live for the love.

the real santa; professional stripper, guitarist, bartender, reindeer-lover.(just an rp)

[lexingtonhale]

I miss you.

[lexingtonhale]

You chose her.

I was going to tell you how I felt, but you chose her.

I knew I shouldn’t have come back.

I left my heart in San Francisco.

Forever and always, right?

[lexingtonhale]

It’s our last day here in San Fran. We’ve done a lot while here, most of it was us staying in bed and cuddling, but we did hit the circus and try new food… Carved our initials in a tree. Cheesy couple stuff, not that we are a couple… yet. I don’t know. I didn’t want this to be our last day, because this is it for me. This, being here with you, it feels like home. I… I made the mistake of asking you to stay here with me. Um… I guess that’s why you seem to be in a rush to pack everything up. I just… I don’t get it. You say that you’re worried about school and your parents back home, but… But we’re in San Francisco. We’re still in the same state as your parents, and… And you can finish school here while I get a job and pay for everything else. I’ve been saving up, I know I have enough to make this work, but I don’t think any of the reasons you gave me were real. I know you know that we’d be fine here on our own together. That we could make this work, but I think that you’re just scared. Too scared that this is getting to real for you. I won’t force you to stay here, but I want you to. I want you to be here with me. Maybe it sounds like it’s moving too fast, moving in together and all, but… I’ve never fell for anyone like this before and I don’t know how to deal with how I feel, but I do know that I could make it work for you. I would do anything for you. I know that I want this and that if you would just let me, it could all be okay. We could be happy like this, but you don’t want to be. I don’t know why, though. I can’t think of why you don’t think you can be fine and happy here. This place is perfect, and maybe I’m being a little unrealistic about getting a job so easily or whatever, but I know that someday it’d be okay. If we just stayed here and we plotted everything carefully, it’d be fine. I just… I don’t want to go back to that place. I don’t matter over there. No one cares if I just up and left. No one has probably even realized that I left. I meant nothing back there. Here, I’m someone. Here with you, I matter. When we’re here, you’re mine. And maybe that’s wrong for me to say, because I don’t own you, but it’s true. These last few days, you gave me nothing but your undivided attention which you’ve barely spared to me these last few weeks. I can’t go back and be alone again. I want to run away here with you. I want to stay here when you make me feel special and needed, and I want to love you. I want to take care of you and make you happy. But you say you’re not ready, so I’ll wait. I’ll wait for you.

[lexingtonhale]

I think I’m falling in love with you.

[lexingtonhale]

I have to pinch myself in order for me to really believe any of this was real. You’re sleeping right now, which makes this a better time than any other to write you another letter. I was gone from school for a few days, because I just needed to think. I feel like I kind of threw everything away for you, not that you know what that means. You’ll probably just assume I’m talking about my relationship with Nick, but that’s not it. That’s not the point either.

We’re in San Francisco right now. After you came to look for me, we kind of let ourselves get carried away and made an impromptu trip here. It’s only the first night, but I feel happier with you asleep in this bed with me, than I have in weeks. I like this. It feels like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. Looking at you right now, you look so serene. I want to kiss you. I won’t, though. Not when I feel like this and you feel like… Not this. I shouldn’t be thinking about how you feel right now. Not that I even know. You’re very confusing… Misleading. You’re mad at me one moment for breaking up with Nick for you, then you’re okay with me again just to tell me you’re starting to like this girl, and now you’re here. Agreeing to pretend that no one exists but us. With you next to me, though… It really feels that way. Just us. Us. You and me. Gus and Lex. The duo. Inseparable. Or used to be, anyways. Ever since I broke up with Nick and realized I wanted to be with you, you’ve been distant. I don’t know if it’s because you know I have feelings for you, or because you’re still mad about Nick punching you, either way… I’m still incredibly sorry. 

I want to wake you… I don’t want to waste any time here. I’m limited on my hours with you. I want you to be awake and I want to look into your eyes. I want to see you smile at me the way you do. The way I’ve never seen you smile at anyone else. At least not yet… I want you, Gus. I want to be with you. Right now. I don’t want to hide it anymore, I want you to know I have feelings for you and I want you to feel it too. I want you to want me the way I want you. I want you to feel the butterflies. I want you to know what it’s like to have your heart stop for a second when we lock eyes. Or when I suddenly stop breathing when you walk into the room. I have tunnel vision for you. It’s like no one else is there. I want to share this feeling with you. It feels so good. I want this, Gus. I do. You have no idea how much. Being here with you, it feels like the world has stopped turning for us. I feel invincible. I can do anything, so long as you’re here by my side. I just need you to stay here. If you want to, that is… I wish you did…

[lexingtonhale]

I was ready. I was going to do it, but no. You had to go on and tell me all about that precious girl you met today. “Sarah” or whatever that perfect, angelic bitch’s name is. Look, I get that I fucking hurt you, but really? Was that fucking necessary? God, I can’t believe that even for a second, I could

I wish you waited.

[lexingtonhale]

I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry that I’ve done this to you. I… I’m so confused about things right now and I don’t know what I’m doing. My feelings are all jumbled and I didn’t mean to drag you into my mess. I know you’ve got a lot to do with it all, but I never meant for it to go down like this. You know how they always say that a girl and a guy can’t be best friends, because someone is bound to get hurt? Yeah, well… No one ever said that about two gay guys being best friends, but I should have known. Everyone goes out of their way to point it out. Claude, Amelia, Nick. Nick, especially. He hates you, Augustus. Literally hates you. I mean, I know you know that now, considering he socked you in the face, but… But he never trusted me when I was with you. He didn’t care when I’d go out with Kyle. Never gave a damn that I still talked to my ex girlfriend who now lives across the country, but the second I said your name, cartoon steam would come out of his ears. He always said how he can’t trust that I’d be faithful to him around you. Every fight we ever had always had some line about me spending so much time with you. I always chalked it up to jealousy, always thought he was wrong. That it was his fault, because you made time for me while he snorted coke in some alley, but it wasn’t. He was right all along. I never gave him the time of day, because I always wanted to be around you. All I ever talked about was you, something funny that you said, what we studied the night before, where we went to have lunch, the new vinyls we just bought at the record store… Nick had every right not to trust me, because all this time, I’ve had a huge crush on you. I just never realized it, but it’s always been there. A part of me knew. Apparently so did everyone else. I just… I like you, Gus. I like you so much. I want to be with you. I know it’s probably a wrong way to start a relationship, after cheating, but… But I want this. I really do. I thought me wanting to keep cheating with you was because Nick wasn’t pleasing me, but in all honesty, I just loved seeing you all worked up because of me. I like making you smile and laugh. I want to give you the world, Gus, but… But you’re mad at me right now. I know it’s my fault that Nick punched you, my fault that you cheated, so I’m sorry. I am. I hope you forgive me…

[lexingtonhale]

We did something so bad and I don’t know how to come back from it. We need to undo this. I don’t know how, but we need to find a way. We did something so, so bad. I… I had a sex dream about you and I came in to apologize, because I know how guilty you felt for masturbating to the thought of me, so I figured you wouldn’t like it if I were to do the same to you, and I just… I went to your room and you were naked and picking up marbles and I don’t know what happened! I don’t know what came over me! It was so stupid, I had no right. Things are so weird between us now. I know I acted like Mr. Cool Guy, just smirking it off and leaving, but NO! This isn’t okay! I am in my room freaking out, because I don’t know what to do! I just jerked off my best friend while I have a boyfriend, and I liked it. Oh my god, this is a mess. This is a huge mess. We’re so fucked. So, so fucked. Well… Maybe not you. I mean you got a free handjob, so it probably felt nice either way, but.. But that didn’t mean you liked it, so I guess it’s just me that’s fucked, because I want to go back there and do it again. I want to run my tongue all over your body and tease you until you’re begging for me to fuck you. I want to kiss your neck, feel your dick. I want to finger you, then eat you out like you’ve never been eaten out before. And then I want to fuck you. I want to fuck you so hard that you’re a screaming mess. I want to see you all sweaty and withering beneath me as I pound hard into you, the headboard banging against the wall. I want to make you cum again, watch as your eyes roll to the back of your head and you grip tight onto the sheets, your back arching and your toes curling and I am so sorry... I don't know what's come over me. I'm sorry for being such a horny teenage mess. But I'm just like any other boy, right? We all go through this. I liked it, because I like sex. We're good, right?

[lexingtonhale]

So, um… Today was… Today was interesting to say the least… Earlier, I stopped by after my club meeting at school to hang out with you. Your mom said you were in your room and it’s not like I haven’t just walked right in before, so I was a bit surprised… I, uh… I was going towards your room and I heard you say my name, so I just kind of assumed you saw me walk up to the porch or something, but boy was I wrong! You were fingering yourself!!! Like not even subtle about it at all! You were way in there, butt naked and… and you were thinking of me?! I mean… I definitely feel horrible about it now. I invaded your privacy, I should have knocked! I know, I’m sorry. But this will be a hoot for 18 year old you and I’ll totally be able to make fun of you for it then. I won’t now, because I genuinely do feel awful about it. I didn’t mean to barge in and embarrass you. You looked absolutely terrified when you saw me standing there. I didn’t mean to run out like I did, because I know that probably made you feel worse, but I freaked out! That wasn’t meant for my eyes (or ears). but I saw (and heard)! It’s not that I mind or am weirded out by it at all, I mean… Whatever gets you off, right? I guess it should be weird, considering you have a boyfriend, but I don’t like River anyways, so it’s cool with  That was stupid. Sorry, not my place to judge River.

I tried to explain to you that it’s no big deal, because it’s not. You can jerk it to whatever you want. Even if it is your best friend. Maybe it’s supposed to be weird, but I really don’t mind it. I mean, hey, I’d be lying if I said it didn’t cross my mind once or twice after seeing that ass in those tights you wore to be Peter Pan in the school play. But to future you, I hope you’re embarrassed about it now, ‘cause it is kinda funny. :)

[lexingtonhale]

WE ACCIDENTALLY KISSED!!!!!! This is totally not letter worthy, but it’s still hilarious and I never want to forget this moment!!!! It wasn’t like a full on make out or anything too bad, but it was enough for me to know that you’re not bad at it. Your lips are just as pillow-y as they look!! Soft too! Tasted like beer and licorice, but wasn’t garlic-y and gross. :) Kissing you is soooo much better than kissing my boyfriend. Little wet, but after the initial shock, it was gentle and nice. Can't stop thinkin In case you forget in the future, we were in the photobooth and on the last picture, we both turned to kiss each other on the cheek, but ended up kissing for real!!ISN’T THAT AMAZING?! Oh god, future us is gonna love this! Here, for safe keeping!!!

[lexingtonhale]

It’s been a very long time since I last wrote you. I still have your other two letters. I’m not sure when I’ll get that to you. Maybe I’ll just keep them all until you graduate and then give it to you as some lame ass gift that you’ll tease me for, but I know you’ll secretly love. :P But that’s all off topic. I’m writing to you again, because well… We’ve become best friends now. Okay, no. We became best friends after a week of meeting, but this time it’s serious. I’ll just recall some of the events that happened, in case you forget within the next four years… heh. Anyways, the fruit roll up incident… Well… There was a fruit roll up that we shared Lady and the Tramp style, which ended in a joke about kissing that made you butthurt? (Still confused on that, but whatever.) You were very moody for the rest of lunch and I didn’t (still don’t) understand why. I tried to ask, because I really hate it when you’re upset, especially if it’s my fault, but you wouldn’t tell me. You practically ignored me all day until school ended and I had to take you home. You were still pretty quiet and it made my stomach churn, because I really don’t like when you’re not your smiley, bubbly self. It makes me really anxious. It’s that about you that make me love being with you. Kind of balances me out, you know? But yeah… You were just quiet and you’re never like that with me, but I didn’t want to pry, so I just told you that I wouldn’t judge you and I’d always be there for you blah blah. Things you should already know by now! SO THEN, you were finally okay again and we ended up going to the beach where we just watched the sunset and practically talked our asses off as usual. I’m not sure how it happened, though, but… By night time, you told me you loved me, and… And I’ve never had that before. I didn’t say it at the time, because I was too caught up in my thoughts, but thank you. I needed that, because… Well because I love you too. You’re my best friend. I’ve never cared so much about someone as much as I care for you (don’t tell Kyle). It’s just different with you. Like we’re meant to be best friends. I haven’t felt love in a long time and I’m not sure if that’s the reason why it feels so different, or if it’s because of you? Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good different, but… I can’t explain it. I just know that you make me feel safe. I’m not scared when I’m around you. I don’t feel so alone anymore. Like I matter. Like there’s finally someone out there who gets it, who knows what it’s like. I love you too, Gus Gus. You’re my rock. Without you, I’d probably still be so miserable. You make me happy and I’m so glad you got in my car that one rainy morning. I’ve never had a friend like this before. A friend that made me feel like I belonged. It’s new and maybe a little scary, but I like it. I just hope you don’t change your mind about me. There’s still so much you don’t know, so much you haven’t witnessed and it scares me, because when you do see all those parts of me… I’m scared you won’t want to stick around anymore. I know I’m not perfect now and I’m pretty asshole-ish, but… There’s a lot more to it all than you think. I don’t know how to tell you. I know I can trust you, that’s obvious now, but I don’t want to lose you. You’ve just barely become someone I’m certain of in my life and I can’t lose another person. Not you. You’re my sun. Forever and always, you said. I really hope you mean that. When the day met the night, right? I just hope that you need me as much as I need you. I want you to need me. It’d make me feel better about me being so clingy. Writing this just makes me miss you. I wish you were here right now. It’s 3am on a school night, so you’re probably sleeping, but even if you were just sleeping on my floor, it’d probably keep from thinking too much about the things I’ve been avoiding. A lot of this never felt real until the beach. I guess I just never believed I was capable of having someone as great as you in my life and have them actually want to stay… My sun… The one who brightens up my day every day.

[lexingtonhale]

I never gave you the first note, because I shoved it in my binder and forgot, but I’ll probably get it to you when I deliver this one. Maybe. I dunno. So hi! I asked you a couple of days ago to see Radiohead with me. You seemed pretty stoked about it, which made me happy. No one else I talk to listens to Radiohead, at least not the way we do, so it’d have been a bummer to go with someone else. I’m really glad you came, though. Really. You made it ten times more fun than it would have been with Kyle or by myself. It was fun to belt out the words with you. I know we just met a few days ago, but I really think you’re awesome. We slow danced and with someone else I barely just met, that would have been extremely awkward, but it wasn’t. It was nice. Really nice. When I got home I couldn’t stop thinking about it. It’s really comfortable hanging out with you. I don’t know why, but I feel like I can trust you easily, which is saying something coming from someone like me. Not sure if you know this, but I’m a pretty quiet guy... I don’t really like to talk to anyone who I’m not already good friends with, but with you it comes naturally. Like I’ve known you forever. It’s nice. I keep saying that, but you have no idea how much something as little as this means to me. This is probably sounding creepy, because we just met and I barely learned your last name yesterday, but... I don’t know. I just... I hope you stick around.

[lexingtonhale]

We met this morning… You know… It was raining and you were stupidly trying to walk to school? Yeah, okay. It took a while to realize that we actually have three classes together, so aside from me driving you to school from now on, we’ll probably be seeing a lot of each other. Lucky for you, eh? Anyways, I tried to talked to you in home room, but Mrs. Gunderson likes to make it look like I actually do stuff as an aide. I don’t. She gave me a stack of papers to grade, but it wasn’t even checking for grammar or anything good like that, it was just making sure that everyone turned in their assignments. That was stupid. Anyways, apparently you live down the street from me and you have for a while, so I’m a little confused as to how we’ve never met before today. I’ll admit I’m pretty blind to everything outside my own little world, but I’m not sure how I missed you. I know you’re tiny and all, but come on… You wear a lavender hoodie and have these bright ass red glasses. You’re like a peacock in a group of chickens, granted that peacocks are much larger than chickens… Well… Okay, maybe you’re a chicken in a group of peacocks. I don’t know what I’m writing anymore. Home room is just killing me. It’s probably killing you more than me, considering that you actually have to do work. Haha, loser. 

Drew you. Sorry that you’re pantsless. Better that way. ;) Just kidding. Anyways, I’m pretty intrigued by you so far. We share my favorite classes. Well… Technically I’m not part of this English one, but you still seem interested enough. Plus, your music taste is impeccable. Even though we just met and it’s kind of forward, blasting “All I Need” on the way to school and singing with you made my morning. Felt freeing and… Comfortable. Am I getting weird? I’m getting weird. Anyways, we should probably hang out more. We probably will, I mean… You’re right across the street from me. Alright, well this letter is getting lame. Hopefully I can get this to you before lunch, or else I’ll change my mind about giving it to you and you’ll never see my cute doodle of you. :( Ah, well… Farewell for now.

[lexingtonhale]

Text || Legustus

Gus: Okay, baby...

Gus: Okay. I'll be there as fast as I can.

Lex: ok.

[lexingtonhale]

Text || Legustus

Gus: I think it makes it understandable why, though. But you're not being sucky...

Gus: Redondo??? What are you doing all the way out there?? Yes???

Lex: Just don't argue, okay?

Lex: Family stuff... I'm there.

[lexingtonhale]

Text || Legustus

Gus: Okay, if you say so.

Gus: I'm not making excuses for you, I'm just telling you I understand that you're going through something. Lex, we're okay. I'm not upset with you, so don't be so hard on yourself.

Lex: Not a reason for me to be sucky, but okay. I'm in Redondo. You know the hospital we used to go to in high school...?

[lexingtonhale]

Text || Legustus

Gus: Why not?

Gus: No, sweetheart, you haven't. You're going through something and I understand that. Please don't make it harder for yourself by feeling guilty about me. It's not about me. I just want to see you and be with you. I'm not mad. I have no desire to yell at you.

Lex: It's fine. I don't need it.

Lex: Don't make excuses for me. I lied and that's a shitty thing to do.