Once upon a time, I believed that the world could get better. I believed that every single person was good by nature and did bad things out of necessity. I wanted nothing more than to help everyone, no matter what. And somewhere along the line I changed, and I didn't even notice.
Somewhere along the line, I started judging everyone based on nothing at all.
Somewhere along the line, I decided that the world was irrevocably broken.
Somewhere along the line, I stopped wanting to help everyone.
Perhaps part of this was part of growing up, part of seeing the horrific things that humanity is capable of. And I tried so hard to be grown up that I forgot being a kid is more than playing games.
Being a kid is being able to see the blinding light of the world.
When I was 8 years old I told my mother that I was scared of growing up, because I didn't want to lose my imagination. She told me not to worry, because everyone changes when they grow up.
Well I lost my imagination, and with it I lost my endless hope, my ability to embrace the absurd and the extreme and to do stupid shit because I wanted to.
I don't want to be the person that I am now. Naively, I want to go back to that bubbly and hopeful being I once was.
So gods damn it, I'm going to try. I'm going to be kind. I'm going to walk into every room with no expectations and I'm going to deconstruct my judgements as best I can until every person I don't know is a blank slate of endless opportunity. I don't care if I never get anything out of this endeavor, if there's no reward. I don't care if no one notices, if after my death I am just a number in the history books.
12-year-old me swore that the only thing she wanted from life was to help everyone she possibly could. I may be an entirely different person now, but I want to keep that promise.
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