Pack your bags

Hi! My name is Ewa, Warsaw, Poland. STEREK is life even though TW pretty much started to suck

[darkverrmin]

Geralt: *arguing heatedly with Jaskier about something*

Jaskier: Wait. Have you seen my glasses?

Geralt: *blinking* Your glasses?

Jaskier: Yes, Geralt. The little metal thingies that help me fucking see, I wear them sometimes.

Geralt: *digging through their packs* Here.

Jaskier: *taking the glasses from Geralt and putting them on* Thanks, dear. Alas, it didn't help.

Geralt: What?

Jaskier: I still can't see your fucking point.

[dandelions-songs]

#not pictured: geralt tackling jaskier into a lake tag via @darkverrmin​

[jaskier-cult]

AHEKALDLAHAHAJWKAKSJ

when i tell you i lost my shit

[darkverrmin]

[darkverrmin]

Jaskier: I've met Lambert on my way here. First time I saw him in person. He's quite adorable.

Geralt: *snorts* Don’t call him that to his face. He'll kill you.

Jaskier: Actually, I did. He didn’t seem to mind.

Geralt: Bullshit.

***during the winter***

Lambert: Oh, I've met Geralt’s bard, Jaskier. He called me adorable (✿◠‿◠)

Geralt: *grunting* He calls everyone that.

Lambert: Not you, apparently (◡‿◡✿)

***springtime***

Jaskier: Hey Geralt, can you pass me the-

Geralt: We've been together for almost a year now, known each other for a lot more. Why do you call Lambert adorable, not that I care, but-

[jaskier-cult]

i love to headcanon Lambert being averse to touch, doesn't like to share, and will try to shank you if you so much as look in his room without his permission

but then along comes Jaskier

and Lambert let's Jaskier eat food off his plate. he let's Jaskier lay on him and share touch. he let's Jaskier hang out in his room, sleep in his bed when it gets cold (and sometimes more than that). he let's Jaskier boss him around and doesn't get angry

and the other witchers are just watching this with a mix of horror and confusion

Lambert never shares.

but he shares with the bard

[greyduckgreygoose]

Fluff for angst 5) A catches B talking to their sworn enemy, with,,,,, I do not know. I’ll just go with Geraskier

"Geralt!" Jaskier stomped across the room, puffing out his chest as he stepped brusquely between Valdo and Geralt. "Do you even know who you’re talking to?" 

"I'm sure you're about to tell me," Geralt said, amused.

"Julian, how nice of you to join us," Valdo said, as oily as ever. "Geralt and I were just getting friendly-"

"Friendly?" Jaskier asked with quiet threat. "Friendly? You're about a decade too early to be friendly with my Witcher. What, stealing songs wasn't enough, so you're looking to steal my muse, too?" 

Jaskier's outburst was drawing attention, patrons of the tavern turning to stare. Valdo's face settled into a disgruntled flush before he swirled away, his back stiff as he exited the room.

Jaskier felt a beat of triumph before turning around and bumping into Geralt's chest. 

"Your Witcher?" Geralt asked, his head inclined.

"Well ... yes," Jaskier said, suddenly flustered. "Among bards, you understand. I am your barker, after all, which I suppose isn't any sort of official title insofar as one I created for myself, but unless you're thinking of replacing me with Valdo ..." he narrowed his eyes suspiciously at Geralt. "You aren't thinking of replacing me with Valdo, are you? Priscilla, I'd understand, but Valdo?"

"Hmm," Geralt said, and Jaskier shoved him on the shoulder, flushing. Geralt, of course, did not move at all. 

"What were you two even talking about?” 

"He was asking me about the drake hunt in Brenna," Geralt said, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Brenna?” Jaskier cocked his head. “That was a Korrigan. Drakes have never populated lowlands.” 

“Hmm,” Geralt glanced away, his mouth pulling into a half-smile.

“You magnificent bastard,” Jaskier breathed. “Did you feed Valdo a fake story just so he’ll embarrass himself when he tries to write a ballad about it?” 

Geralt shrugged his shoulders innocently and Jaskier burst into laughter.

“I apologize for sorely underestimating you, my friend,” Jaskier said, fondness rising warm in his chest. “Let me buy you an ale.” 

"I’ll allow it," Geralt said, following Jaskier to the bar. "Since I am your Witcher and all."

The purr of that last line hit Jaskier just below the navel. Geralt was joking, of course, he had to be. But nonetheless ... those words? In Geralt’s voice?

Jaskier glanced at Geralt, feeling flushed. Maybe he had Valdo to thank for something after all.

[srapsodia]

Do you ever feel overwhelmed by how much you love someone

[filmouts]

Dylan O’Brien as Heinrich Treadway on the trailer of Infinite (2021)

[darkverrmin]

"Fuck, this is horrible".

Geralt raised his head from his spot on the bed, where he was rearranging his bag. Jaskier was standing in front of a mirror by the window, examining his hair.

"I can't believe this" the bard muttered again, to himself.

Geralt stared at him, knitting his eyebrows. "What, Jaskier?"

The bard pouted at his reflection and Geralt resisted the urge to laugh. "I'm getting old".

Geralt got up from the bed with a heavy sigh. He walked up to Jaskier, standing behind him and encircling the bard's waist. Geralt placed his chin on Jaskier shoulder and spoke to his reflection. "What now?"

Jaskier ran a hand through his hair. "I found a white hair, Geralt".

"Such a disaster having white hair, isn't it?" Geralt mumbled softly, kissing Jaskier behind the ear.

"Oh shut up, you ridiculously gorgeous himbo" Jaskier kicked his leg lightly and Geralt laughed into his neck. "White hair means I'm getting old, Geralt. And being old means no longer beautiful".

"First, allow me to disagree. I'll always think of you as handsome and irritatingly charming".

"Oh, sto- Go on".

Geralt rolled his eyes fondly and placed his chin back on Jaskier's shoulder. He rubbed Jaskier's stomach in soothing circles, staring at their reflections. "Besides" the Witcher finally spoke "You look exactly the same as the first day I met you". The Witcher knitted his eyebrows in thought, as soon as he realized that fact.

Jaskier rolled his eyes, chuckling. "Now you're just lying".

Geralt blinked at him. "I'm not. Jaskier, how old are you?"

Jaskier raised his eyes to the ceiling, mumbling something under his breath. Geralt was slightly shocked that the bard didn't remember his own age.

"...fifty-nine, I think. Or fifty-eight? I don't know. We've been traveling for about forty years and I met you when I was eighteen. So yeah, probably fifty-eight".

Geralt gaped at the mirror. "Jaskier. You don't look like you're sixty".

"Hey! I'm fifty eigh-"

"Jaskier, you look barely twenty-something. I've seen humans aged sixty, they don't look like this".

Jaskier shrugged with a smug smile. "Guess I got my mother's genes".

"No" Geralt muttered. "Something's wrong. We need to talk to Yennefer".

****

Geralt: ...You did what, again?

Yennefer, rolling her eyes: I gave him an aging slowing process potion. I think it was- about thirty years ago? About the time when I realized that you have feelings for him.

Geralt: Okay, but why?

Yennefer, shrugging: He's a human. Their lives are short. Didn't want you to be sad over his death.

Geralt: That's... Really nice of you, Yen. Thank you.

Yennefer: Sorry I didn't tell you. It's okay if you don't want to get Jaskier involved with magic.

Geralt: Actually, do you have more of those potions?

**fifty years later**

Jaskier: Geralt... Remember our talk about me not aging?

Geralt, watching Jaskier sip the tea he mixed with Yennefer's potion earlier: no

[geraskiertrash]

Broke: Geralt doesn’t notice Jaskier aging

Woke: Yennefer doesn’t notice Jaskier aging

Bespoke: Jaskier doesn’t notice Jaskier aging

[catchymemes]

[slowboren-deactivated20210605]

[rainierest]

Completely ignoring canon. The hale pack 2.0 is thriving. Derek is alpha and stiles is emissary. The betas are accomplishing their dreams; the pack worked together to find boyd sister, who was caught in the cross fire of a hunter conspiracy, and now calls her everyday and eats dinner with her every Saturday. He’s married to Erica, who is a deputy at the sheriffs station. Isaac was adopted by Derek and they both went to college and got degrees; Isaac became a elementary school teacher, and gets to make a difference in kids lives. Derek is is a part time fireman, but most of his time is spent being alpha and maintaining peace in beacon hills. He’s also kind of a house husband to stiles, a successful FBI agent. Scott, as a beta, gets to live with the supernatural as a minimal part of his life, just like he wanted. He’s a successful vet and is married to Allison, who spends her time reforming the hunter system. Lydia is a teacher at MIT, but still videochats with her packmembers every week. Jackson returned to beacon hills after college and has become a strong part of the hale pack; he’s ericas partner at the beacon hills police department, and he’s finally letting people behind his walls. The hale pack has dinner together every Sunday. They fight monsters together when they come into town, they have it down to a system. They love each other, they are a family, and the dead hales get to rest easy knowing that their son succeeded, and they’re pack is healed.

[wheredidhiseyebrowsgo]

It was a Sterek fic where Stiles and Derek are betrothed but they don't know it's each other they are promised to. They meet where Stiles works and is treated horribly when Derek returns to Beacon Hills. Derek tells the Sheriff he isn't going to marry his son because he wants to be with Stiles and he doesn't realize they are the same person. It follows them through them getting mated where the ritual gives them and their pack, incl. Peter, the ability to hear each other's thoughts?

Hi anon. @anowlnamedpig and @iwishsherlockisatimelord and @pink-raspberries found this one!

His Abandoned Omega by xcaellachx

(12/12 I 40,491 I Explicit I Sterek)

Stiles Stilinski is an omega who was promised to an unknown alpha in a much-anticipated and influential arranged mating. When his alpha never showed, his family and the town took it out on Stiles in the form of physical and mental abuse. He has become a shadow of himself, lonely and desperate for affection.

Derek Hale refused to let himself be trapped in an arranged mating so after college he never returned home. Now he must return to Beacon Hills because his father is ill, though he has a feeling it is nothing more than a trap.

One chance meeting changes both of their lives and Derek is determined to end his arranged mating so he can claim the omega of his dreams with the gorgeous whiskey eyes. Stiles is filled with hope for the first time in years, but he has sworn to save himself for his arranged alpha. Will Derek be able to change his mind or will the town beat Stiles down before he can?

[ghostinthelibrarywrites]

Banter fic prompts! #14. “who does this belong to?” (please and thank-you!)

P.S. Love your writing, never stop.

“Are you the witchers?”

Geralt, Lambert, and Eskel have barely stopped inside the tavern when they’re stopped at the door by the no-nonsense barmaid. 

“Yes,” Geralt says cautiously.

“Good.” She jerks her thumb over her shoulder. “Now, who does this belong to?”

The three witchers look up to see Jaskier being led towards them by two harried-looking men. Jaskier has a black eye, a split lip, and a frenzied look in his eye. On the other side of the tavern, a man is moaning on the ground while another is leaning against the wall, clutching his face.

“Oh, for the love of fuck,” Lambert grumbles at the same time Eskel asks, “What did you do, Jaskier?”

“What did I do?” Jaskier squawks, pulling away from the two men. “Honestly, why do you assume—”

“He smashed a chair over Old Piotr’s head,” the barmaid says. “And then punched Young Piotr in the nose when he objected.”

“Did you break your thumb again?” Lambert asks.

Jaskier shakes his head, beaming. “I did exactly what you said this time.”

“Well done.” Lambert’s lips curl into a proud smile.

“So which one of you is his witcher?” the barmaid demands. “Whoever you are, get him out of my tavern and preferably out of this town. Maybe even out of Kaedwen.”

“Now, really, is that necessary?” Jaskier lays a hand over his heart. “I really treasured our brief friendship, Myrtle. It’s not my fault that certain patrons of your establishment had rude and defamatory things to say about the love of my life and my dear friends.”

Eskel and Lambert both look at Geralt, who finds himself unwilling to claim Jaskier when he’s about to get them kicked out of yet another town.

“When he starts fights, you’re his witcher,” he tells Lambert. “You’re the one who taught him how to throw a punch. He didn’t get into nearly as much shit when he broke his thumb every time.”

Eskel snorts. “You’re the one who kept bringing him to Kaer Morhen every winter, Geralt.”

“Yeah.” Lambert claps Eskel on the shoulder. “And you’re the dumbass who talked Geralt into confessing his feelings. If you hadn’t, the bard would have given up on him years ago.”

The three witchers look at each other for a moment.

With a sigh, Geralt turns to Myrtle. “Regrettably, we’re all his witchers.”

Banter Prompts

[1jet2unknown]

Just knock

“Aaaah!” Scott shrieks, covering his eyes with his hands. “Why are you naked?! Are you-” He peaks through his fingers just to immediately cover them again while making gagging noises. “Are you doing it on the dresser?!"⁠ ⁠ Derek groans into Stiles’ neck while Stiles just cackles.⁠ ⁠ "Since when are you-?! Why-?! HOW-?!” Scott stammers and Stiles almost feels sorry for his friend. ⁠ ⁠ “You should know better than to come in without knocking,” he snorts while he tries his best to cover his intimates by pulling his legs up and slinging them around Derek’s hips.⁠ ⁠ “WHY, Stiles…?” Scott whines, still unable to look at the two men in front of him. “Why would you-? … Why Derek?!"⁠ ⁠ Derek makes an upset noise at this but Stiles just pulls him close again, a laugh bubbling in his chest. "Dude, isn’t it obvious?” Stiles asks and glances at Derek as his thumb strokes over the older one’s chin. “‘Cause I love this stupid sourwolf!” ⁠ ⁠ Derek burries his happy smile in Stiles’ neck while Stiles laughs at Scott’s shocked expression. “Sorry dude, but if you haven’t seen that one coming, I can’t help you man…"⁠ ⁠ Cora shows up behind Scott and just raises her eyebrows. "I agree - you really are stupid if you missed this.” She pulls a face when her eyes land on her brother’s naked butt between Stiles’ thighs.

“But still… Ew!” is all she says before continuing down the hallway.⁠ ⁠ Stiles just laughs as he reaches for a T-shirt hanging from the edge of the dresser, throwing it in Scott’s general direction. “Get the fuck out or we’ll make you watch!” he laughs and Scott’s eyes turn hilariously big, mouth pulled open in digust.

When he doesn’t move, Derek grins and rolls his hips in one smooth motion, eliciting a moan from Stiles.⁠ ⁠ The door shakes in the frame from the force with which Scott throws it shut.⁠

[diamondbodiedblack]

[promptfiction]

no one ever believed stiles' words when he talked about killing someone without any discomfort, without a heartbeat, they always thought it was some kind of weird joke (like any stiles' joke). they also never realized how scott always changed the subject about it, always asked for any other option and those who realized it, thought it was just because the true alpha™ was too good or a really bad friend.

when stiles gets hurt and ends up becoming scott's beta, nobody can understand why stiles is now the only one who takes care of the problems that appear in the territory, even though he's a young werewolf. scott knows, before he could try control it better, try to keep stiles out of it, but as a wolf his bloodlust is so fucking strong and the only thing the alpha can do to help is sending stiles for those who deserve it and giving a friendly shoulder when stiles need.

[michellicopter]

okay so detectivebuttcop’s thing inspired captain-snark’s thing and then i cried for a thousand years and then drew this

HERE’S THE FULL VIEW LINK tumblr why are you a butt

[veryfunnymemes]

[i-cant-make-a-good-name]

[dandy-boi-ftm]

The best part is the fact that out of the two of them Martha Stewart was the one who went to prison.

[shadowkat678]

Wait…what?

[2fngrsin]

Wiiiiild. He did commit murder (in self defense - no judging) and America‘s Best Housewife was sent to jail because of insider trading, securities fraud, obstruction of justice and conspiracy. This is wiiiiiild 😄😄😄

[skrytch]

[brunhiddensmusings]

also he has every right to make fun of kanye west considering snoop has had a successful career for about two decades including his own cookbook and appearing in movies whereas kanye is a flat earther who had to crowdfund another album because he ran out of money despite kim kardashian being with him, not having the money to produce another album should be the metric when you know you can tell a musician has failed somewhere in either money management or actually being a musician rather then a famous trainwreck

[sunshine-tattoo]

snoop dogg is a good man who loves cooking, nature, and supporting the dreams of young children in poverty. kanye west helped get trump elected.

[brunhiddensmusings]

seriously though check out his cookbook its beautiful

and filled with lgiht humor, legit cooking, and charming life stories

[nevercure]

Whenever I think about snoop I remember that episode of cribs where he lived in an unusually modest house compared to everyone else on that show, spent the entire time with his young daughter hugging onto his leg and dragging her around as he walked. He even talked about how he didn’t want his kids to be musicians and that he just wants them to have a chance at a normal life / he doesn’t wish music career drama on anyone

The dude is mega down to earth for having a networth of 135 million dollars and staying relevant for longer than some of the top charting musicians have been alive

[brunhiddensmusings]

he says he keeps a supply of poptarts in the house for his nieces/nephews and grandkids but admits theyre really for him and then goes on to discuss what selection of condiments your fridge should have to jazz up leftover takeout hes one of the most thoroughly human humans ive ever known of

[owengrose]

Doesn’t he also coach football for kids, and stops smoking during the season to set a good example for the kids?

[bossymarmalade]

all these people going on about how Hozier is the peak representation of musical soft masculinity when Snoop has been out here rocking the smoothest braids and most hype manicures for decades

[stelamaris]

[unamedwatcher]

Have you seen his Planet Earth voiceover video? It’s the best thing I’ve ever heard. Man knows nothing about otters

[randomslasher]

Plizzanet Earth is a joy. Here’s the playlist:

[ironwoman359]

Why has no one ever told me about Plizzanet Earth oh my god

[holykryptonitekitten]

Snoop is legit; don’t come for him. 

[nuggsmum]

He also did an episode of Storybots and my kids adore the computer man. Which is wild to me. Cuz I remember gangster rap Snoop. And we love and support Snoop in this house.

[ijustwannagobacktosleep]

Love him, great man

[fanwithoutaplan]

plizzanet earth

[artsyamz]

“I still don’t get how this guy has no mouth. I mean, how-how can he eat?”

[heathyr]

the delivery of this line was perfect

[myguardiancastiel]

I’m sorry, but the face he makes in the first gif before he starts talking is great. You can see the expression of “That’s what you’re focused on—Oh god, it’s hereditary“ go across his face in all of three seconds before he snarks back.

[jacyevans]

Oh god, it’s hereditary.

[feefal]

Growth stages of various mushrooms! from young spore to wisened, old granny fungi.

[deadmanandcompany]

@toasty-bat​