Me ft. my life

This blog is basically just me documenting my life and complaining about everything. I hope to entertain :P Just a college student trying to navigate through life ☄. *. ⋆ 19 ~ she/her ⋆ .* . ☄

[lifewithalittlechaos]

First Post :P

Hi guyssss. I got really bored so I decided to create a tumblr blog and basically document my life as it goes on, hoping to entertain all (also this is my first ever blog on tumblr so don't mind the aesthetic I'm new to this 😭).

Some basic info about me:

18

I go by Streets or Mari

Some interests of mine are art, video games (mostly storybased), anime, manga, Degrassi, and Pierce The Veil

I'm a slut for Aaron Taylor Johnson, Calum Hood, Rory Caulkin, and hot men in general

Also I dunno how to make the "aesthetic" part of the website show up so I'm just gonna link this lmao

 lifewithalittlechaos.tumblr.com

[lifewithalittlechaos]

July 29th, 2025

Hey guys, it's been a while. Me and the guy that I liked so much (that I had talked to in October) are officially over, thank god. I really wanted us to work, but he was too emotionally immature to give me what I needed and deserved. I hope he gets his karma returned to him, but for now, all I can do is move forward and heal as best as I can. Obviously, I'm a human and I crave connection and attention from other humans, but I'm so scared. I'm so scared of getting attached to someone like that again, and then they just play with my emotions and stomp on my heart. In the back of my mind and in my heart, I feel that I'm better off alone, so I can avoid getting hurt, but I just feel so lonely. I feel like maybe my mental health is a bit better, but that could be my new medicine (prozac), or it could just be from me ignoring my friends who stress me out and annoy me. Either way, I'm feeling ok right now. I want to try going back on dating apps so I can dip my feet back into the world of dating, but I also don't want to disrupt my peace and sanity after regaining it over the last couple of months. I just hope there's someone out there who can handle me with care and give me the love I need and deserve 🩷.

[lifewithalittlechaos]

March 25th, 2025

I'm on new anxiety and depression medicine, but I still feel this void in my mind, soul, and body. It could be because I'm on my period that I'm very emotional right now, but I'm still really sad. I'm not feeling very suicidal right now, but I just feel numb and depressed. I was talking to this new guy for a bit to try to fill the gaping hole that the other guy created in my heart, but the new guy pissed me off today. We've been flirty, and we planned a date for today, but he fucking stood me up and didn't even give me a text or anything. I hate men, and I hate that I keep trying so hard to get into a relationship. It's obvious that no one fucking cares about me, and I always wonder to myself what I did to deserve all of this horrible shit that happened to me in my lifetime. I blocked out most of my childhood memories, and I'm gonna be honest, I don't remember having much happiness in my life. What I can remember, though, is being depressed and sad and wondering why I was alive. Hopefully, things will get better for me soon, but for the past 7 months, I've been hoping that things will get better, and everything has either gotten worse or been the same. I just wish there was a pill to get rid of all of my emotions so I'm not able to be hurt by anyone or anything anymore. Right now, I just feel like I need a big hug and something to numb the pain.

[lifewithalittlechaos]

March 4th, 2025

I’ve come to a realization today. Yes, even though it sucks that I had to learn the hard way that a lot of men are demons, I feel that it was a needed learning experience. Should I have gotten blocked instead of just being told by him that he didn’t want a relationship with me? Absolutely not. BUT, now I’ve seen the good, the bad, and the ugly of relationships with different types of men. The first guy I really liked (who took my virginity) was a whore and I just didn’t want to believe it. He showed me multiple times that he wasn’t a suitable partner to have for a relationship, but I didn’t want to believe or acknowledge it because I think I was really attached to him because he was my first everything unfortunately. He showed his true colors and it was my mistake for thinking that I could change who he really is.

The second guy I really liked didn’t seem like an asshole at first and truly made me believe that he was the one for me and that he truly liked me and wanted to be in a relationship with me. Unfortunately it just took a long time (so much time was wasted ughhhhh) for him to show me his true colors.

From now on I’m going to be very guarded, but I am still going to try to get into a relationship with someone. I know it might not be the best idea right now while I am actively healing from this clusterfuck of a situation, but I still believe I am capable of giving someone my love and care and they are capable of reciprocating that to me as well.

I hate that I’m trying to rush it, but I just want to be with someone who makes me feel loved. But with that, I feel that because of what I’ve been through, I’m not able to ever trust a man again. Once I get a partner, of course I’ll “trust” them but now I feel that someone you love or even like a lot can turn on you in an instant because I’ve seen it happen to other people time and time again.

[lifewithalittlechaos]

February 20th, 2025

This week has been a shitshow. Last week, I went to that guy's house to see if he was mad at me or if I did something wrong, and he made it seem like everything was ok. He made it seem like I was the crazy one to think he ghosted me or something when in reality, any normal person would think that. He told me he "broke his phone" and that he didn't have one at the moment, but I didn't tell him I saw him liking shit on social media. He told me we could hang out this week, and we set up a time and everything. When I got to his house, he was nowhere to be found and I felt so fucking stupid and embarrassed that I believed all of the shit he said to me. I found out he blocked me on social media (I don't think he blocked my number, though), and it hurt really bad. It feels like a really deep wound in my heart. Hopefully, later down the line, I can see that he was just another loser I came across, but right now, it hurts so bad. I'm so tired of getting used by guys. I just want to have a genuine connection with someone. As of right now, if I do meet someone else, I will be very guarded and prickly. I can't afford to be vulnerable and get that shit thrown in my face again. I feel very shit right now but hopefully, this will pass and I can start fresh and find happiness soon.

[lifewithalittlechaos]

February 9th, 2025 (TW: SH)

Today's officially the end of the first week back at school, and it's been hell. I'm still very anxious about my sister, and my anxiety is worse because I'm not at home to monitor her. The guy that I really liked and have been talking to since October pretty much ghosted me almost two weeks ago, and it shattered my heart completely. I don't know what I did that was so wrong to make him stop talking to me, but it's killing me on the inside and out. To add on to all of this stress, school is once again miserable and it's making me so depressed because I feel fucking stupid in my classes because I don't understand anything.

Last night, my roommate went to sleep over at her friend's house, so I took that as an opportunity to take half a bottle of Advil and drink two Jack Daniel's drinks. I was hoping that combo would kill me, but as you can tell, I'm still here (kinda ironic isn't it with all of the stuff with my sister lol). My hearing has been fuzzy all day, and my ears have been ringing as well. Also when I stand, I get really dizzy and it's hard to walk up the stairs because of all the shit happening with my ears. I get discombobulated and really short of breath. I wish I would've just died instead of just going through all of these side effects.

Last night, I also relapsed and started cutting again. I haven't done it in so long, and the pain caught me off guard, funnily enough. I just want to die. I hate my life, and I want this bad dream to be over. I want to be happy and not worry about stupid, idiotic boys or being a burden to anyone else.

My leg hurts really bad from cutting, and now I have to let it heal. Either I'm gonna isolate myself from everyone or I'm just not really gonna go out because hiding that shit is so much work and I just don't have the energy for it.

Like I said, I just wanna die so this bad dream can be over :(

[lifewithalittlechaos]

January 22nd, 2025

Hey guys. It finally happened. My sister tried to commit suicide and wrote me a note last night. She was unsuccessful and we drove her to the hospital. She's now at an inpatient center and will have to stay there for 4-7 days. Last night was a lot for me and I think I'm traumatized. Everytime I hear my parents speak in their room, I have to put on my noise cancelling headphones, hug and tell myself that everything's gonna be alright. I also called the guy I've been talking to crying and I feel really bad about because I didn't mean to throw all of this shit on him. I just didn't know what to do or who to call. Now I feel like things are weird between us. What if he doesn't want to talk to me anymore because I'm too much for him. I keep spiraling thinking I messed everything up. I've barely eaten these past few days, but I'm too on edge to have an appetite. I just want this bad dream to be over and I want to be happy. It seems like that is such a big ask, but I'm tired of being cursed with a dysfunctional life.

[lifewithalittlechaos]

December 9th, 2024

Hey guys. I hung out with the guy I've been seeing this weekend, and we went on a date. On Friday, I got super drunk and texted him if he wanted to be bf/gf or put a label on us, and he said it was too soon. Now I feel like I've messed up everything between us, and I want to curl up into a ball and cry. I'm so anxious thinking about how I could've messed everything up. Life doesn't usually go my way, so I won't be surprised if I did. I would hate myself so much.

[lifewithalittlechaos]

November 25th, 2024

Hey guys. I feel like I'm doing much better from my last post. I still have my moments but I feel at peace right now. I'm talking to a new guy who I really REALLY like and he likes me too. I'm trying not to get too excited, but I have a really good feeling about it. I'm hoping I don't eat those words. But yeah. Nothing really to report other than I'm really happy at the moment

[lifewithalittlechaos]

October 6, 2024 (TW: Suicidal Ideation)

2 months into school, and I feel so hopeless. I'm failing my class, and I don't understand anything in it, and I just feel like a failure. I've been really depressed these past couple of weeks, and I always wonder to myself, "Is all of this even worth it?". I sometimes fantasize about my death and how I will die and if I'll be the cause of it or if it will happen naturally. I asked my doctor to up my dosage on my anxiety medication because I've had so many panic attacks over school and the attacks physically makes my heart and chest hurt.

To top off these shitty few weeks, the boy I'm head over heels for doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, but instead just wants to hook up. I feel like my heart has been curb-stomped over and over again. What's wrong with me? Why do I feel like I'm undeserving of happiness and love? I just want a boyfriend to love and support me. Is that too much to ask for?

My mental health is at an all time low right now I don't know what to do. Should I stay or should I go? Only time can tell, and I feel like my time of staying is about to be up :(

[lifewithalittlechaos]

August 20, 2024

Hey, it's been a while. I haven't written much because nothing has really been happening in my life tbh. Atp, I'm just ready to go back to school and get drunk and party with my friends and not have to worry about my family pissing me off every two seconds lmao.

[lifewithalittlechaos]

July 30, 2024 (this is a bit of a long one; TW: SH mention, mentions of drinking)

Today was going ok until tonight. For the past few days, the Gravity Falls website/puzzle has been consuming my mind and I've dedicated a lot of my energy trying to figure out what the website could possibly mean.

After I picked my dad up from work everything was chill until the very end of the day. I was in the living room playing Call of Duty when I heard my parents start to argue. From what I heard, they were arguing over what to get for my sister's birthday that is in less than two weeks. Being me, I muted the TV to eavesdrop on what they were arguing about, and then it escalated and my mom got really angry at my dad and started cursing. After that, the house went silent, but it was uncomfortable, not peaceful. My parents have been fighting for a while and they started to go to counseling, but I've convinced myself that it isn't going to work and that they're going to get a divorce and everytime they fight I get terrible anxiety over it and my body just doesn't feel good :(

I want to cry so bad and express my sadness, but my anti-anxiety meds kind of prevent me from doing that, so I just lay in my bed feeling numb.

I have a little bit more than three weeks until I move back into school and once I get there I just wanna drink and party and bury my sadness deep inside because I don't like how I feel right now in this environment. I feel like my life is just crumbling around me piece by piece and I'm watching it, yet I can't do anything to stop or control it which makes me feel helpless.

I want to be distracted with school and I have this strong urge to drink, but I don't think it's an alcoholic urge. I know the urge isn't healthy, but I don't feel like I need alcohol to survive, just a few sips to help with my anxiety and stress. Hopefully, this urge doesn't turn into anything stronger because I'm genuinely scared to become addicted to anything. I used to SH and I don't really get THOSE urges anymore, but also I feel like because I'm not really capable of expressing my sadness, I can't physically get them anymore.

P.S. I really fucked up my knee earlier and it hurts so fucking bad omg.

[lifewithalittlechaos]

July 27, 2024

Today was pretty bleh. I did some work for my internship (which I get imposter syndrome from lol) and today was going ok until my sister decided to terrorize the whole family with her hormonal emotions. She's 14, so I assume her off-the-walls emotions are just from puberty but she flies off the handle over everything and she's been getting into it with my dad A LOT. I can't wait to go back to school because I can't deal with her being bipolar 24/7 because it's so draining :(