let us be bitter

A & L

[letusbebitter]

i used to bring you flowers /once delicate now grow forever in my garden / wild and untamed / i tend to them with precision / each move purposeful yet tender / the same way i touched you / i held you / i loved you /

we used to move together / our steps intertwined as one / i wished only to grow with you / endlessly and free / but instead i grow alone / and think of you between the leaves.

[letusbebitter]

it’s 2016, and your apartment is the only safe place i have ever known and that’s is not a compliment // it means you are indifferent towards me and that is as close to love as i have ever felt.

[letusbebitter]

my demons love to visit from time to time

[letusbebitter]

i’m still bitter.

[letusbebitter]

Consume

i spent so much of my childhood / waiting / waiting for things to slow down / to stop /

for the quiet / wanted the quiet so badly i became it

i still haven’t found peace / still i wait.

[letusbebitter]

Unseen

////

i have grown up alone / with this untamed emptiness / a silence that has always been there / filling it to no avail / still searching.

////

in the way that solitude / has never offered me peace / or quenched my longing / neither has the voice of another.

////

don’t move too much / don’t speak too loudly / no one is sure of you yet / please just meld into the wallpaper / and wait to be desired.

////

[letusbebitter]

coffee and toast

most days start the same

trying to find the beauty

in a life alone.

[letusbebitter]

A List of Facts I Can’t Say Out Loud

Most days i can’t think straight / stuck in a perpetual time loop of what could have happened / versus what did / i miss you already.

i think we’re meant to be together / but we’re better apart.

i don’t know how to reconcile that anymore.

[letusbebitter]

i’m still angry.

[letusbebitter]

old sketch / new words / same feelings.

[letusbebitter]

i can never figure out what i want in time

[letusbebitter]

old feelings

i’m just saying when you touch me, i feel you thinking about someone else. i feel her too. i love her too.

i don’t think any of this should have hurt this much, but it does. i think we should have shattered by now. dropped this delicate mess on the kitchen floor and watch the glass break into beautiful fragments.

i don’t think i should pick up these pieces again.

[letusbebitter]

Halo

in june i board a plane, pack up my tarnished heart and desire to run / leave the town where you first touched me / for a city sparkling with crisp air and fresh feelings / exhale you out of my lungs / sleep in unfamiliar beds / memorize new streets / but in between cobble roads and the sound of each footstep / i feel you still.

i am left wondering how different it would all look / if it was still emblazoned with your golden haze.

[letusbebitter]

Adult love looks so different than i thought it would.

[letusbebitter]

on the long drive home the sun starts to set

i look ahead into the darkness,

a golden haze illuminatates around me

like a halo of attrition,

a shield of redemption.

i have forgotten what it feels like

to move through the world purposefully.

[letusbebitter]

if we met when we were older

time

touched you

with tender hands

///

time

left me

outside to die

///

time

moved us

apart, never forgotten.

[letusbebitter]

Beautiful Destruction

i think i was built wrong

think they added too much

or maybe not enough

think something went wrong

with my wiring

think they gave me a self-destruct button

i shouldn’t have

it works every time

though it doesn’t hurt anymore.

/

but it used to.

/

i think i need maintenance

someone come fix me

i need to be fixed

who will hold me until i’m healed again?

who will hold me if i can’t be healed again?