There is an essay in my soul. One I know I am not yet equipped to write. One I *yearn* for.
It starts somewhere like this, I think.
With a melona room and a gaggle of boys, one of whom was called Lee Seokmin. He was the 8th member- until he wasn't. Not because other members came who were older than him, but because he gave up his place for someone who would become a steadfast friend. He cried during evaluations, couldn't tell you that red and blue make purple, and had the biggest heart in the whole wide world.
In that heart, he kept his members. Especially those that stayed and became Seventeen. Through everything that happened, that love he has for them has shown so brightly. Just like his smile that is never so wide as when one of the others allows him to have a kiss. Be is playfully given on stage or sincerely bestowed when he feels too much, showing *love* is something Lee Seokmin clearly enjoys so much.
But there are times he seems, to me, almost afraid of it. He used jokes and comedic sketches to allow himself that closeness, but when the others reciprocated, he was duvking away. Hiding his reactions. Self-concious. Even pushing the others away at times, refusing their affection.
(I think, perhaps, there was a time when he knew of the fandom nickname "dude kisser" and the implications scared him. It can be *dangerous* to be percieved as queer. Dangerous for a person and the group they are in. And one thing Seventeen has always been is very aware that one false step could have their entire career gone in an instant. It has happened to other groups. There one day, and blacklisted the next.)
That changed, though, especially over the past year. Where he had been pushing others away, he leaned into that affection more. Taking more risks. Putting his love front and center.
Some of it, of course, is fanservice. Moments on stage with almost-kisses. Flirting during recordings. But there are other things, too. Jokes shared with fans that hint at something *else*. An unapologetic-ness to his conduct.
(Unnie comes to mind. Oppa. Every selfie taken with cheeks pressed together. Dates to volleyball games just so he can see someone else happy.)
And somewhere in that journey was nana tour. Salute Man. Lee Seokmin resolutely declaring he wanted to be more confident, more fearless. And just when he was making that resolution public- Happy came out.
A song that speaks so clearly to a queer experience. Begging to be allowed happiness. To be told it's okay. Even if it's risky, even if it's "wrong".
"Will that day ever come? May I be happy? I want to smile every day"
When Lee Seokmin made a video for his cover, he didn't do it alone. He had other members of Seventeen right there with him. Singing along. Holding the camera. Smiling, laughing-- making him laugh with the way they cheered for him so thoroughly.
This isnt a proper essay. I dont have proper arguments, just a feeling. Something that resonated with me so powerfully when the Happy cover was posted. And like. It's speculation to say "DK's boyfriends told him not to hide how much he loves them, not to shy away from affection even if it's risky and can't be laughed off as fanservice." But I also remember being a closeted queer, desperate to be seen, sharing my own moments like this and hoping just one other person, maybe, would understand.
It's in that spirit that I say:
Dokyeom. Lee Seokmin. Dk. Seokminnie. Salute Man. Be happy. Don't ever let the world tell you your happiness is not allowed. Be happy. Selfishly happy with those you love.
And if you are reading this and you are in that hidden,scared place. You too can be happy. It's ok.
germansingergirl
jbbartram-illu
titsay
tangentwithtanner
kianamaiart
blakekathryn
theartofmadeline
gummygunk
