Based on the real-life Kindness War I’m currently losing to my new neighbors.
Legend was doing something to a piece of parchment. It might have resembled writing, if writing involved angry jabs and forceful lines, Time reflected. He was pretty sure it didn’t.
“He’s been at it for an hour,” Four said discreetly.
“From all the snarky mumbling, we’re pretty sure it’s Ravio, but—” Legend underlined something hard enough to tear a line through the paper. The rip was audible. That didn’t seem to slow him. “—we think the intended message is meant for someone else.”
Warriors peered up from his journal. “It’s definitely for someone else.”
“How do you know?” Time asked.
Warriors smirked, making Time instantly regret asking. “Hey, Vet,” he began casually, “how’re you liking those new neighbors?”
“Sons of bitches!” Legend snapped, emphasizing each word with a stab-like jab of the quill. “They’re so entitled and awful! I can’t believe Ravio has to deal with them all by himself. I swear to the goddesses, when I get back there, I’m going to make them regret ever setting eyes on our house.” He grabbed a fresh sheet of parchment and continued writing. There was beginning to be a small stack.
“What did they do?” Time asked in concern, fearing vandalism or theft. He knew Legend and Ravio kept a valuable inventory.
Legend grumbled under his breath, glaring like he could burn a hole through the paper with his eyes. Then, after a rather intense, all-caps sentence was written, he said, “They cleaned and polished our shields.”
While Warriors cackled, Legend started a new line. “No, it’s not a euphemism. They literally cleaned and polished all of our old shields.”
Legend’s glare transferred to Time. It was impressive. “Do you know,” he began in a growl, “how long it takes to get the grime out of seven shields? They even applied oil to the goddess-damned leather straps.”
Time glanced at Four and Warriors, then back to Legend. “I don’t see why—”
“And then! After a snowstorm two weeks ago, Ravio told me they shoveled a path to the shop’s front door! By hand!”
“I’m lost,” Time confessed.
“And when Ravio tried to get even with them by baking them a sourdough loaf from scratch, they returned the pan with a fresh cherry cobbler. A cherry fucking cobbler! In our pan!” Legend seethed.
“These are all good things.”
Legend looked at Time as though he was being purposefully dense. “Don’t you get it? This is a declaration of war! They’ve outdone Ravio at every possible turn. He’s beset by their machinations. Bad enough that they did all the rest, but that pan—the fact that they returned it with something better…” The parchment ripped under the weight of his next line. “Those bastards are going to pay.”
Warriors started cackling again, joined soon by Four, but all Time felt was concern.
“It sounds like they’re just trying to be nice.”
“Oh, I’ll show them nice.”
“What are you going to do?”
Legend smiled with all his teeth, like a monster before it sank its fangs in flesh. “I’m going to put insulator enchantments across all their windows; they’ll never lose heat through the panes in winter again. And then I’m going to make them my best potions. And then—” He smile grew more vicious. “I’m going to make them the best fucking blackberry cobbler they’ve ever eaten.”
As Legend resumed violently writing, Time turned back toward the others. “I still don’t understand.”
Four pretended to wipe a tear away. “Just enjoy it.”
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