JUST PONDERING THIS THOUGHT

Then, as I looked and thought about it, I learned this lesson: Proverbs 24:32

[lhansler]

Exhausting

Yesterday I allowed everything to come to a head. Let me be first to say “today I am not strong”. By the time night hit, I was pretty much an emotional mess! I have a friend going through Chemo and fighting her own battle, yet just yesterday morning we checked in with each other and she made a comment about how “even when my body doesn’t cooperate, I try to keep my spirits up” which is absolutely an important part of this journey. God must have known I needed that foresight for yesterday and today.

I am tired in so many ways: physically (I can’t stay awake lately), and pain itself is wearing. mentally- being in pain pretty much 24/7 gets to me - this wasn’t how I planned my life. spiritually- though I know God has the last word and I really don’t believe that He’s done with me, being so depleted in so many ways, at times I question even that until He fills me again with His refreshing peace. All those leads me to being so emotionally tired.

Sometimes it feels like I take one step forward followed by two steps back. I try to focus on the positive steps, but to hear my oncologist say she’s concerned that I’m not responding well to the treatment shot me down a little. Okay, quite a bit. However, she doesn’t know my body like my Creator does.

I so badly want to get beyond this phase and be able to run again and workout. For that matter, I just want to want to go on a walk again! I want to wake up or go to sleep pain free. I want my oncologist to be encouraged by what she sees and in turn encourage me. I want to feel like doing the things I love rather than manage pain and sleeping so much. I want to be able to go to work and accomplish all the things waiting for me there.

I am, once again, very aware how much we take for granted: breathing that’s not labored, feeling good, enjoying food (rather than trying to keep something down), being able to work out, and really just how easy things are . . . In a healthy person.

After having an emotional breakdown yesterday over something as stupid as food orders getting messed up today is a new day. I did not do well with staying ahead of the pain until Chris insisted on another ER visit. It didn’t take much convincing as the pain was as bad as it’s ever been. I arrived here completely exhausted, after getting the pain under control, they decided to keep me while they wait the results of a few tests.

I have many conversations with God. As discouraging as things seem at times, He is in control and I know there is purpose for everything. Honestly, the pain cycle has been exhausting as I end up in the ER to get hydrated again and pain back to bearable. I wish I could go back and not take everything for granted - especially relationships. So thankful that I am NOT doing this alone. Thank you, both family and friends who have been so kind, loving and supportive! Someone sent me a big box of gifts with notes attached so that when I’m feeling down to reach for one. So much thought and care went into this! Most of all, thank you for teaching me to be a better friend and how to support others in need. Thank you for walking with me on this journey ❤️

[lhansler]

Journey

It’s become very apparent that we can “do all the right things” but ultimately we have very little control of our fate. We think we’ll increase our odds of living a longer, and having a healthier life by making healthy choices. Two years ago when my oncology team was mapping out my treatment plan, each additional treatment I did would decrease the odds of breast cancer coming back. So, being a good patient, I agreed to a very aggressive Chemo treatment, bilateral mastectomy, radiation, and then a long term hormone treatment to block hormones for the next 10 years.

Two years after radiation, cancer poked its ugly head and not near as kind to me as last time. I now understand what “cancer pain” feels like and pray that anyone reading this who has not experienced it will ever have to be enlightened in this area! I’ve gone from never taking medicine for a headache to taking pain pills nonstop. The pharmacy now knows my husband really good since he is there everyday picking up, yet another prescription for me. And the only place I get to go is on a walk (which sometimes is strongly encouraged by Chris) or to the doctors office. I have worked the best I can from home (which hasn’t been very good) because I have a wonderful family support who has given much grace during this season.

I was talking with a friend the other day about this journey. I saw a new Glassybaby called “Journey” which the description reads, “ up the mountain, over the sea, searching hidden truth. Finally, the journey leads to silent light inside of you.” I try to take a day at a time and not go too far into the future. I told my friend I don’t want to do this horrible journey and not allow it to be part of something good. It’s too easy to succumb, at times, to pain and not be able to focus on anything else but that. My biggest prayer is that there will be something good come from this journey or this was all for nothing. There’s so much life I still want to share with many loved ones and family members - including grandkids that haven’t been born yet. What I do know is I have a good and powerful Father who Loves me.

As I sat at home and listen to church online Sunday I was reminded how powerful a spirit of gratitude is. The last few nights I’ve been going to bed and fell asleep thanking God for all that He’s done, yet to do, and the many promises He has given us. Remembering the scripture that it is with Thanksgiving we enter His gates and we enter His courts with praise. It is much better for my soul to focus on the goodness of God rather than pain.

The last couple weeks have been pretty rough going in and out of ERs to get rehydrated after not being able to keep anything down. However, we’ve been touched by many of you with such sweet cards, beautiful flowers, meaningful gifts, meals, and prayers. It’s very clear that I’m not going through this alone, instead so many of you are in this journey with me.

I received that “Journey” Glassybaby from my friend the next day. It is such a symbol of this journey and how we’re not meant to do it alone. I can’t begin to express how thankful I am for so many who share this journey with me.

[lhansler]

Continuing to Trust

After weeks of diminished lung capacity, wheezing, mid body aches, draining fluid off my lungs, I finally got the call I hoped I’d never get, “you have stage 4 metastatic breast cancer”. After a week of adapting to my latest diagnosis, I try to take “one day at a time sweet Jesus” as my mom in law would say. The same God who was faithful to get me through the last round continues to be with me and promises to never leave me or forsake me and only He can heal at this point, which He is totally capable of doing!

I am reminded that every day is a gift, every breath is not taken for granted, and once again, so very thankful for friends that pray and believe for healing. I cried when my daughter’s in-laws showed up at our door with flowers, when my friend sent me beautiful Farmgirl Flowers, cards sent in the mail and love just being around my family when I’m not feeling well.

It’s so easy to lose perspective of what’s really important, but there isn’t anything more important than spending time with those you love and being thankful for today since none of us are guaranteed tomorrow.

I’m so thankful for those of you who have faithfully prayed for me and covet your continued prayers!

[lhansler]

Naked and exposed

After my last surgery I, once again, found my skin so dry and scaly. I was commenting on this to a friend when she replied “you should go to the Korean spa, they really do a nice job of scrubbing your skin and getting all the dead skin cells off”. To this I replied, “Wait, is this the naked spa?! Uh, no, not going there”. My reasons were a mile long but bottom line I’m somewhat of a private person and didn’t really want to show my imperfections to anyone. Though I’m so very thankful for the reconstruction opportunity given me, I’m very self conscious about “my privates” and how imperfect they are especially after a recent surgery. My friend said, “how about if I go with you? It’s always easier with a friend.”

I love her heart, she saw my struggle and insecurities and wanted to “hold my hand” sort of speak through this struggle of insecurity, and for that I’m so grateful. Honestly though, my reaction inwardly was that I didn’t want her to see me. “She’s beautiful, has the perfect body - it wasn’t even just about my deformed, partially reconstructed breasts. I wasn’t perfect”. To my horror somehow this became a group thing with four of us! I desperately wanted the skin treatment but did I really have to parade my naked body and expose all of my imperfections to my friends? I mean, I try so hard to hide those imperfections through my clothes - there is no hiding it at the “naked spa”! Did I mention two of these women were fitness instructors?!!

One of the gals reminded us that our bodies are just vessels. I’m not taking this body with me when I leave this earth and it shouldn’t be our bodies that define us. It’s just a body and we all come in different shapes and sizes. Another, with the rock hard solid body, tried to attribute her body to genetics. This was very kind, and though, while she may have inherited some great genes, she works her butt off and her body is a result of hard work. Yet, she didn’t consider herself better or make me feel less of a person for my more “softer” body. These women sat there, presoaking, and built each other up. That’s how it should be. Sometimes I get so caught up in my own insecurities that I fail to realize the person sitting across from me might have insecurities of their own. I was reminded the importance of making others feel valued, not for what they look like or what they may have accomplished, but for who they are.

I remember before I started chemo, someone came up to me at my mom’s funeral and said “remember, your hair doesn’t define you”. Oh but it did! I’ve never hidden the fact that the hardest thing about cancer was losing my hair. Throughout my treatment she faithfully encouraged me in so many ways and has become so dear to me. She was right though, we let things define us that aren’t who we really are.

So here I found myself at THE NAKED SPA; not with complete strangers that I’ll never see again ….. but with my friends! They will now see all my imperfections: dimples in my skin, scars on my unmatched breasts and swelling still from my surgery. I love how when we were sitting in the hot tub together, soaking before our treatments, one of the gals showed us her scars; one from a hysterectomy, another from another surgery, and other trophies that marked significant events in her life. “These are our battle wounds”, I thought. Every body shows a roadmap of events in their life. We can either let it scar us or allow them to be a reminder of our victories.

That day I grew in many ways, including growing closer to my friends; we were all exposed, no pretense, not even makeup. It didn’t matter what size or shape we were - we were just people. Much to my surprise, I didn’t feel judged by them but embraced. I grew in vulnerability as well. After all , I was laying in a table completely naked and exposed and this didn’t seem to phase the women scrubbing us from head to toe! Not ever having experienced this kind of skin treatment I was surprised at how natural it was for the Koreans to take care of their fellow females, and not just those getting the treatments. You’d see them in between customers scrubbing each other because that’s what they do. We can all probably do a better job taking care of our sisters or brothers!

I wrote this several months ago and never posted this because it seemed unfinished. It wasn’t until I shared this story with a group of women at a “She is” conference. My first point was “she is real” and shared this naked and exposed story. How nice it was to have a group of friends that care so much for each other and offer a safe place to where we can be real. Where did we ever get the idea that we’re suppose to be perfect and the pressure to present ourselves that way? I’m thankful for the women in my life that are honest about where they’re at and don’t feel like they have to pretend to be “perfect” - it inspires me to be more like them and offer that honesty to others, to be a safe place.

[lhansler]

Strength for Today, Bright Hope for Tomorrow

August 26, 2021

I put off as long as I could getting up this morning.  I knew as soon as I got up I’d be going out for a run, something that I use to enjoy that has become not as enjoyable.  It’s hard, I don’t run as fast as I use to and frankly I’m embarrassed. This morning I laid in bed mapping out where I’d run and focusing on changing my mindset. Instead of thinking about how hard it is since cancer, remembering how fortunate I am to be alive and that I can run, my lungs might not be full capacity yet, but they are getting stronger.

Finally, I pried myself out of bed, put on my clothes and headed out.  The first mile is always the hardest, but focusing on my blessings rather than the difficulties, slowing down when I needed, and telling myself that eventually it will get easier and faster.

When I got back, I made myself a cup of coffee, and turned on some worship music.  I was reminded how much of a difference it makes on what we listen to; not just outwardly, but inwardly.  The songs that came on were so much of a reminder (not that I need to be reminded!) of God’s faithfulness, and I could feel my perspective shifting even more. So much to be thankful for.  Once again, the power of thankfulness and focusing on the goodness all around began to change my perspective.  Are there going to be difficulties?  Yes.  But I am never alone.

I was watching a TV show last week and heard this great quote from a doctor, “Everybody wants a life without pain, they need to remember it’s there for a reason”. We may not always understand why we’re going through things, but I have a Father Who does.  He can be trusted to carry us through it and in turn we become stronger as a result.  Just as with any form of exercise, it’s not always easy, but the pain will result in more endurance and a stronger body.  I really didn’t want to go through cancer and dealing with the treatment, but I was flooded with support from so many.  God gave me so many pictures of what He was doing inside of me during this time.  The toxic Chemo going in me to “kill” cancer cells and other cells, was a picture of Him removing all the negative things in my life and giving me a fresh start.  My hair falling out was a picture of being stripped of everything.  My hair growing back was a sign of new growth happening.  

Today I have a friend who had yet another biopsy to determine what kind of cancer she has. Such a hard journey, but God gives us grace for the season and sees us through.  Please pray for my friend as she begins this journey.

[lhansler]

The still small voice

“Go out and stand before me on the mountain,” the Lord told him. And as Elijah stood there, the Lord passed by, and a mighty windstorm hit the mountain. It was such a terrible blast that the rocks were torn loose, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake there was a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire there was the sound of a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave. And a voice said, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

‭‭1 Kings‬ ‭19:11-13‬ ‭NLT‬‬

This passage reminds of a time, fairly recently, that I was worried about so much. I longed for a big sign or expression from God to nobody, including myself, could deny His deity. It’s in those times I go back to this passage. So often we look for something “big” or “spectacular” to define God’s move, but maybe He simply wants us to quiet our soul so that we can actually hear God speak. A whisper is sometimes more powerful than the shout - How awesome is it to be trusted with God’s secrets to a

Victorious life in the midst of chaos?

Time and time again we’ve taken the “big” acts of God and turn it into a blueprint as the “move” of God when in actuality it’s been those times of “hiding” in a cave that I’ve felt and heard Him more deeply than ever. The whisper penetrates my heart in the midst of brokenness and transforms me. That is a powerful move of the Holy Spirit!

[lhansler]

Missed

A couple weeks ago, on a run through the trails, I noticed out of the corner of my eye a beautiful view of the mountain; one I had not particularly noticed before. I almost missed it, and then I wondered, “how many times do we almost miss something spectacular?” Things like:

Missed opportunities

Missed appointments

Missed promptings

Missed “understandings”

It is so easy to see the things right in front of us, but I’ll admit, I even miss those at times! I recognized at that moment I can be so focused on one thing that there is much I miss around me. I heard a friend talk about a situation where there was so much blame going on at various people for the place they now found themselves. Yes, perhaps others could have been more careful, diligent, and protective, maybe, but bottom line is we often find ourselves in places we didn’t choose, and never a surprise to God. After our pity party and tantrums, if we can pause long enough to hear God’s voice through all the noise and turmoil, we just might be surprised of the spectacular view He wants to show us.

I was so thankful for those who reached out to me when I first got diagnosed with Cancer; people I had lost contact with. You don’t realize how much you have missed a relationship until they resurface again. I’ll always remember the words of one who said “I don’t know what happened, and it doesn’t matter”. Misunderstanding and offences can keep us from great relationships and wasted years.

As I write this we are sitting in the plane headed home from our long awaited trip to Hawaii. We had a wonderful trip planned to my absolute favorite place in Hawaii .....and then I got diagnosed with cancer 3 weeks before we were to leave. We cancelled because at that time I knew I couldn’t enjoy it like I wanted. Things weren’t the same as they would have been two years ago. For starters, we wouldn’t have had to where masks everywhere and there would be more open at the resort, including the live music and restaurants. I almost allowed myself to be really disappointed but then looked around and reminded myself it was still beautiful, it was still fun (we’re with my brother and his wife and that’s always fun!), AND I’m alive.

Being that my word for this year is “intentional” I am constantly reminding myself to recognize misunderstandings for what they are: misunderstandings, usually not reality. Not to be held captive by my mind that rehashes only half truths and to try to think the best of others rather than revert back to skepticism. Whether it’s a beautiful scene, a loved one, once in a life opportunity, or a chance to say something kind to someone who may be (unbeknown to me) hurting, I don’t want to miss it.

[lhansler]

Thorn in our flesh

“Even though I have received such wonderful revelations from God. So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud. Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.”

‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭12:7-9‬ ‭NLT‬‬

This verse has been speaking to me all week. Many know that two years ago I was just starting chemo. Now, I’m almost done with reconstruction! Every six months I go up to Seattle for CT scans to check the spots that have shown up on my lungs, kidney, liver, and pancreas. And for two years they have been “stable” which is good. I’ve been told that many of us have these spots but don’t know it because they don’t get CT scans ..... I am a lumpy person. 😂. Most the time these lumps never change. This time the spots on my pancreas (which anything on my pancreas makes me gasp a little) was labeled as IPMN’s, much like the polyps one would find in their colon during a colonoscopy. The difference is you don’t just go and remove something in your pancreas because you don’t want to upset it. I will admit, though I have so much to be thankful for, all I could think of was the possible time bomb inside me.

After digesting things, I am once again reminded it is God who holds my life in His hands and He can be trusted! I was reminded of a recent conversation I had with a co-journeyer in the cancer battle; of replacing her own “C” word with the word “gift”. When we hear “you have cancer” there is so much that goes though your mind.... and that of your families. She couldn’t say the “C” word, which I can totally relate to! She chose to see it as a gift because of all that God has done within her during this process. We pray the prayer that Jesus prayed, “if it is your will, take this cup from me, but not my will, but yours”. After sorting through things, I choose not to worry about the spots on my pancreas, or any other spots but instead see them as a gift.

On our family hikes I’ve been known to plow to the top, to get to the destination while others want to stop and enjoy the beauty! “Have they not noticed how beautiful it is at the top?” I wonder. Some of us just want to get to the destination while others want to enjoy the journey. Just incase I ever take for granted the journey He has me on, this is to remind me our journey never ends and that my eyes are on the destination while also enjoying the journey.

So today I choose to be thankful for the “thorn” (I renamed as “gift”) that is there to keep me having to put all my trust in the One that can be trusted, lest I ever go on my merry way and forget just Who is in control. His grace is sufficient for me, when I am weak, He is strong!

[lhansler]

2021

Two years after my diagnosis and today I found myself anxious to get up and go on a run. I just wanted to see how far I could run without having to stop. Though I was tired this morning, I finally got out of bed and put on my running clothes and turned on my running playlist; a list filled with the worship songs that both inspired me during treatment and would push me to keep my pace up. How good it felt to be out in the trails and able to run. Today I felt stronger than I have in a couple years! Even my physical therapist noted I was doing good enough to scale down to only once a week! So much gratefulness filled my heart this morning; strength returning to my body, a beautiful part of the country I get to live in, and a God carries me through every situation.

I was reminded that we can take care of our bodies the best we can and trust God, but only He knows what tomorrow holds; whether that’s cancer or COVID. We’re not promised a perfect life because we follow Christ, but He does promise to “never leave us or forsake us”. Though we would never choose to travel down some of our difficult roads, we also wouldn’t trade the value that comes out of the journey with God leading the way. I was reminded I can live my life the best I can and love my Lord, but doing so is no guarantee from difficult times. God doesn’t promise us a life with no problems but He does promise to walk with us through every season, both good and bad.

As I was running (well you’d have to call it jogging cause my speed is not up no where near where it was a couple years ago) I came across a spot I often run or walk on; it’s a stepping stone spot that I love. I know which foot I need to start on to make it the most smooth. This particular morning the stones were a little wet and I came to a stone that made me question the stability of my shoe on and in a moment filled with fear that perhaps I’d slip off that rock, I placed my foot on the ground, causing me to “skip a beat”, ever so brief. I continued to run through the trails (slow or not, it still felt like a run 😂). A few yards past, I was struck how a moment of fear can cause us to skip a beat and disrupt what we’re doing . . . So much that I had to go back and take the picture of the distraction!

This is a new year, we don’t know what this year will hold, but I do know who holds my future and because of that I don’t need allow fear to cause me to ”skip a beat” and continue on the path God has set for me. The path may look different than how I thought it might look but the one leading it can be trusted.

Another moment of thankfulness: for the first time in two years I actually thought it might be time to get back in touch with my running coach and try work on that speed again!

Happy New Year - whatever it might bring us❣️

[lhansler]

Silver Lining

Today is surgery number two of my reconstruction surgeries, hopefully just one more after this. Even though it was cold yesterday, it was so beautiful as we enjoyed one more walk.

And today, as we left for the hospital, the mountain was out to greet us once again!

Just a shower today, no makeup, but thanks to my daughter I get to show up to the hospital in designer sweats 😂

Though I wouldn’t choose to have to have so many surgeries (this will be the 4th surgery over the last year and a half) when else would I actually have the opportunity to rearrange my body fat?!!! I’ve always joked about taking some fat from “here” and moving “there”, but now I actually get to do it! So today I get to say goodbye to some hips and I’m not gonna lie, kind of happy about that 😂. This is the silver lining of breast cancer!

I’m so thankful for my friends and family that have been so supportive - even offering up their own body fat for me 🤣. Thank you for all the help that’s been offered, more importantly, your prayers! I am blessed. And now, I’m going to take a little nap!

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭8:28‬ ‭NLT‬‬

❤️ Lisa

[lhansler]

Waiting for the Smoke to Clear

Living in the Pacific NW, this last week I have realized that I have always taken our clean air for granted.  It has been a week and a half since we’ve been able to go on one of our beautiful trails, run outdoors, or do any activity outdoors, for that matter.  With the pandemic we’ve done a lot of patio sitting at restaurants, but with all the wildfires going on up and down the west coast, we are forced to stay inside.  What little bit of summer we have has been eaten up by poor air quality outside.  What would normally be a beautiful day has looked like a foggy fall day, except the temperatures have been in the mid 70os  to mid 80os.  

I remember when the year changed from 2019 to 2020 how welcomed this new decade was!  Who would have ever thought that we would be struck with a global pandemic – something my generation hasn’t really experienced.  If that wasn’t enough, now we have the west coast on fire, the east coast bracing for 4 different hurricanes!  This year has forced us to find new ways of doing things; online school, online church, zoom meetings and working from home.  It has forced us to stop and rest.  Though there are some things that we haven’t been able to do, we have had the opportunity to slow down.

 Psalm 23

A psalm of David.

1 The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. 2     He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, 3     he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths     for his name’s sake. 4 Even though I walk     through the darkest valley,[a] I will fear no evil,     for you are with me; your rod and your staff,     they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me     in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil;     my cup overflows. 6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me     all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord     forever.

 Whenever he leads me to those “green pastures” and “still waters” I am refreshed, that is when I take time to appreciate the forced rest. He never disappoints.

[lhansler]

Amazing Grace

This is the eve before the surgery I’ve been, not so patiently waiting for:  the reconstruction of my mutilated breast.  Last July I had a bilateral mastectomy right after 4 months of Chemo. After the mastectomy I was treated to 33 radiation treatments covering the left breast, and three different sets of lymph nodes.  Honestly, I didn’t even know there were so many sets of lymph nodes.  Needless to say I was well radiated.  

After radiation I had to wait at least 6 months before the final reconstruction.  For those of you, like me, who may not know how this works, during the mastectomy surgery, after everything is taken out “expanders” are placed in to save the skin.  A few weeks after the mastectomy, I went into the plastic surgeon’s office to begin expanding the expanders with fluid.   It takes several visits to do this because you can only do a little bit at a time so the skin isn’t stretched too quickly.  

Also, I found out, the reason for having to wait six months after radiation is because radiation is like cooking things in a microwave; it keeps cooking for six months.  This was certainly true in my case as my skin on the left side continued to get tighter and tighter, and thinner and thinner.  The last couple months has been a lot about babying that skin and keeping cotton balls over several spots that have been wanting to break through.  

So that is a quick education on what can be involved in having a mastectomy where one elects on trying to reconstruct the breast.

Earlier this year I was asked the question: “Were you mad at God when you were first diagnosed with breast cancer?”.  I immediately answered “no”.  Actually, I felt like I deserved this because I had allowed disappointment turn to anger.  As strange as it may sound, this diagnosis saved me.  I was reminded that God isn’t silent.  So many times when we are bearing pain, we so badly just want to know that God sees us.  I was no exception.  

In the first part of February last year, God reminded me that He still had a plan for my life, that He loved me and has not forgotten me.  The verse that rings in my ear is 2 Timothy 2:13 “If we are unfaithful, he remains faithful, for he cannot deny who He is.”  When I look in the mirror and see the mutilation of my breast it is a reminder of God’s faithfulness and His amazing grace.  Even though I have an amazing plastic surgeon, things will never be the same and this is a gift.  I have a constant reminder of God’s faithfulness to me.  This season has certainly been a gift.  I will admit, I didn’t want to have to endure the pain to “experience that which I would not experience without having to go through this” (said by others who’ve been down this road).  I am so thankful that now every time I look in the mirror, I am reminded of a God that is faithful.  I see His amazing grace.

[lhansler]

Grace

A year ago my birthday was also celebrating being finished with Chemo! This year I celebrate having checked off a surgery and radiation as well. Hopefully in a month I will begin to start the reconstruction process.

Though it seems as if I’ve aged ten years this last year, I am so thankful for all that God has done. One of my Glassybabies, “grace” is particularly special to me. Every time I look at it I am flooded with emotion as I ponder the many blessings that have been poured down on me; many from some of those reading this, but all, ultimately from God. Such grace and goodness, I don’t deserve, but this is why it’s called “grace”: unmerited favor.

The passage God kept giving to me - and still does, and so I claim it daily is this:

“Let all that I am praise the Lord; may I never forget the good things he does for me. He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases.

He fills my life with good things. My youth is renewed like the eagle’s!”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭103:2-3, 5‬ ‭NLT‬‬

https://www.bible.com/bible/116/psa.103.2-3,5.nlt

The moments when fear tries to creep in I remember and proclaim this passage. When I am weak, He is strong. And when I’ve been frustrated and have felt abandoned I realize I was never alone. I pray this passage is as much as a gift to those who read this as it is to me.

Today ...... well actually yesterday as it is well into the next day now, I reflect on my greatest gift. So thankful that my God still has plans for me, has never left me, and fills my life with good things.

Grace

[lhansler]

Grateful for the Little Things

While I don’t like what’s going on in the world and fear seems to be rampant among people, evidenced by the run on the stores, I am forced to slow down and even get to sleep in on some mornings. I would really just love to go to Target and pick up some more of my favorite bubble bath, but at the same time, thankful that I have enough. It bothers me that some need to take so much toilet paper that now we have to get to the stores early if we have any hopes of finding any, but at the moment I do not need to worry about that.

I’m thankful that the timing of this whole “Coronavirus” came during a trip to Puerto Vallarta where there wasn’t a care in the world there, except for the fact that those of us from the US and Canada kept hearing about the bare shelves at the stores and panic stricken people rushing into the stores. Fortunately I had a Costco pack of toilet paper in the garage already! Now most businesses are shut down. I pray for the small businesses and try to think of ways we can help them. I was fortunate to be able to see my dad right when we got back from vacation but since that time he’s been on lockdown. I hate the fact that we can’t go see him or take him out but I am so thankful for FaceTime where we can see him everyday and talk to him that way at least, I think that brightens up both of our days!

It’s hard not to get to hug those we love and keep “social distance” but we are finding creative ways to get together. Today I am attending a “happy hour” via Facebook messenger. I’m laying in bed and thinking “I should make banana bread with my ripe bananas for happy hour 😂”

I shudder to think what this would be like to be going through cancer treatment this year rather than last year. While I’m grateful that this didn’t happen last year, my heart is with those who are getting their treatments now. I pray for those patients and that they can get the treatments needed AND be protected from this virus. And though we miss our moms, we are so grateful they aren’t around for this because they wouldn’t understand (in their dementia state) why nobody is coming to see them or why they can’t go anywhere.

I know I repeat myself, but I’m so grateful to get to live someplace where we love to be. I never get tired of the views on our walks and consider them all a gift from God. It’s times like this where we have to be diligent and look for the good and be thankful for that, however small it might be. Gratefulness has a way of making those little rays of light brightening up the whole day.

[lhansler]

What if We See This as a Gift?

I remember people telling me early on in my cancer journey things like “I experienced so much because of this that I wouldn’t have otherwise experienced”. Inside I was screaming “I think I’ll be ok not experiencing those things”. Who, in their right mind, chooses pain and suffering as a higher education course? As I think back over my life, it is in those times I’ve had the most growth. I try to convince God that I’ve learned enough and that I don’t need any more “growth classes” but He doesn’t seem to buy that! 😂.

What if we saw the circumstances we find ourself in as a gift rather than a curse? Though cancer certainly felt like a curse, it was a gift. A gift that wasn’t wrapped up in a pretty package but rather unwrapped me. In so many ways I felt like an onion being peeled apart. Maybe losing my hair was a visual picture for me to be able to see what was happening on the inside. I was being stripped of many things I took for granted: health, energy, independence, and life as I knew it. As I’ve stated before, the biopsy doctor was wrong when he said this would just be a speed bump. It was more like a hurdle that would forever change my life, but change can be good. I now put sleep as a priority, realizing that the 3-5 hours of sleep I was settling for at night wasn’t enough, I see every day as a gift, frankly, I see everything as a gift. I don’t think a day goes by where I don’t thank God for the place He moved us too before all hell broke loose. Really, cancer was a wake up call that saved my life - one that drove me deep into my Father’s arms.

So now we find ourselves in the midst of “Covid-19” where we try our best to practice social distancing. Restaurants, bars, coffee shops are closed, with the exception of take out .... for now. Hair salons, nail spas, and other “luxury” services are closed, services we take for granted. Many are working from home. Some have enough toilet paper to last a year! It is in times like this Psalm 23 rings in my ear:

“The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need. He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.” NLV

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As we hunker down at home may we see it as a gift to get rest and spend more time with our family. Though our kids are all in there own homes, our son, Johnathan, sent us all Switches (game system) and the game “Animal Crossing” so we could visit each other’s villages and still be connected if we get quarantined. 😂. This too, some may call a “speed bump” but I believe will forever change us and how we do things. We’ll find out more creative ways to accomplish those things that need to get done. But today .... I slept in. All my scheduled appointments today have been cancelled and I’m choosing to see the forced rest as a gift.

[lhansler]

Goodbye 2019, Goodbye to a decade!

Feeling old, I tried to sleep through the new year celebration. It has been a year I’m very much happy to leave behind. Actually, it’s been one of those decades! Sure, there were some good things, but the good seemed to get crowded out. I ended the year going to my moms gravesite for the first time since she was buried, on our anniversary, the anniversary of her death and the anniversary of when my breast cancer journey began. Though I missed my mom, this year she was probably more help for me in that great big cloud of witnesses we hear about in Hebrews:

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.”

‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭12:1‬ ‭NLT‬‬

A friend of mine gave me a great image for this new year that the Lord gave her: “2020 is a time to fly with the Eagles.” I receive that and pray that over all my family and friends. 2019 was so hard for soooo many. The whole last decade was hard! This is a new year, a new decade, a new season. I loved the fireworks going off in our neighborhood last night. It was a reminder to me that this neighborhood is a gift and there is much to celebrate.

So I’m putting on my warm clothes, going out for a run in the wind to visualize that race we’re all running. Praying for renewed strength this year for all of us.

“But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.”

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭40:31‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Happy new year, new decade, new chapter to all! ❤️

[lhansler]

Thanksgiving

Last night as I climbed into bed around midnight, so technically, it was Thanksgiving Day already, a sigh of relief hushed out. I was immediately overcome with thankfulness for my mom. She taught me to get everything done the night before Thanksgiving so that the only thing really needing to be prepared still would be mom’s famous Orange Bowknots, which have to be done fresh in the morning! The turkey was cooking, all the side dishes prepared, potatoes peeled, and the kitchen clean. I remember many times calling mom and asking her for various recipes or how to do something. Those calls slowly faded over the last few years as we had to start reminding mom of her own recipes.

This morning as I was shaping the Orange bowknots I remembered so many times of my mom showing me how to roll out the dough and shaping them into knots, and art of just the right balance of oil and flour. I can’t help but think of mom all throughout this holiday. She taught me everything I know. Today I really miss her, but I’m so thankful for her. I wish we could share this holiday; first Thanksgiving in our new home, but she is all around.

I did ask God to find my mom and tell her how thankful I am for her. Happy Thanksgiving Mom! You, John & Phyllis are having a great feast where you are but still very much a part of us ❤️