Radioactive Ex Boyfriends
Today, friends, I would like to talk about my very real and VERY horrifying ex-boyfriend. I know many of you are surprised-but yes, I have had a boyfriend before. There are multiple jackasses who have decided to embark on romantic adventures with mua. Today we will discuss "Tom."
Now Tom..was my first REAL boyfriend. I'll talk about my fake boyfriends and my middle school boyfriends (because that's always fun) and my hookups, but I think we need to clear the air and get my first, and only, real relationship out of the way.
I dated Tom my sophomore year of high school. I thought he was a beautiful creature that God gave me as a reward for saying no to that one pot hookup. I was wrong of course, God would never reward someone for saying NO to pot, but Tom turned out to be my worst nightmare. I literally have recurring night terrors about him.
Tom started out great. We began like most teenage relationships; texting every day and the occasional awkward sweaty movie date. But he was different than the guys I had texted before. He made me feel like the sexiest little 15 year old alive.
Then Tom and I officially started dating. Great! Casey has a boyfriend! I'm sure everyone who logged onto facebook that day was shocked, he was decently attractive and had a good sense of facebook etiquette. AKA: teenage perfection. He was my whole summer, I spent nearly every day and night with him. But after a good four months...something happened.
Tom changed. Or maybe just showed his true colors. Either way, I think the first step of his transformation/unveiling was his stage 5 clinging. Actually this wasn't stage 5...this was stage 20 off the charts I must see you every day or I will send you cryptic suicidal texts stage. I don't really know how he expected my 16 year old self to handle this, but I definitely laughed at most of them and ignored them. Looking back, that was probably a horrible decision to make as a human being, but it's in the past, right?
One day he told me he couldn't call me because he wasn't allowed to be around any electronics or radioactive materials for 23 hours. Alright? I didn't think much about it, because I honestly didn't care. I couldn't even talk to him anymore without being severely annoyed. See, he would constantly be critiquing everything I did-something that really chafes my huge butt (which he also enjoyed to critique). When two egos like that clash, it's bound to be disastrous. But he obviously didn't think it was, and he never understood my sarcastic comments of my hatred towards him, he just found them charming and feisty. So when we did hang out, I usually just skipped to the makeout phase..for a good five hours. He was still pretty adequate in the sack, thank God.
I think Tom was starting to feel emotionally neglected, because a week later he forced me into a dinner date. I was pretty pissed-I didn't want Thai food, and I certainly didn't feel like he deserved to be shaved and dressed up for. But I slid my ass into some tight lbd and took a good hour becoming hairless in the event of getting some. Or seeing someone I know.
Dinner was fine-I made appropriate small talk while planning my escape and Tom's demise in the event of a fire. Then I started to wonder why I was there if I hated him so much...then I went back to thinking about his demise while he talked about college applications and his feelings.
We were driving home after the uncomfortably spicy Thai experience and I was de-sweating. I can't really help it that I sweat and my nose runs when I eat Thai food. My stomach was making those awkward rumblings that were signaling my need for a bathroom soon and I was getting agitated about having to be in a car with him for so long. I don't understand why the Thai restaurant was a good 10 miles away.
Then Tom popped a little pill of information on me.
Tom: So I'm feeling really great lately.
Casey: Really? That's great. Super great. Awesome.
Tom: I know babe, I know. I think it's because I've been going to see this guy who injects me with these shots of power. Take your face off the window, it's going to get dirty. Anyway, they make me stronger and more flexible, but I can't be around anything radioactive after I take them because...well, I don't really know the side-effects, but I trust the guy's word.
Casey: .....where is this?
Tom: I can't really tell you, he's really secretive about his work. He only has the best clients and he told me that his methods are not really accepted in the medical community.
Tom: Well everyone would just flock to him, OBVIOUSLY. Doctors would lose all their money and he would be rich. But anyway, I've gotten a lot more flexible..if you know what I mean.
So after I found out that my boyfriend was on illegal radioactive drugs and convinced he would turn into f*cking Spiderman, I decided to create some distance. I sent him minimal texts and told him I was really busy with dance and school work when I spent most of my time going through my Netflix instant queue. The last straw happened a week after this. After watching Sex and The City, I needed a little lovin and called him up for a late night booty call. I don't really know how booty calls work in a relationship, but I made it work.
He came over within 20 minutes and he was shirtless in my room within 30. Then he did something he had never done before-he stopped me.
Casey: What the f*ck are you doing?
Tom: I'm not feeling it right now. It's not you...it's me. I had a really rough day at school today....
Tom: Yeah..it was really bad..
Tom: Like the worst day I've ever had...probably EVER...
Casey: (sigh) Oh..right..what happened?
Tom: Well these guys got on my case for no reason. They said it was because I was being a douche during gym class but honestly, they were the douches. If someone doesn't pass you the f*cking ball it's understandable that I would push them over and take it. So they were like f*cking cornering me and shit, trying to get up under me. They were like, getting closer and closer and no one else was around and I was trying to figure out how I was going to kick all three of their asses when this just...oh, I don't know if I can talk about it.
Tom: Well I guess I'll try. So this just weird...sensation came over me. Kind of like chills up and down my back? Anyway, I panicked and thought it might be some side effect of those shots and pills I've been taking. Like I was turning into the f*cking Hulk. But I opened my eyes...I had shut them because the chill was really intense...and there were these hazy, beast like animals behind them. Kind of like ghosts. And they slowly walked towards them while they kept on yelling at me. I just like, stood there looking at them, and then pounced on them. They started barking and everything...these spirit wolves. Three of them. They attacked them, and they couldn't see them but they ran away from me. The wolves followed them down the hallway, then came back and sort of smiled at me before disappearing.
A few minutes of silence passed while Tom cuddles my cold, unreactive and processing body.
Tom: You know, I'm feeling a lot better now. You can go back to what you were doing earlier.
So, needless to say, I ended things with Tom a week later. Over a text message. On our anniversary...
Don't hate me, it just happened. I forgot that it was our anniversary. I kind of tried to make myself forget I even had a boyfriend until his texts became a little too overwhelming. I don't really like communicating after I find out you have spirit wolves and are on Indian steroids.
Now this was a cautionary tale; I hope none of you ladies or gents ever become involved with a man of this caliber. Kick em to the curb while you can.
Needless to say, Tom was my first real relationship, and one I definitely won't forget. Even if I try really, really hard.
