Always be thankful
One year ago, I felt as if I was at rock bottom. Key word (felt). My life seemed as if it was in disarray. I felt so lonely and lost. I had great friends, incredible siblings and family, but yet, something in me felt empty. I would pray, cry, beg, plea and whine - all the time. I knew I wanted a husband. I wanted my prince charming, the love of my life. I was sick of the bad relationships. Those toxic men, the ones who seemed perfect, but still ended up hurting me. No matter what I did, I would get cheated. Looking back, I knew it was God protecting me. I wish I would have seen it a lot sooner.
As I stated earlier; I was anticipating my husband. My little piece of happiness. I was ready to feel at awe in life. I wanted that all-consuming love from my special person… I remember it was my brothers birthday, we were out to dinner and he had his fiance with him and my second brother had his wife and my sisters had their boyfriends and then there I was….. alone. I felt so much pity for myself, I felt like a total loser. I remember my sister Lynn kept trying to cheer me and and bring me into the conversations but I felt closed off. I didn’t mean to, but I was. I was so wrapped up in my sadness I couldn’t even celebrate my brother. Holiday’s were like this also. I really love Easter- Because I love rabbits, and during Easter I was so depressed. Still fixated on the fact that I am single, childless and alone. We spent Easter at my grandmothers house and I remember having a good time, but in the back of my mind I kept thinking about my special someone. Where is he? Will he ever come? I wish he was here.
As I look back- at that year- of all those years prior- I realize how much time I wasted.
I sit here at my brothers graveside and wish to go back to his birthday. The day I was so miserable, the day I couldn’t put my self aside and celebrate him… I am broken over this. My lack of trust in God caused me to miss out on so much. I always pretended to be thankful and in the moment when in reality, I was constantly living in doubt, I was always living in self pity. I would be at the dinner table on Christmas-and pretend I had faith for better things, when in reality I was always looking at what was missing instead of what was right in front of my face. LOVE. Love was always there. I will always miss my brother. I know I will see you again. My sweet brother…
Looking back, I know God was testing me through the fire. He wanted to see where my heart was at. Sadly, I was selfish. I only cared about myself. I prolonged my blessings by being that way…
It is now a year later; I am dating someone, I am in love and I am trying every day to reconcile my relationships.
God is good.
Please, always be thankful….
-Deanna