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20. this is a side blog- feel free to send ask/questions/messages!! all tw will be tagged. she/her

[teeashirts]

✧･ﾟplaylists to help pass the time *:･✧

hi everyone! it’s been a while since i made a huge playlist masterpost, but i thought that right now when we’re all stuck inside wondering what to do with our time i would make a list of all my playlists. listening to music is so calming and definitely helps me pass the time…so enjoy! - cam

songs that remind me of a fashion show 

a mix of songs that remind me of driving down the coast 

a playlist dedicated to paris 

songs that inspire me 

a dreamy mix

songs to listen to when you feel carefree

a super fun workout/running playlist to keep you pumped up 

songs to listen to during golden hour 

a mix of songs to listen to on a sunny day 

a playlist full of songs that make me feel alive 

songs that remind me of my teenage years 

a study/coffee shop playlist to keep you calm 

songs to listen to on the weekend 

songs that make me feel like living in the moment 

a friday kinda mix !

songs that remind me of a warm spring evening 

a mix dedicated to nature 

my all-time favorite songs all in one playlist 

songs that remind me of flowers and sunshine 

a 12-hour long playlist of songs that make me feel nostalgic 

songs that remind me of going back to school 

my ultimate summertime playlist 

songs that make me feel like i’m in a movie 

upbeat songs to get ready to in the morning 

songs i’m currently loving & listening to right now

a playlist dedicated to italy and all its wonders 

songs that are soft and delicate 

a mix to listen to while watching the sunrise / sunset 

a playlist for a rainy and stormy day 

songs to listen to when you wake up ! 

another nature playlist because why not?! 

a monday playlist to make your monday more enjoyable 

my springtime playlist 

songs that are bittersweet 

my girl power anthems playlist 

for the daydreamers 

songs that remind me of the spirit of traveling & exploring 

a mix to listen to before bed 

songs to listen and dance to in your kitchen 

a super fun 70s playlist 

relaxing songs for a sunday 

songs that remind me of wintertime 

for people who love the east coast 

for people who love the west coast 

a mix of lo fi beats 

songs to listen to in your car at night 

fresh finds (new songs every monday!)

the ultimate sing along playlist 

an indie playlist 

the perfect road trip / daily commute mix 

a super studious playlist to keep you extra focused 

songs that remind me of the beach 

a mix of songs to listen to when you’re j chillin

songs that remind me of a trip to outer space !

listen to this when you’re in love 

songs for stargazing…

the perfect autumn playlist 

songs that make my heart flutter 

a mix of carefree & happy tunes 

the grooviest 80s playlist around 

a mix of golden oldies 

listen to this if you like rap / r&b 

another workout playlist !

a mix of fun, upbeat songs to dance to 

a playlist inspired by call me by your name

a coming of age playlist 

a mix of songs that deserve more hype 

songs for all the main characters out there 

a mix inspired by the king harry styles

songs that make me feel angelic 

a dark academia playlist 

a spooky halloween mix !

a playlist inspired by dystopian novels

a special cottagecore playlist 

a light academia playlist

songs to listen to while looking at the moon

songs to cry to at 3am

concept: you’re a princess late to the annual ball 

a playlist inspired by the magic of hogwarts 

a self-care playlist for those who are healing <3

[traumadrauma]

hi, i keep doubting whether how my mother treats me counts as abuse or not because on one hand, I'm afraid to ask her things or talk to her and she genuinely makes me want to kill myself (I've worked on this in therapy to some extent so dw!) and she controls everything i do even though I'm 20 years old and makes me feel bad for having friends but on the other hand, she's not always bad and people told me it's just part of our culture? I'm south asian and a lot of south asian parents are strict and manipulative so I don't know what to think? I guess I'm just looking for straight answers but I know you can't give me that definitively.

i can’t answer definitively if it’s absolutely abuse without more information but what i CAN tell you, is that culture DOES NOT justify or excuse abuse and manipulation. it sounds like parental narcissism (again i cannot say this is exact without all the info), which CAN be a form of emotional abuse and can absolutely cause trauma and lead to ongoing issues.

[traumadrauma]

Is it ok to not want to talk to my mom anymore bc she's still married to the man who r@p3d me and continuously tells me my trauma isn't real even though she's my mom

that is ABSOLUTELY okay. you do not have to keep people in your life just because they are family. if someone keeps your abuser around and downplays your trauma,, ESPECIALLY at that degree, they no longer have any kind of “right” to be in your life-regardless of the prior relationship you may have had.

[traumadrauma]

Have you ever felt empty? Like nothing you do is good enough for anyone and no matter how much they tell you it is you still feel unworthy and wrong? Have you ever broken out in tears for no apparent reason or when you get angry at something? You ever long for your peers approval and adoration in everything you do but even after you get it you still feel as though it's not enough and like it only makes the hole inside bigger?

I simply ask as i do and reading your posts i feel as though we may understand eachother.

absolutely i do! im deep in my healing process but still i feel that deep rooted self hate and doubt and that will likely take a lifetime to remedy. i have anxiety attacks that (often) manifest in outburts of anger, tears, etc. its hard but i’m working on bettering myself daily (:

(p,s sorry it took ages to reply i have been taking a Break from socials ! i dont tend to get notifs on this blog but feel free to send a message and i can give u my main so we can chat if you’d like!)

❤️✨

[traumadrauma]

please remember that you are the only person that gets to decide that your trauma doesn’t/shouldnt affect you anymore. nobody is allowed to say your pain is gone but you. nobody is allowed to decide you’re over your trauma/abuse but you. you are not obligated to forgive your abuser. you are not obligated to be around them if they are part of your family and you are CERTAINLY not obligated to be kind to them. as soon as they hurt you like that they lost the right to have your love, your kindness, your forgiveness, or your time. remember you don’t have to sacrifice your health for their comfort.

[traumadrauma]

hey y’all wanna talk about a lesser talked about trauma effect?

loss of autonomy.

not knowing how to do anything without explicit permission or instruction.

feeling like you’ll get in trouble if you do anything on your own will.

waiting until you’re given permission to do so much as eat.

not feeling like your body is your own.

if you experience this you aren’t broken or alone. you were abused and traumatized and conditioned to be like this. remember you belong to nobody but yourself. you are and will be okay.

[widowed-mistress]

Okay, so that explains a lot of my life now here comes the question I never thought I would be asking: what the FUCK traumatized me to have literally all of these things

[traumadrauma]

this trauma response can come from lots of things !! if you were/are in a situation where you feel or are told you can’t do anything/can’t do anything right or you know or feel you will be punished or abused for doing something you aren’t allowed to, your brain will begin to think it needs permission to do anything, including essentials for life like eating, sleeping, cleaning, etc. this is especially true if you were abused as a kid as that’s when your brain is developing habits !! this can carry into your adulthood if the trauma was prolonged

[furiousgoldfish]

I wrote an entire long post about how it feels when your family and relatives just dismiss your experience with abuse and expect of you to just cooperate and do what you’re told regardless of how you feel, and how cruel it is to expect of someone to “just forget it” when they have ptsd because of what happened to them, and I couldn’t come to the conclusion of that post, because it is too hard.

When you have lived all your life, looking at yourself thru eyes of these people, who don’t seem to notice you’re a human being in pain, who keep telling you that it’s all in your head and you’re exaggerating and making a big deal out of something that shouldn’t have affected you so much, who refuse to care that you’re suffering, it’s hard to suddenly change your point of view and go “oh, wait a minute, actually i’m a human being and what they’re doing to me is cruel and hateful”.

To blame someone else for their cruelty after you’ve done nothing but blame yourself for it, all your life, is hard. To stop questioning what is wrong with you and start noticing that something is wrong with everyone else, is hard. To see the good in yourself, after you’ve been forced to see every part of you as bad, is hard. To see the evil in others, after they have put themselves so far up the “better than you” pedestal, is hard. To see that your lived experience cannot be brushed away by people who benefit from brushing it away, is hard.

These people do not get to define who you are, what you’ve lived thru, or how should you be behaving today. But how would you know that, after living a life of nothing but being told who you are, what your experiences are, and what you should be doing? It’s almost unbelievable that people would go so far out of line to do that to you, that they could be so cruel and vicious just to gain control over you. But it’s what they’ve done. It’s cruel. It’s vicious and hateful and unforgivable. Who can just wake up one day and accept that their supposed loved ones have been doing something so vicious and hateful to them, for a long time? It’s terrifying. It feels like you must be exaggerating, it’s hard to believe it would be true.

So if you need more time to question this, that’s okay. If you don’t want to turn against your family and relatives, that’s fine. You don’t have to immediately be capable of blaming them or being angry at them. It’s not on you to immediately know what is right and to react accordingly, you are not responsible for giving the correct response to them, you just have to pull thru this and stay alive and sane. You’re doing okay.

[traumadrauma]

hey y’all wanna talk about a lesser talked about trauma effect?

loss of autonomy.

not knowing how to do anything without explicit permission or instruction.

feeling like you’ll get in trouble if you do anything on your own will.

waiting until you’re given permission to do so much as eat.

not feeling like your body is your own.

if you experience this you aren’t broken or alone. you were abused and traumatized and conditioned to be like this. remember you belong to nobody but yourself. you are and will be okay.

[theamberfang]

Hmm, this contributes to my inkling suspicion that my father was actually abusive to me growing up. The problem is that much of it would be stuff that isn’t typically seen as abuse; rather, a lot of it is stuff that is forgiven in media as “tough love” and “the parent ultimately loves you so it’s fine.” I can barely point to anything in my memory because it’s all become invisible from that kind of stuff. Regardless, the end result is still that I am usually an anxious mess from simply being around him.

I also definitely feel like “I don’t know how to do anything without being told to do so.” It’s a contributing factor to why I fell off in university and to my depression in general. It’s large part of why I’ve always struggled with trying to find employment: I simply don’t feel like I’m capable of anything.

It sucks because I’d really like some sort of professional input and help, but without being employed I can’t really get the insurance for that kind of things, but I need the help to get employment... It’s a stupid catch-22 caused by stupid American healthcare.

[traumadrauma]

abuse isn’t just hitting you or berating you! our society has normalized much of the parental abuse children go through (especially from fathers) because there’s no physical proof or they play it off as tough love/ preparing you for “the real world” (spoiler: people in the real world will treat you with respect). the school and employment troubles are ENTIRELY normal for people who have been subject to abuse so PLEASE try to not get too hard on yourself about that. it will be okay and you will find resolution and peace. my messages are always open if you need to vent 💖

[goodhomemaking]

[traumadrauma]

i haven’t posted on this account in a WHILE but i know holidays are hard for people in abusive homes and with toxic families so i hope everyone has a safe and happy thanksgiving. i may not post here much but my inbox is always open and i’m always here to talk or listen and give advice. you can message me for my main blog (which i’m more accessible on!!) or for my other socials !!!

[traumadrauma]

i am infinitely lucky for my best friend and her family because they came into my life when i was at the peak of my abuse and ready to attempt suicide until it stuck and they gave me a room in their house so i would be safe and told me to move in so i would be cared for and showed me love and role models worth having and i feel awful knowing i will never be able to repay them for everything they’ve done for me

[traumadrauma]

real traumatized culture is goin buck fuckin wild and playing ur music/movie/tv show outside the comfort and safety of ur bedroom and then immediately sprinting back when u see someone pull into the driveway or hear the door 🤪

[traumadrauma]

it’s bullshit opening up to people that have never experienced abuse about yours because i always get “haha well u can’t hate ur parents they’re the reason ur alive uwu !!” like yeah they’re also the reason i’ve tried to kill myself theresa but ok go off i guess

[greenmossloveisreal1998iloveyou]

Self care is stupid I want to beat my dad with his own bones

[volcanicpoetry]

ANOTHER YEAR PASSED

6 & I’m looking out the window of my dads car, tears streaming down my face, perfecting the art of my Silent Cry. “It’s my fault it’s my fault it’s my fault” 6 & I’m thinking about the relief of impact, dropping from a hundred story building. 6 & I’m already finished living, thinking god forbid I ever reach 7.

8 & we’re driving past my future middle school; without any emotion I tell myself, “don’t worry about it, you won’t live long enough to make it that far.”

11 & in my moms car, her voice screeching like nails on a chalkboard, saying “I swear to god I’ll send you away to foster care if you don’t stop being a little bitch.” Silent cry, it’s 7 in the morning, school is an hour drive away & I tell myself, “Shhh… I swear to god this car will crash as long as I wish for it hard enough & mom, brother, they will survive, while I will go straight through the windshield.”

13 & I’m dressed like a woman, in my moms car driving to synagogue, going to become a woman, a woman, a woman. had my birthday yesterday, screamed in my sleep, woke up with an ache in my chest. “why didn’t I die last night?” I think. in my moms car in a suit meant for a lady, I ignore every word that comes out of her dirty mouth. she screams.

15 & I’m laying in bed, the night before my 16th. I take pills, not enough to die but not enough to live. I hope, pray, plead with god to let me die in my sleep. I haven’t been to school in four days, 15 & no one cares that I’m disappearing. 15 & if I turn 16 I swear to god I will never, ever forgive myself.

16 & I wake up in the morning.

17 & I’m in the car driving to the hospital. my mom is crying & I’m saying, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I promise I’ll get better. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” I’m not sorry, not even a little bit. my mom doesn’t look at me. my mom just cries. I don’t cry & I think, “shouldn’t I be the one crying? I’m the one who tried to die.” 17 & I keep trying to die because I can’t stand the fact that my life has gone on for so long & I never want to reach 18.

18 & I wake up again.

20 & I’m somehow still alive & I’m throwing up for weeks before my birthday & it’s not because I’m drunk, in fact I’ve never been more sober. I scream into my pillow & bite my tongue so hard it bleeds to keep myself from leaving. I open my skin over & over & take pills to sleep for days & I turn 21 sobbing in my bed all alone feeling like I’m 6 again.

22 & here I am, still living by some magic force of will. my body keeps on healing each time I try to tear it down, for 22 years I’ve been searching for ways to destroy this place people tell me is home & in less than one month I will be 23 & I wish I could spend it finally happy that this body is still here with me.

22 & I’ve forgiven myself for living to 7, to 13, to 16, living past 21, making a life for 22 year old me that 6 year old me may have looked at as a good thing, but I’m 22 & my heart hurts more than I ever thought it could. 22 & I’m still aching.

I dread 23. I think about falling asleep the night before 23 & never opening my eyes again. I wanted 23 to be the year when things would be different but instead I’m 22 & crying like I’m 7 & even though I’ve done so much to give myself the life I didn’t have when I grew up, it still feels like all I do each year is go backwards.

maybe 24 will be the year.

— han hyland

[horrorthyme]

Stop telling CSA victims to stop thinking about it when they are in recovery. Because God if we could stop thinking about it, we would.

[uglyheavens]

my brain when I suffered a traumatic childhood and couldn’t handle it so it developed a dissociative disorder