I don’t know if any of my 3 followers are going to read this but i need to put my thoughts somewhere, so here I go.
I’ve been absent from here for a while now, things have been really difficult for me recently, mentally. I spend a huge part of my life trying to run away from things, because it was easier than to face my life and who I really am. When Notre-Dame burned, it was painful for me because I remember sitting in front of it once and thinking that she was still here after all these years, after the wars, she was still here and she was only made of stone and wood and it was really amazing for me to think. So easy to destruct but still standing, I identified myself to it, half unconsciously, because I was still alive after all the things that happened to me. And when it collapsed I was already in a bad place and it was like « the cherry on the cake » you know ? If I couldn’t believe in stones ? In rocks ? Than what’s the point ? My life was a mess on so many levels, I was lying to me about who I was and Notre-Dame burning down felt like I was breaking down, it was the physical representation of how I felt. I know that a lot of other things absolutely worse than just buildings are happening in the word, but this one was so close to me, not geographically, but psychologically, so that’s why I was too emotional and probably stupid. I am really sorry about that, a lot of people were upset. I took a break from here because it wasn’t healthy for me to keep pretending, I was tired, so tired of faking it. I deleted twitter, Tumblr and almost every other social media, I locked myself in my apartment. At some point, people took me out of my nook. Things are a little bit better for me now, because I know who I am, and I am not scared of it anymore. My path isn’t going to be easy, it’s not over yet, but I already did the hardest part I believe, and I am willing to get the help I need.
Most, if not all, of my life was spend in fear not be believed, when I first talked about my sexual abuse, people belittled it, told me that it was not that bad, that I shouldn’t feel the way I felt (a.k.a traumatised). Later, when I came out as a lesbian, people didn’t believed me either. The two most important conversations that I could possibly have during my teenage years were wiped away like spilled water on a glass table. I understood that it was better not to be that way, not to be traumatised and not to be gay. I grew up and I really tried not to be, I slowly began to ignore those parts of myself, but you can’t ignore the gay away, you know ? I was so sad and so alone. It’s pride month, and I am now happy to be who I am, I heard that there’s no other way to be, so be it. Being gay is okay, and who care if they don’t believe you ? There is no such thing as « looking straight ». And if you were traumatised by something, don’t let other people tell you that you shouldn’t, were they here while it happened ? If you are the victim in a story, don’t let people tell you what you should have done, people do what they can with what they have, and some people don’t have a lot of weapons to start with.
Anyway, if I want to be fully who I am, who I want to be, I need to start over everything in my life, it start with small things like clothing, habits and social media, so I am going to go to another blog : vaudevillianpersona if you want to see me here ? My content will be pretty much the same, I hope you’re having a really good day, I love you, take care, stay hydrated and feel free to contact me if you need anything ♥
With love,
Marnie Kellergan
