daydreamer.

the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. lillian blake. twenty-two. university student & barista. nyx | 20 | EST

[marshmallow-the-vampire-slayer]

btvs rewatch ✞ 4x02 Living Conditions

[lilablvkes]

kevin !

She wanted to be of more help, but how could she? After failing to even identify herself among dozens upon dozens of missing children’s posters– how would she recognise another? She was certain to fail, though that didn’t drive away from, at least, trying.  ❛  Why take someone at all?  ❜  The teen began, gaze wavering.  ❛  There’s really no… good reason for anything people like that do, is there?  ❜  Bitterness held the words captive and she made a conscious attempt to conceal it.  ❛  Okay, so… besides, her, Rowan– ❜  The name felt odd to speak aloud: familiarity with the way lips would form and familiarity with the identity sounded once they had. Maybe she’d heard Dalton speak of her, after all. She wasn’t as attentive as she’d like to claim, after all.  ❛  Who else has been taken in Sheffield? ‘Cause… a lot of them seem to connect to him, and it should be LAUGHABLE, and it is, but– it’s plausible, isn’t it? If two’s a coincidence, and three’s a pattern… It might just be crazy enough to be true.  ❜  The teen paused, allowing cobalt tints to reunite with Lila’s.  ❛  But I’ll look wherever you want me to.  ❜

she notes a slight change in the other’s expression, but stays quiet, assuming she’ll tell her if she wants to. ❛ i’ve never understood. ━ just ... why not be happy with what you have ?? and if you can’t have your own child ━ why not just adopt ?? i just don’t get it. ❜ a pause, and she bites her lip, watching the younger speak. ❛ rowan. ❜ she reaffirms, head nodding slightly. ❛ besides my sister, a bunch of kids went missing in the fifties. besides that, though, it’s been quiet ━ aside from tommy and her, of course. ❜ she hates the myth of the bunnyman ; it was one she’d used to scare rowan into coming home before dark, a joke to her and the kids her age, for the most part ━ a tall tale told by the adults to freak out their kids and create obedience. ❛ we can start with the bunnyman ━ even if it leads us nowhere, it’s at least a beginning. maybe we’ll find other missing kids along the way. ❜ fingers tap restlessly on her thigh.

[saying]

[lilablvkes]

kevin !

      She fails to connect the dots, her initial suspicion directed towards the urban legends of Sheffield.  ❛  I’m so sorry.  ❜  It feels odd, expression sympathy towards someone on the other end of her own trauma. Even if it’s not her own, specifically. But she understands it, suddenly, the withdrawn nature of Marion Blake– the reason for the family being torn apart. Though as sought for pieces of the puzzle connect with one another, so does one unwanted. Kevin might’ve played the part of a victim, but she was once the culprit: the reason children disappeared as he herself once had, the reason families like Warren’s fall apart. And guilt was quick to set in.  ❛  She might not be. Tons of kids, they… they come back.  ❜  The words are false reassurance, those entering the Oswalt premises never holding the fate.  ❛  Do they think it’s the same person who… who took Tommy? ❜  

she shrugs, hair falling from behind ears into her face. ❛ at this point i just accept that it happened, and my goal is trying to find her. ❜ she picks at her jacket, suddenly lost in thought of what could have been. a happy family ━ her relationship with her father intact. her parents’ marriage complete. rowan, happy at home with a loving family, not ━ gone. ❛ i keep hoping she will. i’ll ━ i’ll catch glimpses of girls who look like how i imagine her to look now, and i’ll have to do a double take to see if it’s actually her. ❜ she thinks for a moment, mind wandering back to conversations with police she’d overheard, and then to recent conversations, and the search parties that had been dispatched. ❛ i don’t know. ❜ she bit her lip, genuinely unsure. ❛ it’s possible, but i think it’s unlikely. after all, why come back here when all’s been quite for fourteen years ?? unless that was the goal. ❜ she sighed.

[lilablvkes]

mother !

eyes narrow with the beginnings of a sly teasing grin. as IF she hadn’t suspected from the START. there is no PITY here. lila hasn’t lost anything, there’s no reason to enable her to feel sorry for herself.  ❛  you could have led with that. i mean the flowershop comment is still a deal-breaker for ME anyway, but what did you like about him? eyes? hair? obviously not his BRAIN, i can see where that went.  ❜

she ducks her head, embarrassed. ❛ why would i lead with that ?? it’s not like it mattered that much to the story. i thought he was cute, was all. not that big of a deal. ❜ she shrugged, blue eyes rolling. her mother’s comment leads to a slight curl of the lips, and suddenly lila’s laughing, a genuine laugh. ❛ now that i think about it ; i have no idea. he’s not even that pretty ━ i think i just liked the attention he gave me. ❜ she said, though she was embarrassed to admit it.  

[lilablvkes]

kevin !

      Thin brows were brought closer together, lips pursed as she took in the other’s words. LOOKING FOR SOMEONE. Lila wasn’t the only one, even if her & Kevin’s search differed greatly from one another. At least, that’s what the younger assumed.  ❛  Not weird at all, ❜  She assured, more so to herself than the brunette.  ❛  Who are you looking for?  ❜ 

❛ i ━ i had another sister. you’ve met hazel, i’m sure, and my brother markus, right ?? well, we had a younger sister. she ━ she went missing about fourteen years ago. ❜ she feels odd, having this conversation ━ she doesn’t really talk about rowan, since she partially blames herself. if only she’d been a better sister. ❛ and everyone .... they all say she’s dead, but i don’t believe it. can’t believe it. so, i’m looking for her. for clues, even. closure, i guess. ❜ she shrugs, visibly uncomfortable ━ by no fault of kevin’s, of course.

[lilablvkes]

mother !

❛  it’s still an option, your words are not that bad, but it wouldn’t hurt to be open. hey, maybe one day you’ll have the opposite problem, too many things you’re decent at and not knowing which skill to hone and polish.  ❜  she is careful with her compliments — she strays from superlatives, keeps it subtle, believes in telling her children the TRUTH.  most of the time at least, where they’re concerned. the rules are different when it comes to what she tells them about herself. the last time they lived in sheffield they’d never seen her cry ( oh but she had, behind closed doors, in closets, once on akiva’s shoulder )  ❛  you weren’t CRUSHING on him or anything… were you?  ❜

❛ that’d be nice ━ having too many options, i mean. ❜ she sighs, biting her lip. sure, she’d love to be showered in compliments right now; but she knows her mother, knows marion won’t do that. it’s not her thing. she knows she’s lucky, however ━ lucky to have a mother so loving, understanding, and so forgiving. her mother’s her best friend, there’s no doubt about it. she blushes slightly at her mother’s question, quickly dropping her head and using her hair as a curtain. ❛ no, of course n ━ maybe a small one. ❜

[lilablvkes]

kevin !

       Kevin was used to being the one in need of help– helpless & lost; incapable of aiding anyone, even herself. The ability to be of assistance brought warmth to her chest, shielding her from the cool autumn air.  ❛  Yeah,  ❜  The younger begins, shifting in her current position.  ❛  Of course, I wouldn’t– offer, unless I really wanted to. And I do. What’re friends for, right?  ❜  The last statement is seen as risky, at best. Though she hopes, prays even, that she hasn’t overstepped any unforeseen boundaries. 

❛ wicked. ❜ the corners of lila’s lips turn up ━ there’s a warmth building in her, a sense of companionship that she’s only felt with markus and hazel over the past years. she doesn’t know how to broach the subject, however; she doesn’t know what kevin knows of rowan’s disappearance, of the blakes’ sad history in this town. ❛ this is exactly what friends are for. ❜ a grin, and she tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. ❛ this may seem, i don’t know, weird ━ but i’m looking for someone. ❜   

[lilablvkes]

kevin !

          They’re caught up in vague comments & avoidance of situations experienced by both. To what extent, unknown to the girls themselves.  ❛  You’d be surprised.  ❜  Words are spoken with a huff, eyebrow quirked in the process.   ❛  Sometimes, maybe, you just need another perspective. I could help, if you want.  ❜  The offer doesn’t derive from nosiness, rather a desire to be of help– to garner trust & friendship.

lila stares at the girl across from her, hair and eyes oddly mimicking her own, and feels an overwhelming sadness come over her. ❛ i’m so sorry. ❜ her voice is soft ━ and she pauses a moment at the other’s words, thoughtful. ❛ actually, i’d appreciate your help. if you want to, that is. ❜ she tucks some hair behind her ear and settles her chin on her hand.

[africant]

“But that’s just the trouble with me.”

[lilablvkes]

mother !

❛   honey ‚  you have free will. that’s a powerful thing. and you have time. feel free enough to try everything. if creativity is what you KNOW you have, try it all, poetry, journalism, art, music, academia, copywriting, advertising, even if it’s science … travel — find yourself. take your time. it’s okay. the world is not going to run away from you for taking time to figure yourself out. ❜  lila’s following concession is met with a sideways grin, fingers reaching to trace her dark hair, IDENTICAL to her own raven tresses.  ❛  his life probably lacks colour and variety, if thats all he thinks women are for.  ❜

she looks at her mother thoughtfully ━ staring at a face that hers is practically a mirror of. ❛ i guess you’re right. i should start broadening my horizons ━ writing might not be for me, but there’s certainly something out there that is. ❜ she runs a hand through her dark hair absentmindedly, her mother tracing her dark hair with her hand. ❛ you’re probably right. he seems like a pretty boring guy, if i do say so myself. ❜

[lilablvkes]

kevin !

          Eyes narrow as Lila speaks, the teenager being all too familiar with the situation the other found herself in.  ❛  Well, – what makes you think they’re lies? Is it a gut feeling, or… ‘Cause I’ve learned that you should REALLY trust those.  ❜  Advice doesn’t mean much from Kevin Oswalt; after all, she wasn’t exactly the poster-child for a successful life lead. And no matter how much she loved her friends & those she surrounded herself with, she was never going to be.  ❛  You’d be the first.  ❜  

❛ i hope you’ve never had to experience a lie like those. ❜ she says quietly, biting her lip. ❛ i ━ i really hope they’re lies. that’s what makes me think that they are. because i’m holding out hope that there’s an alternate truth, that ━ that it isn’t true, you know ?? ❜ she balls her fists as she speaks, catching herself as she almost slips up about rowan. ❛ and yeah, gut feelings too. ❜ she nods at the younger. ❛ well, i’ll make sure that i’m not the last. ❜

[lilablvkes]

mother !

❛   listen to me. he doesn’t know you. or your worth.   ❜   a FLOWERSHOP.  not that marion has anything against flowershops or florists, perfectly lovely people, but it’s the principle of the matter.  ❛   and we, in this family don’t let chauvinist pigs define us.  right?  you’re a wordsmith. slice him up gently piece by piece and arrange them with his innards in a pretty vase. metaphorically. in fiction. in poetry. in whatever word form you want. and when the people admire it? send him a thank-you note.  ❜ peter kimball. at the next parents week, you’re a dead man.

she sighs, pushing dark hair away from her face. ❛ i mean, maybe he’s right. it’s not like i even know what i want to do !! ❜ her face crumples in frustration, and she stakes her head. she’s been studying english in college for four years and still doesn’t know what she wants to be ━ an author ?? a teacher ?? a journalist ?? hell if lila knows. ❛ moooooom. ❜ she rolls her eyes in exasperation, but then her expression falls to seriousness. ❛ you’re right, though. i’ll SHOW him !! ❜ fuck you, peter.

[lilablvkes]

kevin !

          The statement brought on unwanted memories; a bitter reminder of her situation, one that appeared to never quite change. She still had her friends, but a family? Kevin would only be given one she’d chosen for herself, but perhaps, just maybe, that was the better alternative.  ❛  Has anyone ever lied to you? Big lies, I mean… Not ‘ Oh, you look great in that ’ or– ‘ Yeah, I’ll totally… call you ’ - - -   ❜  She trails off.   ❛  I don’t know about that. Not a lot of people listen to what I have to say. Or think, I guess.  ❜  

lila’s expression is thoughtful for a moment while she considers kevin’s question. ❛ well, i guess it depends on what you consider a big lie. because i’ve had some, but i don’t know if they’re big lies, you know ?? fuck, i don’t even know if they’re lies at all. ❜ she’s thinking of kennedy, of course ━ or, rather, what the police told her had happened to kennedy. ❛ i’ll listen. i want to know what you have to say, your opinions, what you’re thinking. ❜

[lilablvkes]

mother !

sometimes she feels like lila just plays her for compliments — it’s hard to tell. the question had been at the tip of her tongue — to avoid the cliché statements, UNTIL that last part. ❛  what?  did he really say that? who is this guy again, name, details. have i seen him?  ❜

most of the time, lila wasn’t looking for compliments ━ sure, they felt great, but they weren’t hugely necessary. plus, it doesn’t always mean much coming from your mother, since according to most people mothers are supposed to pay compliments. and in this case ━ it was a serious conversation, as she’d been deeply hurt by her classmate’s statement. ❛ maybe ━ i don’t think he’s grown up here, though. didn’t recognize him the first day of class. his name’s peter kimball ━ he’s a bit of a jerk, in my opinion. ❜

[lilablvkes]

kelby !

     “ an awful lot of people come up to buy concessions, miss. i’m sorry i can’t be of more help. — – do you want a free slurpee ? ” 

❛ hazel blake; if you know her, that is. otherwise that name’s not going to help. ━ have you got blue raspberry ?? ❜

[lilablvkes]

kevin !

          Kevin wasn’t the most philosophical person around, but she wasn’t about to shy away from the conversation. Or the opportunity to get to know the older further. So, she shrugs and brows drew together in thought.  ❛  Maybe we should just start saying what we think.  ❜  The teen offers in response, arms crossing against a slender frame.  ❛  We’d be much better off without lies, anyway, right?  ❜  

Lila nods, smiling at the younger with an almost sisterly warmth. ❛ I agree. There’s no need to lie to save people’s feelings, because honestly ━ people are more hurt when they find out they’ve been lied to. ❜ She sighs, pressing her chin into her hand as she thinks. ❛ And maybe what you’re thinking will help someone out anyways. ❜