Laying awake at night is just a little hobby of mine, I sit in bed and I think of the galaxy of issues, ideas, thoughts, and emotions that present itself in my head. I convince myself that Im going to wake up the next morning and be an honor student, a fitness guru, a social super star and exceptionally self motivated so I can refrain from my naturally lazy habits. Its never quite worked out that way, though. Sometimes I think about how Im going to just marry a rich man and never worry about anything outside my white picket fence ever again and just what I decide to make for dinner each day, or what color I'm going to get manicured on my freshly trimmed nails. Finding a place for myself outside this day dream is something that hasn't really occurred to me. Right now I'm laying in bed thinking about the scary unknown of the future and what it could possibly hold for me. The reason for its scariness is that I don't know where I should hold myself for the present. If i take everything I have to myself, I can honestly say there is no pride with me where I currently stand. Im writing this on tumblr for god sake because I feel like I have no one else to talk too. I haven't been on tumblr in months. Every friend that I've ever had that I've ever felt like Ive had the privilege to call a “best friend” has always found a way out of the friendship and don't seem to want to give in anymore. To me its always seemed that as soon as there is an inconvenience in the friendship, it doesn't appear to have anything worth fighting for. I try to branch out too, but it seems like no one takes a real interest in wanting to get to know me Im not sure what Ive done but theres something I'm obviously doing wrong that I'm completely oblivious too. The one friendship I've managed to keep holding on too is my relationship with my boyfriend, which i have no idea where thats going. My biggest fear is that I'm somehow going to manage to push him away for the same mysterious reason as anyone else. At that point i wouldn’t have anything else to show for myself. I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. Its a matter of time because he is one of the most motivated and smartest people Ive ever met who can only do great things with his life and one day he's going to wake up and realize I just slow him and his ambitions down. I don't think he knows this but I'm aware of it and am slowly preparing myself for the let down. It may seem like I'm being hard on myself but being let down is all I've ever really had and getting my hopes up has done nothing but bury me deeper and harder in disappointment. I want nothing then to relax and not worry and just go with the flow. Right now I feel like i have no where to go with my thoughts, so how could I do like that? I just feel alone. When I went away to college I felt like I may of found my fit at first but it just lead to a different path of negative influences and people who obviously would never put someone else before them, and even if I wanted to go back, my mom lost her job and we can't afford it. Besides, I don't know what i could study that I would actually have a successful career in. Ive never succeed in anything. Ive always been in like 5th place, with sub par grades, little motivation, and no passion other than trying to make other people happy (which obviously isn't working very well). Ive been on this earth long enough with nothing to show for myself, and nothing proud to call my own. Although I will keep searching for something? Just enough something to push me into my 5th place podium where I've obviously engraved my name in already. I’ll continue working and living in my own little world of my own small luxuries of Grande Iced Carmel Macchiatos, and good finds at Buffalo Exchange. The things that help me tolerate 5th place.
gummygunk
dailybridgerton
stormborns
annaxmalina
turnnoffyourmind
