rambling&gambling

[lettersallover]

Fuck

Of course I am scared.

My refuge was always the same.

Away, away, away.

Home is an empty street and a dusky sunrise.

Safety is small town. Its name has never crossed my tongue.

Now when the nightmares come and tell me that one day I will turn to tell you and you will not be there

I remember

away, away, away.

but I want to stay.

and this is how I left home.

[lettersallover]

Take a lover

They say "take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic

I say take a lover who looks at you like maybe you killed their cat and they still stand before you. Still.

I say take a lover who does not carry you all the way, but let's you fall by yourself and get up by yourself but waits for you to catch up.

Take a lover who does not let you forget about being alone.

I do not mean lonely.

Take a lover who reminds you of how you still can do it on your own.

But maybe you don't have to.

Don't take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic,

because remember how you left those who did?

[lettersallover]

My name is a battle cry

Boy, your touch may have softened my flesh

and your breath may have calmed my blood, but Boy

don't think me choosing to lie still beside you means

I can't get up at 4 am and start running the other way.

Boy, I spent half my life roaring without being able to breathe,

dancing in burning shoes and defeating armies with my shaking fists.

People saw the worlds redeeming beauty in me while I took showers in the dark.

Some wanted to die to let me live.

So Boy, don't even dare dreaming about bringing me to my knees.

[lettersallover]

M.esh V

I wanted to run

but I didn't

I knew better

and I think,

I really think

I can do this.

[lettersallover]

M.esh IV

This is the fifth time I hit repeat

listening to "Lovesong".

And I've never been alone with you

but you make me feel 

like I could be clean again.

[lettersallover]

M.esh III

I almost crashed my car 

because I thought I saw you in a Shop

Goddamnit.

[lettersallover]

I think I want to grow up

They say "life makes us grow up"

but I think, it's life's resources that we dig into,

without measure, unprepared

and the hangover, from trying go drink,

inject, smoke and fuck it all

leaves us with a blinding headache.

Blind for miracles our truly youthful minds could feel.

And then we just devour it all again. 

In a desperate attempt to wonder in awe once more.

I think, it works the other way around.

I will lift my 4 year old self up and guide them through the world.

I will say "look, this is traveling alone"

I will say "look, you wanted a dog, here she is, feed her and love her"

I will say "this is beer, drink a lot with your best friend and speak of everything"

I will say "we can't buy Cranberry Juice, the rent is due."

and when the time comes, I will say "look. this is love. this is why kissing all the others only felt quite right."

[lettersallover]

Why you should kiss the girl with the moon lips

1. moon lips come with star eyes. If you kiss them, the stars will shine for only you tonight.

2. hasn't anyone told you the moon tastes like cotton candy and sunny days at the beach?

3. When was the last time you had your favourite ice cream?

4. she can't whisper promises she'll break as long as she's being kissed.

5. she stopped smoking a while ago. Her moon lips carry fresh cold night air.

6. you know you want to

7. do you know who else kisses the moon? Only the sun. Only the sun.

[lettersallover]

M.esh II

M.esh II

You are my thirteenth shot of Tequila

on an empty stomach

Only that I am sober

So that when I hit the floor

I won't have any apologies like

„I didn't know this one would be too much“

„I can't remember“

All of this is such a cliché,

that I would laugh my heart to death

if it weren't busy longing for

your cigarette breath.

I will take this as practise

as a lesson.

Not to distract my brain from connecting with my heart's stupid ways

by fucking whoever comes along.

Though it is no use,

good can come from it.

Like running on a treadmill.

I don't actually get anywhere but maybe,

maybe slimmer legs

will get me you.

[lettersallover]

M.esh

the way you turn the pages of your books makes me think you could never hurt me That's why I want to intertwine my fingers with yours It is as simple as that.

[lettersallover]

Sunday best

on days like this

I sometimes get the urge to

call my parents

and say sorry.

a sorry so big,

it fills all the gaps

I caused.

on days like this

my stomach and

the left side of my chest

are a burning red

on days like this

I want to throw out

every last bit of sin

in my flat

on days like this

I regret not smiling whenever

I should have

and I never want

to kiss again

but then,

they don't answer the phone

my stomach doesn't burn that badly

what is sin again?

don't smile when you don't feel like it

and kiss when you do.

though,

I'm sorry.

[lettersallover]

A.spire

Honey, 

I could devour you 

twice

and I'd not  even be close

to satisfied.

[lettersallover]

B.ashing

13

the number of letters I never sent to you

374

the number of days since we last spoke

14

the average number of thoughts spent on you each day

3

of my favourite songs still remind me of you

I don't question why you lost interest in me

the end is inevitable for each story

and I knew

ours would end that way

I'm not mad at you

for choosing the other options

and hell knows,

the other options couldn't help chosing you

This is your life

and you should take the best you can get

and

I'm not

13

the number of letters I never sent to you

4

words in the last sentence of each of them

„I still miss you“

I still miss you.

[lettersallover]

Swords

The thing with fighting a war against the troops inside yourself is

the war you're fighting against the troops outside of you

doesn't stop

When you come down,

finally being able to catch a clear thought

after putting everything around you on

standby,

on

fake accomplishment,

You almost expect an international holiday

where everyone wraps you in blankets

and gets you your favourite food

because

you made it through

again

But the only reward you ever get

will be

being able to fight the next battle

and maybe,

maybe

catch a friendly face in the masses.

[lettersallover]

D.oldrum

I'm not good at staying

at following through

I played almost every instrument

for about 3 months

I painted passionately

for about 6 months

I loved

for about 35 months

But you should know, when I dream

of following through

I dream of following through with you.

[lettersallover]

A.narchy

A.narchy

You push

I pull

I fall

You rise

Intentions

deeply in disguise

Both our kisses

known to break the

strongest will

both our minds

in it for the kill

leave me be

and I'll come crawling back

Will we ever save

or leave

or go down

with this

astonishing wreck

[lettersallover]

Life Guard

I will 

stand on the cliffs

I will shout directions

for your way out 

of the current

I will 

throw in a lifebelt

But

I won't 

throw in myself 

to try and pull you out

because the last time

I had to face 

the sea's wrath

I could barely drag myself ashore.

Let alone two of me.