Margaret Atwood, The Blind Assassin
Now as Iâve grown older and a little more wiser I understand why BPD is one of the worse disorders you can live with. The disorder is soul destroying yet creates euphoric emotions, both contradicting the very thought.
The lows are so incredible low, so intense that you canât see the light at all. Sadness is suicidal ideation. The hanging rope from a tree or the overdose in a locked bathroom. Sadness is suicide.
The highs are so high you want to live life over and over again. With all this energy and creative ideas you canât picture life any differently. Happiness is euphoria.
Anger is consuming, the rage that boils inside you until you lash out. Again, feeling anger is uncontrollable rage. Hate people or things you once loved.
I live in a world where there is no grey, only black and white. I canât comprehend why others do not act or think the same way as me. I hate people for not having the same expectations as me. I hold people on a standard that they will not reach, I set people up for failure.
Emptiness is all consuming, another contradiction. How can emptiness consume me, how can I feel it so deeply I lose touch of reality. Others feelings? I donât care about that, why would I care for others when I donât care for myself.
Empathy, how can something happen to someone else and I feel it so deeply. It didnât happen to me but I take your pain and make it my pain, my battle to face.
Loyalty, I will fight your battles for you. No you donât have to ask, that is a non negotiable. Iâll go to the end of the earth for you even when you donât ask that of me.
