Pre-Gamer:
Dougie: I gotta say, knowing the song is about cake, it kinda ruined it for me.
Strome: So I’ve been thinking about that. I think maybe his version was about cake, but once the guys in Van Halen – who I’ve been reading about, by the way, and I’m quite intrigued, especially the former singer, a one David Lee Roth – he was cool and had tons of women, I need to do more research on him – but anyway – I think once Sammy Hagar got a hold of the song and Coach was out of the picture, Sammy made it about sex. I think we need to focus on the line: "It’s all sex without love." I think that’s key to –
Cappy: Nah, that ain’t it. Well, the original line was, "This great taste was made with love," but Sammy always changed shit. Let’s focus on the game.
JT: Yes, let’s do that.
Cappy: You done?
JT: Well….yeah.
Cappy: Great. Oh – the techno music, man. What is that?
JT: It gets me in the zone.
Cappy: You trying to be a DJ? Gonna call you DJ Former Johnny. Or DJ Buzzkill. Not sure which I like better. Let’s take a vote.
JT: No, we don’t need to….come on.
Cappy: Hickey – count ‘em up while I do the pregamer.
Clutterbuck: PREGAMER’S STARTING! SHUT UP!
KO: FOCUS!
Clutterbuck: SHUT UP! PREGAMER!
KO: LET’S ROCK THE VOTE PEOPLE! DEMOCRACY IN ACTION!
Clutterbuck: SHUT UP!
Cappy: OK, first things first. Since it’s pretty obvious we ain’t gonna finish first –
JT: I don’t know that it’s obvious.
Cappy: It’s obvious, John. But it ain’t a big deal. No one really cares where we finish – though I’m gonna miss those free hot dogs, boys. However, I had a meeting with Garth last night and we renegotiated. I gave up the 1/2 off pahking – I’ll just carpool with Johnny for the next seven years. With that bargaining chip in my sleeve, I was able to finagle free hot dogs and fountain soda with each series we win. If we win it all, I also get a free dessert. I lost sleep over it last night, boys. Churros by Gate 6 or the Cracker Jacks.
Cizikas: Wow. That’s a hard choice…I love them both.
Cappy: Me too, Casey. Me too. Way I see it we need to sweep the post season to maximize value. So four games in the first round, four games in the second round and then the final is what, one game?
Dougie: It’s also a best of seven, so we’d need to win four.
Cappy: Seven or four?
Dougie: It’s a best of seven – so you need to win four.
Cappy: Butchie?
Butchie: It’s a basic premise of physics, Howie. If you have an odd number, like 7, the first whole number over the half way mark would indicate the number of wins to take the series. Whereas we posit that 3.5 is the mid point of seven, 4 would naturally be the next whole number.
Cappy: Thank you! Why couldn’t you say that?
Dougie: Didn’t really know I needed to.
Cappy: OK, so four in the first round, four in the next round, four to win the Stanley Cup –
JT: You’re missing a round there.
Cappy: This is gonna take forever. OK, so four rounds of four….Butchie?
Butchie: 289.15.
Cappy: OK, 289.15 games, boys. That’s gonna take like …2 weeks – at least. We need to do it in one.
Dougie: I think it should be 16.
Cappy: Butchie?
Butchie: My bad, I was converting to Kelvins. Me and Denny Potvin used to convert things to Kelvin all the time, then Clark Gillies would come in and break our faces and call us all sorts of names, Howie. He hated conversion factors, whoa boy. He used to say that Mike Bossy only scored so many goals cause they measured him in Kelvins. That’s not true, but the way. Mike Bossy scored goals cause that’s what Mike Bossy did, Jiggs.
Hickey: OK – votes are in: DJ Former Johnny got 16 votes. DJ Buzzkill got 34 votes. CHIPPYLEGOSHARKDINOSAURMEGALASER got 1 vote Stop Trying To Take My Job Just Score Goals got 1 vote. And also a vote for a scribble I can’t make out and another for Boobies.
Strome: That was me.
Hickey: Right. So I guess DJ Buzzkill wins it.
Cappy: Dammit. I gotta admit I was hoping for DJ Former Johnny.
Hickey: Then why did you vote for Stop Trying to Take My Job…?
Cappy: Wasn’t me.
Dougie: That was me.
JT: Dude.
Dougie: Just sayin’.
JT: And did we end up with over 50 votes?
Clutterbuck: I VOTED LIKE 12 TIMES!
Cizikas: And I voted for both. I loved both of them.
Cappy: OK boys. Kings tonight. I’m gonna try to get that coaching gig. Could you imagine us full time in LA, Johnny?
Boychuk: Sick. Me, You Marty and Dono in LA? Oh man.
Cappy: It’d be like Entourage, but better cause we got Marty instead of Drama and Turtle. I’d trade Dono for Vince though.
Boychuk: Totally.
Donovan: You’d have to make that deal.
Cappy: OK – DJ Buzzkill, lead the boys out and maybe but some distance between you and the rest of the guys leading the league in scoring. Might be helpful.
by Les Beaver on Mar 26, 2015 | 2:50 PM
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