written feelings

from the most raw of thoughts to the most ambitious take on poems, and of course, a collection of letters. Unsent. 

[letterssunsent]

I see it, tricks etch in bold.

Familiarity do breed contempt.

Especially for those who do not just hear words, but patterns as well.

[letterssunsent]

The hardest thing to admit.

(credits to the owner of the photo)

[letterssunsent]

You DO NOT assume emotions or thoughts of other people.

YOU DO NOT DWELL ON IT.

Unless it is "directly" communicated to you, it has nothing to do with you.

Do not EVER volunteer to carry it personally.

PUT IT DOWN JESSICA.

- LJ

[letterssunsent]

if you didn't have to work today, what would you do with your life?

if you didn't have to worry about your income, what would you do?

-Mustafa Suleyman

[letterssunsent]

[letterssunsent]

"excuse."

💔

[letterssunsent]

achieve a level of self-awareness so powerful that you become truly unshakeable.

[thedesertdove]

[letterssunsent]

After sending lengthy apology messages to a number of people due to a missed deadline—and getting responses like, "It's okay. Take your time and be patient", "sus okay lang yun" and "Easy ka lang". You get hit by the realization that all this time you have been the only one who kept on beating yourself up to pulp and bits, and that is just so sad.

You, who flip your whole world over, intentionally popping your peace-bubble just to be of service.

You know more than any body else that you haven't slept more than 3 hours a day for the last few months.

That you haven't taken any time to do exercise just to make more time for your output.

That you kept drinking those toxic juices just to keep your eyes open (and your brain damaged by the way).

That you kept dealing with frustrations with equipment malfunctions on your own,

sending you in a spiral of occassional insanity.

And that you've sacrificed a lot of other engagements and side hustles just to deliver this one thing.

That there's literal skin peeling off of your wrist right now because of the non-stop brushing of it with the mouse pad.

Why?

Because it matters to you not to let down this one person who you're truly grateful for, and to fulfill their ONE simple favour.

Because it matters to you that they will be relieved of stress of waiting.

Because it matters to you not to be a disappointment.

Because it matters to you that they be successful with their goals.

And because it matters that they trust you with important tasks again?

At the cost of what?

your physical and mental health?

I bet even they wouldn't sign up for that,

If they knew you'd be like this.

you can do just enough you know, people are still just people. You don't have to go beyond what YOU think is expected of you.

And sometimes, whether you like to admit it or not, the expectation is so low that even the slightest of effort gets applauded.

And honestly, once in a while, that might just be a good thing.

I think.

You've cried enough tears nobody else sees.

You've pounded your chest so hard yet nobody hears.

Let that go.

Let them be.

It doesn't actually help to be validated by others.

But please, for the love of God, please give your heart some gentle pats and repeat to yourself, "it's okay, you've done well, Jessica".

[letterssunsent]

Whatever the fuck happened to tenacity and grit??

[letterssunsent]

[letterssunsent]

It's weird. However high I turn the volume, the music isn't loud enough.

[letterssunsent]

[look-here-too]

well.. it's not their fault that they acquired something that i didn't.

it's not their fault that they possess something that i don't.

and even if they intentionally do show it off,

it doesn't make it their problem that i'm so affected by it.

consider yourself lucky,

and be grateful if you have the energy

to stand up to that evil thought inside your brain.

not everyone is able to.

you don't have to be nice.

it is enough that you know

you can still stop yourself from being mean.

they will never understand how hard you're trying to. but still,

do yourself a favor,

everytime.

[letterssunsent]

[letterssunsent]

Here goes the fuckening.

So many reasons to feel jealous.

Likeability.

Competency.

Beauty.

Character.

Shaking my core so badly.

Does this mean i don't have value?

that i'm worthless?

maybe to them,

but not to yourself Jessica.

Sit with it, don't sit with it.

Whatever.

You'll always be your own protector.

So, go and do what relieves that ache.

They will never get close to understanding it anyway.

(fuckening = insecurity)

[look-here-too]

i've only ever had two dreams i can never seem to forget.

the first one was way back when i was probably 6 or 7.

and the other one looks something like this.

it was a house just like the weasly's.

it was high and narrow,

and turns out to be ours.

as far as i can remember, i think it has 3 floors.

i was on the first one.

my grandfather was on the second.

my father, sister, stepmom and brothers were all on the third.

i remember it was narrow and there were no stairs nor ladder to climb up to.

i don't know how,

but i managed to make it to the upper floors,

maybe i scaled the building, i don't know.

well, i only wanted to go on the third floor, which i did.

but for some strange reason,

they just don't see me.

my family just don't see me.

i was yelling, crying my guts out to get their attention,

but nothing happens.

so i just went back down on the first floor, crying.

and then i woke up, crying.

[letterssunsent]

and again, I am crying.