I didn't know there was going to be a test

My life and struggles as a first generation college graduate, a once in shape mom who's trying to get back there, and a survivor of a dysfunctional family.

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Conflict

Mediation Journal

What is conflict?

We all live in conflict. Every day in all aspects of our lives, we are in conflict. Conflict exists with our family, our friends, our co-workers, and ourselves. As the youngest of four children who lived at home, I sought out conflict. I did so because my mother hid from it.  To the point of giving up her two oldest girls to their stepmother, even after she divorced their father, instead of engaging in the conflict to take back custody.

"Conflict exists when the difference, actual or perceived, between two or more parties, which is characterized by tension, mistrust, and poor communication." (Thompson, 1987) 

Multiple factors determine how we respond to everyday conflicts, such as our perception of what the other's response will be, the power dynamic, and past experiences. My style of negotiation: I am ranked highest in collaboration and lowest in avoidance.   

Because my mother avoided conflict, I was the person, even as a child, that wanted to understand both sides of any argument. I always wish to know why and what the underlying motivations for people's actions are. As a victim of sexual violence at a young age, I learned to compartmentalize strong emotions to remain calm. Sometimes this inhibits me from recognizing why strong emotional reactions happen; however, it is a strength because I am always keen to understand the underlying reasons I am seeing the reaction in front of me. 

As a criminal defense investigator for 15 years, I enhanced my abilities to compartmentalize my own emotions and reactions to very intense subjects. Because I learned to set those emotions aside, I can appear very detached at times from intense situations. While this allows me to separate the person from the problem very effectively, I worry that people may see this as a lack of empathy. I approach close family arguments with logic, and if facts and logic can prove things, I prefer to research and present those facts to conclude those arguments. However, there are times when emotions rule my mind. When my children are involved I find that logic and reasoning do not always rule.

Conflict can be a positive avenue to change. It comes in significant and highly charged terms, as well as, small and insignificant discussions. It is nothing to be feared, and I generally believe that conflict leads to better ways to do things and change. Change in the right direction is a good thing.

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You can’t just fix it.

(Disclaimer: My brother is 100% responsible for his own death and I do not blame anyone else. The caseworker is not to blame.)

How societies need to think that quick fixes work contributed to the death of my brother. Homeless need homes; get them a permanent home and you fix the issue.

As my brother's payee, I required him to enter into a drug treatment halfway house to obtain housing. This wasn't because I had a big plan to fix his drug addiction but because I could not find housing that would take him that fit his needs. In a halfway house someone would be there to check in on him, to make sure he ate, to forbid drinking and drugs, to be accountable for the adult who had never been accountable.

My brother was a violent, abusive, drug addictive, alcoholic and needed more than just a roof over his head.

His caseworker got him an apartment, got the utilities turned on, got him groceries, and in turn "fixed" the problem. HIs caseworker didn't know my brother would steal his girlfriend's pills and do what he had done so many times before.

This time he OD'd and this time, because he had a roof over his head, no one saw. When you are homeless and you overdose twitching on the sidewalk; someone may call 911. but when you are alone no one is there to call.

You can't fix homelessness with homes. You need to address the problems that are more personal than a roof and YES - They need homes but they need so much more:  drug treatment, mental health treatment, health care, access to food, access to necessities.

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Soft Pretzels

Ways to avoid studying - bake. 

INGREDIENTS:

1½ cups warm water

1 tablespoon granulated sugar

2 teaspoons kosher salt

2¼ teaspoons active dry yeast (1 packet)

4½ cups all-purpose flour

4 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted

10 cups water

2/3 cups baking soda

1 egg yolk + 1 tablespoon water, whisked together (for egg wash)

Coarse salt, for sprinkling

DIRECTIONS:

Combine the water, sugar and salt in a mixing bowl and sprinkle the yeast on top. Allow to sit for 5 minutes, until the mixture begins to foam.

Add the flour and butter. Use the dough hook attachment to mix on low speed until all of the ingredients are combined. Increase the mixer speed to medium and knead until the dough is smooth and pulls away from the side of the bowl, about 4 to 5 minutes.

Remove the dough from the mixer and place in a clean, oiled bowl. Cover with plastic wrap and place in a warm spot until the dough has doubled in size, about 45 minutes to 1 hour.

Preheat the oven to 450 degrees F. Line 2 baking sheets with parchment paper and brush with the vegetable oil; set aside.

Combine the water and baking soda in a large, wide pot (a Dutch oven works perfect for this). Bring the mixture to a rolling boil.

In the meantime, turn the dough out onto a slightly oiled work surface and divide into 8 equal pieces. Roll out each piece of dough into a 24-inch rope. Make a U-shape with the rope, holding the ends of the rope, cross them over each other and press onto the bottom of the U in order to form the shape of a pretzel. Place onto the parchment-lined baking sheet.

Place the pretzels into the boiling water, 2 or 3 at a time (or however many will fit comfortably given the size of your pot – don’t crowd them), for 30 seconds. Remove them from the water using a large, flat spatula. Place the boiled pretzels back on the baking sheet, brush the top of each pretzel with the egg wash and sprinkle with coarse salt.

Bake until dark golden brown in color, about 12 to 14 minutes. Transfer to a cooling rack for at least 5 minutes before serving.

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#metoo

I said I would do this if they advanced him (Kavanaugh) to a full Senate vote (so I knew I would be doing it).

Survivors don’t owe you our stories but my hope is in telling we allow one more victim to find their voice or just offer them the support to heal. 

The first time I was under the age of 6 and I was repeatedly molested by a family member for years until I told. I was believed, it was reported, but nothing happened. They packed him up and shipped him to another family members house, no charges, no nothing. I was blamed for taking that family member away from the rest of the family..... it was not talked about, it was swept under the rug. To this day I feel shame, regret, and cry when these memories are triggered.

The next time. In Highschool, I was lying on a bench in the courtyard at lunch and a boy whom I will call Charlie laid on top of me. There were people around, hell there were friends around. People laughed. He held my arms above my head, he trapped my legs beneath his, he put his lips next to my ear and said things... I don’t remember what he said, I couldn’t have told you after it happened because some memories don’t stay for seconds after an attack. I struggled, all 98 lbs of me, under his weight. He let one hand go and I stabbed him in the neck with something. It didn’t go in far but Charlie moved. No one reported this. 

The next time. In Highschool, I was talking to Chuck when he became upset because I did not want to date him. He picked me up and physically threw me into a wall. I hit the wall hard, saw stars, and the next day I set came back to school and used Hairspray to light Chuck on fire. Chuck was fine but it scared him. No one reported this. 

The next time. I was on a camping trip with a boyfriend, I was 17. He wanted to have sex and I didn’t. He took off my pants and tried to force himself on me. We fought. He tried to penetrate me repeatedly, I continued to struggle. Eventually, he took no for an answer and went to sleep. While he slept I beat him with a tree branch. When he woke up, we didn’t talk about it. We broke up shortly after. No one reported this.

The next time. A man I worked with at a factory walked up behind me and rubbed his genitals on my ass. When I flinched away, he laughed. When I was hired they made it clear that as a woman in this job I would have to put up with boys being boys. The next time I elbowed him as hard as I could. He stopped. No one reported this. 

The next time. At a wedding, the brother of the bride came up behind me and rubbed his genitals on my ass. I stomped his foot and applied an elbow. He stopped. The bride was upset with me and would not speak to me, still doesn’t. No one reported this.  

The next time. A client at work grabbed my arm and bit me on the shoulder when I replied bite me to his sexual comments. I told him not to touch me or I would put him on the ground. Later the same day he grabbed me from behind and ground his genitals into my ass. I stomped his foot, elbowed him with enough force he ended up on the ground. He laughed. He continued to make sexual comments until his case was complete. The person in charge witnessed this, no official report was filed. 

The next time. A man backed me into a corner at work after repeatedly being told to stop advancing on me. He had his fists balled up and once I was cornered I punched him in the shoulder to make him stop. He stopped. He demanded I be removed from the case, I was. No official report was filed.

I have left a number of times out, some I don’t remember and some don’t warrant a mention. A comment here and slapped ass there. A boss tells you in a drunken stupor that he loves you but doesn’t listen to you... your just nice to look at. 

Many survivors were and are triggered by the SC hearings going on. The reason is it takes us into a time we didn’t report, or no one stepped up, or they weren’t believed if they did report, or they reported and NOTHING happened. I listened to people say things all week: Should it be a 51% preponderance of the evidence or clear and convincing (75%)? This ruined his career and life. Its been 35 years, why now? Why should he be judged on something he did in HS? With every comment and question, we put it on the victims. With every suggestion about what to wear, where to walk, how to NOT BE RAPED; we blame the victim. Many are asking how we change this.... I don’t know. Burn it all to the ground and start over is apparently not a viable option..... Teaching consent seems impossible in today's environment. 

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Raising Spirits & Money for grassroots efforts

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Something else the news is failing to report on. 

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Russia says it meddled to help Trump when... US deletes that section of video & transcript.

http://thehill.com/policy/international/398722-maddow-white-house-removed-putin-support-for-trump-from-official-video

The official video and transcript do not mention Putin saying he wants Trump to win or that he meddled to help Trump win; the US version just admits that he meddled. The Russian version deleted the question completely and admits nothing. History is written by the winning side and the official records are often those that survive history. This is disgraceful, unethical, and possibly illegal. 

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Law School and the system.

So the first thing they taught us in law school is that it is all bullshit... and we need to keep up the premise that the common folks need us because, without that belief, it all collapses. The second thing they taught us is that most, not all, of law is a gray space that is won by who is the best at arguing the finest points of language (wordsmiths). So basically the law depends on how good your wordsmith is. So basically you pay $200 an hour to hear it depends. It depends on the judge, the other lawyer, and how well your guy can sell his version of what it says. Keep Believing.

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Removal of Gunn as director of Guardians...

There has been a lot of talk about Disney's choice to remove Gunn for his jokes about rape and pedophilia that happened about 10 years ago. Gunn says he regrets those jokes made to provoke and anger people... to get them talking. Disney says he has to go.  Disney has hired Victor Salva (director: convicted child molester of someone under 14) and  Brian Peck (actor: convicted of molesting a child under 16) to direct or act in movies it has backed. Fans of Gunn are upset that Disney worked with those people and others continue to do so but a few “bad jokes” are now being punished. 

I have heard the right blame the left saying the “Social Justice Warriors” did this by being too politically correct and I have heard the left blame the right saying that Gunn is a target because he didn’t praise Trump. 

Jokes about Pedophilia and Rape are not funny, they have never been funny, and while they do provoke people it's mostly to disgust and anger. I think like most things we get upset and attempt to defend when its someone we like and attack when its someone we don’t. Hollywood is currently being called for supporting those who behave badly. This should continue even if we find out that some of our favorite actors and directors are forced out because behavior matters. 

While I think that his posts 10 years ago make Gunn eligible for ridicule and public shaming I don't know that it makes him boycott worthy at least while Disney and the like continue to work with Salva & Peck are still working in this industry. Gunn has apologized for the posts... is this enough? 

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Social Capital of struggling class

In sociology, we talk about social capital; the benefits of a good education, a second language, of good contacts, family connections, etc. Being born into the benefits of wealth and higher education. We rarely talk about the social capital of being born into a struggling class because its unseen by those who generally write the books on what is and isn’t social capital. There is a book entitled Nickled and Dimed, many of the things I am going to talk about came to my mind and prompted me to write a paper on the social capital struggling families use to just get by. Nickled and Dimed is about a women who goes from city to city trying to live on low wage work. She struggles to purchase food, supply herself with housing, and generally finds it hard. What this book fails to address is the social capital that struggling class people possess. In general struggling individual do not pass down neighborhoods with good educations or great contacts for that amazing first job but they do pass down information on how to survive in a world that is often not only unfair but hostile. The struggling class knows about the food resources which include food banks and free scavenge (fruit trees or which farms allow 3rd pickings for free or which stores give day old bread out the back door). While food banks are always conducted (please change this) when people generally are at work 12-3; most likely you know someone who is going and can barter or ask for them to also collect your food box. These networks of communications are essential to living as part of the struggling class and this book ignores these highways because the writer has no personal knowledge of how this world works. A study recently came out that said that poor people are more generous and in my experience this is true. The reason is that those who have experienced poverty or are experiencing poverty understand the struggle and are more likely to offer a hand when they can (sometimes even when they can not). When Trump won the election I was inundated with of upper-middle-class friends who were suddenly terrified of losing their health care (what health care?), losing the ability for their children to be taught art (They still had art in their schools??), and the fear that their worlds would fundamentally shift. I was wading in a world that didn’t have health care, the school didn’t have a school nurse let alone an art teacher, and they were upset about joining the ranks of those they themselves employed (except with houses and still no real danger of not eating). One middle-class friend approached me complaining about the cost of his annual healthcare premium I informed him that was more than he paid the single mother working for him annually. He was shocked, apparently, the math on that had escaped him. How easily we say we want fair wages, healthcare, and everyone to get a fair shake... yet, on the other hand, watch us not practice exactly what we preach. (A few things to clear up - (1) I am not minimizing the struggles of the poor or struggling. I am saying shit is hard but if you are lucky you pull together and do what needs to get done together. I am not saying all poor people have this network (this is my experience and that of those I interviewed. This was NOT a comprehensive study of the country). (2) I am not saying people should not vote for whoever they desire; I AM saying if you say you are for fair wage and you own a business than pony up a fair wage. I am saying when you vote you cast your vote for ALL that person expresses and must own that decision (3) I am for fair wages, healthcare, and education. I think those last two things should be a given, yes free and you can disagree with me because this is America.)

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Why middle class Americans are freaking out and the poor don’t seem to care.

My well off or comfortable liberal friends are freaking out about the possible loss of Healthcare and education funding. They are concerned that thier kids won’t get the same education as the very wealthy. Welcome to the economically disadvantaged. While you are worried about your co-pay; the poor have gone without healthcare and yearly exams for decades. While you are worried about cutting art classes; for the last 20 years the poor have gone without nurses and P.E. teachers; art wasn’t even an option. Our kids have been denied learning cursive; a fundamental skill for college. We don’t even have safe buildings. Yes we care. Yes we wish that all things were equal and that all people deserve healthcare and education. However, we have to work two jobs to make our rent payment and use all our energy to make sure things get done... so while it looks like we don’t care, we do. We are just busy fighting other fires. Welcome to the class wars now stop whining and help. 

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A month in Facebook memes. Find us on facebook at https://www.facebook.com/lifeisapopquiz/

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How Democrats lost young voters. (Oregon)

1. For a number of years schools (at least in our area) told kids that their votes didn’t matter. They told kids that the electoral college made the decision and therefore their vote didn’t count. Now you have a generation that assumes that voting is something that doesn’t mean anything. This was backed up when Clinton won the popular vote and didn’t win the election. 

I spoke to many young people before and after the vote. They felt that their votes didn’t matter, if they voted, because hey he won anyway. It doesn’t matter how a young persons vote, encourage them to Vote and not to be swayed.

2. I heard seasoned democrats tell new voters that if they didn’t vote Clinton than that was a vote for Trump. 

You just told a young adult that if they don’t vote the way you tell them than don’t vote. I had to talk many young voters into exercising their rights and than re-talk them into it again when some voters decided to explain how they should vote. 

(Sarcasm font) Because telling young adults what to do always works (/Sarcasm font)

So encourage young adults to vote their hearts; inspire them with your actions and words. We need young voters and many of them share our core values but feel unheard, pressured, and unsure if it matters. Talk to high schoolers about their right to vote and why it matters. Explain how their votes do count and that the electoral college doesn’t in general just go rogue but votes along with what its state voters want. 

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Rocking Chairs

We were fighting; I can’t remember why I know I wanted him to not go or to not get to go.. I told him I hope you die and ran next door to tell mom to ground him. She was at the neighbors and refused and by the time I ran back home to say I was sorry he was gone already.  

That night my mother did something uncharacteristic and let her rocking recliner keep rocking. Growing up if you let the recliner rock then someone close to you would die. It was a cardinal sin to do so but for some reason, she just let it rock and even laughed it off. 

The call came in late and we all went to the hospital. They put us in a private waiting room and at some point brought my mother a bag of things that were Shanes. They even gave us his hair that they shaved off to do the brain surgery. I laughed and said how pissed he would be about his hair. They debated letting me see him; they thought it would ruin my memories of him to see him attached to wires and tubes but I insisted. I leaned over and asked himm where his missing shoe was and my mother slapped me. She told me that if he died it would be my fault for making his brain work on that instead of trying to get better. I was sent back to the waiting room.

On my birthday I woke up feeling lighter, mom and dad had been back and forth to the hospital for what seemed like a week. . I raced downstairs to tell mom that I had a good feeling and was told that in the middle of the night something had happened and that they unplugged Shane that morning. Don, a family friend, showed up and took me to Chinese food. I didn’t want to go but mom insisted. I think I was in shock. 

There was a court trial where my parents told the judge not to ruin two lives and I am sure the words swayed the judge. 

At the funeral, we were told exactly what we were to do. Sit in the family box, then rise, then go see the body, then return and the unspoken rule was to not cry or embarrass your parents. I tried to stand.. I couldn’t do it and the disappointment was alive in the room with me; embodied by my mother. I have no idea who came, I know someone had me. I remember her screaming at the grave site becayuse the chairs were on our families plot. I remember someone telling her they would deal with it. They placed everythig that belonged to him in his room and forbid us going in there. We don’t talk about this. 

I still can’t let a rocking chair rock. 

[lifeisapopquiz]

Gender Inequality

Gender Inequality, I was that person who said...this doesn’t affect me. I choose a career where women are paid more, I never backed down from a good argument, I don’t make decisions based on my genitalia and I don’t allow for my world to be defined that way. Now the reality of this is funny… because as my children hauled in the groceries my partner and I just purchased, he sat on the couch and I started dinner. We had both had the same day, we both work, we do not share the chores. Me, a self-defined feminist, a social justice warrior, getting ready to go into law school… I was putting away the groceries and cooking dinner while my modern, feminist husband, was playing Minecraft on the Xbox.

You see we are programmed not to see it. My mother told me and the TV told me and hundreds of experts told me that to be a good mom, a good wife, a good (insert label here) I needed to cook healthy homemade meals and I’m not arguing that… I’m not even arguing that I want my partner to join me in the kitchen.. it’s my alone time and I enjoy it. However, its programmed in there like all the other things that are wrong and right with society. Its deeply embedded and sometimes we must really step back to see it.

Still don’t think gender inequality is a thing? Thousands of rape kits are untested, crimes against women go unpunished or punished in ways that don’t work (see Brock Turner), women in general make less money (not me but you must look wider and from all the angles), we won the right to vote in the 1920’s less than 100 years ago…, in 1974 the Equal Rights Amendment (ERA) failed..  While women have made great strides and it seems easy to say we made it.. we are still being beaten and raped and treated as if we don’t have equal say. It just takes looking from a wider perspective to see it.

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So you want religion taught in schools...

Okay, how many boxes of the Quran do you need? Wait, you feel that outrage. The one where someone wants to teach your child something you might not believe in... hold on to that and lets talk.

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Self care

Some days self care is a hot bath and some days it's locking the door, lying on the floor, and not answering the phone until the client leaves while your boss keeps saying "this is really happening"