Shine on Benevolent Sun @lightlyblinded - Tumblr Blog

I can’t stop the bad thoughts

Sometimes while my boyfriend and I are in the middle of sex, he'll stop and just look at me. He'll push me back and stare at every inch of my body and sigh. When I ask him if something is wrong he'll smile and tell me that I'm beautiful, just so beautiful and that he wants to take it all in.

#it's little but I think about it a lot #no one has ever done that before

I feel so much better than I have. I am the same person that lived in her dorm alone and hurt herself every night. I am numb again and it's best this way.

my mom is getting worse and I don't know what I'm going to do. I just want a long hug.

I feel like I've failed. I've been trying so hard to like myself and to feel like I am a decent looking person and I thought I had accomplished that. I finally felt comfortable with my body and was slowly working my way to being happy. But then as I was walking to the car my mother said "You're finally losing weight. Keep at it". The only time she really gives a "compliment" is when she notices that I am slimming down. I know I'm losing weight. You can't really gain it if you're not eating anything. I only drink tea. I can't remember when I last ate. I try to keep in mind that she has an older mindset. Where you have to be skinny to be beautiful. I try to remember that but I can't help but feel awful, like I'm the ugliest thing to exist. Maybe when my bones poke out, I'll feel like I'm okay. Maybe then my mom will think I'm beautiful and so will I.

sometimes I feel like you don't care at all

#i need to almost constantly told that i am not a piece of shit and that you still want me #i lay in bed some nights and wonder what i did wrong #i never ignore you..

I've been so upset lately and I wish someone acted like they cared even the slightest.

I feel like I'm having a constant panic attack.

#i need someone to tell me sweet things #i feel so awful

I never thought I'd hear your voice again. And I wish I didn't. I feel like I'm going to throw up.

#i thought i'd be stronger by now #i thought that I was getting better #someone please talk to me #i dont know what to do

october-tenth

I destroyed my body for a peace of mind I never got.

Unknown (via october-tenth)

I drove as fast as my car would allow tonight. I turned the music so loud that I thought it would numb my brain and prevent me from thinking. It didn't. My speakers would blow before my head gave any sign of wavering. It's been raining all day and sprinkling most of the night. Just as I felt my car sliding and begin to tilt, I regretted ever leaving the house. I know that what I was doing was stupid. I know that people care about me and even more people would act like they did if I died.

But no one wants to listen to what I have to say. My mother only hears what pleases her and my sister is a brick but also too young for such troubles. The only therapist that ever helped me is too expensive and my medical doesn't cover her. I only saw her a week a few years ago but in that little time she helped me so much. My boyfriend offers to listen to me. He says he only wants me to feel better but I don't want to burden him with my thoughts. I have seen and done so many things that it would surely frighten most who hear it. I am going to try to save up money for therapy because although she is paid to listen to me, at least I will have someone. I need to vomit to someone. I want to be able to sleep at night without feeling his breath on my forehead or hearing the sound of someone choking on their own blood.

I can't wait until the day that I have tattoos on most of my body. I want to cover all the places he touched me with beautiful things. I want flowers and midnight drawn on top of the lashes on my back. I want all the things that make me smile carved into me and all my bad memories squeezed out. Until I have someone to talk to, I'm going to try to take up Buddhism again.I'm going to keep trying to do something. I've been like this for 7 years. I can't take it anymore.

#theworkofannie

i wish you at least acted like you wanted to talk to me sometimes maybe then i wouldn't feel like i'm taking up so much of your time

#im dumb #i understand #i know for sure i wouldnt want to talk to me