I’m ready for this unbearable ache in my chest to ease up, just the slightest bit. But I don’t see that happening, not for a very long time. I wasn’t expecting to miss her again. I got through it once, I just don’t know if I will be able to get through it again. Not when she was finger tips away.
I want to rip my heart out of my chest so it will at least stop hurting for just a moment. I can’t breathe.
How do you miss someone you haven’t spoken to in so long after talking for just a few hours? Why does it have to hurt so badly. It took about everything in me not to completely break down driving away.
She is such a sweet light. Bright enough to see the world, warm enough to touch your cheeks, and soft enough to hold in your hands.
What a brutal thing it is to love someone so fiercely. To love them enough to know when to stop pursuing because the one important thing to them, could never be the one important thing to you. When all you want is them, but they want an extension of themself so selflessly. And I could never be that for her. It wouldn’t be right. I’m selfish like that I guess.
So I will live with the agony of knowing there is someone out there better for her. Because I could never be everything she desires nor everything she deserves.
I love you. I always have. I always will. You’ll always be my favorite chapter. My favorite memories. My favorite place to land. When you have your family that you desire so much, I hope sometimes you think of me and smile.
I wanted, well still want, to love you and show you how wonderful and beautiful and worthy and strong and powerful and perfect you are. Flaws and all. I want to take the thing you hate most and turn it into something you love.
But that is a wish. And that is all it will ever be.
Until the words are too much to handle and I need somewhere for them to go.
x
