Irony is attempting to end your life on your birthday. (2021)
Yeah, that's the real kicker, ice yourself after licking icing off your middle finger.
Method: Slit throat.
Weapon: Two knives. In case, the first one doesn't cut deep enough, there's the sharper second!
This is right after...
...you've sacrificed two and a half years of your life fighting the medical system and losing your left breast. Your body will never be the same. You feel so far removed from your personality, the dissonance is palpable.
...your parents have recently died and your siblings unabashedly hate you. the legalities of inheritance is the only reason you're wanted---- alive for your signature, dead for your share.
...your friend-circle has collapsed into a black hole
...your peers have cancelled you
...the remainder of your family on both sides have apathetically shut you out
...the epiphany of "my whole life is a lie" lands right between your eyes.
In hindsight you realize:
The siblings and bestie waited until your birthday to jack-hammer the last nail in your coffin.
The "bestie" of 10 years takes you out to lunch to pull the rug from under your feet. It is now a fri-END-ship. You're too drunk, too nonchalant to bother mourning this loss, because somewhere you saw it coming and decided it must end anyways.
It had always been toxic but you were too vulnerable to leave first. You finally admit that you lied to yourself for years about needing them, that whatever IT was, they cared when no one else did.
The siblings arrange the birthday dinner just to show you what family business chalks up to, how your inheritance can be swindled out of your hands with that family board game : Blame game? You know the one where the black sheep becomes the Scapegoat even though you are the OG, the G. O. A. T.
You get mad and start to break the porcelain, demonstrating exactly how your heart is fragmenting into pieces they can't pick up. You put up a fist fight and pull your sibling's hair out and she punches you right back, with your chest still covered with post surgery bandages. You then proceed to the kitchen to commit the most ironic thing, ending this fuckall bullshit. They leave you in that fucked up state.
Cruelty (mofos) is a terrible waste of energy, fuelled by fabrications, narratives juxtaposed with delinquent projections; guilt, jealousy, pride, lust, rivalry, superiority complex, compressed over decades due to fair-weather treatment from parents that did their best worst towards you.
You see you've inherited the same treatment your parents had doled out, only difference is, now it's being passed on from the clones they've left behind.
The next morning you find out that you're still alive, hungover, and you begin to knit a funeral shroud with the wool they've been pulling over your eyes. These people are not your family.
When Blood is poisoned, water becomes sweeter.
When it begins to unravel ----
disbelief,
you find it's a ticking timebomb
left at the bottom of my heart ----
shattered,
death by a thousand splinters.
Siblings with lucid talk that could outplay the narcissistic folks laid to rest in their stone niches. Here's a cocktail of jealously mixed with rivalry hostile enough to slit your art work to shreds, break your drum and drumming sticks, curse your hair.
Now that the curtains are drawn back from your third eye, sunbeams of wisdom reflect off the mirror of affirmations bathing my face with a renewal.
(This is why all your relationships have failed. This is where the fracture first began. Your birthday. The very first one. Eventually, your relationships snowball into one major nightmare. )
You find yourself at the end of hands turned into weapons forged to destroy the fabric you thought had healed ---- childhood wounds, teenage traumas, the false mental-loops of adulthood. Ironically, these were the same palms that once caressed your face with tenderness, passion, massaged your fragile ego with gentle assurances.
Your life is about to show them...they failed...
Real love doesn't come with a death warrant nor an invitation to sacrifice your lifetime to gratify the darkness in another's mind.
Such perversions are an offspring of the lack of love. You learn that you must let go of what doesn't fit like a glove. It's the brunt you bear from overriding the first red flag, from ignoring your intuition's first NO;
from allowing others to dominate your little loud voice, your inner-sense, your knowing, your innate nature.
You say: "I'm not mourning your departure, you're a figment of my imagination.
The truth about all of us has surfaced like black oil over clear water, suffocating my life
under it. "
This when you learn: Compassion comes in many shades.
Sometimes it's the mirror, reflective surfaces that become allies showing you what's about to hit the back of your head, no more bliding blows from behind that blind spot.
At times, it's the anxiety churning in the pit of your stomach curdling your fallacies and unrenounced hopes into bitter bile forcing it all out of your body.
It's those nights when you stay up watching your dreams leave, the people you thought you couldn't live without, and you breathe a sigh of relief because they did.
Yeah, as a child you imagined to be Wonder Woman, instead you've grown up wondering if you'll get out of this alive with your sanity intact, and finding out the answer is No. You won't.
It's the ache in the back of your throat from screaming your truth, justifying your existence to the witnessing walls that have ears but don't respond.
Somedays, you find yourself back at the beginning, wanting to end your life even if it means leaving behind your canines, felines, and baby that love you. This is your inner circle. These creatures are your new family.
That's where you STOP!
You are determined to reclaim your power. You recognize the shadows and admonish it with these words: "I know where you came from, the deepest wounds resurfaced, all of this was my lesson in self-love, my initiation to ascend all fear and illusion. Be gone to nothing.
For this I am grateful: every curve ball of guilt, every switched up accusation, every master stroke of manipulation, every arrow of blame, every mouth that gaslighted my vulnerability, I grew stronger from it all, more powerful, more aware, all the more of what I AM.... AMAZING! BEYOND REACH! ABOVE IT ALL! "
In time, every heartbeat becomes yours alone. Every other person has no way into your inner world. You build a sanctuary. You burn all bridges, you booby-trap the entrances with cryptic codes and metaphysical tests. Only the pure hearted can enter. Only the genuine minds will understand the map. Only those who value your living will live within its boundaries.
You alchemize all the pain into power. You transmute that power into creations, wisdom, knowledge, love. You become the channel for healing, truth, empathy, compassion.
You remember who you are,
where you came from.
You see the divine source
of it all.
The day you stopped mourning endings was the rebirth of your Un-Stoppable era. I love you. Always.
