We’re All Sisyphus

Let’s pretend this isn’t where I’m hiding my thoughts about you. A mess. A meditation. Fuck DJT. Fuck ICE. Queer. Late 30s.

[lifeisbrutiful]

How do I explain…I’m not touch starved but I am always starving for his touch

[caniborrowurlighter]

do u want to play Love eachother forever with me

[drunkichh]

i want a partner as grotesque and perverted as i am. someone who carries the same strange hunger as i do. someone who doesn't flinch at the parts of me that are difficult to understand, but recognizes them as familiar instead. i want a love that is all-consuming, one that asks for complete devotion and offers it just as freely in return. i want someone i can cherish without reservation, someone whose every flaw, and contradiction feels worthy of reverence. even the ugly, beautiful, incomprehensible parts of them, and be loved with that same unwavering acceptance in return.

[yancorpse]

I envy your ribs that hold your heart so dearly as I wish to do.

[herealaa]

The intimacy is when someone understands the walls you built for your own protection and approaches them with patience instead of pressure

[aidashakur]

[sleepyquietgirl]

not to come on too strong but I've been fantasizing about napping with you ever since we first met

[latinamamiix]

I like mine possessive and will do anything to baby me

[lifeisbrutiful]

They ask how I know you have changed me. When two days ago I took off my dress and ate a ripe peach naked in front of you and for the first time in my life I did not wonder, “Does my body look bad?” The big tummy, and small breasts, and bruises from medical care dappling my skin not once a thought. When a few weeks ago in the midst of too many emotions you asked me to let you be my man and I did. I brought myself, collapsing and a mess, to your arms instead of hiding, alone, in the dark. When for years, for a lifetime, I have practiced making myself small and quiet to feel safe and suddenly I cannot remember how to do either.

I wonder if butterflies ever look at the chrysalis they are leaving behind, as their wings begin to unfurl and it’s almost time to fly, and think “I am reborn; I will never fit here again.” Is it frightening for a moment? To realize they have outgrown the life they knew. To understand that they will fly and things will never been the same again. It is frightening for me. It is also euphoric and vibrant. Like seeing the world in technicolor when everything was gray. My wings keep unfurling, my body taking up space, my voice louder and less gentle, my mind kinder and softer with myself. The question isn’t how I know you’ve changed me, it is obvious to anyone that I am changed. They are asking “How did you change?” And the answer is simple. “I am being loved right.”

[wandavisionmaximoffs-deactivate]

Imagine someone so sure of spending the rest of their life with you holy shit

[lifeisbrutiful]

It isn't just you. When I said everyone hates him, it's because it's so many people. A chorus of voices that have whispered for years that maybe I deserve better. That maybe I'm not getting what I need, let alone what I deserve. And the truth is so much more nuanced than "everyone hates him" because in truth, I don't think anyone hates him. I think they hate how he treats me, that they hate that he's picked drinking over me for years, that he's cheated and lied and made me question my worthiness to be loved.

If I'd sat here long enough, and parsed it all apart, I think I could have guessed that part of it is that he makes you sad. He makes me sad, too. He wasn't always like this, ya know. They never are but when we first met he was... more like you are now, honestly. He was gentle and kind; he wanted to build a life. He made me feel safe once. He didn't really drink much back then. He'd party with friends or his brother but it never made me worry. The last 5-6 years have been unkind to him and now he has become unkind to me. He is unkind to me. It's a lot to admit. It's a lot not to feel deep, crushing shame about, and god I do feel shame. For staying and trying to love an alcoholic who hasn't been kind, for being my mother, for being trapped by circumstances because I trusted him. For trusting him.

Could it have been different between you two? Maybe. But I don't think so. You're right that you got here when I needed you most and he was never going to enjoy watching someone else make me truly happy because he knows that the man he is right now doesn't, and can't, make me happy like that. I want rehab to work. I want him to go to therapy and start learning and processesing and being better because all those things will be good for him. It remains to be seen if they'll be good for me. I wish I felt more hopeful. When you ask people what the opposite of love is they often say hate. But hate is love soured with anger. Hate can be undone. Enemies to lovers aint a classic trope for nothing. No, the opposite of love is apathy and when he left this morning I just felt.... relief and nothingness.

I fear I am every bad thing he has ever said I am. I fear still needing out sooner rather than later and not being able to go. I fear waking up mostly alone for the rest of my life. I fear I will never be healed enough to completely trust anyone ever again. I fear that all of it will make you leave.

I don't blame you for not making a bigger effort. I don't think you failed. I think there wasn't a good path to success. Do I wish parts of it had been different? Sure, but our connection is what matters to me and I love you. The rest remains to be seen and for the next two weeks I will just try to breathe, to believe the reassurance you give me, and to remember that I am capable of so much so that I can continue to keep the crash outs mild.

[festeredhearts]

[luckieangel]

i do believe it is quite romantic when your husband kisses the spot above your wedding band. when your husband presses his cool wedding band to your clit and rubs it along your sensitive little bud — when he laughs as you whimper and thrust into his touch. your husband’s touch

[lifeisbrutiful]

Perhaps this is obvious and somehow I just missed it but… the fact that I’m your moon and you’re my hound… two totally separate, organic terms of endearment. Neither one causing or influencing the other, and yet, a perfect pair. An archetype: dog howling at the moon. The “bark for me” was fucking cosmic. So many small things, so many ways we’ve fallen perfectly into place for each other, and have found things in each other we didn’t even realize we were missing. Destined. Fated. Soulmates.

[lifeisbrutiful]

I’m high and had a thought per a conversation you were having with your wife. I imagined us being married and you calling Babs mom. (Shut up I’m gonna make jokes at the end, this is sweet right now) and how she would loooove it bc she always hoped he would and he wouldn’t because “that’s weird.”

Something, something, we both call her mommy but it’s way different when you do it. (Omg I hate it so much but it was right there).

[whitebloodocean]

[lifeisbrutiful]

The answer is, and in any lifetime will always be, yes.

Yes I want to marry you.

Yes I want to be your wife.

I have never been more certain of anything. Yes. Yes. Yes,