thoughts of me

This is a way to release any form of emotion, thought i have. if you feel the same, then you are not alone.

[letterstomyselfandme]

Turning 30

I'm 4 days away to turning 30. Thinking about it it feels surreal that I am at that point. From everyone this age feels like new beginnings and for it to be 4 days in I feel tears coming to my eyes am I ready? or am I just overstimulated because I am in a very loud cafe and I'm over it. Can't say which it true maybe its a bit of both. One think is for sure, on my birthday I just want to be with myself and only do what I want to do. To less go of thinking of what others want or want for me. Again, I feel so grateful for there love and support no words or action can describe it and I say this with the the most humble heart.

I think I need some major TLC, some quality alone time (not disturb, not distracted) and it starts now. I want to put that intention to pour myself that white love the kind of love that heals, the one that feels safe even in the unknown, a love that is sold, full and present. I need that. In these 4 days, I want to just think of me, my needs, and set the tone of what is to come.

I am confident in who I am.

I am confident in my abilities to get a job.

I am confident that people who surrounds me want to see me win and succussed.

I am confident that I will be abundant. I am not scared I am ready, God point me to you Light. I know to get there I need to get out of my shell and God is here as my guide.

Clean my heart of fear and doubt - I am ready for the next step to my 30s.

I want to be close to my mom and continue to shower me in Your patience. Papa be with me always, I always appreciate feeling your presence.

I am ready.

[letterstomyselfandme]

I'm pulled right back in...

Why is asking for space sounds like the wrong answer. I want to just run away not do school if this is gonna loom the whole time...

I wish I can just run away and stop seeing everyone for a bit to regain peace and energy. Why are you so good in taking my energy I don't want to think about you yet you are everywhere the voices of our others friends who are suffering too. They now feel unbearable everything that is tied to you feels unbearable. Why do I feel guilty to let you go... you have a good way of changing people's hearts and I'm done having you doing it to me. I know I'm not forced to talk you to but why does it feel like I do. Again, I don't think we can ever get back to normal and if that means losing all the friends I made this past year then so be it.

Everything feels so tainted... I just want to leave.

[letterstomyselfandme]

I'm done trying

this letter is for you. I'm done trying. I don't want to be your friend and I don't want to fake it for the sake of the friend group anymore. I'm done. I don't know how it will be come Tuesday, but everything has change ever since you dropped that message. I'm not sure what your goal is since you are not looking for a reply.. and that how most of our conversation has been. I don't know how to approach you. I feel so unstable, confuse, lost, annoyed, helpless, and I need to walk on eggshells. And that's how I feel right now.

No holding back. I felt blindsided, hurt, and misunderstood. I'm blindsided by your massage I feel stupid to believe that our conversation made impact on you to be better for yourself. I believed we were good. I expected too much and that was me to blame. It's hard to be honest with you when I don't like can be around you. I feel like i need to walk on eggshells and even now I feel a slight guilt for expressing how I feel since you're going through something really hard. So, how can I be honestly with all those factors. I'm not looking for a fight because I'm done you crossed several lines and this was your big one. I always gave you grace, in the end of the day I experience my own grief.

After reading your message the initial feeling that comes to mind is blindside, hurt and sad. I appreciate you being honest now and I can’t help feeling blindside because I had a feeling you knew you were draining yet you didn’t communicated at the time. I’m not asking you to explain yourself the reason those’d are personal for you to share. All I ask was for you to be honest in the moment. After our conversation in January I was hopeful that you would be more honest to yourself and are able to be in the present and I did see that light of your that I know is in you. As time passed, the patterns of lies start creeping in and you mentioned it, so I see that you were and are aware. In those moments, I wanted to reach out and be honest but I held back because I didn’t want to cause more pain. Now I feel that I can, I honestly felt that it was hard to support you because I somehow would doubt you and I hate that I do. I can’t help it when those patterns of lies started back. In my heart, I know that probably wasn’t your intention, you reverted back to what was comfortable and safe. It’s hard to break patterns and I probably expected too much and that you would break it. I’m sorry I couldn’t be honest then and maybe that’s what you needed hear.

I felt hurt and misunderstood and I'm maybe never gonna be understood by you. For my our peace, I'm letting you go. I'm tried of explaining myself it's clear to me that you see me as a problem and you say that you love me and care of me I don't see it. I'm not asking much of you either, it's just really hard to be around someone that so hot and cold and I hope you see this as a sign to better yourself. I'm learning to not be so open with my heart and to trust my gut feeling and to walk away back in January. My goes for you and more than you know but I can't be there anymore I'm done. I chose peace and I hope you find yours.

Pls leave me alone.

[letterstomyselfandme]

Always choosing love even when it hurts

I just read the last entry I wrote and tell me why I'm still here. I'm still analyzing our text and your body language trying to prove myself that I did in fact "ruin" our dynamic. Yes, I cried again last night on how it still feels awkward between us I can't tell since it was on facetime, but our energy wasn't light nor goofy -- and I miss that. I'm here trying to put myself down in the hope that all gets back when we were good. But that's not helping any of us and most certainly me.

I did a somatic session and hopes that I find the truth and every time you were there. As if telling me to stop with the noise and to just be with you any where and any time; we would be by the beach on the water floating hand in hand, in my love elixir hand-in-hand, and in a warm embrace where you welcomed me in my fire state (you weren't scared you welcomed me as I am). I LOVE YOU I hope you feel me right now.

However, why do I do this to myself?? Why do I cry at the slight changes?? When the truth shows the opposite of all the "clues" I think points to you not loving me... I want to know what I need to do for myself? is it to be by myself, live my life knowing and trusting the truth even if my mind when to think otherwise?? Why does that do that in the first place?? My heart please find peace within watching the beach feels nice?? Or maybe the question is how in my heart is calling through this pain? I feel another somatic session coming up...

[letterstomyselfandme]

hopefully I stop crying

First in for most I love you and I'm genuinely grateful for you.

I'm going to say what I think is partially why I've been crying the whole time. I want to be around you and I was very hyper-sensitive to the way you moved around me and somewhat seeing it in a negative way -- often thinking that I was too much. It started off when you were dropping me to my place just to drop then stayed to nap and when it came to nap you put the laptop in between us and that made me feel pushed away but you caught my feeling and reached out for my hands and when you started drifting to sleep I took it as you were leaving me. Why did I feel this way in the first place? What was I really looking for here? When right that I felt the tears welling up at that scene.. again what was I looking for here? Was it really his moves? What in me that was thinking that he didn't want me around? When looking back he was always there.

From then that set the tone of the whole weekend in a way. My energy was so fragile that I didn't protected it in fact I was very vulnerable to a person that wasn't conscious of my openess to get hurt (by the smallest things). Why?

I want to talk to him energically yet I don't want to bother him -- so maybe I shouldn't try right now. but to focus on inwards to me. I'm afraid that I ruined our dynamic, im looking for my gut for reassurance... he said no, and that he was worried for me and confused to why you were not feeling better. He knows it's not him. Wants me to know that he is still here. okay

Let's go inwards. I want to connect to me please. please let me in. I want us to get better for us. Please if I try to connect will you be open. in gonna come in with love and openess and listen. No distractions.

[letterstomyselfandme]

Just hear me out

Maybe you already feel me energetically, and I hope you do. Again, these string of coincidence made me feel this way. So just hear me out. I feel upset that I'm a plan D for desperate and what made me feel that was your line saying "can we confirm the time the week of bc I don't know my schedule yet?"

Now, how does that sound to you? And before that you were only free June 20th? Basically a month away, that so happened to be so close to my birthday? Do you see the coincidences? Like how do you not know your schedule then yet that was the only date you gave me for a call? So, yes I'm upset. I get that you want to put all your focus on your project. Fair enough, maybe you should have left it at that bc this sentence: "can we confirm the time the week of bc I don't know my schedule yet?" Sounds like yes you are focusing on your project, but then what is the point of giving out a date to call when that's what you're focusing on?

I think I would feel less of a plan D, if you just left it as I'm focusing on my project I'm not sure when to have a call. And emphasis that if I were to have a birthday that you were most likely not available.

So, I wonder if you still have some resentment towards me which again is fair (you're also a taurus). And by that action, don't be shock/ play the victim that I feel upset by your actions naturally.

The truth is I do miss you and that I would like to hangout -- it just sucks that when your bday comes around your energy to me feels guarded and I can't reach you.

[letterstomyselfandme]

I was duped

looking at the latest post well this feeling of blindsided just hit me again.

Public announcement: do your research before accepting any positions and read the contract.

I was duped. I was working as an employee but was masked as a contractor/ self-employed. What that means, I would need to pay the studio's tax to work a part-time job. Getting that reality check from my accountant was not on my bingo card, and I felt so used. the cherry on top was I knew my boss as a friend first and we bonded over the fact that our old boss (the place were we met) was a snake and seeing this now she is one of them.

Another public announcement: Any business owner/ anyone in business are NOT to be trusted. They are only thing of keeping the business a float.

So it sucks cus i would want to express how this actually made me feel as a friend. As a friend i felt played, as a friend i was no longer a friend, i was just an employee a self-employed worker? like that doesn't make any sense like how could they have get away with all this... I felt mistreated, naive and just sad. I saw her as a friend. The more time I spend with her I saw the snack energy in her and how she use the psychology her learned to get people to feel heard, understand went its all just a trap she is not actually being real. I should have left then.

Part of me knows I'm gonna be okay and I'm gonna make my bread and it will be in interior design.

*A mini tangent: I'm not as close to you anymore and i felt the distance and it hurts and it's okay. in all this that was going in my head I didn't feel supported/ opened to talk you about this, as if you didn't care. that's okay but in that moment I didn't want to be there cus then what are we hanging out for? And when saying goodbye i hope you felt your own fakeness being said towards me because I'm okay only seeing you in group setting and the conversation not being deep anymore.

[letterstomyselfandme]

Blindsided

I'm so annoyed right now. My peace was so disrupted by your stompping and that fact that you were so chill to do so i SOOOOO ANNYOED!!!!!

I hate the fact that I need to sTOP all that I'm doing cus of you WHY DID YOU CALL HER AND TOLD HER THAT I WAS GOING TO PICK YOU UPPPPP??????? AND WHY THE HELL DID I FOUND THAT OUT FROM HER CALLING MEEEEEEE?????? YOU SAW ME I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF DOING HOMEWORK AND HERE IM NEEDEED TO STOP ALL THAT CUS YOU CALLED HER TO TELL HER THAT I WILL BE PICKING HER UPPPPP[P[????//?//

YOU MAKE NO SENSE!!!! WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME???? I ALREADY WAS NOT HAVING A GOOD MORNING FROM ALL OF YOUR NOISE AND HERE YOU GOT AGAIN CHERRY ON TOP THAT I NEED TO GO AND PICK HER UP AND HOW CAN I SAY NO NOWWWWWWWW ILL LOOK LIKE A HUGE DICK IF I SAID NO???? ARE YOU DUMB??? DOD YOU REALLY THINK I'M DUMB???? YOU PUSHED ME INTO A CORNER A CORNER THAT YOU WANT ME TO BE????

SO WHY ARE YOU SURPRISE THAT I WOULD BE MAD AT YOU???? THIS IS SOO ANNYOING GGGGGGG I GUESS TO CUS I DIDN'T GET TO PLAN MY DAY HELLL NOOOOOO FUCKING ANNOYINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

URGHGGHGHGHGHGHTGHGHTGHGHGHHGHGHHG

[letterstomyselfandme]

Letter to M

I sat with what we said in our FaceTime call. I'm honouring myself. This time I'm telling you that I had enough I was too generous that I ended up hurting myself. I want to you grow for yourself, at your own pace, and I see that light in you. However, I can't be the one to teach you because it drains my light. I have grown so much to the point that our friendship has changed. This isn't about the pollution. I simply grew out of our friendship.

I was attached to our long history of memories that no longer reflexes our reality. I'm surrendering to change and my growth. I hope the same for you.

Where does this leads me, I care and love you so much and I love and care myself too. I want to honour that with space. I would need space -- space to nurture and ground myself. To protect my yellow.

💛

[letterstomyselfandme]

Showing myself love

I didn't think I would get to this point with one of my longest friend but here I am. Today is a good day to talk -- about our friendship and the way I've been feeling about it.

My points:

I feel awkward -- I feel like I have things to say but it doesn't come up and I just bring out topics that you like talking about.

this awkward feeling is also from all that went down in our friend group. I know we talked about it and that you have your reasons. I have my reasons too. For me I saw all four of us as equal and that after all these year our friendship in our gang is secured (mutual res

I felt uncomfortable -- looking back at the time when you told me that you didn't break up but that you rather be a clown then a fool I didn't know how to answer you. I felt really disappointed and I felt like I wasted my time giving a free therapy session. I don't want to hear it anymore and that makes me not want to talk too.

I want to bring back that boundary we set early on where you weren't gonna talk about your relationship to me since I'm friends with Raven. I felt like I know too much and it's making me uncomfortable.

[letterstomyselfandme]

I'm the bad guy too

the person on that high horse is also human. What I said hurt you and I'm sorry. I was coming from a place of injustice too. I was ready to fight for it. In the process I hurt you.

That makes me feel sad and uncomfortable that I could be the bad guy too. I'm glad we talked about it I'm you felt safe to tell me and I'm glad I was there to fully listen.

[letterstomyselfandme]

Fire

you are disgusting -- you fake as ballon no substance just fucking air. You aint fucking scary you are truly disgusting. I HATE YOUUUU AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

DISGUSTING IS WHO YOU AREEEEE

[letterstomyselfandme]

you and your high horse

I just finished my session and I was angry. I saw me wanting to punch you in the face. I wanted to knock out that nasty ego of your's and bring you back down to earth. The way to treated V that way so cold, disgusting like who are you to be this entitled? She needed your help, and you were too good to do that?? I understand why to acted that way, but even then it didn't why with me because you kept it all to yourself. How would she know you didn't like if you don't tell her in that moment. That again shows your cowardliness and pride. yuck. it was weird seeing you so egotistic like the world owes you a favour because you were hurting alone, like wtf??? You triggered me because instead of looking at yourself like maybe you're the problem to project it to the outside world and you just build that shell of your's to protect yourself before anything happens in fact you are protecting yourself from what you bring out in others -- very ironic.

The injustice I felt was more then enough to punch you. But, I chose openness. I choose forgiveness. I hope you do grow out of your ways, I hope I accept you in your ways, I hope I communicate how I feel. I want to be open. I want to be honest. I want to stay me in this friendship. I want to continue to grow in myself. I hope you share that same feelings. I hope you feel open. I hope you feel forgiveness. I hope you fell loved.

[letterstomyselfandme]

Kiss me

through reading my last note, I can see that I can't control you and that is 1. annoying 2. disappointing. Today was such a fun day, but how we said bye left a sour taste. I'm disappointed because I thought today I'll get a kiss, and by the way I'm feeling it didn't happened.

I don't know what to do - when it comes to this. Is dropping it altogether or talking about it or both. I feel like I keep waiting and wanting to kiss him and even more for him to want to kiss me and hearing "next time" "soon" feeds my belief system in a way because when I hear that I feel rejected. The story does that I'm not good enough, I question if he really loves me. That would make me feel insecure and sad.

Bring myself compassion ~ I'm beautiful. I'm confident. I'm know what I bring to the table. I know who I am. I'm proud of myself for trying every time I do because I know it's triggering ans yet I still ask and try because in the end I want to kiss and be kissed. He is my boyfriend I say it normal to want to kiss him. I'm beautiful. I'm confident. I will continue to try and maybe go deeper. I'm glad I try.

[letterstomyselfandme]

Saying no is okay

annoyed. I felt it right now. I want your attention and need some reassurance.

After telling you about the friendsgiving I don't know why I would think you would say yes. Truly, a part of me had a feeling you would say no and you did. But I guess what's annoying if the fact that I though I can change your mind. Now, I feel annoyed and anything that you do or not do make me feel annoyed.

Honestly, I want to see you. I know I will not feel this once I feel your presence and when we hug. But we aren't seeing each other this week like we can't. So that adds to my annoyance too.

What I need is to just be with me and be not on my phone.

[letterstomyselfandme]

smoll hangout

After our hangout, I feel a bit blue. I think cause it's short and the fact that I had to tell you to say the words we are both feeling and also our convos started slow. I think I was expecting something else with the feeling of missing you a lot and being around you. I know you love me I just wished we spent more time.

[letterstomyselfandme]

chose your battles 

I don't understand, I want my mom to speak up yet she has a very hard time when she does and I want her to continue to speak up and yet she always gets me upset. I hate that my mom's level of worry highly sky rocked and now that is what's consuming her it's so annoying. I just hate that .