for a bit longer and sang to Ryder “his song” just as I’d done in the bath as labor began with Rhiannon. Her song is “Songbird” by Fleetwood Mac and Ryder’s is “Crystal” by Fleetwood Mac. (These songs have been such a powerful mothering tool for me in my motherhood journey for each kid!!) I could’ve stayed in the bath all day but forced myself out and also took a shower to wash my hair and shave my legs. I got out of the shower and got myself ready. I had no idea what clothes to labor in comfortably so I threw on a long tunic/tank and some funky leggings. I straightened the clutter in the bedroom in case I ended up delivering in there. Something drove me to turn on some music but instead of turning on iTunes Radio or our music library I found that I had DVR’d Arcade Fire’s set from Coachella! The music set the tone for the rest of the day for sure and will always be the soundtrack for Ryder’s beautiful “birth” day. It was mellow, inspiring, beautiful, powerful, and emotional. There were some tears falling for sure and when the set would end I would play it again throughout the day when we were inside.
Andy got Rhiannon breakfast and got her ready. He made a batch of labor-ade. I messed around the apt. Cleaning up clutter, organizing birth supplies. Gathering towels and sheets. Barking orders. Andy also made me breakfast. Some toast with peanut butter. And my daily lemon water. Then, I remembered the day as I had envisioned it. We would go to breakfast, shop for food for the birth team, bake a chocolate cake, etc, etc. We hung out for a bit and dealt with the waves and then decided to go out to brunch. We decided on Ciao For Now. I had NO IDEA how i would actually get out the door and walk there. These surges were powerful. But I was ok between them. And I did it.
We got outside our building and ran into Erin and Elise from across the street. Erin had recently given birth to her 2nd baby and had a text book labor that I envied. It was inspiring and kinda meant to be that we ran into her. Elise and Rhiannon played on the sidewalk for a few minutes and I had 2 strong contractions. I just stood and relaxed and breathed through them. They were intense and only 2 mins apart. The walk to the restaurant was uncomfortable, hazy, intense. I remember cars and people looking kind of blurry and sounds sounding, far off. We get to Ciao on 12th between 1st and A. The distraction from ordering and dealing with Rhiannon made the contractions less intense and much further apart. I remember being very, very emotional. But also very happy. We ordered. Told the server I was in labor and asked him to take a photo of us. Our last picture as a family of 3. Rhiannon had her usual pancakes. Dada had eggs, potatoes, and toast. I had a mimosa and an omelette with spinach and goat cheese and some rosemary potatoes. I wasn’t quite feeling sick but I definitely had to force my breakfast down my throat. It wasn’t easy. I was also in and out of the bathroom quite a bit while there.
We decided to head out and walked on 10th st over to Commodities to do some labor food shopping. We didn’t know how long this could go. Days??? Ha. (Thankfully that was not the case but the way things were going I was already feeling discouraged. Even though we were only a few hours in, I felt that this labor was going nowhere.) We wanted to be prepared with food for me, Andy, and our birth team. Throughout our walks, I sipped my delicious labor-ade - so extremely satisfying and I only wanted that, not water. We get to commodities and grab some veggies, hummus, cold cuts, crackers, cheese, and fruit. The girl at the register recognized I was in labor and had recently had a baby with a 12 hr labor. I told myself that I would never be so lucky. My contractions were intense and mostly close together. But still I felt like labor was going nowhere. (Really in my head the entire labor I was in denial about how quickly this could happen. I didn’t want to give myself false hope. I was setting myself up for the long haul.) Next, we headed toward home and found out some good friends were at the playground. It was about noon by this point. We wanted Rhiannon to play outside for a few before her nap. (I recall that the closer we got to home the more intense and close together my contractions became.) So interesting. It was almost like my body was willing me to return home so I could focus and have this baby!! Rhiannon played on the playground for about 20 mins. I spoke to a few acquaintances as well as Debbie and her mother. Contractions were coming on the playground about 2 minutes apart. According to Debbie, when she saw me out there, she thought to herself, “there is no way she is having that baby today.” So we decided to head home for nap time. Strangely enough, Rhiannon was so tuned in with the birth of her baby brother, she stopped napping 3 days before he was born. I think she was jazzed, excited, and she new it was coming. I had experienced a lot of anger over the no napping those few days but looking back, now I get it. So again, she fought her nap, and my blood started boiling. I was ready for a little alone time. We threw in the towel on the nap and made the call to send her over to Julian’s house to play.
She and Andy headed over there around 2. It was heartbreaking telling her goodbye. I held her and cried and cried. Sad for the change our relationship was soon to endure. A prelude to the fact that I was somewhat aware, but nowhere near prepared for the magnitude of this change and how it would affect me in the coming weeks. I hugged her and held her and she was just so darn happy and excited to go play with Julian. I was also so scared for what the night and even the next few days held. Would I be in labor for days? Would we have to spend our first night away from her?
Once they left, I felt excited for some alone time. I laid on the couch and focused on the sensations and tried to get the nap I was hoping for. Didn’t happen. Andy got back pretty quickly and Cara called to check in on me. We all felt labor was super disorganized, not at all active, and going nowhere. So Cara asked if I’d like to have her come check me. I said absolutely. I was having a ton of back pain with each wave, and after a posterior labor with Rhiannon and horrible back labor, we were all concerned that Ryder had turned and we’d have a repeat. Meanwhile, I was having to breathe through the contractions on hands and knees and Andy’s counter pressure on my lower back was a life saver once he returned. He also had a heating pad that he used for the counter pressure which was heavenly. I can’t remember if it was Cara or Siobhan that suggested the heating pad but it was heavenly. The only way I could manage the sensations at this point was either standing and leaning with figure 8 motions with my hips or on hands and knees with figure 8’s with my hips. Though I thought labor was going nowhere, (denial) it was going!
Cara arrived pretty quickly and we sat and chatted for quite awhile. I was definitely focused on the contractions and unable to talk through them, but I was able to be cheery and talkative in between. Since I was still pretty conversational, Cara did not think I was in active labor yet. But she commented that she was super impressed with my focus. She checked Ryder’s heart rate which was excellent and determined that his position was perfect. My underlying fear about back labor was quickly put to ease. Every time I felt a wave coming on I would say “here comes one” and either Andy or Cara would grab the heating pad as I went on hands and knees or leaned over the couch. I would put my chin to chest and breathe down. I visualized moving the baby down with my exhales and completely relaxing my body. I also tried to focus on my breath. But the chin to chest, mouth open and jaw loose, move was definitely key in how quickly my labor moved. We all had such a great time during this period and we talked a little more. I can’t really recall about what but I remember laughing a lot and having a really nice time hanging out with Cara. We had a real connection and there was a reason we hired her for sure. But we got down to business again and since I was feeling discouraged she offered to check my progress with the promise that she would not share her findings with me. This was the one thing the contributed to the hellish time I had birthing Rhiannon in the hospital without an epidural. I demanded to know how far along I was and boy was that a huge mistake. So Cara checks me and thinking that I am not even active yet finds that I am at 3 cm but stretchy to a 5. Behind my head, she holds up her fingers to Andy in excitement so that she could share the news with him. It was about 330p. Looking back, I realize how Cara’s mood changed. She very excitedly started flitting around the apartment like a little bumble bee making sure everything was in place. The tub was staged, the towels were ready, etc etc. She and Andy were a rockin team! They both helped me through the contractions meanwhile. Also while they made sure everything was in place, I received a video from Debbie with Julian and Rhiannon having the BEST time jumping and screaming with delight in Julian’s crib. I had been worrying about her quite a bit. According to Andy, seeing this video was proof that she was ok and happy and cued the move to totally set off my labor. Suddenly things were heating up! I was so very worried about her well being the whole time and super stressed about where she would sleep. Since she had missed her nap, I wanted to bring her home and have Andy put her to bed at 6p. When she misses her nap, she easily zonks out by 6 o'clock. Anyway, I tried to put that worry in the back of my mind for a bit. We all put our heads together and decided that Andy and I could use some fresh air and alone time. (Cara had instructed us to go ahead and call in Siobhan our doula and to start filling the tub. But my absent minded husband wasn’t listening sigh. He was just focused on me.) But we were having such an awesome time hanging with Cara we were sad to see her go but also knew that we had some work to do alone. We all take the elevator down together and Cara headed off. Little did we know she was downstairs in her car the whole time. Hilarious to us looking back because she lives on 11th and Ave C and us on 18th and Ave C. But she knew how quickly this could go and was ready and waiting. Andy and I head out to the landing over 20th St and circle the soccer field walking and walking. I stop for contractions and slow dance with him doing figure 8’s with my hips, chin to chest and moaning low vocalizations with the contractions. I was still able to talk in between them (we got outside at 4p) but by 430p I could no longer speak at all between the sensations. So we circled the soccer field a few times and then headed down the steps of the Avenue C loop. I wanted to walk all over Stuy town but I had just gotten word that Rhiannon and Julian were headed to the soccer field and I didn’t want to run into them, thinking it would just make me sad again seeing her. Then we walked by the basketball courts and decided after about ½ hour it’s time to head back upstairs and call in our doula.
She arrived at 5p and we met her right outside our door. When we got back inside the apartment I was beginning to get really uncomfortable and felt nauseous. They got a bowl for me to throw up in if needed and some strawberries for nourishment. Although I couldn’t even think of getting anything down. I sipped our homemade labor-ade. I have to admit, I was thrown off a little when our doula arrived because Andy and I were really in the zone (biggest mistake was not bringing her in sooner to help us) but she was super helpful and I got back on track with some things she said. She told me to “focus on breathing the baby down and opening around him.” Super, super helpful and thank goodness for the book she introduced to me a few weeks prior “Mindful Birthing.” I really connected with the mediation in the book. We all realized the floor was no longer working for me and we decided I needed another change of scenery. Siobhan suggested the shower and I said let’s do it! I imagined myself leaning over the birthing ball with the water spray in my back but even with towels under my knees this position quickly became uncomfortable. Siobhan helped me get up and sit on the ball with the spray in my back. Once in the shower, the thoughts in my head were on the verge of spiraling out of control. I kept telling myself that this would not end quickly, and as the feelings intensified to almost unbearable, I repeatedly told myself we were going to be doing this all night long. After a torturous 20 hours with Rhiannon, I really wanted to set myself up for the long haul, leaving no expectation that it would be over soon. Things were getting intense. I was thinking that I couldn’t go on for much longer. (Hello! Transition.) Thankfully, I never vocalized this fear because if I had, we could’ve had a much different outcome.
Now I am fluctuating between being too hot, then too cold. The window was opened, and Siobhan or Andy covered my shoulders with a warm towel. I was completely naked at this point, all modesty out the window. I wanted to ask if I could get in the pool but was in too much pain and focus to get the words out and worried that I wasn’t far enough along. Andy and Siobhan kept switching places. I remember Andy being excellent at holding my forehead during contractions as I leaned forward. The entire labor, every time I felt a wave coming on, I did my magic moves and moaned sounds that came from deep down in my soul. I also released my entire body to the pain and surrendered to it. My labors always begin fast and furious and there’s never much time for easing into anything. But it was so much easier this time at home. I was comfortable. I was surrounded by a loving, supportive team that I was comfortable with. And I felt loved. I was home.
Meanwhile, i remember having a super hard time peeing. So I stood up from the ball and made that happen and just as I had that release I felt pressure in my bottom. I told Siobhan about the pressure but I didn’t think much of it. I felt pressure the entire 20 hours of Rhiannon’s labor so I wasn’t convinced that this meant anything. Siobhan suddenly runs out of the room to call Cara and Andy takes over with his wonderful head holding and breathing with me. While she was out of the room, I came to and Andy and I discussed that he would leave in 5 minutes to go pick up Rhiannon. I needed her home in order to stop worrying about her. Siobhan, however, new exactly what that pressure meant. Andy helped me through a few waves while she was on the phone and the second she came back I was back in a world intensity. Rocking back and forth forcefully and with meaning on the birth ball and breathing down was the only way to get though each wave. And they were one on top of the other. We had stopped timing contractions once Cara arrived to check me earlier, so I don’t recall how they progressed. But I do remember by this point that I wasn’t getting much of a break. I asked if I could pleaaaaase get in the pool now but unfortunately Andy had just begun to fill it up!! Just as I got this news, my water bag broke all over the birthing ball. I remember touching the fluid and being surprised at how slippery it was. Siobhan ran out of the bathroom again to call Cara. Again, I had no idea SROM (spontaneous rupture of membranes) meant this baby was coming! Next contraction, the urge to push was beyond all my control, but I was still in denial that this baby was coming any time soon. We were going to be doing this ALL night, remember? So Cara had arrived (ran upstairs.) Just as my primal, loss of control/giant urge took over my entire being, Cara popped into the room to monitor Ryder’s heart rate. I didn’t ask for a number but I know he was tolerating every moment of labor extremely well. As Cara came in with the doppler I asked, “is he coming Cara?” I was soo happy to see her again. She said, “babe you are about to have your baby in 10 minutes.” I was in disbelief. Seriously, could our labor happen on the day I guessed it would happen? Could it really play out exactly as I’d mapped it out to Siobhan during our prenatal appointment?? It was just wild. Beyond anything I could comprehend.
While Cara was checking his heart, I had flipped to hands and knees. Since I was disappointed about the tub, Siobhan began to fill our bathtub with warm water. Bummer I never got to experience the power of warm water to ease my pain. But oh well! Our baby was coming fast. I don’t remember how long I pushed for but I do know that it couldn’t have been more than 10 minutes. I naturally pushed with each contraction. But I clearly remember, just like with Rhiannon, that pushing for me doesn’t really mean pushing. My body completely takes over and does all the work for me. The sounds coming out of me were that of a wild animal. I mostly sounded like a really loud hyena and I had no control of my voice. It was so intense, Andy had to hold my forehead and push it back from smashing into the faucet. Our bathtub is not big by any means. I said to Cara, “I don’t want to tear.” She instructed me to slow it down and only let my body work with the contractions. Ryder’s head crowning was intense. His cord was around his neck only wrapped once just like Rhiannon’s. But his body slipped out before I knew it. Cara grabbed him and Andy says he came out blue which was a little frightening for Andy since Rhiannon came out so pink and fresh looking. But Cara was quickly clearing his mucous and letting Andy know that he was fine. And of course I asked the obligatory “is he ok??” It took him a second to cry and pink up, but within seconds, she slipped him between my legs and he was in my hands looking up at me. I wanted to have that moment to study and imprint. We studied each other for a few moments before I pulled him to my chest and cried with joy at his beauty. He was perfect. We cuddled in the warm bath while waiting to deliver the placenta. Ryder was covered with a warm wet towel and Siobhan was warming more towels in the oven which nearly caught fire. We all laughed a lot about that. His cord stopped pulsing and Andy cut the cord. I got anxious to get out of the tub (the water was getting cold) and wanted to keep Ryder warm and get comfy so I asked Cara to give a tug on the placenta. It was delivered with no complications. Cara massaged my abdomen to get my uterus contracting. Then Ryder and I had a few minutes alone in the tub while everyone was busy working in other rooms and I took the opportunity to sing to Ryder- his song again. Cara came back into the room mid verse. I usually am far too afraid to sing in front of anyone but I had no fear with this little being on my chest. He was perfect. Cara asked me if I would like to get comfy on the couch or in bed. I thought about it for a moment but decided the couch. I asked Andy to go pick up Rhiannon but they all laughed at me and asked “can someone bring her?” Andy sent a text to Debbie and asked if Rhiannon could be walked home. Debbie brought her immediately. Rhiannon was so cute all suited up in her pj’s and ready to possibly have a first sleep over at Julian’s apartment. On the walk home she said, “the baby is out of mama’s tummy.” I was blown away my entire pregnancy with how in tune she was with the whole experience. That sentence confirmed everything. Siobhan set me up on the couch with chux pads and warm towels for Ryder and a blanket for me. She and Cara warned me that uterine contractions post labor for 2nd time moms suck! And they were right.
Ryder was born at 6:30p. Cara checked my perineum and it was intact. Yay no tearing!! Labor was only super intense for about 2 hours and only unbearable for about 1 hour. Rhiannon was home by 7:15 or 7:30p. I don’t remember much about her first sight of Ryder but I do remember that she was sooo loving and excited to see him with me. She climbed right up on the couch and I let them both nurse at the same time. Ryder was a little sleepy when he came out and not as alert as she had been. He was also a little fussy upon arrival which Andy attributed to gas later that night at 11p. I was thrown off by my fussy, brand new baby because Rhiannon had come out so peacefully. But Andy was right on because Ryder was happy after a nice meconium poop. He latched beautifully from the start.
While we were enjoying our first moments as a family of 4, Siobhan offered to cook something for us to eat. But we decided that ordering burgers was a great way to celebrate. We ordered burgers and fries which pleased Cara who wanted me to tank up on iron. Then we broke out the champagne. Cara said that nobody has champagne at their births anymore!! Not the Sweeneys!!
Siobhan and Cara had the entire apartment cleaned up and spotless within 1 hour of Ryder’s birth. Cara started her paperwork at the kitchen table while we bonded as a family and enjoyed our champagne. We decided we needed a few days to name Ryder so Rhiannon just called him “her baby brother.” While Cara finished up her paperwork, Rhiannon asked if she could swim in the pool (which went unused ha!) Cara said, “someone has to use the pool!!” So she stripped Rhiannon down and let her splash around in the pool. Tiny had the time of her life. Then she and Ryder exchanged birthday presents to celebrate. She’d picked out this cute “boy raccoon” doll for him and a mouse doll for herself by this awesome local company, Hazel Village. The dolls are handmade and wearing the cutest removable outfits and accessories. We all chowed our burgers and I needed to tuck Rhi in and get her to sleep so that Andy and I could have some down time.
I left Ryder with Andy and Siobhan. It was stressful for me to be separated from him. But I needed to let Rhiannon nurse to sleep and have some time with me. It took about 20 mins to a half hour to calm her and get her to sleep. She was excited. I did manage to get her to sleep and returned to the couch to cuddle our precious boy. While Cara finished her paperwork I tried to calm a fussy baby. Turns out he had tummy issues right out of the gate, which we attribute to my dairy consumption. He didn’t poop for 6 days after he came out and was quite uncomfortable with a tummy ache his first few days. It was a tough start for him!!
Siobhan and Cara offered to do our laundry from the birth but we told them not to worry about it, it was just a few towels. So they finished up and left us around 10:30p. It was so sad to say goodbye to them after such a perfect home birth experience. Cara informed me that she also has a hard time moving on, as well. She and I bonded for sure. I just wanted to initiate them into the family and to stay all night and hang out with us. But they had to go. So we all got cozy in bed together by 11:30p and Andy went right to sleep. Rhiannon was in her special bed (her toddler bed side carred to our bed), Andy was next to her, then me, and Ryder slept nestled in my arm pit. I tried sleeping with him on my chest but he seemed to like the side lying position best.
I was way too excited to sleep that night and spent the night texting with friends and gazing at our beautiful home birth pictures. I was so high from his birth, I literally didn’t sleep for 3 or 4 days. By day 4, I was delirious with exhaustion and in a pretty bad place - I was just SO tired and drained emotionally.
I was the happiest I’d ever been in my life but also the most sad. I wish someone had warned me about how intense my sadness would be over the change in my relationship with Rhiannon. She looked like a giant to me. And I missed being able to care for her needs. She handled the transition so beautifully which actually made me even more sad because she just seemed so damn grown up. That was definitely a curve ball. However, I will forever be grateful that she experienced so much of Ryder’s labor and if I could go back and do it again, we would’ve kept her around for the whole birthing experience. Regardless, it was all a dream come true. Literally, a dream come true and such a wonderful experience for mine and Andy’s relationship. I willed our home birth to play out exactly as I had dreamed it would. Except I didn’t know the pain would be so manageable with a simple breathing technique, thoughts of breathing my baby down, breathing around him, a simple shift of my head and jaw, relaxation, a loving husband, a wonderful daughter, a loving and medically trained midwife, and a beautifully spirited doula. Those are the ingredients to an easy birth. Take that Bradley method! (The Bradley Method did not work for me in my first birth!) And the grand finale of our home birth experience…we had know for days that the water in our apartment building would be shut off on Wednesday, May 7th. It was only supposed to be from 9am to 5p but it ended up being 2 days!! Our building also caught fire the night of May 7th from some construction happening downstairs. I truly willed that birth to happen when it did. Had it not and happened one to two days later, we would’ve been screwed! Close call! And that concludes our beautiful, powerful story.