Mumma and Bubba💚

A picture a day and some ramblings. I have post natal depression and have an aim to take a picture a day that represents that day on my journey to recovary. I will try and include things that make me laugh and give me hope, to hopefully help some people, or keep people from being bored...I hope!

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Trying to get this boy asleep has been a total nightmare!! He just won't go down, I am trying everything! I desperately need tips!!!

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Matching coats 😍😍😍😍

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Dad and Grandpa time!!!

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Been so exhausted today, he has been a little monster. So glad he is finally asleep! So need the break! Housework sooo not getting done!!!

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Those eyes!!!!!!!! ❤️😀💜💕

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Nice family day out 🙏🏼😍❤️💕

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I have had quite a positive week so far, I have made the decision to go back home 200miles away from family to try and get my life back and make a go of things. My partner has changed jobs to be nearer to us and have better hours so he can be around more. So I am feeling positive about it 😍. What I am quite proud of though is I have met up with a friend and gone out for the whole day without any major anxiety pangs. One of my big things with PND is I hate seeing my friends, especially if they are Mums too. I just feel like I am going to be totally judged and that they are so much better than me. I literally feel sick with nerves that bubba may cry and I won't be able to soothe him, or he'll cry loudly etc etc and that they'll think I can't look after him properly. Or maybe one of the toys I bring with me they might think isn't age appropriate or they'll think it's bad he has a dummy, or he's too small or too big. Every tiny little aspect of Bubs I think they'll judge, resulting in them thinking I'm an awful Mum and I'm not doing well enough. This has been the case for so long that I'm almost used to feeling like this. However. A big massive however my confidence must have grown slowly without me even realising because I didn't get anxious at all. I thoroughly enjoyed myself and it was great to go out! Bubs was fine he enjoyed being out and about and being cuddled by a new person, it was great. I feel so lucky and privileged that my mind has allowed me a day out without any dramas. I am so thankful that my confidence must have been growing in the background and being out with him with other people isn't as a big a deal anymore. I just hope that this will stay this way and also that I am not running before I can walk by going home. I guess only time will tell. I want to take this little victory, I know it may seem pathetic and small but for me it's such a big deal. It means hopefully I can socialise more and be out and about more which can only help. Today I have chosen a picture of my family where we were all happy and content enjoying the day. It is pictures like this that remind me that we are a normal family, we can be happy and things are good and it feels nice to be in a place where I can recognise that.

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Little man really enjoying his first solids!!!! These smiles make clearing the awful mess up a lot easier!!!

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I have lost count how many times people have told me a healthy lifestyle is important in depression. When you hate yourself and your days are filled with dread and anxiety the last thing you want to do is eat an apple and go for a run, you want to eat your body weight in chocolate and watch some shit on TV. You want to do it even less when you have a little one because let's be real, who has the time for the gym when you are run ragged with feeds, changes and the rest. Since to my compete and utter frustration little man has decided the push chair is just not his game, I have used a baby sling to get out and about. It's fantastic because it keeps us close and I love how it has strengthened our bond. It is easy just to put him in it, it keeps him completely silent and I can just put some nappies and bottles in my hand bag. Sorted. So now I am getting out and about a lot more, a lot lot of walking. It has completely transformed me in the last week. It has boosted my confidence with little man and has really helped with my anxiety. My tip is I don't even let my mind say I can't be bothered, or what if this what if that. I wake up get us both sorted and get out that door no questions. I have been doing up to three separate walks a day and I can't tell you how much it's calmed him in the evening just going round the block, it really breaks the evenings up as well. I have downloaded "map my walk" app so I know how far I am walking sometimes it's eight miles a day! That was a day where I did a four hour retail therapy session though 😍. Just getting out the house with bubba had made all the difference and I really hope that this is a step in the right direction in my recovery. Walk walk walk. Today's photo is us about to go out for our evening walk after our baths 💙❤️💪🏼🙏🏼

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This is my beautiful son at 3am. I say beautiful through gritted teeth!

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So it is Sunday I thought it was Tuesday!! Days are all a blur with a four month old! So I am starting this new thing to help me which is reflect on the highlights of my week.

1. My new anti depressant started at the beginning of the week and I am already starting to feel better. I hope this keeps up! 2. I think I am finally in tune with my moods and how they work/progress as the day goes on. Pretty much I have to keep myself busy and out with little one. Being stuck in the flat is the worse and I just end up more tired and frustrated that I don’t live in a perfectly clean palace!

It seems that in the morning I feel overwhelmed with anxiety as I don’t know how I will get through the day, then I panic about how I will get through the week, month, year. As I get up and care for Ollie and sort us both out my confidence grows and those feelings go away. This has been the cycle during the week and I actually feel slightly good about myself that I can acknowledge this as it will help battle it all the easier. 3. Chocolate, it’s amazing, I love it, it makes me feel 100000000 times better. 4. Twitter. I only opened an account a couple of weeks ago and I cannot believe the support! I am truly, truly touched by the encouragement and kindness of strangers. There is also a wealth of information and blogs that have made me laugh, cry and not so a lone. 5. The weather, it has been beautiful, means I can stay out for a long time or go out for a bit a few times a day and it completely uplifts my mood seeing the sun shine so bright. With everyone out enjoying it. 6. I haven’t had one self harming or suicidal thought, not one horrible, disgusting, life limiting vulgar thought! I can’t tell you how much my brain has enjoyed the break and freedom of this. Right now I am doing a mini victory dance in my head as I have realised this week it has been a week!!!!!! 7. Writing it all down, this Tumblr blog has helped loads. I know I am a bit fragmented and I am not great at this but it has helped so much in my recovery. Something happens when you get your thoughts out of your head. It’s weird it’s like a relief in a way. Like taking off a really tight top on a boiling day. 8. Coffee and Red Bull. Do I need to say more? 😍 9. My partner has come to visit me and little man and we have had some good, quality, family time out and about with out the suffocating stress of the multi agencies involved in our lives. 10. The Crisis team are seeing me less frequently which feels like a goal in itself. Like I am getting better in some way and they are giving me a bit of my independence back. They seem to think I am improving and for someone else to say that feels amazing. As I am constantly second guessing myself as to what I am doing.

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Wish he would stay in his "I am so happy I have just woken up from a nap" mood all the time!!!!

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Bath time is my new favourite time of day!!

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Bath time!!! 🐳🐋💦💧

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The picture today is of my son and his father. I feel fathers get totally forgotten during the pregnancy, the birth and then the journey afterwards however it may turn out.

Our birth was very traumatic myself and my son were very ill, for my partner looking on this was extremely scary. Then right when it was getting at its worst without any explanation he was kicked out of the theatre and left outside the doors. Without even a seat or a kind word. I think this really needs to change for a partner looking on they must feel helpless and completely full of worry. Not just in a complicated birth but in any birth. It is scary childbirth no matter what your story. The poor Dad just stands there with a hand to hold and someone to swear at but to anyone else invisible.

We are still in the dark ages where women have the baby get all the support and Dads just go out and work earn the money and let Mum get on with the child rearing. At least that is what services seem to think as they are built around that lifestyle. I know no one that has that lifestyle at all.

My postnatal depression has been a very stressful time for my family and difficult. I have support from mental health nurses, health visitor, family support worker. My partner has been offered nothing. I can see him suffering,

and it breaks my heart. I wish that Dad’s were seen as equals and the family was treated as a whole. It still seems to shock people that Dad’s suffer from postnatal depression too! Of course they do! Is it not obvious that this is a possibility, a newborn will of course affect Mum and Dad! I am quite shocked and appalled that my partner hasn’t been offered any support or help because I rely on him more than anyone. He sees me at my worst and he picks up all the pieces left. This is my little rant and my tiny voice saying there needs to be education. Dads need support too!!! Let's not forget them, let's give them a big hug and a massive kiss as a very good friend of mine once said to me. "Anyone can be a sperm donor, it takes a real man to be a Dad." Give them love!

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Bath and bed! #mummybloggers #baby #myson

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Society and Postpartum Depression

Postpartum depression dates back to 700 BC when Hippocrates wrote on the postpartum period and how women had a lot of difficulty in this time. Even though we have been aware of this illness for a long time there is still stigma attached to women suffering. The public is uneducated when it comes to knowing about postpartum depression. Postpartum depression has only recently been recognized as an illness. This leads to many misconceptions about the disease. People often mix up postpartum depression with maternity blues or “the baby blues”. Eighty percent of women experience some type of maternity blues but only fifteen percent of women actually develop postpartum depression. Because eighty percent develop “the baby blues” many people believe that women with PPD can just “snap out of it”. These people do not understand there is a huge difference between having “the baby blues” and having postpartum depression. It takes a much longer time for women suffering from PPD to recover. People see a woman with PPD and think “My wife was pregnant and had the baby blues but was fine within a couple of days. What is wrong with this woman? Why doesn’t she just snap out of it?” These attitudes are harmful to women suffering, as a woman cannot just “snap out of it”. Unlike the maternity blues, it takes medical treatment to recover from PPD. Medical treatment may take a few months or even longer until the mother no longer feels the effects of this disease. The misconceptions people have about this disorder make it much more difficult for the mother to recover. The media often portrays women suffering from postpartum depression incorrectly.  We often hear news stories about women who have “postpartum depression” that are not reported correctly. For instance, in July of 2009 a woman named Otty Sanchez killed her three-week-old infant after hearing voices. News reporters often reported that she was suffering from postpartum depression when in fact it was a case of postpartum psychosis. Postpartum psychosis is very rare, unlike postpartum depression. When the media shows women suffering from postpartum psychosis and labels it as postpartum depression they are doing a lot of harm. This mislabeling of postpartum psychosis as PPD is not uncommon. In a previous entry I described how a medical show called “Private Practice” made the same mistake. In order to end the stigma attached with postpartum depression the media must report on the facts of postpartum depression. When one doesn’t understand something one is likely afraid of it. If the media continues to report on postpartum depression incorrectly than many more people will be misinformed and therefore scared of postpartum depression. Women suffering from postpartum depression today still do not always get the help that they need. Because people do not understand postpartum depression a woman might have her baby taken away permanently as people may fear she will harm it. It is not beneficial to the mother or the baby to be taken away permanently. If treated, women will recover from PPD.  While husbands or loved ones should pay extra attention to the mother and carefully watch over the baby during this period the child should not be taken away. These misconceptions and fear about postpartum depression make it much less likely that a woman will seek help. In order to help women suffering we must educate the public about postpartum depression. Most of the public does not realize how common and how treatable this illness is. Postpartum depression is an illness and should be treated as one. If treated like any other illness such as heart disease then the often under diagnosing of postpartum depression will come to an end.  In order to help women suffering the public must be educated on this illness and only once this education happens will the stigma attached to postpartum depression go away.