androgyny;

Levi | Ellsworth | Art

[levi-scanlon]

too long til i drown in your hands  ➵ nate & levi

[natewayland]

The I love you that fell so easily and effortlessly from Levi’s lips made Nate’s breath catch in his chest, and he pulled the other down for a hot, open mouthed kiss, unable to stop himself. It had taken them both so long to own up to the depth of their feelings, after years and years of staunchly pretending that they were just friends who fucked around, and now that they were both acutely aware of the fact that this was and always had been love – be it romantic, platonic, or something deeper than both combined – Nate couldn’t get enough of the words. He’d come before from a well timed I love you out of Levi’s lips, and he wasn’t even ashamed of it. “I wouldn’t have had it any other way,” he mumbled, breathless, lips tracing down the hollow of his throat and sucking sharply at the base of his neck, leaving an angry red mark on his tanned skin that just screamed mine, you’re all mine. “I love our history. I love every fucking second of it. Even if I didn’t love it then, I love it now because all of it lead to right here and right now, and it lead to us.” He reached up, carding a hand through Levi’s paint smeared hair, his calloused fingers infinitely gentle as he murmured, “I love you and all of your broken bits because they fit so perfectly with mine.”

But his mind went blissfully, numbly blank as Levi’s fingers resumed the slow, steady rhythm they’d started before. He didn’t even try to be quiet, to stop the breathy, desperate noises escaping his lips, not caring that anyone who came onto the docs at this moment would hear how much he wanted this, how much he wanted Levi. “Please,” he practically whined at the other’s question. “I’ve– I’ve wanted this for a while, honestly, just– didn’t know how to ask.” He pushed back on the other’s hand, hips canting as he gave a breathless gasp and said, “Fingered myself in the shower a few days ago, and all I could think of was your cock. Fuck,” he hissed out, desperate for more, before saying, “Please, Lev, I’m ready.”

[levi-scanlon]

Broken bits - it was all Levi seemed to be made of, assembled haphazardly by the crude hands of some cruel god and thrown to earth. If Nate loved them - loved him - then Levi knew he was where he needed to be; there was no one that understood him like Nate did, and no one that Levi gave a fuck about ore than Nate. He’d thought there could be nothing worse than losing his mother, but losing Nate -- even the thought made him cold. But he pushed all that away as he looked down at Nate, seeing him vulnerable and spread open for Levi in a way that was completely new for both of them. He smiled at how desperate he’d managed to make Nate - how far he’d pushed him, until the whole harbour would hear them. Nate probably wanted that, the filthy exhibitionist that he was. Levi’s eyebrows raised and he felt himself harden wen Nate said he’d fingered himself in the shower the other day. “Should’ve said something sooner,” Levi said, kissing Nate’s thigh as he eased his fingers out. “Would’ve fucked you before, but you probably wanted it to be now, didn’t you? Right here in the open?”

Reaching for the small case again, Levi tore open a condom and rolled it on his cock, bucking into his own fist at the contact and riding the friction for just a second before grabbing the lube, smearing a healthy amount on. In a perfect world, he’d fuck Nate bare, but he didn’t know if they were there yet -- it had taken them a while to even get to a point where Nate fucked him without a condom, and they’d been having sex for years. “Want you to relax, alright? I’m gonna take care of you, just want you to feel good,” he said as he leaned down over Nate, kissing his collarbone, then his throat, where he could feel the rapid pulse of Nate’s heart. He could remember when the roles were reversed, and it was his first time -- he’d been scared but too turned on to care if it hurt. Levi didn’t want that for Nate -- he wanted it to feel good from the start. Wrapping his hand around Nate’s cock, he slowly jerked him as he lined up with Nate’s entrance, tension rippling through him as he battled against restraint - he hand’t fucked someone in over a year. Finding Nate’s lips, Levi kissed him just as he pressed inside, swallowing whatever noises Nate made while he eased in slowly. When he was inside Nate - a dizzying idea in and of itself, but the feeling - Levi kissed along Nate’s jaw. “Get some paint, love, whatever colour you want” he said, teeth nipping at Nate’s ear, wanting to buy some time and give Nate time to adjust. “You look so beautiful, want you to show me what you feel with the paint,” and when he pulled back, one hand beside Nate’s head, he gently eased back just slightly before rocking into Nate again, head dropping to Nate’s shoulder at the feeling. He was tight, and warm, and Levi felt like he was seconds - not minutes - away from an orgasm; keeping it slow, he rocked inside of Nate, looking up at the other boy through his lashes, thinking only that he’d never felt closer to Nate than now - like they were finally whole. 

[levi-scanlon]

too long til i drown in your hands  ➵ nate & levi

[natewayland]

Breath hitching, the muscles of his abdomen straining taut as he did his best to hold his hips in place – with Levi’s help, of course – Nate reached over to smear blue paint all over his palms. “You’re going to get this in your hair, I hope you realize,” he said, wiping off some of the excess paint on the edge of the jar. “Not exactly your best– plan.” His voice broke at the sensation of Levi’s tongue on his cock, and he hissed out a sharp breath, his hand smearing paint along the smooth skin of Levi’s back as his legs were nudged apart. He saw fucking stars when Levi took him down and spread him open all at once, and he couldn’t help himself from crying out, a breathless, broken noise as his hand slammed back against the canvas, curling around the edge and smearing paint over the bottom half of the empty space as Levi kept going.

“Levi,” Nate moaned, taking more paint on his hand and cupping the other’s face, a thrill of arousal sparking down his spine as he felt Levi’s cheeks hollowing out and swallowing him down against he palm of his hand. “Fuck, your fucking mouth,” he panted, hand smearing blue into Levi’s hair as he tangled his soft locks around his fingers. “Dunno– dunno what I like more– your mouth or– or your fingers.” It wasn’t the first time Levi was fucking him open, but it was definitely the most he’d enjoyed it because of the anticipation of what was to come. He wanted more, and Levi seemed to pick up on that, giving him instructions of green now, and he obliged, taking his clean left hand and dipping it in paint just as Levi pressed another finger in. Nate’s body stilled and then shuddered, and he couldn’t help but grind back on Levi’s fingers, his breathing shallow and uneven. “Green,” he repeated inanely to himself, and, dazed but determined, he pulled Levi up to him, sliding their lips together in a hot, open mouthed kiss, before pressing a large green palm print over the other’s heart. “Mine,” he muttered hotly against Levi’s mouth, licking the taste of himself off the other’s tongue. “Pretty, lovely, and mine.”

[levi-scanlon]

The colours were everywhere, and Levi reveled in them every time he looked up at Nate to see how he was doing. His face, twisted in pleasure, made Levi redouble his efforts, not complaining when paint matted and stained his dark hair. This was about Nate and what he felt, and with three fingers inside of him, stretching him open so that Levi could fuck him, Levi was inclined to give him whatever he wanted. “You love them both,” Levi grinned, curling his fingers in search of Nate’s prostate. “You can always have them both.” He was pulled up by Nate for a kiss, then - searing and searching, and finding - and Levi couldn’t help the stutter of his heart at Nate’s words, followed by the press of a paint-smeared hand right over his heart. He smiled, fingers stilling inside of Nate.”You’re a sap,” he teased, kissing him back and speaking between the press of lips. “But I love you, and you’re my sap.” Levi reached out with his free hand and dipped his fingers into the red paint, withdrawing them and spreading the drops across Nate’s chest and collarbones. Pressing his fingers to Nate’s skin, Levi drew across it, the red spreading slowly across the expanses of his tan skin. 

“I went through hell to find you,” Levi told him, starting to slowly fuck Nate with his fingers again, continuing to open him up while search for his prostate. “Red’s for struggle and pain and sacrifice, and I know you’ve felt it, too,” he said, dark eyes darting up to Nate’s for a moment as he spread the red paint across Nate’s shoulders, where the weight of the world would have sat. “Stronger together than we are apart - the heaven just on this side of hell.” Levi leaned down and kissed him again, hoping that Nate understood - that all of it, everything they’ve done - was worth it because they’d found each other. His fingers found Nate’s prostate, brushing against it lightly but with intention, smiling at the reaction it pulled from the man beneath him. “Gonna fuck you now, yeah?” Levi murmured, hand curling around Nate’s neck and up to cup his jaw. “You ready?” And he paused, fingers still moving inside of Nate but he made the moment stand still so that Nae could genuinely answer - Levi didn’t want to push for it, to do something that Nate wasn’t ready to do.

[levi-scanlon]

too long til i drown in your hands  ➵ nate & levi

[natewayland]

Levi always had a commanding streak to him, one that demanded attention and all eyes trained on him, and Nate loved it – especially when it was directed at him. Although he was broader and larger than Levi, he was also more passive and more docile, and the juxtaposition of their sizes and their temperaments– Nate lived for it. “I trust you,” he said, simple and sure, kissing Levi chastely before lying back as he was told, letting his body relax with the knowledge that Levi was going to take care of him and that he trusted the younger boy to do so. A breathless gasp shivered through him at the sudden attention to his dick, hard and desperate, and he did what he could to keep his hips from chasing after the feeling. “Lev,” he mumbled, voice shaking. “Don’t– don’t tease. It’s not fair.” He knew better than to think the other would listen, but he had to at least try. His self preservation instincts weren’t that horrible.

The feeling of Levi’s tongue against his hole sent a spark of arousal down his spine, and he couldn’t stop himself from bucking into that, his hips pushing back on Levi’s tongue as a whine, pitched low in his throat, escaped his lips. Everything Levi was giving him was fleeting, too much to be nothing, but not enough to be something, and Nate was already worked up enough as it was. “You’re the worst,” he breathed out, licking his lips and clamping down as he watched the other through hooded, expectant eyes. “I’ve seen what death looks like, and it looks like you being a fucking tease.”

[levi-scanlon]

Grinning up at Nate at his protestations, Levi shrugged one shoulder. “This is just the first circle of Hell - wait til you’re further in before complaining,” Levi advised, pressing Nate’s hips down with one hand so that he could control his movements before taking Nate’s cock with the other, stroking lazily. “See to your right,” Levi said casually, as though his hands weren’t all over Nate, “that blue paint pot? I want you to take some on your hands so that wherever you touch - yourself, the canvas, me - it’ll spread, okay?” Once he was sure Nate understood, he grabbed the small case and pulled out their travel-sized lube bottle. “For the gay on the go,” Levi had once said in a bathroom stall in London, a wry smile on his face before he’d opened himself up for Nate. This time, he was opening Nate up, and he poured a healthy amount onto his fingers, not wanting to hurt Nate - too much was better than not enough. Still idly stroking Nate, he dipped down licked a stripe up his cock before leaning back down. 

Elbowing Nate’s legs wider, Levi bit his lip as he circled his index finger around Nate, dipping in for just a second before withdrawing. “You better be painting,” he said, glancing up as he took the head of Nate’s cock in his mouth just as he slid one finger inside of him. The suddenness of both actions, he hoped, would distract Nate from the stretch that he was about to undergo. A rhythm was easy to work up, bobbing his head as he worked one - then two - slick fingers inside Nate, scissoring them slightly when he was sure that Nate was ready for it. He wondered if he could do three - three would make the actual sex part easier -  so Levi pulled off Nate’s cock and, kissing his thighs, took a second to catch his breath as he continued to pump his fingers in and out of Nate. “I want you to put your hands in green now, babe,” Levi called, eyes flicking up to make sure Nate did it, pressing a third finger beside the first two and watching for any negative reaction. “Want your hands coated, want to see the colours, yeah?”

[the-ocean-in-one-drop-deactivat]

Bill Hicks, Revelations (1993)

[levi-scanlon]

too long til i drown in your hands  ➵ nate & levi

[natewayland]

Once they were back on the boat, Nate toweled off his hair before tossing the white fabric away, biting his lip as he watched Levi. Everything in him wanted to crowd into the other’s space, to tip him over and pin him to the yacht’s wooden flooring, but he waited as patiently as he could for Levi to fetch the paint and the canvas. The outline of the other’s dick was obscene, clearly visible through the flimsy towel, and it made Nate’s mouth dry where he leaned against the arm of one of the fancy couches, all of his attention focused on that rather than what, exactly, Levi was saying. “I wanna leave handprints all over you and take pictures of you in the sunset while I fuck you,” Nate mumbled, pulling the other close to him by the knot in his towel keeping it snug on his hips. “But– um. I kind of– Um. I kind of want you to fuck me on the canvas.” The words left his lips before he realized what he was saying, but that didn’t make them any less true, and he glanced up at Levi through his eyelashes, his cheeks tipped pink. It was the first time he’d asked for something like this, the first time he’d ever wanted anyone to fuck him, and that needed to be commemorated somewhere. He couldn’t think of any place better than a canvas. “Paint me and– make me yours. You were always better with acrylics anyways.”

His legs spread apart to accommodate a space for Levi, pulling him close and tipping his head down to kiss him slowly as he undid the towel around the other’s waist. It pooled around Levi’s ankles and gave Nate full access to Levi’s dick, hard, flushed, and curved, but Nate kept his hands at the other’s hips for a moment instead. “Only if you wanna do that, though,” Nate mumbled quietly, swallowing around the lump in his throat. “Like. Whatever you want to do, honestly, Lev, is fine with me. So long as I get you – in whatever way you want me to have you – that’s all that matters.”

[levi-scanlon]

Nate’s request made Levi fall still, barely breathing - that was new. Of course, Levi had thought about it - he’d thought about it a lot, really; about what it’d feel like to be inside Nate - but he’d never asked, never pushed to make it happen. He was happy with what they had - and if it was all they ever had, he’d be beyond grateful, but there was always that what if. “Yeah,” he said nervously, nodding and cupping Nate’s face between his pals. “Yeah, alright.” It wasn’t his first time - he’d fucked girls and guys - but it was always different; it was going to be different because now, it was Nate. Now it would actually mean something. When his towel was gone, Levi wasn’t in the slightest bit cold - he felt alive, flushed from head to toe, especially wherever Nate touched him. “I want you,” Levi said, leaning forward to capture Nate’s lips, kissing away the uncertainty that seemed to linger there. “I’ll give you whatever you want - you’ll make the best painting I’ve ever done.”

He kissed him for a moment longer, taking his time to lick his way into Nate’s mouth, before pulling back. “Stay right here,” he said, feeling somewhat important and confident now that he was in charge, and moved to lay the canvas out on the deck. Next, he uncapped the paint tins and stood them side by side in a row, offering their colours up freely. Then, he ducked back into the cabin and grabbed the small case where they kept lube and condoms. Chucking it onto the canvas, Levi returned to Nate, grinning. “You sure? We don’t have to, but--” Levi pulled Nate off the arm rest an against him. “I’ll make it good, I promise. Open you up, nice and slow, first,” he said, walking them over to the canvas, “then when you think you’ll come from just my fingers, I’ll fuck you. You just need to promise me that if anything hurts or you’re uncomfortable that you let me know, yeah? Want to take care of you,” he said, suddenly on the other side of the relationship as he tugged Nate onto the deck where the canvas sat. There were several ways he could get Nate open - some that seemed more convenient than others - but if it was Nate’s first time, he wanted it to be good. Pushing Nate back with one hand, Levi told him to lie on his back, and only when he had done so did Levi lay on his stomach and, after pulling off Nate’s shorts, ghosted his fingers - then his lips - around Nate’s flushed dick. “Gonna make you feel good,” he said, seeing Nate over the expanse of Nate’s chest, “just relax.” He’d done this before - opened Nate up with his fingers and tongue, but now there was intent behind it; a meaning and an outcome that they were driving toward, and he didn’t hesitate before pressing his tongue - flat and broad - to Nate’s hole, listening out for the noises the other boy made.

[levi-scanlon]

too long til i drown in your hands  ➵ nate & levi

[natewayland]

“You’re not going to let me enjoy the water?” Nate pouted, doing his utmost to keep his breathing even and his voice normal, even though the physical strain of keeping them both afloat and fingering Levi open was starting to take its toll. His thighs burned from the effort of treading water, but he honestly didn’t mind. The breathless, desperate way Levi’s voice hitched when he spoke was more than enough of a reward. “It was your idea to get in, Levi,” he said, eyes glimmering wickedly as he scissored his fingers in and out of the other, crooking his wrist just so in order to get the angle that almost always reduced Levi to an incoherent mess. After years and years of access to Levi’s body, it was almost muscle memory to get Levi off, but that didn’t mean he didn’t love it each and every time. “What if I wanted to go for a swim?”

However, his pretense of casualness dropped the moment Levi’s legs wrapped around his waist, his dick pressed against Nate’s hip, and– fuck. His own dick gave a twitch of interest, and unbidden, a sharp exhale left his lips as they sought out Levi’s, his throat thick and his mouth desperate. “I don’t wanna stop touching you,” Nate mumbled against Levi’s mouth. “Christ– you’re so tight, I don’t want to stop, but– I want to see you.” His free arm wrapped around Levi’s waist, bringing them even closer, and his thighs ached with the effort of it all, but he didn’t care. Being separated from Levi, even just to swim back to the yacht, wasn’t something he even wanted to consider. “I wanna see all of you come apart just for me. I want– fuck, do we have paint on the yacht? Please tell me we have paint. And a canvas. And a joint.”

[levi-scanlon]

It was all pretense, Nate’s objections to leaving, and Levi knew the moment they disappeared, because he could feel the way Nate tried to bring him closer - the way his fingers moved just the slightest to find his prostate and make Levi keen desperately. Nate’s words - full of the same kind of want that Levi felt - made his heart pound furiously inside his rib cage. “Please,” he begged, nodding at Nate’s suggestions. “Want that, yeah. Paint-- yeah, we have it,” he said, mind chasing the feeling of Nate’s fingers rather than whatever Nate was considering. But he realised that if he wanted this - for Nate to take him apart - they needed to get somewhere stable; he wasn’t going to drown for sex. Exhaling, slowly and shakily, Levi stilled Nate’s hand that was still inside of him. “Let’s back to the boat,” he said, words feeling wobbly. “Want you so bad, Nate -- don’t want to kill ourselves trying to get it, though.”

Kissing Nate just once before pulling apart, Levi started to swim to the boat, making sure Nate was following. He felt no embarrassment as he hauled himself up onto the ladder and back onto the boat, his arse on show for the entire Spanish coast; he just hoped that Nate was watching. Levi grabbed two towels that sat by the ladder and wrapped one around himself, though he could already feel the sun’s heat drying the beads of water that dripped from his hair. When he saw Nate, Levi handed him the towel, but his eyes were already on Nate’s body, drinking in the sight of his broad chest and tan skin, making him feel a jolt of attraction and lust. “Paint’s in here,” Levi said, tearing his eyes away from Nate as he walked into the cabin. He’d put some art supplies on the boat a few days prior, always wanting to be prepared in case inspiration struck. Grabbing a roll of thick canvas, Levi handed it to Nate before he grabbed some of the paint, hauling it out onto the deck. “What do you want to do?” asked Levi, feeling slightly shy, almost, as he stood there with his towel low on his hips and hard dick more than obvious beneath it. He was practically vibrating with need for Nate to touch him, but he didn’t want to distract Nate if he had a plan, so he kept his hands to himself, though shifting closer to Nate and looking up at him. “You want to fuck me on the canvas?” Levi suggested, stomach coiling with need. “Take me apart and create something new on it?”

[levi-scanlon]

too long til i drown in your hands  ➵ nate & levi

[natewayland]

“Amsterdam’s a month away,” Nate said, shrugging off the comment and the small twist of something in the pit of his stomach. “We’ve got plenty of time, and I don’t think we’ve ever met a flat surface we didn’t like.” He let Levi guide his hand towards his hole, a shiver thrilling its way down his spine at how public all of this was. A few hundred feet away from them was a small fishing boat, and they were definitely visible from the docs, and– Nate didn’t care at all. One long finger drew a teasing circle around Levi’s hole before pushing inside in a smooth motion, stopping only once his finger was buried inside the other all the way to the knuckle.

“I got my first offer the other day,” he breathed out, mouthing hotly at Levi’s skin as he crooked his finger inside of Levi, pushing it in deeper for a moment before pulling out a little, giving him some stretch before fucking into him again. “D’you remember those naked stills I did of you last year? Someone wants to buy them off the Nisbet for ten grand.” The Nisbet Gallery in San Francisco was owned by some of Nate’s friends back in the Bay Area, and he’d had his stuff in their galleries for years, which was an accomplishment in it of itself, but knowing that someone wanted to buy his work – that was something else entirely. “This is just the start, Lev,” he murmured, unable to stop himself from getting sentimental as he worked in a second finger – which, he knew was probably more than a little painful without lube, and so, purposefully, he went slow, giving Levi ample time to adjust to the stretch of it. “Everyone deserves to know how good you make me feel.”

[levi-scanlon]

Nate was right - they’d never waste an opportunity to get naked if they could, sometimes taking risks that most people would have shied away from. Nate’s exhibitionism kink - which Levi often too advantage of - made things that much more fun now that they were out in the world exploring; he could blow Nate almost anywhere, quick and dirty, with Nate’s fingers tangled in his hair unable to stop himself from getting off on the publicness of it. Levi wasn’t fussy about the location - he was more focused on the Nate-ness of it all. With one finger - then two - gently stretching him open, Levi’s blunt nails were digging into Nate’s wet skin, while his mouth let out tiny gasps at the sensation. Slightly painful - but in the way that he liked, that wasn’t too much - he wanted so badly to push back on Nate’s fingers but couldn’t find any purchase to do so, the water keeping him from what he really wanted.

“That’s-- that’s great,” Levi said, licking his lips and trying to focus. This was what he’d wanted, after all. “Not that you need the money, but the exposure will be-- fuck-- will be good. Get your name out there.” He couldn’t help himself from panting slightly in Nate’s ear, dick hard against Nate’s hip as he held the other close. “If you fuck me on the boat, I’ll be loud enough so that everyone will know how good you make me feel,” he said, and it was a promise. “When we get to Paris, our neighbours will always know,” Levi continued, pushing back as best he could. “When you draw more, when people-- oh god... when people buy them and hang them and look at them, they’ll all know.” His legs felt tired from treading water so he hooked them around Nate’s waist, effectively opening himself up more for the other boy. “Please,” he begged, quiet and desperate. “Can we go back? Think I might end up drowning before I get you in me.”

[levi-scanlon]

too long til i drown in your hands  ➵ nate & levi

[natewayland]

Nate opened his mouth to protest more, to make an argument as to why staying exactly where they were was the smartest course of action, but then boardshorts were coming off, and Levi was jumping off the side of the yacht. Immediately, Nate rushed to the edge of the boat, heart racing as he searched the water for Levi, exhaling only when he saw the other’s head bobbing above the surface and heard his name echoing from the blue depths. “You’re insane,” Nate called back, shaking his head, his pulse still too quick for his liking. “You could’ve– hit your head on the boat or gotten eaten by a shark or something.” Were there even sharks in Spain? Exasperatedly, he kicked off his flip flops – decisively leaving his swimming trunks on – and climbed down to one of the lower levels of the yacht, where it was, presumably, safer to jump in, before following the other’s lead and diving in.

With near perfect form – years of surfing certainly paid off – his body cut through the water, and he curved upwards, arms wrapping around Levi’s waist as he surfaced, shaking water out of his eyes and spraying the other as he did so. “You’re ridiculous,” he mumbled, treading water to keep them both afloat before kissing him, slow and warm, his tongue sliding easily into the other’s mouth. Levi tasted like sunshine and salt water, and Nate couldn’t help the burst of happiness twisting in his chest. “Now, all of the coast of Spain’s seen your dick. I dunno whether to be impressed or jealous.” He reached back, palming lazily at Levi’s ass under the surface of the water. “Although, I’ve already got dibs. So they can fuck off.”

[levi-scanlon]

It felt good to be in the water and out of the sun, and Levi could feel his skin singing as he watched Nate join him. The time away from Healthfield had been good to him - he’d gotten broader, with more muscle and a healthier glow to his skin than Levi had ever seen it. Maybe just the air had helped, but Levi was sure that something at that school had been killing them both slowly. With arms around him and Nate keeping him afloat, Levi didn’t hesitate before he wrapped his own around Nate’s neck, pulling them closer. He smiled into the kiss, surrendering easily and letting his eyes close - seeing the sparkle of the ocean behind his lids - before he let them open again. “Dibs?” Levi echoed, eyebrows raised as he felt Nate’s hand on his ass. “Better get your fill before we hit Amsterdam - I’ve got my eye on someone who can’t speak a word of English except for ‘yes’ and ‘fuck.’” 

They’d talked about it - a threesome in Amsterdam - and the excitement fizzled beneath Levi’s skin. “Besides,” he said, dropping one hand into the water and grabbing Nate by the wrist. Gently, but with intention, he guided Nate’s fingers to his hole, biting his lip at the first brush of fingertips. “Not like people haven’t seen my dick the world over, what with all your drawings,” and Levi leaned in, letting go of Nate’s wrist and pushing his wet fingers into Nate’s hair. “Your filthy sketches that everyone saw... that you made them see... Made sure you showed everyone what was yours, didn’t you? Wanted everyone to know what we did - what we do.” Kissing beneath Nate’s ear, he nipped at the skin, tasting salt water on his tongue. 

[levi-scanlon]

too long til i drown in your hands  ➵ nate & levi

[natewayland]

Nate stared out at the clear, blue sea, its surface smooth as glass without even the barest hint of wind to disturb it, and he felt more at ease than he had in years. Certainly, graduating from Heathfield without incident and leaving behind that chapter of his life had helped, but he couldn’t imagine this freedom feeling even half as good without Levi at his side. He’d spent too long running from emotional intimacy and cutting it out of his life whenever he felt himself getting too close, but he couldn’t do that with Levi. Nate needed him too much, and so accepting it and allowing it to make him stronger, to make him better was really his only option. But if it made him this happy, then, it couldn’t be all bad, could it?

At Levi’s words, he smirked, eyes rolling; there was a heat pooling just underneath the surface of his skin that he knew had absolutely nothing to do with the temperature of the sun beating down on them, but there was no rush anymore, no overwhelming need to get off as quickly as possible with an urgency that could only be characterized as naively youthful. Not here, not on this trip. Whatever they wanted, they could have, and so, without preamble, Nate pulled Levi on top of him, their chests flushed against each other, pushing the other’s hair off his face with his large, broad hands. “‘m too tired,” Nate sighed, lips brushing against the Levi’s jaw. “Swimming’s so much. Effort. We’d have to get up.” He ghosted his mouth over the other’s neck. “Imagine how horrible that’d be. Can’t we just stay here, like this?”

[levi-scanlon]

The yacht that they’d rented for the week bobbed gently on the still ocean, more soothing than sickening, and Levi was compliant and pliable when Nate pulled him properly onto his own chest. His hair, which Nate pushed away from his eyes, was longer than he’d normally kept it at school - he hadn’t seen the point in cutting it, not yet. He liked it though; liked that there was more for Nate to grip between his fingers and pull, more to use when Levi went down on him. The thoughts made Levi swallow a groan as he settled against Nate, their skin sticky-hot everywhere they touched. Smiling down at Nate, Levi reached up with a finger and traced his jaw, his lips, pad of his fingertip tickled when it touched the stubble. “You’re fucking lazy, even when there’s something in it for you,” Levi chided. “Maybe you’re getting old, old man - maybe our next stop should be the geriatric ward.”

 He was smiling, white of his teeth bright, as he ducked down and kissed Nate just once, trying to be encouraging. “C’mon, swim with me, asshole,” and Levi - with great effort - pulled himself away from Nate, tugging at Nate’s hands, trying to coax him up after him. “Think the Spaniards will mind if I go in naked?” he asked casually, hooking his thumbs into the waistband of his short, black boardshorts. “I want to get rid of his tanline before we leave.” Shrugging, Levi pushed down his pants and kicked them away across the deck so that he was standing there, naked and happy. There was something liberating about standing in a foreign country, naked, with nothing to fear but everything to gain. Without preamble, he jumped off the side of the boat, cupping his dick before he hit the water. Immediately, his hot skin cooled off, and he swam back to the surface, flicking water and hair out of his eyes. “Nate!” he yelled, splashing water with his hand uselessly at the side of the boat.

[shutterbugtemptation]

Sunset on the sea (San Sebastian), by HHappeney

[travelandleisuremag]

Medieval villages, cliff-side beaches, freshly caught fish, and rich flavors—T+L gets lost in Catalonia’s rugged countryside along Spain’s northeastern coast. Take the trip.

Photos by Mikkel Vang

[levi-scanlon]

too long til i drown in your hands  ➵ nate & levi

Every inch of Levi’s skin was warm, and as he pulled his arm away from where it had been draped over his eyes, he had to squint. Even with dark-tinted sunglasses on, the Spanish sun was bright - much brighter than Levi would have been used to a few short months ago. But, he’d been exposed to more of the elements in the last few weeks than he had in his entire life. Travelling across Europe had been one of the best decisions he’d ever made: breaking free from Heathfield was something that he’d needed to do for a while, but always felt compelled to refrain from, for his mother’s sake. Rolling his head to look at his side, Levi saw miles of golden skin and the gentle rise and fall of Nate’s chest, and smiled. Nate was the reason he’d left, choosing to instead follow what was for his own good, because that’s what his mother would have actually wanted.

“I feel like I’m genuinely starting to burn inside,” he grumbled to Nate, rolling over so that he was curled into Nate’s side. To the touch, Nate’s skin was hot, too - golden from weeks of sun and heat, and beneath it, firm muscle that made Levi’s mouth dry. “Come in the water?” He pouted up at Nate before tacking on a “please?” 

Manners were a new thing for Levi - being kind felt like he was exposing himself to the world’s mockery. But things were different now - he had allowed so many of his walls to topple because of Nate, allowing other things to fill the holes that had been carved from years of sadness. He now felt happy, which was -- new. Leaning up, Levi rested his palm flat against the solid stretch of Nate’s chest to nose about under his jaw, where he’d let stubble grow. “Let you fuck me right here on the deck after, if you want. Know how you like it when people can see you - can see us,” he murmured, voice coy and full of the mischief that they’d been getting into of late. He could see the nail polish he was wearing was starting to chip, and his own skin was almost unrecognisable, tanner now than he’d ever let it turn. It made him happy, though -- each change was a reminder of who he was now, rather than who he had been - and all that he’d gained since then.

[fredricsmerle-deactivated201607]

x

[browningsemily-blog]

enzo in p l u s h

[natewayland]

no, baby, this is not an illusion ↬ nate & levi

[natewayland]

Nate barely even knew what ‘I love you’ meant, and the idea of explaining him caused him pause. He knew how he felt about Levi because it was a part of him that was so integral to his well being that he didn’t know how to function without it, but putting that feeling to words was an entirely different story. “I don’t really know what it means,” Nate admitted finally, honesty rippling through his voice. “I just know that I feel it. You’re the most important person in my life, Lev, and all I know is that I need you because I don’t know how to be without you. I don’t know if that’s love or not, but. Still.” He sucked in a deep breath, eyes flickering away from Levi’s, mouth pressed into a tight, thin line. “You, um, don’t have to feel the same way,” he murmured, soft and hesitant. “That wouldn’t change anything for me…as long as you’re in my life, I’m happy. I just— need you. In any capacity.” Breathing out, he managed to find Levi’s gaze again, holding it with burning intensity. “You don’t need to say it. I don’t care about that. You just— need to stay. If that’s what you want, then please. Stay.”

[levi-scanlon]

Hearing Nate say that he didn't know how to be without Levi, that he needed Levi, made Levi's throat feel uncomfortably constricted. He felt the same -- of course he did, he always had -- but was that love? And if it was love, why did so many people drift apart? Leave? Tire of one another? It was unbearable that Nate would become one of those people to him; he couldn't imagine a time when he'd want to be rid of Nate, and if that was what defined love, then he was in far too deep. He could hear the shakiness in Nate's voice, but the steadiness too -- the assurance that what he said was right and true and honest, and Levi felt overwhelmed with it. "I'm not going anywhere," Levi said after a moment, and he actively had to force his hands to stop gripping Nate's shirt so tightly. He pressed them, palm down, against his chest. "I don't know if what I feel is love or if it's just -- you know, friendship set on fire -- but it's the single most overwhelming thing I've ever felt," he said, trying to show Nate that he could change -- that he could say what he felt aloud instead of simply running from it all the time. "I need you, probably more than you need me," he added quietly, ashamed to be vulnerable, and his hands moved to Nate's neck. "Sometimes it's not only need, but want -- I want us to be together, I want you to just be with me so much -- is that love?" Levi bit his lip and sighed, dropping his gaze. "Sorry that I fuck everything up all the time," he said, feeling it right down to his toes. "I'm just-- I'm scared?" He wanted a smoke. He wanted something to remove the horrible itch under his skin that came from saying these kinds of words, no matter how true they were. He wanted to escape, but he fought -- for Nate. For them. "That love will fade, that it isn't love, that love isn't real at all, that you'll go, that we'll fuck this up, that we'll drift. I don't want to drift away from you, Nate -- you mean too much."

[natewayland]

no, baby, this is not an illusion ↬ nate & levi

[natewayland]

In all honesty, the confession had been a mistake. Nate could only claim to have loved one person in his life — his mother — and she had left without saying goodbye. It was the moment when he realized that loving people was dangerous, that anyone could leave you, and, because of it, he held those words tight to his chest, never verbalizing them because if he didn’t say it out loud, it wasn’t happening. But he’d said it, and he was surprised to find that he meant it. The thought terrified him in every way possible; losing Levi wasn’t something he was capable of handling in any situation or reality, and he could feel his heart pounding loudly in his ribcage as fear swirled through him.

However, it was out. He couldn’t take it back, and he wasn’t even sure if he wanted to. Licking his lips, his hands covering Levi’s, he stared down at the younger boy and tried to swallow the lump in his throat, to unstick his tongue and make the words leave his lips again. “I love you,” he mumbled, so soft that Levi could miss it if he wasn’t paying attention. “I love you,” he repeated, louder this time. “I love you.”

[levi-scanlon]

Warm hands covered Levi's cold ones, and he looked down at where they were touching, trying to understand. Brow furrowed and mind reeling out of control, he heard Nate repeat it -- he heard every syllable, every letter that was pushed forth from his lungs and his heart and his mind, and Levi still didn't know what to do. He couldn't look up at Nate now, he couldn't stand seeing those eyes he was so familiar with looking down at him, so he stared at their hands. Levi couldn't feel them anymore -- he couldn't feel anything -- and even though this was potentially the most revolutionary thing to happen to him, he wanted to so desperately not be there. "What does that even mean?" he heard himself say, and he cleared his throat, trying to clear some of the fog with it. "What-- what does that mean?" he asked again, staring hard at Nate's chest before flicking his eyes up nervously to him. "I'm not-- I don't know if I can even love someone. I don't know-- I don't--" Levi took in a shuddering breath, closing his eyes so he could just think. The moment felt so fragile, and he knew he was going to ruin everything because he was stunted and wrong and broken. "What if you love me and I can never understand if I feel the same back?" he asked, almost child-like. "What if what I feel isn't love? It's so strong, Nate -- so fucking strong, but I don't know-- I don't--" Levi shook his head, and everything he felt for Nate felt like it was getting caught in the netting of his lungs, choking him. "I've never felt what I do for you with anyone else," he confessed, and it wasn't exactly news. "I just -- I don't know if I can say it, because I don't know if it's true. I don't even know what love is." Levi bit his lip and pulled on Nate's shirt tighter. "Do you understand?" he begged quietly, looking up imploringly.

[natewayland]

no, baby, this is not an illusion ↬ nate & levi

[natewayland]

Levi’s words stung more than Nate had anticipated, and he flinched at the other’s final words, glancing away as he spoke. The logical part of his brain knew that Levi was lashing out, had seen Levi do this enough times that he knew he was just saying whatever he had to in order to get a rise out of Nate. But, surprisingly, it still hurt to know that some part of Levi didn’t trust Nate to be faithful, didn’t trust that Nate’s feelings were never going to change. He knew that part of that was his fault; after all, he essentially transferred all of his own issues with emotional intimacy onto a young, impressionable Levi. Regardless, Nate forced himself to look up at Levi, blinking to clear his clouded vision.

"We’re together," Nate said firmly. "That’s what we are. You’re the one who’s coming to Paris with me next year. You’re the one I’m going to stay with for as long as you’ll have me. Just because someone else sits on my lap at a party doesn’t make any of that other stuff go away." He exhaled sharply and shoved his hands deep into his pockets, gaze locked on Levi’s as he continued. "Why is it so difficult for you to believe me when I say that I love you? Because I do, and that is never going to change.”

[levi-scanlon]

He wanted to cry or scream or hit things -- he wanted to use so badly, he could feel his fingers itching for the locked, black box in his room that contained the hardest of substances. Looking at Nate realising how fucked Levi was hurt -- but when he opened his mouth, it hurt worse. His words physically took the breath out of Levi, and his arms dropped loosely to his sides like a puppet whose strings had been cut.

Love.

Levi didn't know how to comprehend that -- no one loved him. "You've never said that before," Levi said stupidly, his anger and fear pulsing in a different part of his brain now, distantly and slowly, while something new took charge -- something uncomfortable and unbearably hot sitting tight in his stomach. "You--" His words faltered, and he took a numb step toward Nate. "You do? You... feel that? For me?" he continued, searching Nate's eyes, scared to find incomprehension and completely blank eyes of someone wasted beyond belief. Levi was so desperate to believe him, to hold onto Nate, that he didn't care right then. "Say it again," he said quietly, hands fisting in the front of Nate's shirt, and the smell of alcohol hit him, making him feel even more pleasantly buzzed than he was. "Say it again and I'll believe you," and Levi's hands shook just slightly, not sure if he wanted it to be real or not -- not sure if this was the best or worst thing to happen to them.