@liberi-aves - Tumblr Blog

i always forget that i have this blog tbh i’m usually on twitter

a sequel to this post

#YEAH this actually puts it into words #did

An under-talked about type of amnesia, and one that I experience often as someone with more blackouts than other types, is… I’m not sure what to call it, but the opposite of emotional amnesia. That I cannot remember any information or details about events, or often even what the event may have been at all, but I can remember an emotion. I can experience an overwhelming emotional memory without any information attached to it at all—I’m not simply having an emotion in the moment, it is something that feels distinctly like remembering, but the reason for the emotion is what is lost to me. I do not know what caused past-me to feel the anguish I remember now, nor what led past-me to have such fondness, and it is definitely a different kind of loss to know you felt a way once but with no idea why.

I suppose you could consider it a type of greyout by definition, but it just doesn’t really fall under the commonly understood meaning of how people actually use that. At least for my experience, I also put this much closer to a blackout than not, though I suppose others could experience it differently.

#YUP

reading back on old stuff on this blog feels uncomfortable. i have the urge to delete it all but i shouldn’t for documentation purposes

#i use to be able to talk about DID stuff more freely but now there are more shame/denial walls #.txt

idk if i’ll actively use this blog again but i felt like tidying it up because it hadn’t been modified in a long time and i/we have changed a lot since then

#we use twitter for system stuff but with the way that’s going it’s prob good to have a backup #.txt

thought about A too much and now i have a switching headache :/ please i am just trying to live

#.txt

feeling so blurry today

#.txt

I wish I felt like I had friends of my own or people I could talk to.

#Rose.txt

i keep trying to write something about system stuff but words won’t come out right so i’m [static noise]

#rose is around so it’s a little blurry right now #.txt

traumadrauma

hey y’all wanna talk about a lesser talked about trauma effect?

loss of autonomy.

not knowing how to do anything without explicit permission or instruction.

feeling like you’ll get in trouble if you do anything on your own will.

waiting until you’re given permission to do so much as eat.

not feeling like your body is your own.

if you experience this you aren’t broken or alone. you were abused and traumatized and conditioned to be like this. remember you belong to nobody but yourself. you are and will be okay.

#ouchie #trauma

a trauma thing i really despise is not having concrete memories of a certain trauma but you have this disgusting feeling deep down that you can barely touch

#i want my memories but i also do not at the same time #david.txt

rose and i have pretty good verbal communication but it’s honestly just a lot of bickering

#she’s like my sister so it makes sense lol #anyway we’re blurring #.txt #collective

no idea if i’m in pain today just because i’m in pain or if it’s because sometimes percy brings awful physical symptoms with him

#.txt #collective

percy is around front this morning and is very present which is a strange feeling after things being quiet for so long

#.txt #collective

i’ve been thinking about using this blog again to talk about did stuff. i’m not really comfortable talking about it on any other social media atm because i don’t want to come out to new people about did yet. so we’ll see.

things have been a bit more active lately—i’m assuming because of covid and the general stress of life. it was very quiet for a long time and i got used to it so having noise again is... strange.

#david.txt #collective

aadhad

adhd things

-plugging in headphones and opening spotify to play some music but a text comes through while it’s loading so you answer it and next thing you know you’ve been sitting in silence for an hour

-reading a book and realizing you have no idea what happened for the last chapter and a half so you try to reread it but you end up focusing so much on focusing that you still have no idea what’s going on

-spending 3+ hours researching adhd and other possible mental health issues when you should be sleeping or studying

-“my friend will be here in 10 min, that’s enough to clean and…” and then they’re suddenly at your door

-little to no actual conception of time passage

-starting projects with the full intention of completion until you reach the boring part

-pacing when you’re anxious, nervous, excited, bored, sad, happy, etc.

#adhd

pixelfears

me: gets triggered / starts dissociating

my system members:

#THIS REALLY IS LATELY #where the fuck have yall been its been ages #did

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