Majestics/Euro Team Headcanons based only on my stereotype knowledge of Europe
We don’t talk about where his wealth came from. We just don’t. You will be banished to the death dungeon in the basement. We also don’t talk about where the death dungeon came from. Or grandpa. We don’t talk about grandpa.
Low key a lot of fun when drunk but very picky about beer. Will only drink what he deems to be ‘good’ beer. Gets wasted during Oktoberfest then blackmails his teammates to not post pictures. Does not always work, please don’t google him.
Law abiding. The absolute most unrealistic part of G Rev is the idea of a German not immediately telling officials that a team is cheating. No way. This guy would be up in arms if he saw one of them so much as throwing the recycling in the wrong bin, which should be a crime.
Diet consists almost exclusively of carbs. Worships olive oil almost as much as the Catholic Church. Absolutely does NOT practice what he preaches and is normally speaking to at least four women at one time. He keeps their names and identifying information in a notebook so he doesn’t get them mixed up. Thinks he has way more sex appeal than he actually does. Not a real blond.
Talks like Mario and cannot communicate if his hands are not in motion. Originally used ‘Mamma Mia’ ironically but now can’t stop. Instead of yelling when mad he just starts praying out loud in very angry Italian, teammates are past the point of questioning this.
Only wears speedos to the beach and constantly makes that everyone else’s problem. Will absolutely tan nude, though. Claims he doesn’t need sun screen because he doesn’t burn, he just tans. Told constantly that going to the beach is not the same as bathing, pretends his hygiene is worse than it actually is because he doesn’t wanna admit that he just sweats a lot. Must reapply deodorant every three hours at minimum.
Chain smoker, gives his team no choice other than to deal with it. They tried making him quit once and they all decided that having him stink up the tour bus was better than dealing with Oliver going through withdrawal. He is the reason they drink but at least he has good wine. Fights with Enrique over what country ‘good wine’ comes from.
Speaks English fluently but refuses to use it when with the Americans, that’s if he acknowledges them at all. Makes snarky side comments and acts like he’s just ‘being honest’. Kid just doesn’t fucking stop, only Frenchman in the world to do the OPPOSITE of surrendering, but they still joke that his scarf is just an emergency white flag.
Brags about culinary skills, artistic skills and language skills but cannot pronounce the letter R to save his life. Sometimes says ‘Ooh la la’ but not the way one would expect. Less likely to be used in excitement and more likely to be used because Johnny left his dirty dishes in the sink.
Huge pet peeve of being called Johnathan. John comes from the Bible and isn’t short for anything, it’s just John ya fucks. Also won’t tolerate anyone making fun of his kilt ITS NOT A FUCKING SKIRT, ENRIQUE!
Loves battered haggis. Actually, loves anything battered. Battered and dropped in the deep fat fryer. Teammates absolutely refuse to eat anything this kid cooks or allow him to store anything in the fridge, which is saying a lot because that’s where Oliver keeps the deep fried frog legs and snails. Hisses and runs away at the idea of fruits or vegetables.
It took his team about a year to realize he was speaking English, they still can’t understand a word he says but they pretend they can. Extremely short tempered, especially when mistaken for a Brit. Will absolutely fuck your shit up if you call him British, will feel none of your attacks because he’s too drunk. Team has no idea what his personality is like sober.
