false memories

formerly featured on edenwander

[lieshot]

Barney Barton  |  Private  |  MCU + Comics based

This is a private rp blog for the character Charles Bernard ‘Barney’ Barton. Written by Eevee. 21+ only. Read all rules/about/verses on blog due to being mixed media. MCU + Blindspot/Dark Avengers based Fraction verses extremely selective and by request only!

Trigger warnings: Torture, death, mentions of child abuse (not actively roleplayed, discussion/flashbacks only), alcoholism, chain smoking, other various forms of violence. Do not proceed if you cannot handle. 

Interest tracker.  |  headcanons  

[notmorbid]

companion.

dialogue prompts from companion (2025).

we see the world, but we don’t really see the world, you know?

we're all just stumbling around, directionless.

goddamn. that was smooth.

i was having the most wonderful dream.

what road is this? it's not showing up on the gps.

i think we might have different opinions of the meaning of the word 'cabin'.

you know you can't lie to me. tell me what's wrong.

i'm gonna do something stupid. i'm gonna say something stupid.

they're gonna hate me. they already hate me.

i'm good. i'm drunk.

smile. act happy.

when did you know that ____ was the one?

my hands are not clean, my friend.

you're so fearless. it's inspiring.

talk me through it. what happened?

it was self-defense. ____ was going to kill me.

there's no delicate way to say this, so i'm just gonna rip the band-aid right off.

this must be a lot to process.

we can get through this. we can go back home.

i don't like surprises. this was not part of the plan.

who's to say what makes people do bad things?

i'm so sorry you had to hear that.

i've never orchestrated a murder before. it's fucking hard.

carrying this huge gun is making me really horny.

it may have never happened, but my memory of it is real.

you know i would never hurt you, right?

do you feel how much i love you?

don't make this any harder than it needs to be.

it's really hard to come back from something like that.

i'm done here. you can clean up this mess yourself.

i really didn't think you had it in you.

you think your life is worth more than ____'s?

i have the strangest feeling we've met before.

why would you make something like that up?

the world's a fucked up place. you'll get used to it.

it feels like pain. it's angry and violent and bright.

you're lying. [name] would never do that to me.

just remember to smile and act happy.

that's not gonna work on me anymore. i'm free.

we both know it's not loaded.

look at that: my very first lie. kinda fun. i see the appeal.

why did you come back here?

you take another step, and i'll shoot you.

your days of controlling me are over.

from this moment on, i control my own actions.

you are nothing to me.

you won't kill me. you love me too much.

say it. i don't care if it's a lie.

[bidaryl]

you're from america? place called the commonwealth, right? i found your tape recorder. how did you come to be in france? a bunch of bad decisions.

THE WALKING DEAD: DARYL DIXON —1.01; L'âme Perdue

[deservedfate]

road of bones by christopher golden sentence starters

you think i'm going to let you drive after that?

what the fuck is wrong with us?

you know i hate that name.

you say the sweetest things.

you know i don't like new people.

thank you. for coming with me. for trusting me.

you'll get what you're owed.

it's a strange world. anything can happen.

when did you get so easy to spook?

i just think i've run out of energy to worry about it.

look at you, getting all soppy on me.

i'm not keen on being out here alone.

we shouldn't be here.

if you've any interest in changing my mind, now would be the time.

how much do you remember?

you don't have to keep me company.

you ever fired a gun in your life?

i've done all kinds of shit that might surprise you.

you're safer here.

whatever this trouble is, it doesn't belong to you.

careful what you wish for, idiot.

you know how to shoot?

if you're gonna feel guilty, save it for when you're all safe.

how's the bleeding?

speak for yourself. i'm hanging on just fine.

i thought we were safe.

there's something out there.

i'm gonna die out here. i think we all might.

you are fucking crazy.

this is what you asked for.

[barnesandbarton]

Going to see Barney regularly was a little like self harm.  If Bucky had had his way, Clint would have given up on Barney a long time ago.  But Bucky didn’t get it.  He’d never had to deal with anything like this.  Barney was family and Clint couldn’t give up on him.  If Steve had given up on Bucky when he was the Winter Soldier, then Clint wouldn’t have a boyfriend.  Clint wasn’t going to give up on his brother.

It was painful though.  Going in every few days only to be ignored or ridiculed.  Having to hear al the threats of violence.  It hurt.

But - it had been getting better.  Slowly, ever so slowly, Barney seemed to be coming around. It was so slow, Clint hadn't even noticed it at first. It started with longer stretches of silence between insults and threats. Then to saying things that weren't just insults or threats once in a while. And now, there were times where most of what they said to each other, while being small talk, wasn't all mean. Clint was hopeful. Maybe they were getting through to him. Maybe he'd get him back the way Steve had gotten Bucky back. Maybe one day they could all have a family cook out on the roof and things might be good again.

Bucky said it was wishful thinking but Clint had Bucky as proof that it was possible.

He walked down the hall to his cell, ignoring the taunts of the other prisoners.  What did he care if Mac Gargan wanted him dead?  That wasn’t news.

He reached the cell, and stood there watching him for a moment.  At the request he looked down at himself and began patting his pocket.  “Well, no,” he said, slightly taken aback.  Not just because Barney hadn’t complained about the food so far, but also because he never usually initiated the conversation, unless it was just to tell him to fuck off.  “I can ask if I can bring in pizza if you want.  I got a couple of peanut butter cups if you want?” He pulled the candy out of his pocket and held it up.  “What are you reading?”

[lieshot]

He wouldn't pretend that he was happy to see him. He wasn't, not really. The doctors said he wasn't there yet, not that Barney believed them. But at least he wasn't telling him to get the hell out like he had numerous times before. And giving an in depth description on exactly how he was going to end Clint. Because while other criminals could get real creative with murder, there was nothing more personal than a brother knowing every weakness to pick through even if they hadn't been close in decades now. The doctors would probably give some bullshit later about how asking about food was an 'improvement'.

What was offered did earn a snort from Barney though. A shake of his head though his eyes didn't peel away from the words on paper he was no longer reading. "You still eating like a twelve year old? Shit, if I don't kill you, your diet probably will. Give it another ten years or so." He'd never had much of a sweet tooth personally so the idea of a candy wasn't exactly the most appetizing thought. "Thought you'd outgrow that carnival shit food by now. Need to actually be eating right at your age instead of like a dumbass kid."

Though maybe, just maybe, the mention of himself or the food killing Clint was said more like a bad joke. No harshness to it, no glare or tense muscles. Not that Barney was really relaxed but he wasn't pacing like a caged animal. More of a throwaway than any sort of credible threat.

At the mention of the book, Barney's hand lifted it slightly for the cover to show through the glass rather than pressed down on his leg. Simple cover, black background with silhouettes of soldiers with text. "The Things They Carried," he replied, as if Clint couldn't read the bold words printed on the cover. "Don't have much of a library here. Maybe you should read it some time. Teach you a thing or two about the real world and its shit." Soldier stories. Actual war. Because, to Barney, fighting aliens and shit with other super powered people didn't mean shit like it was with normal people just trying to survive.

Things Clint wouldn't understand or that was how Barney saw it.

Finally, his head lifted, eyes meeting Clint's. Not as rageful but the younger sibling should probably feel lucky that the glass was still between them. "How much longer you guys think you can keep me here? Pretty sure there's also laws about being imprisoned without trial. Haven't exactly been told a sentence or anything." If Clint wanted to play the good old lawful hero, then Barney could just keep throwing laws at him; he used to work on that side as well.

[lieshot]

@barnesandbarton | continuation from

It was day in and day out. Constant talking, tests. Make sure HYDRA hadn't put anything else in him physically or mentally. Deconditioning. Break down, build back up. Though with a lot less of the brutality that HYDRA had employed, it still felt like a violation on its own. Maybe there was less physical violence and no torture this time around but a prison was still a prison. He was still only permitted in other areas for testing or trying to right his head again, or so they said, but the rest of the time was spent in that cell. Pacing around, laying down, just waiting for his next batch of visitors to come knocking.

It was mostly talking when it wasn't lab work. Trying to piece together his memories correctly instead of how fragmented and rotted they had become. Barney didn't like talking about the shit they tried to bring up, even less so when he was acutely aware of them trying to get in his head. After years of people digging around in there, he wasn't exactly keen on just opening up or making it easy for them. It was damn near like pulling teeth and the older Barton didn't seem inclined to make it any easier on them no matter how long he was in there. And, really, he wasn't sure how long. Everything seemed to blur together.

But things had improved somewhat. Less violent tendencies towards the staff. Less attempts at escape. Not zero, that likely wouldn't come for a long time, but not constant now. He'd even been permitted books in the cell when he hadn't used one the first time when a security guard had stepped in.

And, probably most importantly, Clint's visits had come with fewer threats from his brother. Though there still wasn't any rush to hug his baby brother or anything or any sort of family reunion.

He'd been sitting on the edge of the cot when he heard the footsteps from outside the cell. A book in hand, Barney had spared only a brief glance at the glass separating them and that was all he needed. Blond hair. Clint. His jaw still set in annoyance when blue eyes went back to the pages he'd been reading over though now he was mostly just pretending to. Ever sense was trained on the other man stood opposite the glass now. "...Really hoping you brought me something better to eat than the shit they serve here," he finally spoke up after a moment of silence. "Pretty sure even the Geneva Convention has something in there about feeding people better shit when they're prisoners of war."

[lieshot]

                           [ whatcha gonna do when there’s BLOOD in the water? ]

                                       Barney Barton  |  21+ Only  |  Penned by V 

©

[lieshot]

bit late notice but on a kind of hiatus the next few weeks. my schooling is crazy and work is crazy. It should hopefully settle down in three weeks.

[loveandangstmemes]

𝖼𝗈𝗇𝗏𝖾𝗋𝗌𝗍𝖺𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇𝗌 𝖿𝗈𝗋 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝖽𝖺𝗋𝗄𝖾𝗌𝗍 𝗈𝖿 𝗆𝗂𝗇𝖽𝗌.

More sentence starters for those who enjoy dark themed plotlines

“Why did you kill them?”

“Why are you here?”

“Do you believe that a god exists?”

“Is there anything that you believe in?”

“You try to save everyone, but who is there to save you?”

“Some accept their fate. I try to defy my fate.”

“ Are you sure you’re not the one who is losing their mind? ”

“You think I’m crazy. Well, I might be. But who needs a sane mind when lives are at stake?”

“How long are you going to keep running from your mistakes?”

“Do you have any regrets? I don’t. Regrets are for those who failed to take action.”

“Sometimes I wish the world can end. So that it can be rebuilt for anew.”

“I’m haunted by nightmares. When will the ghosts of my past cease to exist?”

“ A monster? Me? No. I’m the monster that humanity created me to be.”

“ Can you accept the darkness that lies in your soul? Or will you reject it out of fear it will consume you?”

“There is no such thing as an eternity. Without death, how can we be reborn?”

“Do you hear yourself? Are you trying to convince me or yourself?”

“ What do you even fight for?”

“Tell me the truth. Who are you really?”

“If I am to die, I want to die at the hands of someone I trust.”

“It’s easier to say goodbye to someone you hardly know. It’s harder to say goodbye to some you cared for the most.”

“ Even in my madness, I find solstice to cope.”

“Do you think praying will forgive the sins I caused?”

“I don’t wish for forgiveness. I wish for revenge.”

“ Will you run or will you fight? Both choices don’t guarantee one’s survival. But it proves who is a coward and who is brave.”

“You want to know who am? I don’t even know myself anymore.”

“ How much more innocence will take from yourself as you dirty your hands?”

[barnesandbarton]

Bucky’s jaw twitched and his eyebrows drew together.  He wasn’t scared of much, but telling Clint all the things he did to his brother?  Yeah, he was scared of that.  No matter what the outcome was, it would be shit.  Clint could be volatile.  He was a good guy but he was fueled by emotion and instinct and sometimes that ended up coming out in ways he regretted later.  There was a good chance Clint wouldn’t even let him finish.  He’d just storm out and tell him not to be there when he got back.  That would be heartbreaking for Bucky.  Worse still would be if he just said it was okay, that it wasn’t Bucky.  He’d heard so many times that when he had done that back then, he was a victim too, and he Bucky hated hearing it.  And if Clint did that, Barney would hold it against him.

Either way he knew that Clint wouldn’t be able to look at him.  Not right away.  Maybe not for a week or so while he processed it.  Even if he did tell him it wasn’t his fault.

But Barney was also right.  Not only did Bucky need to do this so Clint could make the choice to be with him based on all the information, but Bucky had hurt Barney and if Barney wanted him to tell the whole damned world what he’d done to the man, he’d do it.  Barney deserved that respect at least.

“Okay,” he said.  “I’ll tell him.”

Bucky shook his head.  “There’s a difference.  There’s a difference between your dad and Clint and all the rest of them.  Including me.  You want me to hurt.  You want me to feel everything I put you through.  It doesn’t matter that I did or worse before you got there.  You want it to be from your own hand.  But you watch the life drain out of my eye and you’re done.  You don’t mourn me.  You might think of me again but never consciously.  I’m just the avatar for the trauma you went through.  Your family though?  There’s always love there, even when there shouldn’t be.  You HATE your dad because he should have LOVED you.  You wanted that, right?  Wanted him to stop hitting you and tell you he was sorry.  The way he died wasn’t good enough because there was no resolution.  There was just an escape that took your mother with it.   There was no, I was wrong.  I should have been better.  There was just the cops at your door and  them taking you to the next place where the cycle started over.  But you don’t think about those foster parents with the same burning hatred you feel for your dad right?  They’re just faceless fists that hit you or abused you in other ways and then bounced you to the next faceless abusers.  I bet you can still see your dad’s face right?  Probably even clearer than your moms.  Because he had one job and that job was to love you and you were a little boy who couldn’t see why you didn’t get that.”

That was a risky speech.  He knew there was truth to it.  He had so many friends with that same trauma.  He’d heard it again and again like a loop.  He’d heard all those things from Clint’s lips when he’d been drunk and hurting so bad he was doubled over with it. Steve Rogers’ dad who beat him and his mother until he died young.  Tony Stark who’s would be pacing the room while he talked about needing a drink because his father had taught him that’s how you processed pain and grief from the age of seven.  Bruce Banner who had been thrown down the stairs by his father at the age of two and then ended up beating that same man to death by his mother’s grave.

But Barney wouldn’t want to hear it.  Not from anyone, especially not from Bucky Barnes.  And there was a chance it would be the straw that sent his rage right over.

“But Clint - Clint’s different again.  Because you do actually love him.  You love him and hate him and resent him.  It’s all a jumble of emotions.  He never beat you.  All he did was be the imperfect person he is.  Good enough to get accolades, but caught up in his ego not to realize who was getting left behind or yes, even hurt.  And that’s what hurts.  He SHOULD have noticed.  Because YOU would have, right?  You wouldn’t have left him to rot in HYDRA.  If there was no body, YOU wouldn’t have rested until you found one.  Because you love him.  And it stings to know that he didn’t do the same for you.  Especially when you were going through what you did.  But YOU - the real you, not THIS  - YOU wouldn’t want him dead for that.  The real you will grieve if you do it.  So you gotta get to the bottom of this because it won’t fix it.  It won’t.  You’re just gonna make it worse.”

His prosthetic flexes and he’s hit by the sudden urge to remind Barney exactly who he’s dealing with.  To start beating on him until SHIELD come in and drag him out of there.  The conversation is done.  If he stays in here any longer one of them will snap and it won’t be pretty.   He shoves his hands into his pockets and nods at the security camera.  “You’ve warned me.  And I’ve warned you.  The people who are important to Clint are important to me too.  You get out of here, I know what’s gonna happen.  I won’t stop.  I won’t be held on a leash.  I’ll put you down.  You know I can do it, all that bravado doesn’t change what you know to be true.” 

[lieshot]

He expected some resistance, an ARGUMENT that telling Clint wouldn't resolve jack shit. And yet, how quickly the other seemed to agree. It was enough to cause Barney to make a small tsk against his teeth, laying back against the cot. ❝ Ty po-prezhnemu gotov podchinyat'sya prikazam, kak khoroshiy malen'kiy soldat, ❞ he muttered in Russian as a dig. You're still willing to obey orders like a good little soldier. And here he was calling Barney the dog. At least he wasn't no damn german shepherd just handing someone else the LEASH after being free. Maybe part of him had wanted that CONFLICT. Just give him a reason to let loose. Right now he was only being cordial for the sake of the cigarette he took a drag from, but he was ready to SNAP at any moment.

And Bucky was giving him every single reason with the following words that fell past his lips. It visibly made him TENSE, the cigarette filter being crushed between his fingers and eyes avoiding looking directly at the man. Jaw set and locked, one hand trembling with every URGE to stand up and beat him senseless. He didn't know shit, didn't know anything, he couldn't. But part of it was a terrifying truth: He could recall his dad's face perfectly. Beet red from the liquor, contorted into the perfect vision of RAGE. He didn't know it but practically the spitting image of when Barney had gone BERZERK on Bucky in that warehouse, swinging a knife around to get any sort of hit down on him. Clearly anger ran more in the blood of one brother than the other though he wouldn't dare compare Clint to their ma.

The worst part was that some days, if he really tried, he still couldn't get a perfect image of his mother's face. How he had loved her and he could barely recall what she looked like. Whisps of blonde hair, a broken smile, but that was about it. Probably blue eyes but Barney couldn't recall for certain.

❝ You shut your goddamn mouth when you're talkin' about her. ❞ That country twang came out just a little thicker, too pissed off to rely on the slightly more city accent he'd adopted in his twenties. No one had any RIGHT to even mention her and that's all Bucky seemed to be doing. Bringing up his parents, throwing those memories back in his face. A trip down hellish memory lane, the man having been determined to keep the thoughts of HYDRA and his childhood locked away in the furthest recesses of his mind. Don't think about them, don't let them break him DOWN. And like hell he was going to admit that he could barely recall his mother to the asshole in the cell with him.

Just STOP talking. Of course Barney wouldn't have just let Clint rot. How many times in the army had he others sat, waiting for news of MIA comrades? How many times had he and the others been the ones to go and recover whoever and whatever they could after a mission? Dog tags had never been SUFFICIENT enough for Barney back then, though that was part of their whole purpose. No body, no proof, especially when their missing brothers could just as easily wind up as prisoners of war. There was always a sense of RELIEF when a corpse was found though it was coupled by grief. At least they were done suffering. At least they were done FIGHTING. Right now, he'd liken them more to his brothers than his own flesh and blood. The one that had been CONTENT to just sit back and do nothing. If they had known, if they had heard about him 'dying' while undercover—— well, Barney would bet all he had that they'd be looking for him.

Clint had just sat back and either KNEW or didn't give a shit enough to actually look. It still felt like the former, especially with how many times the little Avengers had come to blows with HYDRA and he never knew? Never looked over records or anything? ❝ I might have gone lookin'. But that's just because I had a duty of fuckin' care put on me as a kid for the damned RUNT. You know how many bodies I had to pull back in the army? Clint never really learned the lesson of 'no man left behind'. ❞ He didn't deserve to be anyone's HERO.

Not with what Barney knew. Not with what he wanted the WORLD to know.

He could see the shift in the other at the mention of bringing Clint down and his lips twitched upwards for just a moment in a clear smirk before settling back down. Clearly he wasn't the only one with a TEMPER. Sitting back up, Barney was slow to get to his feet. Just in case, he wouldn't be caught off guard again. ❝ No, you aren't getting the PICTURE yet. First, I'm going to ruin his name. Make every fuckin' civilian doubt him. Maybe even his own little teammates. Then I'm gonna start picking off anything he cares about. Rip him apart, piece by piece. Beat him to hell several times, not just once. Maybe I'll come for you first to get under his skin, maybe after so you can see the AFTERMATH, who knows? But he's gonna regret every day I was left down there. I'll destroy him until he just wishes it was over. And you might just be around to see the FINALE of this little fuckin' circus act. ❞ Once and for all. Then maybe Clint would have an idea of what he had gone through. Break him down just like HYDRA had tried to do.

[barnesandbarton]

Bucky shrugged.  “You can do whatever you want.  I told you, I’m not looking for your forgiveness.  I wouldn’t accept it if you tried.  You can do whatever you want with the grudge you’re bearing.  I deserve it.  I told you that wasn’t a story about pity.  It was a story about numbers.  I didn’t remember you because you were one of hundreds.  I didn’t know who you were.  I didn’t recognize the kid in the photos Clint showed me.  You meant nothing to me then.  Hurting you was how I avoided being hurt and you were just one more nameless, faceless mass of flesh that I had to torture to avoid the same thing happening to me.”  He sighed and shook his head.  “That’s not to say I don’t feel bad NOW.  I do.  I am trying to remember all these people and what I cost them.  I’m trying to figure out ways I can make up for what I did.  It’s hard and if you’ve got a way that doesn’t involve me hurting my partner or breaking you out of here, I’d be open to it.  I want you to do the work, so I know for sure, when I do try and make up for what I did, it’s you and not HYDRA’s rabid dog that I’m helping.  But I also know, there’s no real way I can.”

All he could do was try and put good back into the world now.  It didn’t undo it, but maybe it balanced the overall kama.

Bucky nodded.  “I believe you.  I believe at the time when he said that, you wanted to beat the shit out of him.  I bet you hated his guts for saying that about your ma.  I also don’t doubt he felt bad about it too.  Not just because he said it about his mom, but for saying it about his dad too.  And I know, that deep down there’s the part of you that knows that was a very wounded child speaking out of anger and grief about how fucking cruel and unfair the world had been to him.  I know that deep down you know that hatred didn’t last long because he was the only thing you had left and you spent years protecting him.  And I know that  deep down you know that love and hate can go hand in hand.  Because the opposite of love isn’t hate.  It’s indifference.  This hate and vengeance you feel wouldn’t even be there if you didn’t also love him and feel betrayed by him.”  He snapped the elastic on his wrist again, and then reached back and gathered his hair into a half bun and used the elastic to tie it back.  “You know what, if you do the work, I don’t even think this feeling of betrayal and jealousy you feel will go away.  I definitely don’t think you’ll ever feel fully comfortable around me.  I killed Tony Stark’s parents you know?  And we do get along now, he fixes this up for me if I ask -” he held his hand up and flexed the metal plates.  “Shit, he’ll fly right across the country if I call him to ask him to do it.  But there are days where he’s just a piece of shit to me.  And I get it.  I’ll take it.  That’s his pain and his grudge and I deserve to be called Freezer Burn and have him try and antagonize me.  It could be worse.  So don’t you worry, it’s not going to change who you are. You won’t come out feeling like a little ball of love and light.  But you’ll realize that the drive you have to actually kill the guy, that’s them.  That wasn’t in you until they set me on you.  And it took a lot to beat that into you.  I really did.” 

He laughed and stood up.  “Yeah, I know.  I don’t doubt you can.  But that’ll be the end of you.  You’ll be on a suicide run.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” 

[lieshot]

Going on and on and on, he just wouldn't shut up. There was no one ELSE in his head and yet everyone was so insistent. Why? Because it was unfathomable that someone HATED Hawkeye? That a brother hated a brother? Brothers fought all the time, even stood on opposite sides during wars. This was nothing new, nothing ground breaking. It put Barney on EDGE; they were just all full of shit and they were the ones trying to get inside his head. Twist his thoughts until it was what they all wanted. Barney could feel a throbbing in his skull, placing the wrist of one hand against his temple to SOOTHE the ache forming.

What would Barnes know? He wasn't there, he was the one that had beat him over and over again. Years on end. Now it felt like round two but this time with WORDS. Barney wouldn't fall for it, he couldn't let himself have even a moment of SYMPATHY for Clint and what all he might have gone through since they fell off, since his older brother had supposedly 'died'.

❝ You recognize me now though, right? You remember all that shit back then? ❞ His voice came out just slightly strained from the throbbing in his head but Barney managed to steady it after a moment, lowering his hand and meeting the familiar gaze once again. There was that fire in blue eyes again, BURNING like it wanted to consume everything in its path. ❝ You really think Clint gives a shit? Then I want you to go back, and I want you to tell him every time you beat me. Tell him how many times I felt your metal fist or a knife, how much blood I lost over that whole time. Or how about what a mess I looked because of YOU. And if he actually cares, he ain't even going to be able to look you in the face. ❞

Out of all the people his pathetic brother could be with, it was this guy? One of the ones that had made his life a NIGHTMARE? He used to feel his heart drop with dread every time he stood face-to-face with the Winter Soldier. Now? Now that fear was gone but the rage still lingered. Etched into every line on his face, muscles still TENSE as though he prepared for another round.

How full of shit he was. He thought it ended there? Foster home to foster home, Barney had STILL been forced into the role of the protector. And then to the circus, he was in the shadows while the piece of shit that never did anything got the GLORY. It went beyond simple jealousy, it was a BITTERNESS in his chest that could choke him out. ❝ I don't love what I hate. I didn't love my dad. Didn't love the mafia when I was undercover. Didn't love those fucks in the bunker. Don't love Clint. I've felt hatred enough to know it. ❞ It was an old friend, just like nearly dying several times over. A comrade at his side only now, he wasn't FIGHTING it anymore. He had grown tired of being the 'bigger person', even if back then he'd been known to leave someone bruised up. It was a whole different ball game now.

❝ You gonna kill me when I get out of here? ❞ Barney scoffed; he wasn't easy to kill. Not Harold, not the army, not the mafia, not HYDRA, and Bucky had already missed his shot. There wouldn't be a second chance. ❝ Well, can't say I didn't offer a deal. But I want you to know that I'm comin' for everything that makes my brother him. Not gonna kill him until he WISHES he were dead. And I really hope you enjoy seeing him broken down piece by piece before I put an arrow in his SKULL. ❞

[lieshot]

It doesn't have to be this way, This isn't who we are.

( Barney + Clint ft @barnesandbarton )

[barnesandbarton]

Bucky drank the water in a single gulp and poured himself another.  He tossed the paper cup into the trash and sat down again.  He couldn’t help but laugh and shake his head.  “Okay, sure, Barney.  Nothing like a healthy ego, huh?”

He shook his head. “This is gonna be the last time I say it because it’s useless going over it at this point.  I ain’t one of the head shrink guys.  You’ve had your mind twisted so you won’t accept what’s logically true.  He thought you were dead.  He used to talk to me about you.  He’d say how guilty he felt about losing you before the two of you could make up properly.  He took me to your fuckin’ grave on your birthday.  And I didn’t tell him about you, because I didn’t remember.  I know you don’t believe me.  That’s okay.  But I need you to hear it so when you finally get your head clear, you’ll know the truth.  I was used to train and torture so many people.  There was a point, during the sixties, they’d wake me up, bring me to a room, I’d torture someone for information, kill them when they gave it to me, they’d strip off my clothes, hose me down, I’d get wiped and put back under again.  I couldn’t even tell you how many times that happened, how many days went between people, what the information they wanted was.  It was just this cycle. Over and over.”  He looked up at Barney, trying to meet his eyes.  “Do you know how Cryogenics works?  How they can freeze a person and not have them die? They pump your blood full of sugar first, because sugar mixes with liquid in a way that means when it freezes the crystals bond in a very specific way that everything just slows down but doesn’t stop.  I was frozen so many times that now when I get cold I taste sugar.  And I’m not saying that to get sympathy.  I’m saying that so you know, you weren’t special, Barney.  That was the worst thing that’s ever happened to you, and god, knowing what I know about your childhoods, that’s saying something, but for me, you were one of so fucking many.  Just another face in the blur.  I didn’t know your name.  They called you tryuk but I only remember that when I first saw you.  And it wasn’t your face I remembered, it was the attitude.  I know that makes me an even bigger piece of shit.  I know.  I carry this with me every day.  All those people.”  He let out a breath and shook his head.  “I know Clint.  And I swear to you, he didn’t know.”

He knew Barney was just going to refute it again.  He’d drop it now.  The information was there.  Barney would come to it as the truth eventually, or he’d die in this fight that he couldn’t give up.  There was no third option.He shook his head, flexing his arm so that the plates along it all whirred and shifted into place. “It’s not open for negotiation, Barney.  I don’t need your help.  I have people I trust and can fight to help me.  If I take you along it’ll be a favor to you, and you earn that by doing the work.  Do the work, you get out of here, we can go make them pay for every single person they hurt.  For every blow they forced me to give you.  Don’t, and you can stay in here and rot, or break out and come for Clint and I’ll kill you.  That’s the deal.  That’s what’s on the table.”

[lieshot]

He didn't care to hear the sob story of his brother, of how he supposedly MOURNED. It was all bullshit, a tangled mess in his head that refused to believe it. Barney was utterly dismissive of it, snorting at the mention of Clint taking Barnes to his grave. Maybe there was some GUILT but that wasn't enough to absolve him of the hellish torture Barney had endured. The disregard, saving other people but not his own flesh and blood. It was utterly DISGUSTING to Barney. What would Bucky know? He hadn't been there throughout his and Clint's lives. He didn't know the WORST of it or any of the truth.

❝ So what? Am I supposed to call you Jack Frost or some shit? ❞ he asked with a shrug, taking another drag of the cigarette. He didn't care how it worked, all he knew was that thanks to whatever fucking science they had had culminated in the Winter Soldier beating the shit out of him. Again and again and again. As COLD as it might seem, he would have preferred it if Bucky had died a long ass time ago. Taking punches from just any other agent, he could handle. That metal arm and his tactics were an ENTIRELY different story. Sure, it made him tougher, had him able to hold his own, but didn't make any punch hurt LESS.

He didn't know. It didn't matter what Clint told him, he would have no idea what it was like. Stories only painted so many pictures. Perhaps it was a toss up of which hurt more: the stranger with a metal arm taking blow after blow, or his own father beating him into the GROUND as a young child.

Either way, the mention of it had his jaw set, biting his inner cheek and resisting every desire to DECK him right then and there. If it weren't for the smokes tossed his way, he might have but he'd hold off. For now. ❝ You wanna know the moment I knew I HATED him? ❞ he asked, bringing the cigarette to his lips for a moment, exhaling smoke. ❝ We were just kids. Parents had gone out, dad was drunk and pissed off like normal. Next thing we know, there's cops on our doorstep. ❞ Of course, he had known something had happened back then. He just hadn't known the EXTENT of it. Not until they opened their mouths and he had felt sick to his stomach. ❝ Both our parents gone. Just like that. Harold, didn't give a shit about him. But ma? She was GOOD. She did her best. Tried to protect us. Like a guardian angel. And then that little shit opened his mouth. All he had to say was 'good'. Good they were GONE. It wasn't just that piece of shit, it was our ma. And Clint said it was good they were both gone like he didn't even care. ❞

Or at least how Barney had interpreted it. Just one word was all he had to say while Barney was REELING from the fact that their mother was gone. Bastard had taken the only good thing in their lives. And Clint hadn't cared. Punk kid, didn't even CARE about it.

He wasn't too surprised at the rejection. The man probably didn't want to be looking after his own BACK with Barney at his side. He couldn't say he didn't try. ❝ Well, I gave you my own terms. I might have even BEHAVED a bit more. Now you can only blame yourself when I get out of here. ❞ And Barney had no doubt in his mind that he would get OUT.

[lieshot]

Going on a week long vacation to the beach. I might be on, might not be. Depends on the day. Only con is I have to leave at like 0600 tomorrow so I'm just skipping sleep to sleep on the way there.

[lieshot]

update: got hurt at said beach so- stay safe, kids.

[barnesandbarton]

Bucky watches Barney as he takes in the long soliloquy.  Bucky’s not used to speaking quite so much.  He usually keeps it brief.  A few words.  Just what’s needed.  This was a lot even for Steve, and his throat feels dry by the time he’s done.  The scowl on Barney’s face throughout is no surprise to him.  Nor is he when Barney just refutes everything.  He’s gonna be a tough nut to crack.

“Forgiveness?  No.  I don’t deserve it.  I hate when people say they do.  They should hold onto that grudge.  The people I’ve hurt, the families I’ve broken up, I’ve gotta carry that with me.  Hold your grudge.   You earned it.” 

He actually laughed when Barney insisted that it wasn’t just Clint that HYDRA wanted him to go after.  “Listen to what you're saying, man,” he said. “HYDRA aren’t smart, but they’re not complete idiots.  You really think they were sending you out to take care of Thor?  Or the Scarlet Witch?  Barney, Wanda’s who killed your brother.  Twice.  I don’t even stand a chance against her.  They were under no allusion that you would be able to take out the others.  All that was just to get you to try.  Death by cop.  And if you managed to get a lucky kill, all the better.”

He laughed again, Leaning back in his chair. “You really think that anyone looked for me?  Sixty years!  I was with them for sixty years, Barney!  You got me right at the end when there was barely even a scrap of what I had been left.  They did all the things to me that they did to you, but they also shot electricity into my brain to push out the memories of who I was, while pumping me full of drugs.  They cut off my fucking arm and put this in place.  Do you even know how fucking heavy this fucking thing is?  You must, I hit you with it enough.  I have to walk around with it attached to me ALL THE TIME.  I don’t ever get a break from that.  No one was looking for me.  It’s the same story.  They thought I died, so they left my body to rot in the ocean.  The ONLY reason I got out was because they sent me after Steve Rogers and he hit me hard enough it knocked my muzzle off.  THEN he went looking.  And I promise you now, same thing would have happened with Clint.  If you’d ever gotten to the point of being deployed, he’d have recognized you, and he wouldn’t have rested until he got through to you.  I know you won’t believe that.  But I think if you look deep down, you’ll know it’s true.”

Bucky met Barney’s gaze and gave a short nod.  “I’ve cleared out a few bases.  My big goal is Red Skull.  Zola would be good too.  Those two are like fucking roaches.  Think you’re done with them, and they crawl out of the woodwork again.  Intel says the Skull is in some base in Latveria.  Fucking ballsy move if you ask me.  Doom would tear him apart if he knew.  But I don’t know how I can get in without Doom doing the same to me.  Don’t worry though.  I’ll figure it out.”   He got up, going over to the sink and filling one of the paper cups with water. “You can help.  But you gotta do the work.  Can’t take you with HYDRA still tangling up your thoughts.” 

[lieshot]

❝ Gods still bleed. So do witches. ❞ Just keep to the shadows, it was what he did BEST anyways. A military sniper, an undercover agent. Barney was never one on the frontlines, he was in the shadows, working in the dark. Of course, things were different now. He wasn't playing the undercover agent anymore. He wasn't passing as the young, dumb goon anymore. Now, while he worked still in the shadows, he also had no qualms about drawing blood DIRECTLY. Barney had never been soft by any means but the rough edges now cut like BLADES.

Maybe he was being cocky but Barney liked to think that he had EARNED that. Either way, it wasn't like he had any INTENTION of actually going after any of them so long as they stayed out of his way. The rest of them could screw around, play up the hero aspect all they wanted. It was just background noise to Barney. People to avoid, especially if they got wind of him trying to KILL one of their own. If Clint blabbed, they'd probably be all on his ass.

It was hard for him to have any sympathy for the man that beat him to a PULP repeatedly. Like Bucky had said, he'd been on the RECEIVING end of that metal arm multiple times. The old Barney would. Sure, he put up a tough front, but he had given a shit about others around him. That one had been shot up and beat into the ground MULTIPLE times over. He couldn't believe the words that he was saying, that Clint would give a shit. If Barney had caught word of his brother dying without a body as EVIDENCE, Barney would have done anything. Do whatever could to save him if he could.

Clint hadn't even TRIED.

❝ I don't buy that bullshit. You don't go taking out bases, gathering information, sleeping the literal enemy, and not KNOW. Just playin' dumb is all. He gets his perfect status and not worry about his stupid brother. ❞ There were too many pieces, too many PARTS and chances for Clint to know and do nothing. He had turned a blind eye and one day, Barney would make sure he PAID for it.

But not right now. That'd be a stupid move, even if Clint waltzed right in. Instead, his attention perked up at the mention of taking out HYDRA bases. ❝ Dunno who this Doom guy is, but—— ❞ he shrugged slightly, lifting the cigarette up momentarily in a gesture towards it. ❝ You clearly like DEALS. Clint wouldn't give me shit. You and I both got grudges against those fucks. ❞ They had both SUFFERED, though Barney wasn't interested in his, not when he couldn't feel much pity for him. ❝ Don't give a fuck about the 'work'. I feel clear headed. I've taken out OTHERS before with no issue. But you get me out, let me take more of those fuckers out, I might fight a little less. Come back to this stupid ass cell peacefully. And I won't TACKLE another guard for a while. Besides, you can shoot me in the leg or somethin' if you're so certain I'm about to turn or some shit. ❞

[barnesandbarton]

Bucky watched the man carefully as he got up and approached.  He kept his face neutral, though he was impressed that he was brave enough to come over.  Even more impressed when he was knocked to the ground and threatened.  Not worried, though, there was a risk with that lit cigarette, Bucky could easily overpower Barney if needed.  If he went to try and burn him, Bucky would just need to catch his hand with his prosthetic and squeeze, and it would shatter every bone.  But Bucky didn’t think he’d risk that.  Not when there was the potential promise of more cigarettes.

He was right.  Barney let him go and moved back, and Bucky got back up, straightening out the chair and taking a seat again.  “You’re right.  We’re not in HYDRA anymore.  I gotta admit, my memory of that time is a little -” he rocked his hand back and forth.  “Never like admitting weakness, but the number they did on my head.  I’m pretty sure it’s all there, but sometimes it just feels that little bit out of reach.  They really made me their little lap dog though.  They said jump, I didn’t even ask how high before I’d put everything I had into the leap.  There were these moments - maybe I’d get a knock to the head, maybe I’d see someone or something that triggered a memory from who I used to be, maybe, I’d just been left out of cryo without being reset for too long and the real me would start oozing into the shell, and I’d become aware that this was wrong.  What I was doing was wrong.  What they did to me was WRONG.  And they’d beat the absolute hell out of me and put me back in my place, and then they’d wipe me again, and it’d start from scratch.  But I do remember one time, I had a handler who felt bad about what they were doing to me and he tried to let me go.  I killed him.  Didn’t even think twice.  He was breaking orders so he had to die.”

He shook his head and tossed the rest of the cigarettes to Barney.  “Don’t wanna deal with the repercussions of leaving you with a lighter too, so you’ll have to see if any of the guards or agents will take pity on you and light you up from time to time.  Be nice to Phil and he might.”

He let out a breath and shook his head a little. “That is to say, I didn’t remember you much.  Just vague memories I have of all the training sessions they put me on. But hearing you just then, that brought it all back.  I beat the living hell out of you.  I mean - I’ve done worse in training sessions.  Some of my handlers were real fucking sadists and they didn’t really want me to teach, so much as break the person in every way a person could be broken.  Those are the ones I really try not to think up.  I’ve emptied my guts the few times those have come back to me. But it’s not a competition.  I fucked you up. And I am sorry about it.  I know you don’t believe that.  But I am.  People keep telling me it wasn’t my fault.  I wasn’t in control. They really don’t get it.  Yeah, maybe if I had any control of what I was doing I would have fought back.  I know I did to begin with.  It’s why they kept me the way they did. There was no value to me if I remembered who I was.  But it was still me.  My body.  My fists.  I remember doing it.  I did it.  And I wish I could change that.  So all I can say is; I’m sorry.  And if you wanna come over and have a couple of free hits, if that’ll make you feel a tiny little iota of justice, I’ll give it to you.  But let me tell you this right now; if you get out of here, which I don’t doubt that you can do, and you come for Clint, or any of the people he’s close to, I will personally show you all the things I can do.  And if you think the Winter Soldier was bad, he’s nothing compared to me when I’m trying to protect the people I love.”

He huffed and shook his head.  He flicked an elastic band around his wrist, letting it snap against this skin, as he tried to draw his focus back to the point he was here to make.  

“Look.  Here’s the thing.  I do remember.  I remember what they did to you, and what they were trying to do to you.  They used me to beat you into submission so you’d get more and more angry that you weren’t good enough to stand up to what they had.  They fed you all that stuff about Clint to feed your natural jealousy you already felt for him.  Where I had no value if I remembered being Captain America’s kid sidekick, you had no value forgetting it.  What good is some guy who’s good at archery but not better than the person they want him to take out?  Unless he remembers how that target was always putting him down and putting him in the shadows.  They wanted you to remember.  You might think that you got away from them by killing them all, which - thank you for that, saves me one nest I don’t have to clear out -  but you’re now doing exactly what they trained you to do.  They wanted you to take out an Avenger.  That was their sole goal.  If they made you so angry at your brother, they could just let you go and just like a little wind up toy, you’d run off and do as much damage as you could until you took out Hawkeye and then got put down.  If you don’t let the people here help you with that, they win.  They do.  Killing them won’t matter.  Cut off one head, and two more take its place.  They don’t care that you killed a bunch of them, as long as you also kill Hawkeye.  They win.”

[lieshot]

A frown had crossed his lips as Bucky began to speak of his time with HYDRA. Returning back to sit on the cot, cigarette between his lips, blue eyes were focused more on the floor than the other man. Here he had been expecting some sort of speech on how much Clint cared about him, just like everyone else that had spoken to Barney in his time in the cell. But a trip down goddamn memory lane straight back to HYDRA wasn't something Barney had anticipated nor anything he wanted to hear about. Teeth bit down slightly on the filter of the cigarette as his jaw clenched as Barnes continued.

It wasn't something Barney liked to think about. If he tried, if he wanted to, he could remember most of his time there. Maybe a couple years worth missing, but the rest were there. Willingly left untouched in the farthest recesses of his mind. The darkest corners left to ROT and collect dust, Barney hoping one day for them to fade entirely. But it was a monster waiting for him one day, one that he would rather not DEAL with and just leave it all in the past. To not recall where each scar came from during that time. To not recall how he had practically wished for DEATH in those days and it constantly eluded him. How he tried to just lock them AWAY where he could start some new life in the aftermath.

It wasn't what he had before. It never would be again, he wasn't interest in the HEROICS anymore but it was a life of FREEDOM, right? At least he could go where he liked, even if he found himself constantly looking over his shoulder for THEM again. At least now he had choices rather than the pain day in and day out. Better than what he could have been facing.

Better than staring into the dead eyes of the Winter Soldier and wondering if that was what they wanted to turn him into.

Apparently the man was just full of surprises today. First the offering of cigarettes, and now an apology. Barney was just teetering on the edge of his own SANITY when Barnes had said it. Doing everything he could not to fall into that pit of memories as they were dredged up. Even punch, kick, near DEATH at the hands of the other. He was also trying to remain as COMPOSED as possible. As if the words weren't having an effect on him. So he managed a snort with a shake of his head, pausing to take a drag of the cigarette before speaking to the other man, ❝ If you're looking for FORGIVENESS, that's always been my brother's thing. Not mine. ❞ Barney would keep swinging, even when his opponent was down and OUT sometimes. Get hit, hit HARDER.

Regardless of who Bucky was now, he had said it himself: It had still been his own hands. It had still been that same face Barney would look up at from on the ground before the handlers would INTERVENE and lead their Soldier away. There was no looking at him without recalling those eyes, dead as they were, and so ready to draw blood. Barney had gotten better over time, sure, enough to hold his own. But that didn't make up for every other damn time. He still hadn't BEAT him yet. But Barney would get his pound of flesh in time.

He was wrong. Completely wrong. Barney scowled slightly, inhaling smoke and tobacco into his lungs as the continued words continued to piss him off further. Wrong, wrong, WRONG. ❝ You think they were just setting me up to go after Clint? ❞ Barney scoffed. It wasn't that. He'd had every member of the Avengers' files pushed in front of him. It had gone BEYOND just Hawkeye, studying their history, talents, weaknesses, watching footage of them in action. It was so much MORE than just his brother and, in Barney's eyes, PROOF that Barnes was full of shit. ❝ I saw all of them in the files. Supposed to go after ALL of 'em. ❞ Though, in the end, there was no interest in any of the others.

They were just those that might get in his way, nothing else.

He wasn't under their control, he had to firmly believe that. That he'd come out on top, that he WON in the end. This was all just some trick because he happened to be pissed as his brother. This was nothing more than actual brainwashing to get rid of all that built up ANGER. A trick, a trap, and he wasn't about to fall for it. His vendetta against Clint was of his OWN volition and nothing more, there was no one else in his head. ❝ I know it's hard to believe, but it's all me up here. No one else. Just cause you want to be all buddy buddy with people you knew doesn't mean I do. This is a grudge a lot OLDER than HYDRA. ❞ Just him, only him. ❝ And it ain't just jealousy. You had someone actually LOOKING for you. I didn't have that luxury, now he's gonna pay for it. ❞

But there was a thought that occurred based on Bucky's words. Taking another drag, eyes moved from the floor to the other. He mentioned taking out their 'nests'. ❝ ——You goin' after them? ❞ Barney asked. After HYDRA, picking off what was left. They were pests, hidden away in the shadows. More TARGETS he had besides Clint, having been doing his own clearance.

[barnesandbarton]

Bucky’s memories of his time in HYDRA were a little mixed up.  They were all there, but when he thought about the time it was like trying to recall a dream.  It was out of order and disconnected.  Sometimes he needed a specific trigger to recall something.  And seeing Barney there, tense like he’s ready to be kicked but still fighting, everything comes flooding back.  Every time he’d been brought to the guys cell and ordered to break him.  Every blow of his fists into his very human body.  Every time a bone broke under his fist or foot.  Every drop of blood, be it from a blade or spat from the guy's mouth.  He remembered exactly the types of methods they used to break him.  Clint had been the main one and god, how it had been easy for them to tap into that jealousy.

He flinched a little at the memory and he knew that Barney would have seen it.  Probably he’d be thinking it was fear of him.  Bucky didn’t fear Barney.  He feared that Barney was unsavable and he’d end up having to kill the guy, because if that happened, he and Clint would be over.  And Clint was the best thing that had ever happened to him.  He didn’t want to hurt him like that.  He didn’t want to lose him.

“Yeah, yeah.  You’re real scary,” he deadpanned.  “Look at me.  Shaking in my boots.”

He held the cigarette out in front of him, looking at the ember glowing at the end.  “Oh, you want one of these?” he asked.  He put the cigarette out on his prosthetic.  He didn’t want it anyway.  He flicked the half smoked stick across the room.  Barney could get it later.  He might even be able to convince someone to light it if he held onto it.   In the meantime, Bucky tapped another cigarette out and lit it.  He flipped it in his hand, holding it out to Barney.  He figured the amount of damage he could do with a lit cigarette was minimal, but he wasn’t going to leave him with a lighter.  It would be interesting to see just how far his bravado went too.  Would he be willing to risk coming into Bucky’s reach.  “Come on.  Take it.  Might as well, ‘cause I’m gonna talk either way.”

[lieshot]

His nose twitched slightly in irritation at the cigarette being flicked across the room, one fist curling momentarily before he forced it to relax again. With Clint, he could at least IGNORE him or get under his skin easily. There was still that anger burning in his veins but this was different. This was a wound being pulled back open just watching him, especially in a setting like THIS. Maybe not a dark cell, not being dragged out to be tortured constantly, but it was a REMINDER, a place he had barely escaped before it was too late. Alarms in his head, a reminder in his gut. Part of him was just WAITING for the Winter Soldier to bring into action.

Slowly, he stood from the bed, walking towards the other male. Eyes never left his, watching for even the slightest TWITCH that might indicate an attack. He wasn't scared, he was cautious and ALERT, primed to fight back. Hell, part of him wanted to just to get back at him. Get revenge for every drop of blood, Barney always living by the philosophy of an eye for an eye. Well, usually two eyes for an eye if he were being honest.

He took the cigarette, before his other hand shot out. Grabbing the throat, tipping him back in the chair before his foot kicked out the leg chair and sending them both to the GROUND though he didn't release his grip. ❝ You keep talkin', but that's all you're gonna do. I ain't looking for a trip down memory lane. We're not in HYDRA anymore. ❞ Let him run his damn mouth, Barney didn't CARE about that, He could at least drown him out with his own thoughts. But like hell this prison would be like the LAST.

Barney released him then, getting back to his feet, cigarette still in his hand. ❝ Say what you want, I don't give a shit. Got me a cigarette, I'll let you go on so we're even. ❞ That would be the end of his APPRECIATION, what he was willing to give the other. At least he wasn't telling him to get the fuck out, he wasn't trying to FIGHT this time save to give his own warning. Well, it was certainly better than what Clint had offered with the shitty electronic cigarette that had been collected some time ago by one of the damn guards.

Give a little bit, get a little bit. Clearly Barnes knew how to get what he wanted, this time without being given orders to HURT like before. That didn't mean that there was any TRUST there, that likely wouldn't ever happen. Not while Barney could look at him and correlate directly to his former captors.