suuuuuuuper messy an4 vent
just wrote everything that comes to mind at the moment, sorry if it has a somewhat messy structure.
april went amazing but now iâm in pms and iâve been bingeing for exactly six days. the binges arenât huge but they still count and i hate myself so much for it.
i know itâs just an excuse, and i already feel gross just having my period instead of being in amenorrhea.
so i just started a fast idgaf, i know youâre not supposed to fast after a binge but iâd rather do a 24/48H âdetoxâ where the only thing that goes into my stomach is water or tea.
i hate feeling my stomach full so why did i stuff myself so much? i hate myself.
i know i can have amazing self-control and yet every single time the week before my period hits, itâs like i transform and iâm hungry 24/7 + canât control myself at all.
also, like i wrote in my last post, i changed my ugw. from 55kg to 50kg. the goal is still to be at least 55kg for my birthday (mid july). oh and i graduated!! but yeah, ever since graduation iâve been eating like crap. </3
now that iâm more free i really need to focus only and exclusively on how i look, on my body, weight loss and workouts. in september/october iâll start my masterâs degree and before moving there i have to reach my ugw. the people iâll meet for the first time canât know the old fat version of me, only the skinny one.
and i canât wait to move out and live alone or with roommates just because that means only my food will be in the house. part of my binges always come from the things my parents buy (junk food or just carbs) but i already know that if i lived alone this would barely happen, cause i wouldnât even keep food in the house lmao and iâm not the kind of person whoâd spend money on food, i hate it, never done that.
and even if i lived with roommates iâd never eat their food. i mean thatâs just basic logic?? actually i think itâs super rude to eat other peopleâs stuff (or use their things in general) especially without permission. they spent their money on it aka itâs not yours and you shouldnât even touch it unless they tell you itâs okay. but like who even asks for food? definitely not me with an 3d!
i wouldnât want to come off as greedy or someone who loves food⊠(i know i sound insane but i have an 3d what did you expect from me lmao).
also, i gotta eat light in general âcause, i donât know about you, but when i overeat i literally canât leave the house. like, if a friend randomly asked me to hang out, iâd straight up lie just to stay home and not be seen with a bloated stomach.
or for example, even though my parents say iâm thin (theyâre insane, how can they say bs like that), after this last binge i locked myself in my room because iâm so ashamed of myself and my bloated stomach (they canât see it âcause iâm wearing a loose t-shirt but i feel it and i feel disgusting).
talking about my parentsâŠcan i just say how much i hate the way they treat me now that iâm âskinnyâ? (ofc still according to their standardsâi donât see myself as skinny at all).
30kg ago i was doing the exact same things. i even fasted for seven days straight! just water, not even tea or coffee! and no one said a single word. and you know why? because i was objectively super fat back then. so starving myself was totally fineâno one cared, as long as i was losing weight. thatâs all that mattered. not how, just that it was happening.
last thing, as i said before i set my ugw at 50kg (bmi 17.3) but tbh idk maybe iâm gonna lower itâŠwho knows?
lately i keep seeing pics of girls with bodies i find amazing, and the âbadâ part is that theyâre almost all bmi 15, so the road to feeling at least decent about myself is still long :/ but i donât wanna give up! tonight is the last night i ate like trash, i just started a fast and iâll focus again on what makes me feel goodâeating little and being in control.
iâm never going back to who i was before, iâd just suffer 24/7, and honestly (for me) itâs better to be a bit hungry (which btw you stop feeling after a while) than feel too ashamed to even be seen because i hate how i look.
