I'm a werewolf and the thing. I used to identify solely as otherkin however as my identity has aged, I don’t think I was ever human and otherkin is more of a semi-comfortable umbrella for that. I now just go by what I am, or if needs must nonhuman or ex-human.
the beautiful werewolf otherkin flag is made by @pubbywubby
Do Not try to reality check me. I am what I am and I didn’t fucking ask for your opinion.
I talk about more upsetting parts of my identities so viewer discretion is advised.
I do post real blood & gore, they are all tagged under #snacks, and more graphic personal posts are tagged with blood and/or gore. if you want me to tag something specific, please let me know.
in case you don’t read links but read this far, im a system and i block anti endos on sight. fuck off with syscourse.
im taking a kind of medicine thats also coincidentally prescribed to my dog buddy and i gotta be real with you chief this is some primo euphoria right here.
the thing about having no solid state means that you recognize yourself in nothing, save for theme and motif. physically i look like many many things, and none of the guises are me. a chameleon is referred to as green as a short hand, not as a fixed unquestioned reality.
mirrors, portraits, photographs. reflections of the face in black phone glass. it’s a True sight, in a way, but it’s jarring that it’s all the glass captures. I am an artist, I draw portraiture, to only draw that which the mirror physically literally tells me reeks of a very odd kind of ineptitude. there is no self in that self portrait, that’s A shell i wear, it’s limited to its uses. why would I define myself by the short hand, when I’m, by definition, unfixable in cell structure.
I am not a person. I do not mean in the sense of I am an animal and so I do not identify as a person. Nor do I mean it in the sense that non-human creatures cannot be personed. I am an avid fan of Star Trek and there are many non human species that are personed: Vulcans, Klingons, Bajorans, Androids, Changlings, wisps of gas and spirit, lifeforms of silicon, and indeed even cetaceans like Matt and Kimolu. Even in current day in some countries cetaceans are granted legal personhood and are considered persons. I however seem to lack personhood.
Some people will say and insist that I am a person, but I really struggle to believe that is true. People here often argue how important it is to define yourself as a person even if you do not like the term because of the legal implications of personhood. But I do not think I really have the protections that are promised nor in most peoples minds am I actually included in personhood.
I do really struggle to identify as a person. I often get the feeling when people are talking about persons I am not actually included. People will say that every person should be treated in a certain, that everyone person should have agency and autonomy. But, there is always as asterisk on those guarantees. People's tunes often change when certain conditions come up, especially conditions like schizophrenia.
We experience psychiatrisation and the carceral effects of it very strongly. The ability for us to "show insight" does very much determine how much of a person we are allowed to be treated as. If we show insight, then at least briefly it is possible to be treated as a person. Failure to do so though instead marks you as not a person. However, that idea of showing insight is incredibly arbitrary and basically comes down to how well you can work and explain yourself. I have been right now reducing my medicine, something that took a lot of convincing and very specific and careful phrasing to show that I understand what I am doing and why. Even then I am under a massive amount of scrutiny for everything I do, and a constant intense demand to doublebookkeep. The price for failing to perfectly "show insight" is that the little freedoms and dispensations I have earned will be stripped and I will be put on more medicine and, if I refuse to comply, potentially be locked away again. My doctor can decide entirely arbitrarily that I do not know what is going on, or do not understand well enough. If that happens then any refusal or non-compliance is considered lacking insight and necessitates greater force to "help" me.
We are not considered capable to make decisions for ourselves - not on our treatment, not on our medicine, not on our lives. To the humans I am a thing which is incapable to decide my own path and my own destiny. I am a thing for which the humans feel they need to intervene and help me have the life they think I should want. They think I should want to live a normal human life - have a normal job, a husband, some kids, have and maintain home, work a productive job, and be human. It though is not the life I want, but my desire to return to the water is to them crazy. I am only considered capable and understanding if the decisions I make are the ones which the humans want me to make. In this manner I do not have genuine choices or agency over my like, or where I do have choices they are from a prearrangement the humans have decided. If I fail to comply I will be punished.
I wish to return to the water very badly. But, this is not something the humans can understand. To them, this experience myself as I am is an aberration of "the true me" which is whatever human it is they have imagined I should want to be if not for my schizophrenia.
I might have an appearance of personhood; it is though a false image. It can on a whim and arbitrarily depending on a doctors thoughts be taken from me. The comforts I have, my ability to go places, the choices I can make with food and money or even to have those things, my relationships with others, even my mind, body, thought and emotions can be taken from me. The most fundamental understanding that underpins my relationship with the humans, is that to them, I am unable to understand or properly perceive reality. The humans "know" what reality is, and they "know" what it is I want. However, their vision of who they wish me to be and who I wish to be are very different. Still I must obey their every command and desire. I must understand the humans are entirely in control. And, I must do as they wish. If I deviate, it is proof I cannot understand what is good for me or understand reality, and thus need be corrected. I have learned very well to obey, and I have learned well to articulate myself to be granted at points some small dispensation. However I understand that I am not a person, not a real person at least. They are people; I am a thing. Any appearance of personhood I have is not real and it is not for me - it is for the comfort of the humans. They can believe that the things I do are my choice and are what I want and what I know is good for me. It is more comfortable to them if they do not have to acknowledge that I have no real say in what is done to me.
I do not know if I ever can really be a person, or simply become good enough at articulating myself that for a little bit the humans think I am a person. I desire very strongly to return to the water, to swim forever and return to life as a whale. I fear though when I try to explain this desire instead of viewing it as genuine and working to help me, or see how both parties can benefit, the humans will view me again as unable to make my own decisions. "A human should want a human life afterall! It should not think it is a whale and it certainly should not want to live in a tank!" At which point the humans will then intervene to "help" me and give me the life they think I should want despite me sitting in front of them explaining my own goals and desires.
I do hope deeply that I will be able to convince the humans to let me return to the water. That they will see my experiences and emotions as genuine and not simply the ravings of a lunatic who is incapable to know what is best for itself. I hope maybe someday they can treat me as a person and with her own legitimate wants and desires, or if still I can never really be a person, that they will care to my genuine needs and not what they think I should want. Maybe someday...
also, whats up with not recognizing the body in the mirror anymore. these days i straight up look down and our hands and feet are just paws to me. the others see different things of course but. its just different when i front. i can point out the dog anatomy and trace the bones and its jarring.
we got kinda high a couple weeks ago and had an epiphany concerning a kin thing, but I’m still letting it sit because,
1.) while drugs can help with self discovery, shit makes a certain kind of sense on them that doesn’t translate to a sober world sometimes. it’s important to parse after the fact. and then,
2.) if this kin thing is correct, that kinda shakes up several things about our current understanding of myself/certain beliefs. all of my kin and nonhuman experiences so far have been purely psychologically and physically based and this would be more on the spiritual end of things which tbh is kind of scary in a way.
so i’m letting it sit. keeping my mind open but yknow. we’ll see.
Also it's like. Antipsychotics weren't made to "reduce psychosis" cause we don't have that kind of science in psychiatry. What they do and do well is reduce your cognitive function and all around sedate you to a point where you are unlikely to have the energy and ability to act out/cause trouble as a result of being mentally distressed. And while I am not saying that this can't be a relevant relief for a psychotic person in some cases, it sure isn't the straightforward biomedical solution to schizophrenia it's made out to be
I was never on antipsychotics for schizophrenia or psychosis, I was on them along with SSRIs for severe anxiety. Never going back. I was so tired and sedated I could not function. I understand why psychotic nonhumans wouldn’t wanna take them. You just don’t know until you’re the one on them, @ everyone who is like “get on meds!!!” at physical nonhumans.
