Iris

My life: downfalls, secrets, feelings, aspirations

[itsconsumingme-deactivated20210]

I’ll never be the same 

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[xlittle-hatefuckx-blog]

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wow it's like someone found a transcript from a therapy session of mine

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Dressing in black to match my heart and soul

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Update part 2

I miss Tex. I hate myself for caring about him after how he treated me. I'm really bummed about JD but I should have known better. I barely made it to my 21st. I had a pretty nasty slip up with depression a few days before. My birthday came and went. It was pretty uneventful. I was supposed to have this super fun bar crawl on my birthday with like 20 people. No one showed up. JD came, my roommate and her girlfriend and that was it. My mom and her boyfriend along with one of my friends came but all left quickly. I nearly cried. I never realized how unimportant I was to everyone. I've been struggling with feeling unimportant and forgettable as that's been the common thing this summer. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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Lol @ my life

Update. Life is shit. Tex told his whole family I’m crazy. He didn't even acknowledge my birthday. That hurt. Film came home. We don’t speak. Insert my idiotic choice of hooking up with my ex, JD. JD and I dated for two years partially during high school and partially in college. It was a messy breakup but I never 100% got over him and then Tex came around. After my wreck, JD started talking with me a lot again. He even showed up to the ER the night of the accident. My stupid girl brain didn’t register that he was probably only interested in sex. So here I am just shy of two months since my accident. JD is done with me after a month and a half of hooking up and kind of acting like we were together. He doesn’t want what I want so I’m back to being alone and depressed. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression for years. When I’m alone, it can get really scary. I’d be lying if I said there weren’t times I nearly lost to depression. I guess it’s a blessing I haven’t lost the battle yet. On the same note, I’m not really sure why I’m even around. I guess I’ll find out or lose. What a positive outlook 🤗

[n0thinggoodeverstayswithme]

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Rants- Film

Another boy rant. This one is about a guy I’m naming Film because he’s 16 years older than me and a photographer as well. So we met in class back during the fall semester. He used to intimidate the f*ck out of me. Second semester, we didn’t have class together but I still saw him around and we’d always chat. So fast forward to Cinco de mayo, tequila and bad decisions. I woke up with Film in my bed the morning after a party at my house. Whoops. So I blew it off and we didn’t talk for a few days. Then we started talking and started hooking up. That morphed into literally hooking up every day and when we weren’t busy we were together. It was a lot of fun. He even took some really dirty scandalous pictures of me and I loved it. We meshed really well. But as I’m getting over Tex, I didn’t want a relationship. Especially not with a guy so much older and not really my type. To make it brief, I held back on all feelings and was just enjoying sex and a man that would get high with me and cook for me. Our two mutual good friends called us out one day asking us what was going on between us. We tried to play it off as casual but for me, a trigger went off in my head and I realized it wasn’t very casual. We would make dinner, have wine and talk, then cuddle, watch a documentary (our favs), sex and then sleep. It wasn’t causal at all. So I tried to break things off and slow it down after an awkward “what are we” conversation. Well I got in my wreck and he spent basically the whole night in the ER watching over me. He was so worried about me. He even made the effort to introduce himself to my grandparents and because of how affectionate he was, they assumed he was my secret boyfriend. Well my Mom ended up meeting Film and loving him. So my whole family loves Film and tells me all about how great he is. So I’m like “well shit, I totally have feelings for him now” so we meet up one last time before he headed off to Europe for 6 weeks. We kind of made up but only to going back to where we were before. Film left for Europe. I was pretty sad and kept myself busy with surgery after my wreck. So the night after my surgery I decide I want to tell Film that I had some feelings for him. I didn’t want to date, but I wanted him to know. I was chatting online with our friend who was out there with him. My friend convinced me I needed to tell Film how I felt ASAP. So I casually said hey I want to tell you something. But we didn’t actually ever have the conversation. The next night I text our friend and he’s like yeah we went out to a bar in Germany. In the back of my mind I’m like “oh no. Please no.” I messaged Film asking him how the bar was. He goes “oh my god, you’ll never guess what happened. This German girl asked me to go home with her so I did.” HAHAHAHAHA insert me crying. It was partially my fault for not telling him sooner, but also because over a month earlier I told him I didn’t care if he did anything in Europe with other girls (mostly because he wasn’t a one night stand kind of guy). So that came back to bite me in the ass. Film apologized and felt bad for hurting me. We stopped talking back on the 22nd of June. It’s been shitty because I lost a friend and had my heart broken a little bit. Film comes back on the 22nd of July, so very soon. Stay tuned for an update because I’m sure he’ll try to contact me or come over.

Until then, I'm just salty about German Becky with the good hair. Ashes to Ashes. Dust to German side chicks.

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PREACH 🙌🏼

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Rants- Tex

I really want this down and out of my mind. I dated this guy. We’ll call him Tex. Tex and I dated for nearly 2 years. We met on Tinder. (Yes mildly successful relationships can begin on Tinder) anyway, we broke up. I felt like he stopped caring about me. So we semi broke up. It was a long time coming. I wasn’t happy and I feel like he wasn’t either. Tex didn’t make an effort to see me even though we only live 45 minutes away during the school year. So late April/ early May we broke things off. It was mostly my doing. He makes a yearly camping trip to Utah without cell service. The previous year he worked his ass off to talk to me daily. This year we spoke once for like 10 minutes. It made me realize I wasn’t a priority anymore. That and we talked about moving in together for the summer and he acted all for it but when it came time to make it happen, he didn’t try. So I was hurt. I gave up. I didn’t want another long distance summer relationship. This would have been summer #3 of long distance. So we broke up. About a month of hardly talking but agreeing that we’d probably get back together during the fall semester, I got in a car wreck. It was a nasty wreck. I was taken away in an ambulance and broke my wrist pretty bad. I called Tex from the back of the ambulance as the paramedic is pumping morphine into my IV. I was crying and so scared, obviously I wanted to talk to someone who cared about me. Tex didn’t answer. So I brushed it off as him not knowing that I was just in a wreck. So I texted him something like “hey car wreck. I’m going to the ER in an ambulance” Any normal person would call or text immediately after seeing that right? Nope. Not Tex. He didn’t call or text at all. He randomly did later on and was like ‘Hey are you okay’ WTF EXCUSE ME. yeah dude. I’m fine. I almost died. Nbd whatever. So anyway. I was hurt. He kept making excuses of why he didn’t call and I kept making excuses for him to make myself forgive him. You can only forgive so much. I was still in pain and struggling mentally days/weeks later and he still never tried to comfort me. If the roles were reversed I would have driven the 13 hours to his hometown that he goes back to for the summer. He didn’t do that for me. So I broke things 100% off. We haven’t spoken in weeks. It’s nearly killed me. I miss him so much. We used to be so happy. We were a great couple. Things just fizzled out and it kills me. I found out he was at his yearly floating trip with his family that I normally go on. I texted his family friend that knows us both really well and asked her if he had mentioned me. Apparently he’s telling all of his family and friends that I’m crazy. So that hurts. So here I am. I’m pretty hurt. I cried a lot when I found out he was talking about me like that. I have some good friends that are helping me try to cope but it’s not really working as well as I wish. I miss him. I don’t know who he is anymore. He’s not the Tex I fell in love with.

[thebelchers]

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Me as hell

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Introductions

Introductions are awkward but here’s some cool facts about me that most of the people in my life probably don’t know: –I wish I was born precisely in 1964. I would have been 16 at the beginning of the 80s, 21 halfway through, and 26 at the end. –^^I have an obsession with the 80s. I obsessively follow this 80s cover band around going to their shows because it’s the closest I can get –I love cacti –I met Tim Tebow while wearing a trash bag as a rain poncho. He was wearing a suit. I feel like it’s a pretty good analogy for my life. –I broke my wrist in two places and successfully detached my hand from my arm. It’s all good tho, I had surgery –I wish I could marry George Strait/Tim McGraw/Brad Paisley/Luke Bryan/Thomas Rhett –I’m a photographer. Like a legit photographer not a tumblr photographer. Photojournalist. –I’m fluent in Spanish but too awkward to actually use it. –I’m a quarter honorary Swedish. Aka my Dad married a Swede and I’m tall and blonde so it counts.