Life By Me

I'm scared to get close, and I hate being alone. I long for that feeling to not feel at all. The higher get the lower I'll sink. I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim.

[lifebyrose]

[lifebyrose]

I prefer to distance myself whenever I’m in a bad mood, because I’ll become the most heartless person you’ll ever meet.

[lifebyrose]

I get nervous about everything, sometimes I literally don't know why I'm anxious, I just am and no-one seems to understand that.

[lifebyrose]

I know what it’s like to be afraid of your own mind.

[lifebyrose]

The problem is, fairytales don’t come true. It’s the nightmares that always seem to become the reality.

[lifebyrose]

If one day you wake up

And I’m gone

Don’t cry, don’t grieve

Don’t write paragraphs about

How much you loved me

Because, when I was alone

In my darkest hours,

You weren’t the one

Who was there for me

To make sure that I was alright.

[lifebyrose]

[lifebyrose]

Before you date me

You need to understand that l'm damaged. I get triggered easily. I have struggled with things. There are nights when l'm curled up on a ball on the floor and I won't talk to anyone. I'll shut you out. I'm not going to be able to trust you for a while, because everyone has always left, cheated, or chosen someone else. I will need reassurance. | will need you. I will need you to keep choosing me. I'll need you to care when I text you saying I'm getting bad again. I'm a lot, I know this.

So before you think l'm always happy, that I'Il always be positive, that l'Il always be smiling - know the reality before you get involved. Don't enter my life if you can't handle it. Lastly, don't you dare touch my heart if you aren't ready for that.

[lifebyrose]

[lifebyrose]

Before falling in love with me, you must know about the constant meltdowns, and the nights of endless tears. You must know about my damaged heart, and my broken soul. Be aware that I never sleep at night, and sometimes I talk in my sleep. You must know about my need for your love, as well as my distant personality and constant fear of losing you. And know about my terrible fear of spiders, and the way I eat too fast for my own good.

But once you fall in love with that part of me, you can fall in love with my tender smile and warm embrace. You can fall in love with the way I'll warm your hands in mine, and tickle your feet with my toes. You can fall in love with the way I'll make you soup when you're sick, and how I'll kiss you when you get hurt. Fall in love with the way I laugh, and the soft spoken words of encouragement I'll give to you. You can either fall in love with me as a whole, or not love me at all.

[lifebyrose]

Don't get too close

I can't let you in

Cause I don't want you to see

How sad and unhappy

That I can truly be

I don't want you to hate me

Because I know you can't understand

So please don't take this chance

To become my best friend

I don't want to hurt you

Through the actions that I take

I'd rather be alone

Then hurt others in my wake

I've been doing fine on my own

I've survived these long years

But I can barely hold a smile

Pretending I'm okay

Holding back tears

As my insides break

But I swear I'm just fine

Don't look to close

Or you might see my true face

That holds so much pain and misery

Just leave me be

You can't understand

Cause you aren't like me

[lifebyrose]

[lifebyrose]

I am BPD.

I am the demon

That possesses your mind,

I am the ghost of all

You want to leave behind.

I am the monster

That will make you unstable,

The voice in your head

Making you depressed and suicidal.

I am your heart

Making your emotions intense,

I am your mind,

muddled and making no sense.

I am your brain

Making you neurotic,

With the perfect balance

Of a handful of psychotic.

I am your self-esteem

Making you feel worthless,

I will make sure you feel

That you have no purpose.

I am your impulsiveness

Making you act reckless;

Your need to harm yourself

Is becoming endless.

I am your soul feeling neglected,

You feel it very deeply

Because you need to be protected.

I am your extreme paranoia,

Making you live in a shell,

I’m a merciless destroyer.

I am your fear of rejection,

You will outburst

At the slightest disaffection.

So, I am BPD and I will ruin your life,

I will cover you in scars

Made by the blade of a knife.

[zeier]

They say time heals everything, but they aren’t the ones who are still waiting.

- zeier (2015)

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[zeier]

“The night is the hardest time to be alive, 4am knows all my secrets.”

- @zeier (2015)