Lilai1018 @lilai1018 - Tumblr Blog

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You detached so as to not hurt.

You didn't answer the call.

You weren't able to send that money.

Now she's gone.

You're not gonna see another wagging tail when you come back.

2 of them gone because the universe made you happy.

It was short lived though.

Now you're afraid of getting anything else that would make you happy...

if not because the universe needs another soul as payment for it.

I'm sick of feeling so worthless. Sometimes, I don't know what to do with my own life, I'm just simply existing. It feels like everything in my life is falling apart and I'm just right here watching it being ruined. I'm already tired of telling myself that everything will be alright, I'm slowly losing hope in everything. I am like a withered flower who never know how to lift herself up. I'm just trying to live until I find no reason to carry on anymore.

It's hard to pretend that I am a strong person when I know deep in my heart that I'm slowly giving up on myself too. The pressure of life is trying to weigh me down and I feel like I can do nothing about it. I feel like I'm becoming more worthless each day and it's making me feel so small. Sometimes, I wish I was more valuable as a person. I wish I was good enough and strong. And sometimes, I wish I was a different person— someone who is more worthy and happy.

— Shiori X

Art: sayu.go

Today's my 30th.

Today should have been the end line for the ultimate goal and yet Im still here.

Thought I picked myself up but jokes on me...

seems like I'm not meant to be happy at all?

Today is also the day the universe reminded me of what I was supposed to do because damn.. if Im not so sad right now and it's not even near the end of the 24hrs period of my birthday. 🤷‍♀️

True happiness isn't material. It's not just being able to financially provide. When will people realize that happiness can also be achieved by being physically and emotionally available?

Being a giver is hard but you know what's harder? It's when other people are so used to you being a giver that when the time comes that you have nothing to give anymore, they start to treat you differently.

They also then would have the audacity to call you out for "changing". Have you guys even asked yourselves if I really did change or it's just because I can't give anything so it changes your view of me as a person existing in your life?

So I realized today that you guys find it so hard to help me with a simple task such as setting up the laptop and printer in YOUR house so I could print a small document I needed for my small earning shop. You even turned your back on me, right? Like literally. Well now don't be surprised why I didn't ask for help from you guys for years on end when I got SA'd few years back. As of writing? I donct even have the urge to tell you. Maybe you should just know when Im gone. I dunno.. maybe so you can also carry the burden like I've always did? Just like how most of the people who knew about it always say to me.. Don't worry...

"You'll get over it."

"Makaalis na nga, wala naman akong mapapala dito"

Exactly why I badly want to just disappear, you know.. die.

I've no use for anyone anyways.

I wanted to fulfill the ultimate goal tonight but instead I ate.

I was searching back and forth for things that I could use but nothing onhand is feasible enough to make it successful. I mean I wouldnt want to just get stuck with a hospital bed after and lots of eyes looking after everything I do days, weeks, months after.

I gotta do it right the first time.

So I'll wait... I wont act as if nothing happened though. Ill try to stay as lowkey as possible from now on. Im still actively looking for substance to make the deed perfect. Wish me luck coz I really hate it here already.

It's the perfect time too while Im a nobody. A parasite only living off of them and their resources. It wouldnt really make a difference if I go now. The earlier the better 👌

Y'all dont have to make me feel unwanted because I, myself, dont even see any significance in my exsistence. I dont even want to be here anymore so why fuel it?

Influence them and make it seem like Im the bad guy, will you? Because no one would ever believe me and I wont say anything bad against you because afterall, I dont want you to feel the way I do right now.

I dont really get it when you try your best to find something to argue about. Something that you know if you got mad about, would all send others to assuming Im the one the wrong when you're just looking for a fight.

Im sick and tired of my life as it is. You make it more unbearable with what you do though.

I dont even complain about important stuffs, important problems because we cant even agree on having a simple toothache checked. I dont have the money for it and im not even requiring you to pay at my expense. The thing is you guys always tell me to have it checked and when I have the audacity to actually say I dont have the means you dont even offer help and we drop the topic just like that. EVERY. F*CKING. TIME. So yeah... Im not going anywhere near any medical tests whatsoever coz I know for sure no one is up to help me and insist on financing it.

I just hope whatever Im feeling in my stomach worsens rapidly so I wont have to do the deed myself. I just really really really dont want to be here anymore.

Another tough night... well every night is hard but tonight is one of those where I just want to disappear.

You know when they say that when you have this sudden urge to cry and you dont know why, it's your body remembering something your mind has decided to close off.

On top of that, I realized it's almost a month and a half since I started noticing blood in my stool and it doesnt get better. If I have to say I think it has gotten worse. Im constipated af but when I do get to go, it's bright red, an indication of fresh blood. Ive been getting a lot of uncomfy feelings in my stomach too and just today I started having abdominal cramps and tender spots just below my left rib.

I know what you're thinking. I've tried... I tried getting in touch with telemed at least but they turned me down because they said I should go to internal medicine already.

The thing is... Im not in the position to do anything that would require money right now. I dont have any personal money left and going to the hospital to be checked would cost a fortune. Im not saying they wont but Im saying I dont want them to.

Basing only on what I see searching hours and hours in the internet. It's a huge chance of a building colon cancer. Sadly, Im one anemia away to checking out all of the symptoms.

Oh well... It's still bearable and I dont mind dying anyways.

and then it hit me... how somehow I felt like Im cheated again...

Next year, hopefully, NZ borders will open again and I can finally push through with my plans of studying and migrating there.

I realized how unfair it is that firstly, my symptoms started on my birth month. Secondly, Im close to giving myself the probable plot twist Im asking for. A deciding factor whether Id push through with my ultimate goal or not but now everything is uncertain once again. So this is their answer huh?

It's just a shame though. I had already plotted so many plans for my NZ life. I didnt really know why I've let myself indulge too much in "future" plans. I must be crazy. Now Im hurting myself... I was the last person who I can trust will not hurt myself like this but here we are... Here I am.

I feel so cheated. I've been planning things, Ive been looking forward and Im finally trying to see beyond my set deadline. For what? To be troubled by an unknown illness. I dont even know when I'd be able to know the truth behind these symptoms and if Im really gonna die off of it.

Life's just always so unfair to me. Why me? Why always me?

"Natutulog ka lang maghapon magdamag"

Well, what else can an unemployed closeted depressed bitch do? Yes, Im that. Plus! There's something funny going on with my body and you guys dont even know because why else would I bother telling you if Im a nuisance already even without it? Im not even complaining because you'd just shrug it off right? and tell me it's probably because I dont live healthy etc.

So dont worry... Someday I promise I'll find a way to sleep FOREVER.. Im working on it, just you wait 🙂

One day, well most days, I feel out of place both emotionally and physically so I decided to semi-isolate myself upstairs and just sleep it off. But then I woke up to a video call that made my heart sink more than it had before trying to escape minutes before (and to my defense I woke up still feeling like shit)

The imprecised said video call went like:

"Asan ka? Pumunta ako diyan sa inyo kanina wala ka. Asan ka?"

Me: "Sa taas, sa kwarto bakit?"

"Anong ginagawa mo diyan?"

Me: *semi-lying* Natutulog lang bakit?"

"Bat ka andyan?.. Hindi mo man lang tinutulungan yung Mommy mo sa mga gawaing bahay. Wala kang ginagawa"

I mean... yeah.. there was a point but you onow there's 2 sides of the story. I was feeling down and out of place because of her in the first place. I chose to step away from the psychological stress to not make it worse by causing an unintentional outburst towards another person... and yet I still got "reprimanded" for a completely different reason.

I seriously dont know how lacking this household is with the thing called "compassion" especially when they know something is "off".

I have been over the edge for a long time already and things that are "shallow" for others always does its thing to push the right buttons in my temper. Im trying my hardest to keep out of people's way but it seems like stressors are always after me.

It's really dark where I am at these past few days plus the mysterious health issue Im having for the past month that I cant have checked because I aint wasting money on shit if I still can stand up and walk.

I can't deal with this anymore. Heck I cant deal with just about anything. Can someone just end it?

"We are doing this for your own good"

...yet you dont even realize that you're trying to kill me. Everytime you treat me like sh*t just because I cant reach the level of your standards, no matter how petty that level is.. do you know that you're pushing me closer to death each time? You're technically handing me over to the other side effortlessly with just your mouth and actions when I just want to try and survive day after day.

They say that the saddest people are the kindest but sometimes sadness does manifest as anger and we become some of the nastiest people but we try.... as much as we're trying so hard to survive.

This is why, boys and girls... BE KIND.

They say that when you feel depressed and you're having intrusive thoughts you should go and ask for help. So let me ask you, how can you even think of asking for help if you literally can't afford the help?

People might roll their eyes when they read this because they know my family is providing for me but guys... technically Im broke af right now. No matter of what my family gives me may it be a necessity or just a want, it is still not my money so I have to settle with what they want and can give.

Dont expect me to come up to my mom or dad and tell them "I feel like I want to die this instant, could you lend me money so that a doctor can stop me?".

Telling me that there are helplines that I could call also wont do. First, my social anxiety is kicking in with just the thought of talking to strangers over the phone. Second, I still can't afford it because I need to have load to actually call those numbers.

Im a lost cause. Im just waiting for the perfect timing and the perfect way to do it. My physical health sucks right now so if I go the normal way then it'll be better. No one would have to bear guilt if that's the case atleast. Good for you.

The sad and ugly truth about suicide is if you're related to that person during his/her lifetime, there's a high chance that you have even the tiniest contribution to the reason why he/she decided to end it.

I know you are thinking "I've been nice to that person", "I gave whatever that person wanted or needed", "I am that person's family/friend". But not to guilt trip anyone, have you ever wondered why that person didnt see anything of worth to continue living? Because at some point in time beyond this present,you've done something that was added to that person's long list of "reasons".

For those of you thinking that suicide is only because of one or two things, I hate to break it to y'all but it's composed of tiny things bunched up into one messy pile. It could've started accumulating for days, weeks, months and even years. You know how when clouds get too heavy with water it rains? Too bad not all people can make rain to see the rainbow afterwards. Some of us drown and remember that it doesnt happen overnight. We drown and most of the time people finds us at a time when we can't be saved anymore.

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