Hey Sweetie

[lifeslighting]

The Last Five Years

So I’ve grown up.  Mostly figuratively in this scenario.  I was an adult before as well; I can’t deprive my former self of that.  Though I can admit to how much I had yet to experience after those posts.

I’m looking back at what I’ve written and all I can think is how much I modeled myself after Ted Mosby, but more so than that, how much my writing had predicted that character’s trajectory in the later seasons.  A bit of a fun thought experiment I guess.  I was living what was being written by people in Hollywood.  Maybe not truly, but what’s true is differs from person to person.

I should start this post by saying that I am happy.  I should follow up that statement by saying the these past five years I have scarcely been happy.  This isn’t said out of some ‘coming of age’ intent or some ‘key to happiness’ secret because I don’t think I know altogether that much more than I did in my last post.  I can only say that I had some life experiences, that I learned from them, but it’d be fair to argue that I’d forgotten or let go of things I had once known then.

Since this blog isn’t meant to be explicitly about me, but rather about my peri-spiritual journey to find the love of my life - my soulmate- I’ll attempt to keep to remain true to this theme.  What’s wrong with buying into a fun little thought experiment?  With letting one’s imagination rule out for a while?

So.  Hey Sweetie.

I don’t know that I feel you in my heart still.  That’s a lot to claim, and more to proclaim from the heights of this internet mountain peak we call Tumblr.  What I feel confident in saying is that I know a little more about you than I once did.  I’ve grown in my view of love.  I’ve come to see it as a companionship more so than what I could only ever before characterize by calling “that feeling.”  

I recognize infatuation’s role in its development, but no longer expect that head over heels sentiment to persist indefinitely.  

More so than just this, I’ve come to see all the ways I chased poor relationships.  I believed so heartily that love was about finding this one person that meets and exceeds your expectations, that you need only point to or at and amaze the world with.  That one person that blew your standards out of the water.

In the past I rejected the ones that were, in truth, the exact type of person that I belonged with.  The exact type of person that I know now that I will end up with.  I’ll spare the actual names, but I can say that I’ve dated exactly three girls that put me first.  Well, not truly.  They put themselves first- as they should- but it was never in their nature to turn a cold shoulder to my emotions, to neglect my needs, to falter between whether or not I was “good enough.”

I’ve been with too many girls that had dated me with exactly that approach.  And they may end up happily with someone that can tolerate that, or that wants that too, or whathaveyou.  I know now that I cannot.

The girls that will win my heart over now, in my ripe twenty five years of age, are the ones that see me as someone they want to enable to succeed, as someone they can bolster emotionally, as someone they will help, and someone they can share their existence with.  And they will expect me to return this in kind.

This is what I consider a loving relationship now.  And this is the kind of goodness that I foresee carrying me forward with this ‘girl of my dreams.’  It won’t be a relationship littered with doubt or toxicity because it’ll be built between two people that genuinely see their other as another similarly minded human being that they believe in.

These are just some thoughts from the treasure cove I like to call my mind.  I doubt I’ll post again, but for all of my followers that enjoy the slow play I hope this both fulfills that and creates in you an anticipation for the Next Five Years.

[lifeslighting]

In My Heart

I'm convinced that there is only one girl out there for me. Sometimes I sit by myself and just think, where is my the girl of my dreams?  I write in my little book, post to my little blog, complain to anyone that'll listen and just watch as time passes by without so much as a sign of her.  I was raised on Disney, I grew up believing in fairy tale endings, that there's always a princess that needs saving, that with love anything can be accomplished.  I grew up listening to silly love songs, dreaming of a day when I'll have that girl, the only girl that's ever been right for me.  I always imagined that that girl would come into my life when I was old enough to date seriously.  High school came and went without anything more than a faint promise of a chance at happiness.  College began, the world opened up to me, but still no girl has come around..  Not even the shadow, not ever a glimmer of someone with whom I can fall hopelessly in love with.

Don't misunderstand, I never believed in the perfect girl, nothing quite so unrealistic, just that girl that's perfect for me.  I never thought that twenty years into my life that I would know just as little if not less about what I want and who I'm meant to be with. That's what this blog is about..  The road that leads me to you, my one, my only..  My sweetheart.  Call it silly, but I know you're on your way to me sweetie, and I want you to know that I'm making my way to you too.  I know full well that neither of us are who we're meant to be for us to fall in love just yet.  You and I both have more life to live before we meet, we have more of ourselves to discover before we can actually stand a chance with each other. Knowing that only takes me so far though, I know so much of myself that just wants that extra time with you, because even though I know I'm going to spend the rest of my life with you, I want more; I want each and every moment from this moment forward to be spent with you.  But life doesn't quite work like that..

You might laugh, but I miss you.  I miss you and I haven't even met you. Somethings in life are meant to be and I have no doubt in my heart that this is one of them.  Have you ever felt someone in your heart?  A presence that both isn't yet filled but also is the only thing that you know is true?  It's something that you already feel but you don't know who you feel it for.  Some describe it as a kind of emptiness but I know better; I know that it's exactly where she belongs, and I know she's already there.  I can't wait until I find you in this crazy, mixed up world, and we can spend the rest of our days together. 

[lifeslighting]

Prequel

My intentions with this blog are strictly innocent, just a forewarning for anyone that may or may not read this down the road take it too seriously, misunderstand the idea behind it or the heart within it, or possibly draw logical fallacies or any other incorrect judgement from/of it.  I really should write what my intentions are with this blog and intend to do so in my next post (thus clearing up my intentions for this one, suppose that counts as a success then?)  I just wanted to actually make a post seeing as I've had this blog at least half a year, probably longer, and have yet to actually type a thing..  Thing is I'm actually very busy, life's made it very clear that it's not going anywhere and that my romantic notions, my enthusiasm for that which does not immediately pertain to my daily activities, my existential and spiritual journey, and everything that can't be put into a rigid form or isn't absolutely practical must wait.

Little would make me happier than being able to post daily, to lay my heart out there for the world regularly, but that doesn't seem altogether very likely.  So I'll start today and who knows when I'll continue but hopefully I'll never be finished.

Those of you reading this, look into yourself and ask yourself: "Am I a romantic?"  If the answer is no then reading this blog is going to be like pulling teeth because in this blog I am committed to posting about the road to the love of my life, the one, my everything.  My soul mate. I spend so much time talking about my day, thinking about all that I have to do, reflecting on minor details and those insignificant things I do day in and day out, so this blog is intended to talk about what goes on beyond that, what's within me. So please pardon if it isn't the most action packed or the most plot based narrative..  I've always said that if I were to write a book that it would be about a guy on a train and that would be the extent of the plot; so much can go on when it seems like nothing is happening at all.  Ever just sat down and time has slipped away?  Ever felt like hours have passed and then you look at your watch and realize it's been only been a couple seconds?  That's what this blog is about.  That's all this blog is about, those sometimes fleeting and other times eternal moments that make up a lifetime, a story, a heart and a soul.