Still Life with Roommate @lifewithroommate-blog - Tumblr Blog

Futility

Sometimes I think I should just toss in the towel and let some guy buy me a nice set of ta tas.

#tits n' ass #boob job #sugar daddy #whore #futility #breast augmentation #solid investment #my future

Does my macbook air make me look fat?

#macbook air #vapidity #fat #thinspiration

No glove, no love

Whoa...this woman has NOT aged well. I mean, she is HIV positive.

#I need new friends #no glove no love #We're looking at you Joan Rivers

It's Britney, bitch

I just legit shaved my head.

#vomitose #ex-roommates #britney spears #Miley Cyrus

More Pets

I would like a great white sharkie. His name would be Tiburon Biggums, and we would be cuddle buddies. He would eat tofu and some filet mignon.

#fly fishing for sharks a la La Jolla #Tyrone Biggums #dave chappelle #great white sharks #sharks are pretty

Another cat was not an option

I think the cat is stuck in the wall. I've tried breaking it down with a frozen steak, but I think I need a hammer. Do you have one?

#it's always sunny #filet macgyver #actually happened #thanks ex-boyfriend

Martha Stewart?

Anyone know how to get cum stains out of silk?

#tide stain remover #spit or swallow don't let it wallow #martha stewart

Satisfaction

I think I had a sex dream about Mick Jagger. 70 year old Mick Jagger. Subconsciously he still had it.

#dream slag dream shag #might be a nympho #Mick Jagger

Stimulating the Economy

Just traded my addies for percocet and valium. What's the point of group therapy if not for maximizing our assets?

#drugs what else?

Sorry Katy Perry

But I just had a transvaginal ultrasound and ET is not that good in bed.

#(not for an abortion)#I don't have cancer #blue balls #ET

Time for more vinegar

My dog smells like vagina.

#who's a cute little dirty slut?

National Geographic

Snorting some morphine off NatGeo, specifically off an ad that says "childhood comes with an expiration date," thanks for the newsflash Toyota.

#downers squared #might not be Toyota

Vicodin Denial

Sent you a picture of the package I sent you, it came back because it was too rhinestone-y.

#we admit nothing

Next Choice

Just bought Plan B at CVS drive thru pharmacy covered in glitter. Hopefully I don't have the MMA fighter I boned in Vegas's child.

#awkward phrasing #MMA wives #ke$ha #generic plan b is called next choice who knew?

Yo can I sit in your room and do whip it's if I make no noise except inhaling?

#whip it's

What's the opposite of procrasturbation?

Had sex in a sculpture last night. As an art history major I don't know whether to be ashamed or turned on, but I think I have some new insights for the paper I have to write on it.

#art history #street sex #suck it procrasturbation

Roommate Advice

Rule of Thumb: You cannot use the two cocks that were recently in you to block each other.

#roommate advice #cockblock #problem child

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