a letter. read if this blog mattered to you/we interacted (please).
hi.
i told myself i wouldn't let this blog die, but it seems that it has. the idea to post something came spontaneously to me just now, so this letter may be all jumble and gibberish, and for that you'll have to excuse me.
i just think this blog deserves a resolution. the fading-away of it has come with the fading-away of my writing.
i have not written a solid piece i'm proud of in months. maybe even in over a year, actually. the last time i remember liking something is back in february 2021, and it was not related to the contents of this blog.
i don't think it's my love for writing that has.. died (i wouldn't have liked to use this term but this term fits so right to what i feel has happened). some days i log back onto here to read the past comments left on my posts, and on those days they are the only things that make me feel any drop of self worth.
looking from the wider perspective, i think it's rather some part of me that's died, which has prompted the death of this blog. honestly speaking, life has changed so much for me since 2020-- the year i felt the proudest of my writing, which happened to be on here. my family life has gone to shambles, and as a person who's barely had friend-breakups, i've lost an overwhelming majority of my friends. as you can imagine, with the loss of those closest around me, i've been feeling quite lonely.
this loneliness feels like it won't pass with writing, which used to be a hobby and a coping strategy. it also doesn't feel like it will pass with posting my writing and seeing its effect on people. social media doesn't feel like it's my safe space or escape. i'm only ever using instagram most of the time for my sh*tposts and the moments i'm enjoying myself. which, if you interact with me on instagram basis, you'll know.
it's a really weird place i'm in right now. i'm not depressed. i don't feel overwhelmingly sad. i do feel overwhelmingly lonely, but it's not unbearable, because i've noticed i'm somehow growing through this period of time. i'm learning to say no, i'm learning to express the lack of pleasure i feel in certain situations-- in some cases, where i wouldn't have ever imagined i would be able to voice my honest opinions.
despite these, i feel like i would describe myself as being in a dark place. my OCD is a daily struggle, and it's hard work every day. sometimes it gets worse as all other conditions do. i've fallen back into unhealthy habits i used to have that treat my mind and body poorly, though i cannot seem to stop. i'm working on those habits though, i promise. i'm seeing a therapist on a weekly basis too, which is probably the thread that has held me together.
with all this.. personal turmoil that feels like i'm stuck in the eye of a hurricane most of the time simply because i'm so confused on how much can happen without me actively participating in anything, i've lost my taste in writing. whatever i write, it feels incomplete. it feels like nothing but a repeat of subject-object-verb. i feel like i used to be so good with feeling something through my writing, anything, love, disappointment, anger, happiness, anything, but all i feel when i look at my writing now is like i'm staring at a block. or a wall that hasn't even been painted.
i hate that it's ended up in that. i've felt ever since i first started writing that it's my calling, the one thing i'm really good at and that i want to do. i feel like it's just slipped through my fingers. quietly, without a single signal, like most of the personal relationships i've lost during this past 2 years.
i just don't want to act like there's any hope for this blog as is. i have no hope for any of my writing that's been on here to continue. i would maybe rebrand one day if i felt like returning, but i really don't know. i'm lost about the future.
if you read this, i hope i've left good impressions on you. i hope i was able to entertain you with my writing. i hope i've been a good person to you, and if i've done you any wrong, i hope you can forgive me. if anyone is disappointed, i apologize. thank you for supporting this blog. thank you for supporting me. and if this doesn't reach anybody, there's at least some closure to this blog.
i wish this was not what this is, but wow i'd have never guessed things would turn out like this.
thank you. thank you again (and again). take care.
