it’s so strange, isn’t it? to be years away from someone and yet, it still seems like not much time has passed. isn’t that the weirdest? how many times i wrote with my heart bleeding over how much i loved him, how much i wished it could have been and now here i am four years later in love with someone else that fills the empty places inside of me...and yet, i wonder how my life would have been if i would have been ready.
would i be as miserable as i knew i would have been? would he have loved me? or would i have been played for the fool like i was? it’s so strange reflecting on the past you’ve moved on from. i was so fucking young and dumb. my first love was like...waking up in the middle of the night needing water and you find out the water has been shut off or walking out the door without your car keys and the door locks behind you. it wasn’t what i thought i needed you know? it left me needing, left me wanting and yearning and pining after something and someone that i think loved me in his own way, but not the way that either one of us really needed? it was like we wanted love so badly, but neither one of us would say it? and i pushed away in the beginning and then i pulled in and pushed further away. and then it ultimately turned into something void of substance.
and i think about it sometimes when i reflect about who i’ve become. because although it wasn’t meant to be, it did help me grow and give the confidence that i had never had before. he helped me love myself, ya know? in a way that no one had before. and i think that’s why i loved him. not because of who he was, but because of who he made me believe i was. he got married this weekend. the first of my love or almost loves or my life, whatever you wanna call it. and i still feel myself sitting back in that house off of forest drive wondering if this is all i would ever be. i remember thinking would anyone actually ever love me? or would i just be a soft place to land for the hard to love?
thank god i wasn’t. thank god i’m not. being in a relationship where you absolutely know you are loved is fucking coolest thing and i’m glad that i finally got here. i wouldn’t have gotten here if i would still be stuck sitting on that full size bed crying into a bottle of golden monkey. because fuck that! you will find your fucking sunshine. mine just happens to come in the form of the weirdest, most dramatic, most ridiculous, most loving piece of nerd dung i’ve ever met. and if that isn’t fucking awesome, i don’t know what is. so let yourself feel all of the things you’re feeling. just because you feel sad or nostalgic doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to feel it. its what makes us human and what helps us continue to grow. we have to let ourselves feel these things. always forward motion, dudes. it’s what keeps us going.
