[Growth]
Claire Keane
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ellievsbear

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almost home
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Not today Justin
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hello vonnie

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@tellerficraz
[Growth]
Never learning, never growing, never accepting responsibility. Always smashing shit up and expecting others to pick up the pieces.
Half Man | 1.04
The Iliad, or The Poem of Force by Simone Weil / Half Man
this shot of niall and ruben softly smiling at each other
no, but if you think about it, that line “a man who knows what he wants and he takes it” is insane.
does Ruben really think that? does he think Niall wanted Mona? or that he wanted to take away Ruben’s chance to be a dad? it’s still kinda twisted. he knows Niall is gay, and he knows that he doesn’t care about any of his kids at all. and he knows, to some extent, that Niall is just obsessed with Ruben in some way. or maybe it’s about Niall taking something away from Ruben himself. like, the last bits of his manhood, at least as Ruben sees it. i know that’s a possibility. but is Ruben that self-aware, to come this this conclusion?
it just doesn’t sit right with me. especially because he uses that phrase so insistently, more than once. he’s not stupid. he could’ve phrased it any other way. but it’s almost underlined. and the phrase “before you took what’s mine” is clearly not about his manhood. it’s about Mona and his child. but come on. he has to know Niall doesn’t give a fuck about any of that. and that it was always about Ruben. or am i giving him too much credit? i don’t know. this tiny part of the narrative between the prison scene and the barn scene, before the wedding, just won’t leave me alone. did Niall try at all to redeem himself? there are so many questions i don’t have answers to.
Found a show on youtube bb Jamie Bell was in, and right before they go in for the murder trial the lawyer fixes the defendant's tie (childhood besties) and the defendant mentions how similiar it was to his wedding.
Anyway, Niall definitely did that for Ruben while waiting for the Benji trial. Fixed Ruben's tie, took care of his appearance, trying to crack jokes because he and Ruben both know that Ruben is going back to prison. Mona is gone, Maura is too sick to come, it's just the two of them. Ruben pleads guilty, there's no use in fighting it. Niall somehow convinces them that Ruben should get a lighter sentence, lies through his teeth so well no one would ever doubt him. Redeems himself for the Alby trial.
When Ruben gets sentenced, they hug, knowing it will be the last time in who knows how long. Ruben takes in Niall's smell, Niall memorizes Ruben's touch. Niall promises to visit every week, and he keeps his promise. (Until he doesn't).
time travel fix-it where young niall in uni passes out before they’re supposed to go out in episode 2 and ruben goes into protective mode because that’s his bambi unconscious on the floor. niall waking up with ruben kneeling over him and looking so worried. asking him if he’s all right. and niall can’t breathe because his big brother is so young and not angry at him and their dynamic isn’t yet fucked all to hell. it makes him get all teary-eyed and wanna vomit at the same time because he’s so overwhelmed. especially when he can’t blink away the tears fast enough and his face crumples because ruben’s big palm is cradling his cheek, stroking the skin there, looking even more worried about why his bambi must be crying. soon he’s practically curling up in ruben’s lap and crushing himself to ruben’s chest and wrapping his arms around ruben’s waist, clinging on like a baby koala. and ruben doesn’t throw him off or shove him away. just holds him tighter and kisses his hair when he says “i missed you.” ruben saying “oh, bambers, i know, that’s why i’m here.”
it’s not the same kind of missing, niall knows. but he lets himself melt against his big brother’s chest and be held and carried to his tiny dorm bed and lets himself turn into a little cherry-cheeked blushing mess when ruben snuggles up to him, letting niall be the little spoon. ruben telling him they don’t have to go out with the others; they can stay here, just ruben and bambi.
Walk with me here: Lori was raised in a strict Protestant household in Castlemilk, a post-war housing estate built to alliviate the overcrowding in inner Glasgow, where Catholics also lived. She went to school with her eventual scissor sister, Maura, and as young girls they exchanged stolen kisses. But it's the 1960s and she must eventually marry a man.
Enter a young handsome Catholic, Patrick Kennedy, whom she's known most of her life and catches her eye now that he's a man. And she catches his. They begin a harmless flirtation that neither of their families are thrilled about. Eventually when they're 18 and leaving school, she gets pregnant by him. This is the early 1970s, the Kirk (Church of Scotland) is losing it's hold on society, the Catholic Church as well but not as fast. Lori's father, and by extension her whole family, are staunch Kirk members and are scandalized both that their daughter is pregnant out of wedlock and, gasp, by a Catholic.
The potential bastard grandchild is only just the bigger sin to him. So Lori must marry him.
The Kennedys are also not thrilled, but for them it's mostly because the youngsters aren't married, not becuse Lori is a Protestant. They also assume that the child will be raised Catholic, like his father.
Lori's mother and father are the only members of her family to attend, they've forbidden her siblings to have anything to do with her for fear of corrupting them with her sinful ways and Papist sympathies. They leave after the ceremony, and Lori never sees her father again.
Lori and Patrick move in with his mother, but their small council house is already packed. So they apply for a house and like many young couples in the early 1970s are moved to Cumbernauld, on the other side of Glasgow from where they grew up. A few years later, she gets a call from her old friend Maura now Pallister, excitedly telling her that her and her husband and their little boy have been given a council flat in Cumbernauld as well. This makes Lori feel more alive than she has in years.
And who knows, maybe her son could become a friend to her shy and gentle boy, Niall.
ruben pallister: the ultimate #ally
when I get sad I rewatch the hospital hug inside my head, imagining Niall climbing into his lap, Ruben inhaling him deeply, hands roaming across his body
Half Man | 1.06
it always fucks with me that before benji, ruben was widely considered a Chill and Normal guy. like yeah, at worst, if you knew him when he was younger, you think "yeah, he's a hot-head. ex-con. had a lot going on when he was a kid. but a nice guy these days!" he spit in joanna's face and she let bygones be bygones enough to hear him out. his co-workers have a nickname for him! fucking roy lets him crash at his house six months out of the year! insane. and even after benji, people are still charmed by him. probably in part because of niall massaging his image, but still! people at the wedding laugh at his jokes, converse with him freely. his chaperone at the funeral regards him fondly, genuinely seems invested in his rehabilitation. it's so fucked, man!
if niall had lived after the barn, he would’ve worn ruben’s ring. either as a necklace or he’d get it resized and wear it on his ring finger too.